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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel DD’s birthday?

633 replies

NattyGeo · 24/03/2019 16:47

NC’d to avoid being identified. My DD is set to have her 18th on a Thursday. We have booked a spa place with a restaurant, her and 5 friends have use of the swimming pool and sauna and will be having an 8 course tasting menu after. Costing us £350. Thinking of cancelling because she went to the People’s March when I told her she wasn’t allowed. She mentioned it on Thursday, a group of friends were going. she is very anti-Brexit and into politics (a real budding leftie), but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job. She sulked and stropped but I stood firm.

Yesterday morning I went to wake her as couldn’t hear her get up for work. She’d put pillows in her bed where her body should be to make it look like she was there and was gone! I rang her 10 times, no answer and on the 11th time I left a voicemail to say if she didn’t call back in 10 minutes I’d be reporting her to the police as a missing person. She called back, was in the bus and said sorry for sneaking out but she really wanted to go. She’d caught an Uber at 4am!

She arrived back at 2am this morning on the bus. I went to pick her up from the bus station (on my , she wanted to be dropped off no doubt to avoid me), and when she got in the car she told me to “wipe that look off my face”. She says she’s sorry for being dishonest but not sorry for going. I’m furious. She’s usually good as gold and has never done anything like this. WIBU to cancel Thursdays party as a punishment?

OP posts:
goldengummybear · 24/03/2019 17:00

I'd be pissed off about the look on your face comment but not the rest. I have a son who's turning 18 on Thursday and I'd bloody love it if he was interested in politics. While I agree that the match is too little too late, I don't understand why you don't think that a 4am start is her choice. It's up to her when to have a day off work. I wouldn't expect my child to consult me before organizing it. I'm not surprised that your story turned out like this either. If you'd told her that you'd rather she'd not go but left it up to her then at least you'd not have the empty bed shock.

Princessmushroom · 24/03/2019 17:00

If I were her I would never speak to you again if you cancelled. First telling me I can’t act on something I believe in, and then cancelling the party? I would be out of there.

Also please educate yourself. We aren’t leaving this week.

ArabellaDoreenFig · 24/03/2019 17:01

Just to play devils advocate here - what would all your responses be if then OPs DD has snuck off to an Pro-Brexit march?

Because it seems like you think she should be let off the hook because she did something you all agree with - would your response genuinely be the same for a different march?

dingit · 24/03/2019 17:02

My dm refused to have anything to do with my 18th, indeed she refused to speak to me for over a year because I got drunk at a party.
I'm now 51, but haven't forgotten it...

Justonemorepancake · 24/03/2019 17:02

You were massively unreasonable to forbid her to go on the march in the first place. Unless missing work meant she then can't pay you money she owes you or her rent or something. She is an adult. If she wants to stand up for her beliefs you should applaud her. If you cancel the party after trying to forbid her from protesting you will drive a big old wedge between the two of you.

HotpotLawyer · 24/03/2019 17:02

Sorry, you caused this by trying to nan her from doing something perfectly reasonable in tne first place.

Whatever you think of the validity of the march, she is days away from her 18th , she wasn’t doing anything risky, reckless or against the law.

To cancel her birthday event would be an incredibly controlling and vengeful thing to do.

If you want a relationship with your Dd as an adult you need to work with her, not against her.

And if you want her to respect you you need to respect her reasonable choices. You showed no respect for her interests, passions or choice.

She didn’t ask you to turn out at 2am, she had planned to be self sufficient with an Uber.

Witchofzog · 24/03/2019 17:03

a real budding leftie. Hmm So she has her own opinions which in all likelihood clash with yours? So what? She is 18!! If you cancel her birthday party she will never forget and it will irrevocably have an adverse affect on your relationship. Stop being so controlling and let her live her own life , whether you agree with her opinions or not

redastherose · 24/03/2019 17:03

You are definitely BU. I can't believe you banned her from going in the first place tbh. If you want your daughter to lose all respect for you forever go ahead and cancel her birthday party. You sound petty, spiteful and controlling. She's an adult on the 28th!

mum11970 · 24/03/2019 17:03

No you shouldn’t cancel her birthday and think you were wrong to try and stop her attending the march in the first place and think the dishonesty and cheek was brought on yourself.

