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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want partner going out night before mother's Day?

110 replies

ohhcecelia · 22/03/2019 18:15

DH had planned a night in with some mates Friday before mother's Day - which was fine, I planned to go off my mum's to spend the night so I was out of the way.

Now people can't make it so instead he's planning a work night out, the Saturday night before mother's Day? AIBU to be upset at this? No plans for the next day, I obviously won't get one of the two lie-ins I get a year (birthday and MD) and he'll spend the entire day hungover.

OP posts:
WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 22/03/2019 18:16

Why don't you get more than 2 lie ins a year? That's fucking ridiculous!

babysharkah · 22/03/2019 18:17

The iris units but is that you get two lie ins a year.

AmIBU123 · 22/03/2019 18:17

This wouldn't bother me tbh but I know it would really upset my friend. I guess it's how important mothers day is to you. How old is/are your DC?

Alsohuman · 22/03/2019 18:17

Maybe you could have your mothers' day lie in on Saturday instead?

Cloudyyy · 22/03/2019 18:18

Have a lie-in on the Saturday instead? Organise something lovely to do all together Sunday lunch/ afternoon? It doesn’t have to be a big deal.

HavelockVetinari · 22/03/2019 18:20

Two lie-ins PER YEAR??! WTF? Why don't you have one each at the weekend?

Also - YANBU, he needs to cancel. It's once a year, the selfish fecker!

FullOfJellyBeans · 22/03/2019 18:23

The night out wouldn't bother me but I wouldn't be happy if he was going to be hungover and useless all day. I'd be tempted to book myself into a spa and leave at 8am (kids can give you cards before then) so he can deal with the kids and household stuff all day.

Original poster
ohhcecelia · 22/03/2019 18:26

DD is 3. DH works as an a.manager in retail so never gets a full weekend off. He's working Saturday and I've planned to see my Mum.

Never have lie ins because he's a deep sleeper that can make up to an hour to get up (even with alarms constantly going off) and I'm a light sleeper, so by the time he gets up to DD shouts I'm wide awake anyway. Used to piss me off a lot more, sorta accepted it now.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 22/03/2019 18:30

It really wouldn't bother me, unless he came in being very obviously drunk, loud, waking people up etc. And that would annoy me whatever day of the year it was!
Have your lie in on Saturday. And plan with him how you will be getting more of these in the future.
Enjoy being with your DC on Sunday morning. Send them in to wake up daddy if they get too OTT. Get DH to plan a celebratory meal out, be it lunch, afternoon tea or dinner, if that is what you would like.

Tiptoetiptoetiptoe · 22/03/2019 18:31

I’m sure he’d wake up more often if you casually roll him out of bed.
Not a chance I’d only have 2 lie-ins a year.

YANBU, and why hasn’t he planned anything for MD as your DD is so young? He sounds a bit of a pratt.

HollowTalk · 22/03/2019 18:32

You know what, if he wanted to get up, he could. Those bloody deep sleepers, they wouldn't miss a football match or a holiday, would they? They rely on someone being there to cajole them.

He's being very, very unfair in all sorts of ways.

bomanaise · 22/03/2019 18:37

I wouldn't care about this at all. But then I wouldn't care if my DH went on a lads piss up on Valentine's Day. I think your reasoning behind him not walking up to give you a lie on is bullshit. How convenient he can't wake up to mind his daughter but can get up for work.

IdblowJonSnow · 22/03/2019 18:41

Yanbu. He sounds pretty selfish in general based on what you've said.

FurryGiraffe · 22/03/2019 18:42

You know what, if he wanted to get up, he could. Those bloody deep sleepers, they wouldn't miss a football match or a holiday, would they? They rely on someone being there to cajole them.

This. DH used to be a ridiculously deep sleeper. Could've slept through an earthquake. Liked to wake up by setting the alarm an hour before he needed to be up so he could hit snooze fifty times come round slowly. But he learned to tune into the DC at night when it's his turn because he's not an arse and doesn't think it's reasonable for me to do all the nighttime stuff simply because I have ovaries.

