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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent this to who I think is my estranged fathers partner

348 replies

Ineedaweeinpeace · 23/03/2019 13:07

Hi xxx. Are you partners with a man called S? I’m just trying to figure out if my father who walked out on my family when I was 17 is still alive.

I think he looks like the man in one your pictures. He looks a lot like my brothers.

You’re probably aware that he walked out on his family and never spoke to them again. Never knew anything about his kids as adults. You’re probably aware how hurtful that is and how his 3 kids never knew what they did that was so bad that he didn’t want to know them.

So I’d really appreciate it if you could reply to this message with a yes or no- that would be the kind thing to do.

I hold no grudge to you or him. I don’t want to meet him. Purely for my own sanity would like to know if he still exists. S named me Xxxxx - I’m married now.

Think I found him on Facebook. Is this a truly awful msg to have sent? I don’t want anything honestly than to know if it’s him.

OP posts:
wigglypiggly · 23/03/2019 15:48

You shouldn't have sent it to her, you knew it was your dad so you could have messaged him, your message says you dont want to meet him so what was the point in sending it.

lisamac28 · 23/03/2019 15:49

Sooooo, does someone want to point me to the post where the OP said the woman in question (who received the email,) knows that her dad abandoned her?

What are you spewing on about? You know fine well she didn't say it.

DioneTheDiabolist · 23/03/2019 15:51

I don't think it's a truly awful message OP. You havent attacked the recipient and you have been pretty restrained about your dad disappearing.

If I received a message like that and it was a case of mistaken identity, I would feel sad for your pain. If it wasn't mistaken identity, I would still feel sad for your pain and tell my DP to contact you.

I hope you get an outcome that benefits you.Flowers

Margot33 · 23/03/2019 15:53

No don't send that message, it's too harsh. Use @OpportunityKnocks message, its much better.

americandream · 23/03/2019 15:53

What are YOU spewing on about @lisamac28 ? Hmm

Several people have said that the woman knew about her dad abandoning his family. Yet she never once said it. I know that.

Keep your nasty vitriol and anger away from me. Save it for people making stuff up to suit their agenda.

Yesicancancan · 23/03/2019 15:53

Move on. You can’t change this past and need to grieve for your ideals but nothing good with come from this. I say from painful experience that getting on with your life is the hardest but best thing you can do. If he gave a shit he would have found you. It’s nothing to do with this woman. OW are considered evil in here but it’s pain ridiculous to ascribe his behavior towards abandonment of you, onto her. She’s not that clever to turn a loving father into a disinterested one. It sounds like he was already.

LuluJakey1 · 23/03/2019 15:54

If I received that message, you would not be someone I would reply to. It is vindictive - you have no idea what she knows but are making sure she hears your side of whatever the story is.

It may not be him. You sound very odd. If you want nothing to do with him, why look for him on Facebook and why message her?

americandream · 23/03/2019 15:54

I was telling people to point it out coz I know they were talking parp!

sagradafamiliar · 23/03/2019 15:54

Same, Dione. I thought I'd missed something in the message so went back and re-read it and nope. There really isn't anything aggressive or attacking or designed for maximum hurt towards the woman at all. I'd feel bad for OP if I received it in error, too.

lisamac28 · 23/03/2019 15:56

Keep your nasty vitriol and anger away from me. Save it for people making stuff up to suit their agenda

You are by far the rudest/angriest poster on this thread.

Godowneasy · 23/03/2019 15:56

@american dream
No, I wasn't f-cking joking.
It's a view and it's a valid view.
I acknowledged it's a horrible message. OP had previously stated that it's definitely her father ( so a completely different scenario to your 'Lisa and Steve'). If her dad's partner was in a relationship before he actually left Op and her family, then it's extremely likely that she knew about his three children at the time. It shouldn't be too much of a surprise to her that one of the children has contacted her or her partner.

BluebadgenPIP · 23/03/2019 15:57

Did she read the message do you know?

Will she still see the message?

