Sitting here waiting for DH again AIBU

[StressedAgain]

I am sitting here waiting for DH to come home AGAIN.

He went out last night to a leavers do at work. Because of trains and alcohol he sometimes whenever he can stays overnight in a hotel. It's now Sat 1130, DC no.2 has already been chauffeured to their 1st activity, then later on my DC have another thing they need to be taken to for a few hours.

Eldest DC is upset as they have called their Dad up twice and his phone is off and not responding to messages. DC is getting stressed out that his dad may not be OK. I'm getting stressed out because 90% of me is used to this kind of behaviour but I too am wondering if he is OK.

I've got this to look forward to again on Tuesday night when he is going out with his friends and staying in a hotel again. Meanwhile I'll spend all Tues night at my DC's hobby.

AIBU to think that this is actually a bit sh!t. I am getting sick of it. My DC have asked me "when is he coming back", "what time will be be back" and I am getting stressed and snappy.

Seriously, how would you feel about this.

Do you even know which city he’s in?

I'm scared I'd only get 50/50 if I kick him out. Do you think they would take into consideration that he goes AWOL?

He won't want 50/50, it would interfere with his social life too much. My ex 'wanted' 50/50, in reality he couldn't even manage 5 hours a week...doesn't even bother to see DC now.

I put up with this type of behaviour for a good few years. Dreaded being on my own, didn’t want to be a single parent etc. Eventually he took the decision out of my hands and it’s the best thing he’s done.

It’s like a fog has lifted. I can think clearly. There are other things on my mind apart from him and his shitty behaviour. My weekends are ruined with worry. I am better with the kids because im more chilled out.

What would your DH say if you went and stayed in a hotel all night and day every 10 days?

I’s be using a photo of him to break into his phone to steal his passwords for his other devices... that’s me!

If the only thing stopping you from initiating a divorce is 50/50 custody, I think you should go ahead.

A man spending this much time away from his family is not one who wants the responsibility of children half time.

Why are you putting up with this shit?

It doesn’t matter if he’s having an affair or not. He clearly doesn’t care about you or your dc.

DIVORCE HIM

My friend is going through similar and she knows full well that he is up to no good ( his problem is Coke ) but she openly admits she couldn't cope with the dc alone.

Op I think you should be prepared for the worst. Drugs/affairs are looking more likely
as you continue to update.
Is his hotel spending impacting on family finances at all? What do you have for yourself?
I'm so sorry you're in this crappy situation. Time to stop being nice wife. He needs a kick in the balls and a reality check.

Is try and get access to his phone. Face ID will have password access too. Or just pay out for a PI. I'd need to know what he was up to before I accuse him of anything.

Affair or not this isn't on OP.

Don't be concerned about 50/50.
For starters he is so selfish he doesn't even do 50/50 currently. Why would you think he'd change?

Just think about what you want, how you want to live your life and bring up your children. If it's like this, stay put. If you want change, you know what.you have to do.

There's no way in hell I'd be putting up with this

What I may be inclined to do is ask to see his bank statements... if he doesn't want to show you, that says a lot.

To follow on from the PP, he either shows you bank statements now or he’ll have to disclose them as part of the divorce anyway.

I don’t think it’s abandonment as he is just treating you like the doormat that picks up his slack. He’s upsetting your children and an arse for that, regardless of whether he’s having an affair.

He can probably expense the hotels if he can reasonably say the nights out were 'team building' etc.

You say AGAIN but here you are putting up with it so you get what you settle for.
You are making a choice every day to live this way so why complain.
Seriously wake up and change things for your DC and yourself.

OP what do your parents and his parents think of this behaviour? 100% sure they are all unaware as i bet you spend so much time covering for him through embarrassment....no one should live the kind of life you and your children are...I think too he is having an affair,the issue is he thinks you are too thick to recognize it.He is massively disrespecting you and even worse your children....you should be top of the pile not the bottom,I am sorry you are having to live like this its dreadful.

Reference the poster up thread who aghast at woman who put up with this sort of thing, I ‘put up with’ this shit for years (well very similar), there are many reason why (loss of self esteem, fear, gaslighting to name but a few).

The book ‘Co-dependent no more’ by Melody Beattie helped sort me out. I’d read it op, among other things it will show you why calling his phone repeatedly is pointless and unhelpful for you, then again it will also explain why you do it and how to stop. Just don’t wait as long as I did to get out.

How old are your dcs? They are witnessing all this shit and your husband is bvu - not a nice way to model a marriage. As for wanting to be out after 10 pm, it’s the frequency, which is a massive issue. And clearly a bogus reason. My dh occasionally stays in a hotel with friends away or visits friends. Every 10 days. Wow!

What a wanker! I can't believe your putting up with this OP, it's so disrespectful

You’ve let this slide, now you can see it’s effecting your dc it’s time to act

Most hotels have you checked out by 10am. What the he'll is he playing at.

No bloody way would my DH want to spend that much time away from the family at weekends.

I wouldn't worry about him wanting 50% custody, as he doesn't seem to want to apparent never mind do it on his own.

I would be very suspicious, but even if he is just a selfish pig and there isn't another woman, I wouldn't be putting up with this shit. No way.

Wow, but i also would not put up with this, i actually have no words of wisdom or any words that would help you, its a shame you couldnt see the face my DH pulled when i told him.

Hi op, it doesn’t really matter what he is doing,he obviously is not committed to you and your dc.
Read him the riot act, ask for instant and immediate access to all emails,texts,bank accounts etc.
If he baulks at that you know you have a big problem.
Ask him to leave for a week or two while you have time to think about your choices. X

Mmm, sorry to say but I would be hugely suspicious. If he's only with his mates then why on earth wouldn't he even speak to his kids on the phone. Red flags all over it.

I agree with Borderterrierpuppy....really it doesnt matter what he is doing or who he is doing it with the simple fact is he isnt doing it with his family and you....sounds like he has emotionally checked out of the marriage at the very least.

Totally agree with MinisterForCheekyFuckery. He is married to you and has a family. He’s taking the absolute piss and being incredibly selfish to just disappear and switch his phone off, turning up at home when he feels like it.

The fact that he’s staying overnight in a hotel after social events so often would make me suspicious tbh, especially as he’s also going no-contact during this time. Like you say, he’s not drinking so any responsible person would just leave in time to get the last train home. The hotel visits must cost a fortune!