Smellbellina · 24/03/2019 17:03

Don't be such a dick

^^ This!!

cuppycakey · 24/03/2019 17:03

YABVU

You should be really proud that she is standing up for her future. She's 18 (nearly) you can't really tell her where she can go....

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 24/03/2019 17:03

It really would depend on the nature of the march to be honest. This one was billed as a family friendly event (my friend went to the last one with his kids and 90 year old mother). The pro Brexit ones seems to attract the more angry, shouty types.

goldengummybear · 24/03/2019 17:03

I wouldn't mind my child going to a pro Brexit March as long as they behaved themselves. If they were arrested because they'd got into a fight or damaged property (can you tell that I've never been?) then I'd be fucking fuming.

frazzledasarock · 24/03/2019 17:04

I wouldn’t have forbidden her in the first place if she was so passionate about this and it’s good on her for being proactive, she’s fighting for her future.

I’d be very very pissed off at being lied to, ignored and spoken to rudely.

So I’d cancel on the basis of the lying and rudeness.

However as I wouldn’t forbid mine from going on the March in the first place the rudeness wouldn’t have happened.

I think you need to sit down and speak to her.

She is an adult and you risk alienating her, she won’t come to you and speak to you about stuff if she finds you closed off to seeing her point of view.

I’m very much of the view that I want my kids to come and talk to me about anything. Even if I don’t agree with them I want them to feel happy to come to me.

puppy23 · 24/03/2019 17:04

Take it your right wing & pro leave, and thus angry she doesn't share your political views?

BorsetshireBlew · 24/03/2019 17:05

My response would be exactly the same if it was a pro Brexit March. The OP has no right to 'ban' her daughter from going on a protest march and to threaten to cancel her birthday is unbelievably petty and controlling.

BlackCatSleeping · 24/03/2019 17:05

Maybe send your daughter a link to the stately homes thread.

Decormad38 · 24/03/2019 17:06

Your tone is mocking when it comes to her beliefs. You sound like an arse. No wonder your clashing. ‘A real budding leftie’!!

Cancelling her party is going to drive a bigger gulf between you op. Have ypu tried listening to her?

Littleraindrop15 · 24/03/2019 17:06

Everyone saying she's 18.. SHE IS 17!!!!!! NOT 18 till Thursday.

Even though she will be 18 very soon I still think she should have stuck to her guns and got your approval one way or another.

sparklefarts · 24/03/2019 17:06

100% on your DDs side here. She's very nearly 18 and you banned her from being engaged and feeling like she is getting her voice heard. It is SO important that we get young people involved and interested in politics and we have people like you just ruining that. Also, it's her job, not yours. She is old enough to learn to weigh things up and make her own choices.

The 'wipe that look off your face' comment is the only exception. She was wrong there and should apologise.

But you should also apologise to her for not letting her go in the first place. And she will never forget you cancelling her birthday or the reason why.

BorsetshireBlew · 24/03/2019 17:06

I’d be very very pissed off at being lied to, ignored and spoken to rudely

She lied and was rude because her controlling mother tried to ban her from doing something she had every right to do.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 24/03/2019 17:06

I think “my mother cancelled my 18th birthday party” is not something you let go of lightly. I think that’s a hurt and a resentment that you carry with you indefinitely. Do you think it’s worth that?

rockingthelook · 24/03/2019 17:06

She's nearly 18 !, don't cancel, if you do you will cause irrepairable damage to your relationship, the sneaking out etc will be the least of your problems, explain you are disappointed that she chose to lie, but also look at yourself and your reasons for forbidding her? We cannot demand our children think the way we do just because we are their parents, my daughter loves tattoos, I hate them, but it is her body, her choice, her life, I have to respect that, it's hard but there are worse things in life than your child having their on opinion, choose your battles wisely?

BorsetshireBlew · 24/03/2019 17:07

The OP seems to be treating her daughter like she's 8 not 18. Ridiculous.

HotpotLawyer · 24/03/2019 17:07

Arabella: when I was a teen my Mum facilitated me to do something which she considered abhorrent (so do I now!). She told me why, I gave my reasons and she didn’t try and stop me.

That is something I haven’t forgotten. We have always been close and now I suppprt her in her old age.

We talk about the abhorrent thing now. She says ‘your mistakes were your own to make, only you could learn from them’.