I know you’re hurting but you say you thought it was him, now you’re sure? Why not message him direct then?

americandream · 23/03/2019 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

americandream · 23/03/2019 15:59

@Godowneasy

Why so angry?

DeaflySilence · 23/03/2019 16:00

"So shouldn’t have sent it."

No, you shouldn't have sent it. It was PA, a horrible message to send to a woman who, just as likely, knows nothing of your existence or his past.

"But I am so cross"

And has reaching out to hurt a woman, you don't know, helped you to feel less cross or given you a weird form of retribution?

As other have said, by then deleting your account you have taken away her only chance of reaching out in return (hopefully it would have been in a kinder way, but even if it was to tick you off), plus it's left you with exactly the same problem as you had before.

Having said all that, I am genuinely sorry you are struggling in coming to terms with your past and the way you were treated, @Ineedaweeinpeace. Have you considered counselling, even if you can't have the family input you need?

americandream · 23/03/2019 16:01

@Godowneasy

There is NO evidence that the woman the OP has hurled this vile email at KNEW about her dad abandoning his family.

You can't just make stuff up to suit your agenda you know.

And..

Calm. Down.......... Smile

DioneTheDiabolist · 23/03/2019 16:02

I had to reread the OP before I posted too sagradafamiliar. I don't understand many of the replies on this thread.Confused

Reinstate your FB page OP, YANBU.

americandream · 23/03/2019 16:02

Agree @DeaflySilence what the OP did is abhorrent, and I am aghast at the (few) posters supporting what she did.

Speaks volumes about THEM. Wink

BluebadgenPIP · 23/03/2019 16:03

What I do t understand is why you didnt message him especially since you admit now you know it was him you found

sagradafamiliar · 23/03/2019 16:04

american you sound really affected and angry by this thread, for what it's worth you have no idea what goes on in a marriage behind closed doors, I'm quite sure a phone call enquiring after man of the same name wasn't the reason behind it ending.

sagradafamiliar · 23/03/2019 16:05

Ikr Dione, baffling! All the best to OP Thanks

lisamac28 · 23/03/2019 16:06

Just do one. Go on shoo shoo shoo. You're a pest. I'm am ignoring you on this thread now. Your posts aren't adding anything to the thread anyway
See ya!

GrinGrin Is this your normal reaction when people don't agree with you? I'm picturing you actually stamping your feet.

TeaForTheWin · 23/03/2019 16:08

I wouldn't reply to that message. If it had been decent and polite I might have brought it up with my partner but as is, I wouldn't even mention it to him, let alone reply to you. Because it seems like a shit stirring message (designed to make him look bad to her) and I honestly, would assume therefore that he had good reason for walking away from the family. Infact, probably wouldn't want him to get involved with anyone who could send something like that because it smacks of cray cray. Obviously, you were probably just angry and we say stupid stuff when we are mad at ppl...but its still not excusable. And I'm a right pushover so if I wouldn't stand for it or want to offer you help, I think you'll likely be out of luck with her too.

LuluJakey1 · 23/03/2019 16:10

My dad's brother left his wife and teenage children - lived in Australia. He disappeared off the face of the earth apparently. My dad and his parents wrote to his wife and tried really hard to find him to no avail. His wife wrote on letter saying they had never heard from him again and he had abandoned them and she had been told he had gone to Darwin- the other end of the country. Then she never responded to us again. My dad and grandparents tried hard to find him in Darwin but never did.

Years later I found my cousins in Australia. It turned out when their mother died they found a box of unopened letters from him - he had written every week for 5 years to them and then every few months after that until he said he was very ill and then the letters stopped. He had sent money to their mother too. He had never been anywhere near Darwin- was actually just about a hundred miles from where they lived.
He was ashamed and regretful in the letters, gave his address, wanted to see them. But they never knew until it was all too late.

We still don't know the whole story. My dad said he thinks he simply could not have faced his parents having abandoned his wife and children and been divorced (my grandparents were very strict catholics).

Bouldghirl · 23/03/2019 16:10

Please no. I know why you want to but it is wrong on so many levels.

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