AIBU - Morning Phone call

[MrsNacho]

My DP works away. In the morning he gets up in his hotel, has a shower, throws on his work gear and then rings me.

It drives me mad!!

In the morning I get up, sort out the wet washing in the machine, have a shower, start calling the kids, dry my hair, call the kids some more, cajole the youngest into getting dressed, clean my teeth, feed the animals, lose my temper at the teen, finally get him up, supervise his medication and carb count his breakfast, do my face, remind everyone to get everything several times, referee the endless bickering...

so basically a good morning chat is the very last thing that I need. Then I am driving, dropping two kids at breakfast club, the teen near his school and getting to work hopefully on time. I am a new driver so even if I remembered to ring him on hands free before we left, I don't want the distraction.

We have spoken about this before and he says well I just wanted to hear your voice.

Today he rang and I was a bit short with him and I think he is offended.

So AIBU to tell him not to call me in the morning?

[Nanny0gg]

let him ring, put the phone on speaker and just carry on so he can hear the chaos.

He's being selfish. And I can't believe how often you speak in the day anyway!

[Grandadwasthatyou]

My dh died suddenly through the night whilst working abroad. I would give anything for one of his early morning phone calls now , which I admit used to drive me mad whilst I was trying to get 3 dc ready for school.

[americandream]

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff You obviously think it's OK to phone your partner, and bug them when they're busy, because YOU do it to yours.

Would drive me mad, that kind of clingy, needy behaviour.

[Vulpine]

Slightly missing point of thread but do you put the washing on over night?

[ForalltheSaints]

I expect the call would be less or no issue if the DCs behaviour was better. Support from your DH to do this should be the first thing.

[BlackCatSleeping]

I read this article about an Australian dad who always left for work before his wife and kids got up so never saw the morning routine. One day he was off work and saw how manic it was and do you know what he did?

He didn't blame the wife for being a shit mum who wasn't in control of the kids in the morning.

He didn't think of ways he could make things more stressful by placing more demands on his wife.

Instead, he started getting up even earlier so he could help out by making the kids' packed lunches to ease the burden a bit.

That's a good husband and dad.

Oh, and he made really amazing healthy packed lunches so started blogging about it. Hence the article.

[burritofan]

A man starts doing the very bare minimum of parenting, and jumps the very low bar of being a decent human (he doesn't actively try to make things worse, wow! He "helps out" with what's 50% his responsibility anyway) and he gets a newspaper article about it?! I hope the wife got an entire book written about her.

[birdsdestiny]

Yes my thoughts exactly. I hope she got a bloody film and a mini series out of it.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Hmm, I wonder if she had time available to do each little task to such a high standard and write a blog about it?

I'd be more impressed if he spent his daily blogging time folding and putting away laundry really.

[MrsNacho]

@Vulpine yes I put it on when I go to bed then sort it when I get up in the morning so it can dry while I am at work.
My next door neighbour does the same and we have never heard each others washer.

[Absurditi]

YANBU. I go away for a week and I might send some texts or Facebook messages to DP, but calling every day? I'd find that stifling and annoying.

[Stawp]

You're not too busy to talk to him, you're just too busy to make talking to him a priority. If it's like the after less than a year then that doesn't bode well.

[BlackCatSleeping]

Oh, dear. He blogs about the school lunches he makes. Hardly the crime of the century. I'm sure he folds and puts away the laundry as soon as he gets home from work.

MN is a forum aimed at mothers, yet on so many of these threads women are criticised if they don't put their partner's needs first and a man is sneered at for actually parenting.

It's just a shame there isn't more positivity sometimes.

Here's his IG if anyone is interested: www.instagram.com/schoollunchbox/

OP, I'm glad you have decided to ignore his calls. I think it's the best bet. Life as a single mum is hard. You don't need a partner who makes it harder.

[DelphiniumBlue]

Have him on speaker phone in the kitchen so he can hear what's going on!

[lottiegarbanzo]

I'm sure the blog is lovely (and maybe even helpful to others) but it fits very neatly into a recognisable pattern of behaviour whereby some men want and seek 'praise' for 'helping' domestically, instead of just mucking in and accepting tedious, repetitive tasks as part of their lot as an adult and parent.

I feel positive about everyone, their abilities and maturity, in as much as I expect decent standards of behaviour from all adults.

