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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sitting here waiting for DH again AIBU

393 replies

StressedAgain · 23/03/2019 11:40

I am sitting here waiting for DH to come home AGAIN.

He went out last night to a leavers do at work. Because of trains and alcohol he sometimes whenever he can stays overnight in a hotel. It's now Sat 1130, DC no.2 has already been chauffeured to their 1st activity, then later on my DC have another thing they need to be taken to for a few hours.

Eldest DC is upset as they have called their Dad up twice and his phone is off and not responding to messages. DC is getting stressed out that his dad may not be OK. I'm getting stressed out because 90% of me is used to this kind of behaviour but I too am wondering if he is OK.

I've got this to look forward to again on Tuesday night when he is going out with his friends and staying in a hotel again. Meanwhile I'll spend all Tues night at my DC's hobby.

AIBU to think that this is actually a bit sh!t. I am getting sick of it. My DC have asked me "when is he coming back", "what time will be be back" and I am getting stressed and snappy.

Seriously, how would you feel about this.

OP posts:
Yabbers · 23/03/2019 15:52

It seems he has form for it, once every 10 days. So it shouldn't come as a surprise. You've accepted it for however long, why is it a problem only now? I would have had words the first time it happened and made it clear I wouldn't expect it to be a regular occurrence.

My concern is with your children.

No matter what OH was doing or where he was, if DD was constantly texting him and becoming upset, I'd have nipped that in the bud and reassured her he was ok. In fact, I'd have taken her phone off her and said "right, let's go do something fun, Daddy will be back before you know it"

Letting your son become so worked up about it, isn't on.

Florescentadolescent · 23/03/2019 15:54

Staying in a hotel a couple of times a month for the sake of a couple of drinks seems exsessive. If he was a big drinker I could understand it more but, what he's doing just seems weird. If he is doing what he claimes. Also if he was out from say 5pm until midnight, he could have a couple of drinks and still be fine to drive. Why not drive to work and then home again. I'm sure parking will be less than a hotel.

Even if it is innocent and no other women are evolved, it's still incredibly selfish. He's having a relaxing day shopping, stays in a hotel after night out with friends, several times a month. While you're stuck with the kids. Does he ever take you out to hotels?

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 23/03/2019 16:14

No way there isn’t more to this, but even if there isn’t, he can’t check out of family life as he sees fit.

Original poster
StressedAgain · 23/03/2019 16:29

He's back now. Apparently I can go out anytime I like and stay over. How generous.

I can't though can I? He's not a responsible person so I don't want to.

I asked him what would happen in an emergency and his answer was if it was him, he'd just deal with it and not need anyone else to help him out. Apparently it doesn't take two of us to deal with an emergency.

OP posts:
juls1888 · 23/03/2019 16:32

So does he have lots of bags from his long, leisurely shopping trip (that never happened!)?

Have my first LTB, he sounds horrendous x

Darlingheart · 23/03/2019 16:32

This isn't right OP ... It really isn't! Surly deep down your gut instinct is screaming!!

thenightsky · 23/03/2019 16:40

Yes OP... what did he buy on his shopping trip?

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 23/03/2019 16:40

I don't think I've ever posted a LTB but he sounds awful OP. I couldn't share my life with someone so selfish and inconsiderate. He's not just being disrespectful to you, but seems to have no regard for your children either. His comments about dealing with an emergency are dreadful. What if one of your children was seriously hurt? What if you were hurt and they didn't know what to do?

FullOfJellyBeans · 23/03/2019 16:43

This would be fine for a one off significant event (Eg best friend's stag party) not as a regular occurrence. I'd be massively pissed off.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 23/03/2019 16:46

Apparently it doesn't take two of us to deal with an emergency.

Good, so he’ll Agree that he isn’t a necessary part of your family life and give you a divorce without objection:

PurpleFlower1983 · 23/03/2019 16:46

LTB, end of! I could not put up with this!

teaisabrew · 23/03/2019 16:47

He's walking all over you

Poppycat81 · 23/03/2019 16:48

From personal experience (my ex-DP did very similar vanishing acts) I would say leave while you can.

Your DC's happiness, and your own, are much too important to be living like this.

I won't lie, leaving isn't easy, nor will it immediately stop your pain, but you will build a better future for yourself and your DC.

ShellieEllie · 23/03/2019 16:51

Shopping... I'd be expecting one hell of a Mother's Day gift next week!

Petitprince · 23/03/2019 16:58

I hate to say this but I'd suspect it's worse than just hotels - bells would be ringing for coke, sex workers, an affair and secret debt.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 23/03/2019 17:00

The only thing he is shopping for is OPs replacement....terrible self entitled prick....I really feel for you OP but the only one who can change this sorry state of affairs is you....I so hope you can find the strength to do it, for your sake and the sake of the kids

ChristmasFluff · 23/03/2019 17:05

You are a single parent being dragged down by a (probably cheating) manchild. It's honestly easier once it's official and you've lost the manchild.

Motherofcreek · 23/03/2019 17:08

OP, DIG DEEP AND FIND YOUR SELF RESPECT

What an utter twat Angry

KickAssAngel · 23/03/2019 17:08

Do you see his bank accounts? I'd bet he's got a separate bank account that you can't access. He may not even be going to a hotel. He could be staying over with a girlfriend. Or spending it on drugs/prostitutes. Maybe he's a secret part time priest.

It doesn't really matter what he's doing. When you sign up to marriage & kids it means that you don't just go AWOL. Fine to have nights out, a weekend away etc, but decided jointly, with people still able to make contact if necessary, and shared knowledge of finances/free time etc.

Him not answering the phone then calling back sounds suspiciously like he's with someone else and then phoned back when he'd gone to another room/bathroom etc.

Cannotresist · 23/03/2019 17:08

I’m a family solicitor. The vast majority of disputed care arrangements end up for non primary carers as one evening a week and every other weekend.

It doesn’t sound like he would even want that so I wouldn’t worry about 50 50.

EKGEMS · 23/03/2019 17:09

He CAN'T DEAL with an emergency because apparently he can't even find his way home after a night out! No damn way would I tolerate him

XiCi · 23/03/2019 17:09

So where has he been all day OP? Did he come back with bags of shopping from his shopping trip?
Staying away that often I think it's pretty clear what he's up to. If he only drinks one of two then he could easily just stick to the one and drive home.
He is saying you can stay away any time because he knows damn well that you wont, or he really doesn't give a shit what you do, or both
Ask yourself how long you can go on living like this because it sounds horrendous. Do you want your kids to grow up thinking this is a normal family life because it really isnt. Your son has been upset all day because of this. How many more times will the children be exposed to this and upset by his actions? I really hope you find the strength to leave him. In your shoes is be getting a sexual health check as well.

babyno5 · 23/03/2019 17:10

OP this really is completely unacceptable behaviour.

IHateUncleJamie · 23/03/2019 17:13

he'd just deal with it and not need anyone else to help him out.

So if he fell down and broke a leg, or slipped getting out of the bath, he’d just deal with it and not need anyone else? Who would sort out childcare while he got taken to hospital? If one of your children was taken ill, would he want to know? Bit tricky if his phone’s off.

He’s literally mugging you off, OP. Blatantly taking the piss and he doesn’t even care. This isn’t a marriage. All the warning signs are there.

My DH and I know the passwords to each other’s phones; I could even track his whereabouts and he mine if we wanted or needed to (which we don’t). I would not tolerate your DH for one second longer.

Imacliche · 23/03/2019 17:13

Havent read the thread but this screams of him shagging someone else and blatantly thinking your not intelligent enough to suss it.