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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Toddler reins and evil looks?

285 replies

SinkGirl · 24/03/2019 12:51

Took twins to the park this morning with DH. They both wore backpacks with reins attached. Both boys have ASD, one also has a visual impairment and other issues. They are both fascinated by moving cars and will suddenly run for the road, they have no danger awareness. They also both tried to throw themselves into the lake a few times so the reins really came in handy! I have a back problem and other issues so it means I can stop them getting hurt without too much chasing / bending.

I had so many horrible looks from other parents (and especially dog walkers actually) - is it really so awful to use them? It keeps them safe so for me it’s a no brainier but I’m surprised by how much it seems to offend people.

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 24/03/2019 13:03

They look awful but it's your choice.

Original poster
SinkGirl · 24/03/2019 13:03

Thanks all - honestly right now I couldn’t even take them to the park by myself even with reins, they’d have to go in the buggy, but it’s so much easier on weekends with DH around to help. After 2.5 years being reliant on a double buggy it’s so nice not having to take it out. Twin 2 can’t even step down a kerb because of his VI and twin 1 is so thrilled to see cars he just runs at them (it’s a huge park with a road through it, slow moving traffic but still).

OP posts:
PCohle · 24/03/2019 13:04

I'm not a huge fan of reins but another parent choosing to use them is absolutely none of my business - we all do what works for us.

With twins, especially ones with additional needs, it absolutely makes sense to use them. Keeping your kids safe is the only thing that matters.

pigsDOfly · 24/03/2019 13:05

Ignore the weird looks. There are some stupid people about. They keep your twins safe, sounds like perfect sense to me.

I wore reins when I was a child. I have not been traumatised by them, have no horrible memories of them and only know that I wore them because I've seen photos.

I had them for one of mine as he was also inclined to run into the road.

I don't think I'm a particularly nervous person but I can get a bit uncomfortable when I'm with one of my DGC and we're near a busy road or crossing a car park but she won't hold my hand.

With reins you know where they are and you know they're safe.

Upsy1981 · 24/03/2019 13:06

Don't worry about it. It's not a crime to keep your children safe. You'd be neglectful to take them out somewhere near water/roads if you didn't feel you could adequately and quickly keep them safe. I don't think any child has ever grown up with serious emotional issues caused by the use of reins in an otherwise loving childhood. Heck, I don't even think most children remember wearing reins.

My DD was a nightmare. If she was in reins, she would just let her legs go from under her so she was swinging, thinking it was a marvellous game but there were a few occasions when she did so unexpectedly and we weren't holding the strap tight enough and she nearly hit the floor face first. We tried the wrist strap and she carefully peeled the velcro undone as we walked around shops. The little life backpack was the only thing that worked for us and she loved having her own little bag.

Chouetted · 24/03/2019 13:06

I think I probably might stare at someone with backpack reins - but only because I would be trying to work out how they worked.

RubaDubMum89 · 24/03/2019 13:06

My daughter has been on reins since she could walk. I'd much rather her use them than run out into the road. Honestly, I think it's irresponsible not to use them. I see toddlers running on the path, next to a road, a good six feet away from their carer and it makes me anxious.

Justgivemesomepeace · 24/03/2019 13:07

I used reins on my ds. He was a bolter and just wanted to run. I never noticed anyone looking at me funny or felt i was being judged.

keepingbees · 24/03/2019 13:07

I used them and always see others with them. I can't understand what the issue is?
It's keeping hold of your child no different to holding a hand imo, only more reliable.
If it keeps a child safe and makes life easier for the parent then what's to hate?

O4FS · 24/03/2019 13:07

Oh what bullshit!

Reins allow your toddler a degree of independence, to roam, whilst staying safe. Encourages walking and gives them some freedom.

Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks - that way madness lies.

They probably weren’t even looking, and if they were, so what?

I’ve used reins, alternative is restricting them in a buggy - especially if you have a runner - and if you have more than one toddler. Great invention.

TwiceAsNice22 · 24/03/2019 13:07

I wouldn’t give it another thought. It’s a safety issue. I don’t know how old your twins are, but when mine were first learning to walk it was so hard navigating things with them. One was going down the slide while the other was trying to climb up the ladder. It was stressful running back and forth between them. You deal with one child and the other has run off - and they were fast! It’s tricky juggling 2 small children at once.

Next time it happens, look the person in the eye and say “Is there a problem?” I bet they get embarrassed. And just remind yourself that at the end of the day it’s better to have strangers judge you than have your kids at risk. I really think some people don’t understand the logistics of having very young twins.

