AIBU - Morning Phone call

[MrsNacho]

My DP works away. In the morning he gets up in his hotel, has a shower, throws on his work gear and then rings me.

It drives me mad!!

In the morning I get up, sort out the wet washing in the machine, have a shower, start calling the kids, dry my hair, call the kids some more, cajole the youngest into getting dressed, clean my teeth, feed the animals, lose my temper at the teen, finally get him up, supervise his medication and carb count his breakfast, do my face, remind everyone to get everything several times, referee the endless bickering...

so basically a good morning chat is the very last thing that I need. Then I am driving, dropping two kids at breakfast club, the teen near his school and getting to work hopefully on time. I am a new driver so even if I remembered to ring him on hands free before we left, I don't want the distraction.

We have spoken about this before and he says well I just wanted to hear your voice.

Today he rang and I was a bit short with him and I think he is offended.

So AIBU to tell him not to call me in the morning?

[MrsNacho]

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis we have never lived together so I am not sure how weekday mornings will be when we do.

It is a fairly new relationship (less than a year) and he works away all week and we see each other weekends, sometimes at mine, sometimes at his if the kids arent home.

[Halo84]

Yes YABU. Do you know how many women would love to have your problem?

Arrange a time for him to call 10 minutes earlier than you normally awake to speak to him. It’s a small thing to do for him.

[MaudeLynne]

Facetime so he can chat with the kids at breakfast and you can shout hello as you pass by.

[MaudeLynne]

Ahh, ok, cross posted with the 'new realtionship' and 'not living together' bit - probably less of an incentive for him to chat with the kids each morning.

[Plurabelle]

If he cares about you, he'll want to work things out and ring at a time that is okay for you. He'll understand that you have a lot on and would prefer to speak at a time when you have space to communicate.

We don't have to rearrange our entire busy life because - grateful gasp - A MAN - fancies hearing our voice...

[WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll]

He INBU to want to be able to hear your voice in the mornings.

Record a personal automated message saying "Hi, this is Mrs Nacho. Like most busy mums in the morning on a school day, as you'd expect, I am far too busy to answer your call right now. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you later when things are less hectic."

He gets to hear your voice; you don't have any extra stress - job done.

[FriarTuck]

we have never lived together so I am not sure how weekday mornings will be when we do.
Bit of a drip-feed! He has no experience of your mornings so is doing the whole 'fairly new relationship, being enthusiastic' thing. If he didn't call you'd complain he didn't care. If all he sees is calm weekend mornings then he's not going to get it.

[StarlingsEverywhere]

God, threads like this make me think DH and I are lucky to have found each other (or to like being codependent!). We both travel for work and usually call in the morning and evening (then again just before we go to sleep!). I’m sure this would be a nightmare for some couples, though.

[MrsNacho]

The kids don't have breakfast at home (apart from the teen) they go to breakfast club. Plus the kids aren't his, they would probably find it weird to chat to him and they are hard enough to get out of the house on time without distractions.

The alexa thing could work maybe?

I suppose waking up 10 mins earlier wouldn't be the end of the world if it really means that much to him. Maybe I am just mean and unfeeling.

[AnOwlCalledPlop]

We don't have to rearrange our entire busy life because - grateful gasp - A MAN - fancies hearing our voice...

Urgh. This.

So he’s a relatively new boyfriend and not the kids’ father. He knows how busy you are with your kids but cares not a jot.

Just your common or garden selfish man then.

[burritofan]

Turn your phone off/mute his calls or texts until it's convenient for you. What a pain in the bum.

As for the "you don't know how lucky you have it" comments...

[Murinae]

My husband works away and that would drive me mad especially with all the other contact you have throughout the day. We also text and FaceTime when needed throughout the day and evening but as we both work we find texts the best as the other can reply when they have time. Mornings are not my best time and I’m busy getting everything ready for work so I can understand why you don’t want to talk to him then.

