To have sent this to who I think is my estranged fathers partner

[Ineedaweeinpeace]

Hi xxx. Are you partners with a man called S? I’m just trying to figure out if my father who walked out on my family when I was 17 is still alive.

I think he looks like the man in one your pictures. He looks a lot like my brothers.

You’re probably aware that he walked out on his family and never spoke to them again. Never knew anything about his kids as adults. You’re probably aware how hurtful that is and how his 3 kids never knew what they did that was so bad that he didn’t want to know them.

So I’d really appreciate it if you could reply to this message with a yes or no- that would be the kind thing to do.

I hold no grudge to you or him. I don’t want to meet him. Purely for my own sanity would like to know if he still exists. S named me Xxxxx - I’m married now.

Think I found him on Facebook. Is this a truly awful msg to have sent? I don’t want anything honestly than to know if it’s him.

@sagradafamiliar

americandream you sound really affected and angry.

Translated; "you are not agreeing with me and are saying things I do not like!!!"

STAMPS FEET!!!!

That is so sad Lulu.

I don't understand people who would withhold correspondence between parent/child. Or indeed the views expressed on here saying they would not tell their DP that his DD got in touch. It's weird and controlling.

I think op it might be worth trying to seek some help for your feelings around your father, clearly you're angry and wish to lash out and inflict pain.

Yes it was an unpleasant message, but that's what you intended. Right now your feelings are hurting you.

How old are you now?

I don't think you're a right push over at all Lulu, not telling your partner their estranged child has been in contact is incredibly harsh and way worse than the ops message, and is incredibly controlling behaviour.

Sorry that was for tea not lulu.

@americandream
The op does say the other woman knows as they were together before he left

americandream

Post from the OP Sat 23-Mar-19 14:00:50

"I didn’t msg him directly as his fb has nothing on it except a picture of a dog and that he was in a relationship with this woman (which was before he left)"

@Americandream

Why so angry?

I'm not angry. I was merely responding to your 'are you f-cking joking' post to me.

It's not me that needs to 'Calm. Down' either.

I'm not really one for getting into a 1:1 slanging match on here, so won't be replying directly to you again on this thread again.

Fire away if you must.

It’s too harsh and it’s inappropriate. What happened between your parents presumably had nothing to do with her. And there are probably things that went on that you knew nothing about. My father also walked out on us. Just packed a bag and left. I couldn’t speak to him for years afterwards but shortly before I moved to the US I decided it was “now or never” so I tracked him down (through Facebook), contacted him and arranged to meet him for lunch. I had assumed everything was his fault but there were things that happened in my parents’ marriage of which I was completely unaware and now see things differently. He has been to visit my husband and me here and although it’s not like the old days, it is a good relationship.

I wouldn't reply to that message. If it had been decent and polite I might have brought it up with my partner but as is, I wouldn't even mention it to him, let alone reply to you

That sounds cruel.

Nasty message and as others have said Para 3 is particularly nasty. It implies that she knows all about his abandonment of his first family and condones it. In fact, she may be the partner of someone who just looks like your dad. She may be your dad's current partner and totally unaware of how he left his family - if she even knows you exist.

Stop taking your bitterness out on a woman who isn't to blame for the situation.

Ignoring the baiting now....

@BritWifeinUSA

It’s too harsh and it’s inappropriate. What happened between your parents presumably had nothing to do with her. And there are probably things that went on that you knew nothing about. My father also walked out on us. Just packed a bag and left. I couldn’t speak to him for years afterwards but shortly before I moved to the US I decided it was “now or never” so I tracked him down (through Facebook), contacted him and arranged to meet him for lunch. I had assumed everything was his fault but there were things that happened in my parents’ marriage of which I was completely unaware and now see things differently. He has been to visit my husband and me here and although it’s not like the old days, it is a good relationship.

Exactly. It's awful. The poor woman knows nothing about it, and didn't deserve this. And to just cancel facebook so the poor thing can't respond is unforgivable.