Someone would have to have extraordinarily negative ideas and expectations to think that a normal reaction to seeing your wife experiencing an everyday stressy morning routine would be:

To blame the wife for being a shit mum who wasn't in control of the kids in the morning.

Or Think of ways he could make things more stressful by placing more demands on his wife.

Why would anyone do either of things, or think that anyone else would do either of those things? That would be negative - and quite derogatory towards someone who is presumably, a decent grown-up.

[lottiegarbanzo]

But yes, getting up early and doing lovely lunches is quite sweet and a bit 'over and above'.

It's just the seeking praise through public recognition that rings a little 'here we go again' bell. I know from experience that blogging and the like quickly becomes a real commitment that has to be accommodated and worked around (can be fitted in to one's existing leisure time, can easily start to encroach on other things).

[Absurditi]

why would anyone do either of things, or think that anyone else would do either of those things?*
course people do those things!!! how could you think they don't exist.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Shitbags might do those things, decent people wouldn't.

It shows extremely low standards, poor life experiences, or negative patterns of thought to consider such reactions normal.

My claim, which I stand by, is that negativity about men is to be found on the side of such low expectations, whereas positivity about people, their behaviour and potential, is on the side of expecting decent behaviour as the norm.

Whereas pp seemd to be arguing from a position of expecting the worst from men and fathers as 'neutral' so any nice act as something positive.

[BlackCatSleeping]

But that's my point, the article was purely about how amazing the lunches are, not goodness me a man actually does some parenting, all bow down to him. He doesn't actually seek praise for what he's doing and hasn't called his blog something like "Isn't daddy amazing?". The whole point of what I'm saying is that here's a guy whose response to his wife struggling while he's at work is to step up and do more and it's a shame that more men don't feel the same way. The packed lunches have become like a hobby of his, that's the only reason he blogs about them.

Actually, the sentiments I expressed are all sentiments that have been expressed on this thread. Someone actually implied that the problem is the OP's parenting in the morning, loads of people have suggested she puts him on speakerphone. It's bizarre, she already speaks to him plenty. She's busy. It's absolutely fine to say, it's not a good time. Women don't have to constantly put themselves at the bottom of the heap all the time.

[Vulpine]

Op - it's not the noise I was wondering about, it's leaving the washing wet for hours - doesn't it smell? If it doesn't then it's a good idea I might implement!

[MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah]

Crikey op, either face-time and let him see how inconsiderate he's being or just tell him to put the tv on for 10 minutes. Or go down to breakfast earlier. Or get up later. It would drive me mad.

[TowelNumber42]

I am glad you've decided not to answer.

I would take it further: don't jump to his tune so much. Be less available. It seems like everything is built around what's convenient for him.

You are already making excuses for rather a lot of red flags. That he even tried sulking is bad. Ignoring what you said about the morning calls is bad. The concept of "needy". I mean think about that word for a minute. In my experience needy behaviours can equally be described as selfish.

Be more selfish yourself. You see what a man is truly like when you say No. Say no more.

[bumblingbovine49]

That would dive me absolutely insane as would the amount of contact in the evenings. A couple of texts in the day plus a chat every/ every other day is more than enough for me.!!!

[cuppycakey]

YANBU - this would piss me off.

I would just tell him you won't be answering. Then do it.

[TowelNumber42]

Going back to your original post

We have spoken about this before and he says well I just wanted to hear your voice.
So you have told him already to stop it and why. His response was to bleat that he doesn't want to stop, for purely selfish reasons.

Today he rang and I was a bit short with him and I think he is offended.
Cheeky fucker alert. He should have apologised for doing the thing you already told him not to do. He should be sending you a big bunch of flowers as an apology. Not getting the hump! He was the one firmly in the wrong. Have you had a good apology from him? Or have you been getting the sulks?

So AIBU to tell him not to call me in the morning?
You already did that. How nicely you tell him you really really mean it would depend on how good his apology has been for this thoughtlessness over the phone calls still being made after you requested him to stop and explained how inconvenient it is for you.

If he cares about your feelings he will be making amends. You won't need to tell him again.

If he only cares about himself then he'll get the hump, keep calling, and you'll see you are skipping down the yellow brick road to another abusive relationship.

What happens next should make it clear