[Halo84]

Ah, missed that you don’t live together. He had no idea of your morning routine. I’d suggest you explain it, tell him you adore him (assuming you do) and ask that he call you in the evening.

[BarbaraofSevillle]

Do you know how many women would love to have your problem

Probably very few. When you're in the throes of the morning routine and you have more tasks than you have time and you have to get out of the door by a certain time, the last thing anyone needs is someone calling just to say hello, 'hear your voice' and have a chat about nothing in particular, or conversely, a serious conversation about life, the universe and everything else.

[MyFavouriteDress1]

I assume he doesn't have his own kids or if he does he has never properly lived with them. It is really sweet that he wants to speak to you in the morning but you are not being unreasonable. He shouldn't feel offended by that. Try to work out a compromise.

[Hanab]

Send him a voicemail just when you getbup with a promise of a chat later .. OP you have no idea how many ladies envy you right now .. to have OH actually says he misses your voice/you 🌷& to top it off calls you!

[lottiegarbanzo]

Just tell him it's inconvenient and don't answer the phone. Let him know (in advance) when would be a better time. Talk then.

He needs to get used to the idea that the children come first - their needs before his wants - if he's ever going to live with you and your relationship survive. You may as well find out sooner rather than later if that's going to be a possibility.

[timeisnotaline]

I wouldn’t pick up tbh! But i find mornings miserable even without the kids.

[howmanybiscuits]

YANBU.

So, they're not his DC. Is he a father?

Especially if not, he needs to listen to you - this is something you have experience of and he doesn't. School mornings in your family set up* are not the time for a phone call. Are you communicating this directly and clearly or are you being overly polite about it?

If you've already communicated this directly, then the issue is he is not listening to you and this goes beyond a phonecall. Why does he think it's OK to do something you have asked him not to? Why should you make your morning difficult to give him an ego-stroke? He sounds needy and dismissive of your feelings, no matter how "nice" he is being about it.

Or, if you're being overly polite and not being clear that actually, you mean - don't call me - then you need to be a bit more direct and assertive. Say exactly what you mean, and mean it. Say - please don't call me in the mornings, it doesn't work for me.

*(as in most families I imagine - but I guess there must be some people out there who manage to have relaxed mornings)

[MrsNacho]

I have explained it to him, very nicely. I have made an allowance for the fact he might not get it.

I just wondered if I have become too set in my ways and I should be grateful that he is the romantic type. I am not great at the sweet romance side of a relationship so I know sometimes it is me.

[howmanybiscuits]

He needs to get used to the idea that the children come first - their needs before his wants - if he's ever going to live with you and your relationship survive. You may as well find out sooner rather than later if that's going to be a possibility

This.

[TwoRoundabouts]

OP if he refuses to get the message when he calls simply say to him something like "Sorry busy will talk to you at lunch. Bye bye" then put the phone down.

If he rings again don't answer it.

[namechange0123]

Lol this sounds familiar to me.

DH works away for the week and calls me without fail 8 AM when I'm wrestling with the toddler to get him ready for nursery.

In his defence btw we don't manage to talk in the evening as DS becomes unmanageable when he sees mobiles, puts on his YouTube by himself (!) to listen to songs, and clicks on the red button interrupting the call. And I fall asleep with him so that's also out.

I'm an early riser and DH the opposite, so no early mornings either.

But we claim that this way our marriage will last longer.

[Grace212]

oh you've never lived together....I was wondering how he could be so odd about it.

Ideally he needs to use a day's leave to see what your weekday morning is like.

but before that, next call, pop the phone on speaker on the side and just tell him to listen to your morning for 10 mins. I do think he is being madly U though, you telling him should be enough.

[Ohyesiam]

Is only seeing his needs and not yours sweet? I’m not so sure.
If he genuinely had your interests at heart he’d give you some space.

How do you feel about being in contact all afternoon and evening? I’d find that a bit stifling, I like to leave a bit of space to miss someone before I reconnect.