@scarbados

Nasty message and as others have said Para 3 is particularly nasty. It implies that she knows all about his abandonment of his first family and condones it. In fact, she may be the partner of someone who just looks like your dad. She may be your dad's current partner and totally unaware of how he left his family - if she even knows you exist.

Stop taking your bitterness out on a woman who isn't to blame for the situation.

Well said too! ^

I have a little secondhand experience of adult children searching for their birth families. As a foster carer I have witnessed/helped many write a letter or message to perhaps a parent who either abandoned them, or in many cases was an abuser. However, all of them have written a pleasant or even neutral message, and that has usually been responded to. I have never come across any of the young people I care for to write such a wicked message as this, especially as it was not to the person themselves. Bearing in mind some of them have been searching for a parent who physically, emotionally or even sexually abused them, and like you were very angry, however they did not allow this to come across in the initial contact. On the odd occasion the message was sent to a new partner or sibling, they have written very factually, simply asking if they were related to John Smith of London, and not explaining who they were. Because of course the new partner, or new siblings are entirely innocent, and may not know anything about the person's past....and of course it is possible a mistake was made and it was the wrong person altogether.

I am thinking how would an innocent party react to a message such as yours. It could be potentially devastating to their lives and relationship.
I feel very sorry for the person receiving your cruel message. I totally understand your own anger, and that if you had direct contact with your father he may deserve everything you say. But this wasn't to him...I am sorry, I really think it was a cruel message to send to someone you do not know, and you may well have achieved a helpful reply if it were not so cruel as to put your anger into an "innocent" party.

But I wish you good luck in whatever you hope to achieve.

american oh I couldn't care less that you don't agree. No need to stamp those feet.
It's shocking the amount of women who would not only shield the men in their lives of their responsibilities but would block attempts of contact and blame the wronged child. Shocking and....well, shit.

I sympathise with OP. OP, have you considered counselling?
I completely understand your anger but not sure what you were really trying to achieve by sending that message, then deleting your account so she couldn't reply?
In my opinion this is a lesson in why it's a good idea to show a neutral friend a message like this before sending, to see how it comes across. You can't separate your anger from this, understandable, but another person could help you word it in a different way.
If I received your message I would be sympathetic but as others have said you come across as very bitter/out to cause trouble so probably wouldn't reply.

Have you had a reply op?

She can't get a reply despite asking for that in the message because she deleted her account after she sent it, tablelegs.

americandream ignoring the baiting? Do you mean it's been pointed out you're wrong and you don't like it??

I have turned fb back on. No reply. Don’t expect one. As many of you say I should’ve considered what I wrote more and not done it in a rage.

You’ve deleted the message so what was the point of that?

It's done now OP, so try not to beat yourself up about it. It really wasn't that bad. What time did you send it?

If you really want to find out more about him, and perhaps feel better about what you sent, you could message again saying sorry for the bitterness in your previous message - that you had a shock when you came across his photo on Facebook. That you wrote without thinking it through. You could say that you don't expect a response now.
I'm not sure this is a good idea - it's an unusual situation

Whilst I agree what the OP did was unwise and not the right way to go about things- it's not "hideous/unforgiveable/the worst thing someone could do". If I got that message I think I would be surprised but I don't think I'd be devastated- especially not if I knew that the "x" mentioned wasn't my partner (wrong name, couldn't have been in that location at that time etc).

And some of the posters here have been very rude, and some have been downright aggressive, towards OP. Which is ironic given how immoral they are saying OP has been. You can make your point that she didn't do the right thing/messed up without tearing apart someone is clearly very upset and having a tough time coming to terms with things that have happened to her. As to the poster who said as she was 17 years old she was "practically raised" and so it was all fine- utter rubbish.

Sent at 1pm no reply don’t expect one. As you’ve said wasn’t right to send it. Shouldn’t have sent it angry.

I don’t know if she received it or not but she hasn’t blocked me.

I looked at my dads profile more and the dog picture has a caption - same name as my dog growing up.