Original poster
ohhcecelia · 22/03/2019 18:42

It is bullshit. I work from home and he won't get up before 10-11am if he's starting at 2 so I can get some work done. It's a late day then because he's then working until 11pm but he's always moaning about how I need to go get a 'proper job' to earn more money, but won't get up for me when I run a business from home. We pay 50/50 bills and rent and I do 95% of housework. Sorry for going off topic but he's unfair in a lot of ways and I guess I just expect more on mother's Day to show his gratitude for how much I do compared to him.

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 22/03/2019 18:44

I’d be ok with him going out, but not drinking to excess or staying out latex He should not be hungover. He needs to still get up early and make you breakfast. He needs to not be so tired that he can’t step it up a bit and let you relax.

Frankly on a random Sunday, he shouldn’t be hungover and shirking parenting duties either.

converseandjeans · 22/03/2019 18:49

It totally depends. If he will go out but still be fine the next day then that's OK but if it means he will stay in bed hungover then that's not really on. But not necessarily because it's mothers day. He needs to up his game a bit - for example if he stays in bed late in the week, perhaps Sunday could always be his day to get up with DD. He sounds like hard work if he's lolling about in bed til 11 in the week!

Frouby · 22/03/2019 18:51

If you wfh then rent office space, about £30 a week where I live, then at 8am you get up and go to work. I wfh too, dh is out of the house at 6am generally so I get up, do the house shit, then drop ds and come home and work. When ds was small he went to childcare.

You need to take your wfh as seriously as a job, which means set hours etc. Around your dhs job if necessary but set hours. If your dh doesn't do his share of childcare then pay for it out of both incomes.

Wrt to 2 lie ins a year, thats fucking ridiculous. As above my dh leaves very early every day, sunday is my lie in no matter what. If he (very rarely) has a night out om Saturday I lie in Saturday. Sometimes he works Saturday, if so he lies in the first Sunday, me the second. That's because he's not a cunt and I am not default childcare.

Bythepath · 22/03/2019 19:00

My DH is going out on the Saturday. And is out on Mothers day itself at an end of season sports event till lunchtime. I don't mind. We have my mum and family coming over for a late lunch and will celebrate mothers day then. I am sure my 3 DC will try hard to be good for me in the morning. Difference is I will have a bit of lie in tomorrow as am tired after a particularly hardweek and my DH, despite not getting in till 11pm (from work) tonight will get up a bit earlier. So having a lie in on Mothers day isn't a big deal.

DanglyBangly · 22/03/2019 19:00

because he's a deep sleeper that can make up to an hour to get up

He gets up for work though. Or does he also spend an hour waking up on a work day?

CostanzaG · 22/03/2019 19:01

First of all its completely unreasonable that you only get 2 lie ins a year. That needs to change!

I don't think it's a problem that he goes out providing you still get your lie in. My DH went out last year but came home at a reasonable time and still got up with DS.

GertrudeCB · 22/03/2019 19:07

He sounds like a bellend.

0nTheEdge · 22/03/2019 20:11

Does he bring many positive things to your life? Sounds like he's more than a bit selfish and you're doing most of the work. I'd be telling him to shape up or bugger off. Would you be able to spend the occasional night at your parents or something so you can have a lie in? Bet he'd wake up if he didn't have you fall back on/mug off.

Original poster
ohhcecelia · 31/03/2019 08:17

Sorry for not responding earlier. We discussed it and basically said fine to go out, if he didn't make any effort the next day, he could spend the rest of it packing up his things and leaving.

On his actual night out last night I open the laptop to work and find he's left his Facebook open. He's been flirting with a girl from work for over a year - I found out last year he was giving her "scenic route" lifts home as well as regularly messaging her. It's well known at work that she fancies him so I asked him to stop messaging her except for about work. Obviously I snooped in his messages, only found a few the rest had been deleted. Ones about how she's "looking forward" to him "beating her up" with those blow heart fucking emoji faces and other flirting. I messaged him about it, he obviously tried to turn it round on me and how he needs to "justify his every move" to me and that was that. Woke up this morning and he didn't come home.

Would that be it for you now? I'm so angry with him and upset that he doesn't give a shit about throwing away eight years and our life with our daughter but I don't think I can trust him at all. Just looking for advice really - however harsh it needs to be. Think I need to get my big girl pants on and get a grip.

OP posts:
Figgygal · 31/03/2019 08:20

He sounded like a selfish fuck face before your update op let alone an untrustworthy one

Leave his bags on the doorstep when he gets back today