WillBendTheKnee4Jon · 24/03/2019 13:07

Years ago (I was about 13/14) I was walking behind a mum and her little boy on reins. His mum was distracted by someone she knew driving by and the little boy fell down a hole in the pavement (there were metal rods with red and white tape to seal it off. Not like the full size gate like things they use these days). The mother toppled over because she had looped her wrist through the strap. I ran to help and pulled the baby up. He was fine. Just a bit shaken. The mum had really hurt herself but she was just relieved the baby was ok. I offered to help her get home but she said she could manage. I saw her a few days later with her arm in plaster.

AuntieStella · 24/03/2019 13:08

I used actual reins with mine. I'm always think 'how sensible' when I see them in use.

If you get a long lead (which can lock/retract) your DC nan have much greater freedom to explore.

Oysterbabe · 24/03/2019 13:08

There's a woman who used to post on here (maybe still does) who would often speak up when these threads come up. One of her twins was hit by a car and killed when her husband took them out without reins.
Fuck anyone who judges you, safety first.

MrsJayy · 24/03/2019 13:08

Ive never heard of parents getting dirty looks about reins my experiences have always been positive I work with toddlers and a lot of them have backpacks or wrist straps, The most important thing is that your children are safe and bugger what anybody thinks or looks at you.

Original poster
SinkGirl · 24/03/2019 13:10

some of my friends are much more confident in keeping their twins safe than i am, but their twins have skills mine don’t - like understanding words, understanding danger, having clear vision etc. Maybe I am overly anxious but they are very unpredictable. The other day one of them walked with me to the shop and back holding my hand tightly there and back - today he threw himself on the floor every time I tried to hold his hand. At least he got to run around today!

OP posts:
Original poster
SinkGirl · 24/03/2019 13:11

I think I probably might stare at someone with backpack reins - but only because I would be trying to work out how they worked.

The hand strip clips to the bottom of the backpack, and the straps clip together in front so that can’t wriggle out of them. They’re really fantastic.

OP posts:
Chottie · 24/03/2019 13:11

They are your DCs and you need to do what you need to do to keep them safe.

If I had seen you out, I would have thought what a sensible, caring mother. Ignore, ignore, ignore any looks or comments, their opinions are immaterial.

SusieOwl4 · 24/03/2019 13:11

Ignore them . I use the backpack reigns on occasions with my grandchildren because if they decide to run off I can’t keep up with them which put them in danger . I was on a bus once and a toddler ran in front of it whilst the mum was busy with a baby in the buggy. Luckily he was ok but if he had been on reigns it would not have happened .

ElfridaEtAl · 24/03/2019 13:11

My DS is 2yrs8m and like your twins OP had ASD and loves watching traffic. The only place I will take him without a pushchair or reins is round the corner to my mum and dad's as he knows the route and will hold my hand. Anywhere else there's no hope.

I don't care if they look awful, I don't care if people think I'm treating him like a dog, I'm doing what I think (and have been advised) is best to keep my child safe so, frankly, fuck anyone elses judgement. They wouldn't be the ones to live with it if something went horribly wrong would they? I'm sure people judge me when they see DS is still in a pushchair at his age, as he looks older than he is, but even on his reins given half a chance he'd want to run in all directions so I choose no to give him that chance unless it's appropriate.

IvanaPee · 24/03/2019 13:13

Years ago I had them on my dd.

This woman came up and said “reins are for horses, not children.”

I just raised a brow, turned to my dd and said “giddy-up, Jane.”

Not her real name, obviously. I never saw or thought of that woman again until your thread reminded me, which just goes to show the impact of a stranger’s opinion.

Spudlet · 24/03/2019 13:13

There used to be a lady who posted on here on this subject. She had twins as well. Her DH didn't like using reins and one day, he didn't - and one of their children ran into a road, and that was that. Their child died, and their marriage ended as well.

I may have forgotten some of the fine detail, but that was the essence of it.

I hope that she won't mind me posting my recollection of her story. She posted it several times, encouraging parents to use the tools they need to for the safety of their children, so no one else had to go through what they did.

Use the reins if you need to, for as long as you need to. Fuck anyone who has a problem with it. You do what you need to to keep your children safe.

ElfridaEtAl · 24/03/2019 13:14

Should read has ASD.

YouWinAgain · 24/03/2019 13:15

My DD is 3 and has a developmental delay. When she first started walking age 2, she was keen to walk everywhere but kept falling over.

I didn't want to knock her confidence so used reins to keep her steady. She loved it.

She doesn't need them now as she knows to stop at the roads, and even though she's still clumsy she's old enough to say "silly me" and get back up again.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 24/03/2019 13:16

I’m disabled. When my kids were small I could walk but not run. So when they were toddlers I had them on reins until I was 100% confident of them not running off. To be fair they were pretty biddable.

They look awful
Honestly who gives a fuck if they keep your kids safe?

I’ve noticed some parents of bolters keep them stuffed in a buggy. Much better to have them walking safely around.