AIBU - Morning Phone call

[MrsNacho]

My DP works away. In the morning he gets up in his hotel, has a shower, throws on his work gear and then rings me.

It drives me mad!!

In the morning I get up, sort out the wet washing in the machine, have a shower, start calling the kids, dry my hair, call the kids some more, cajole the youngest into getting dressed, clean my teeth, feed the animals, lose my temper at the teen, finally get him up, supervise his medication and carb count his breakfast, do my face, remind everyone to get everything several times, referee the endless bickering...

so basically a good morning chat is the very last thing that I need. Then I am driving, dropping two kids at breakfast club, the teen near his school and getting to work hopefully on time. I am a new driver so even if I remembered to ring him on hands free before we left, I don't want the distraction.

We have spoken about this before and he says well I just wanted to hear your voice.

Today he rang and I was a bit short with him and I think he is offended.

So AIBU to tell him not to call me in the morning?

[Crabby10]

Leave him at home for a week with the kids and u go and stay in a hotel and go out all day 9 to 5 then come back to ur home at the weekend see how he likes it

[SimonJT]

My ex travelled a lot and would call me everyday, however I liked it, if I didn’t it would have been annoying.

Is he more responsive if you suggest a rule, e.g call on a Tuesday at x time? If it’s a mobile you can set it to go straight to voicemail.

[MrsNacho]

I haven't brought it up again as we discussed it when he rang last time (when I started the therad).

Will leave it at that unless he calls again.

[MrsNacho]

We have had a lovely weekend, we always do when we are together, no problems there. He is just needy when he is away.

Meeting up in a little while to take DS and ExDSD to the park. (My exes daughter, sister of my son).

[TakemedowntoPotatoCity]

When I first read your op and thought he was your long term partner and the kids were his I had a smidgen of sympathy. Now he just seems annoying and needy, and potentially controlling. Be aware. He has very little.idea what morning running around kids are like, and if he can't be sympathetic to this it's not a good sign.

[Mememeplease]

He's disrespectful. I can't get over all the posters who think it's sweet.

It's not sweet. He's not listening to you and that is not good. But it's also worrying that you are doubting yourself and haven't already stopped it by sharply pulling him up on it.

I'd think about your boundaries in the rest of your relationship too. I suspect there are more red flags that you might not be recognising yet.

[calpop]

Why is this an issue?. Just dont answer the phone if its not convenient. My mother used to do this, it drove me mad. I had young kids and she would phone at 6 on the dot when she got home from work and i was in the middle of tea and baths. I asked her once why always 6 on the dot, after having explained numerous times it was a really hectic time for me. Her answer was basically that she was getting it out of the way early so that she wasnt interupted while the soaps were on. I never answered the phone to her in the early evening again. After a few weeks of me deliberately calling her back in the middle of Coronation Street it soon stopped and now we speak later in the evening, convenient for everyone.

[TowelNumber42]

How has the weekend with him been @MrsNacho?

[gruffaloschildgonewild]

Get wireless earphones. That way you can talk to hime whilst shouting at your kids at the same time. He will soon learn that mornings wont be that lovey dovey chatty ones that he imagined. Romance is not supposed to make your life difficult. For me romance would be my partner turning up in the morning as surprise and taking care of the kids routine whilst I have breakfast in peace.

[Nairobe]

Yambu. Why not leave each other voice watsapp instead, that way you can listen when you chose.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

"" @DuckbilledSplatterPuff You obviously think it's OK to phone your partner, and bug them when they're busy, because YOU do it to yours. ""

No American Dream.. In fact I do not. He's often in meetings so I would never do that.

Also also I Never said I called my DH when he's busy. So where did you get this from?

and I also said that I could see how the calls would be annoying for OP when she is busy.

Take your anger out on someone else and stop making things up about people you don't know.

[BlackCatSleeping]

Op, what I do is I just hang up my washing in the evening before I go to bed. Strictly against MN protocol of it not getting darked on, but it saves me a job in the morning. You can have an extra 5 minutes to MN and enjoy your morning tea.

[teraculum29]

He sound needy and attention seeking, and the facebook thing would be a no no from me.
And it's sounds that he might be one of those guys that would be jealous of the attention you are giving to children. I might be wrong.....

[TowelNumber42]

Going back to your original post

We have spoken about this before and he says well I just wanted to hear your voice.
So you have told him already to stop it and why. His response was to bleat that he doesn't want to stop, for purely selfish reasons.

Today he rang and I was a bit short with him and I think he is offended.
Cheeky fucker alert. He should have apologised for doing the thing you already told him not to do. He should be sending you a big bunch of flowers as an apology. Not getting the hump! He was the one firmly in the wrong. Have you had a good apology from him? Or have you been getting the sulks?

So AIBU to tell him not to call me in the morning?
You already did that. How nicely you tell him you really really mean it would depend on how good his apology has been for this thoughtlessness over the phone calls still being made after you requested him to stop and explained how inconvenient it is for you.

If he cares about your feelings he will be making amends. You won't need to tell him again.

If he only cares about himself then he'll get the hump, keep calling, and you'll see you are skipping down the yellow brick road to another abusive relationship.

What happens next should make it clear

[cuppycakey]

YANBU - this would piss me off.

I would just tell him you won't be answering. Then do it.

[bumblingbovine49]

That would dive me absolutely insane as would the amount of contact in the evenings. A couple of texts in the day plus a chat every/ every other day is more than enough for me.!!!

[TowelNumber42]

I am glad you've decided not to answer.

I would take it further: don't jump to his tune so much. Be less available. It seems like everything is built around what's convenient for him.

You are already making excuses for rather a lot of red flags. That he even tried sulking is bad. Ignoring what you said about the morning calls is bad. The concept of "needy". I mean think about that word for a minute. In my experience needy behaviours can equally be described as selfish.

Be more selfish yourself. You see what a man is truly like when you say No. Say no more.

[MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah]

Crikey op, either face-time and let him see how inconsiderate he's being or just tell him to put the tv on for 10 minutes. Or go down to breakfast earlier. Or get up later. It would drive me mad.

[Vulpine]

Op - it's not the noise I was wondering about, it's leaving the washing wet for hours - doesn't it smell? If it doesn't then it's a good idea I might implement!

[BlackCatSleeping]

But that's my point, the article was purely about how amazing the lunches are, not goodness me a man actually does some parenting, all bow down to him. He doesn't actually seek praise for what he's doing and hasn't called his blog something like "Isn't daddy amazing?". The whole point of what I'm saying is that here's a guy whose response to his wife struggling while he's at work is to step up and do more and it's a shame that more men don't feel the same way. The packed lunches have become like a hobby of his, that's the only reason he blogs about them.

Actually, the sentiments I expressed are all sentiments that have been expressed on this thread. Someone actually implied that the problem is the OP's parenting in the morning, loads of people have suggested she puts him on speakerphone. It's bizarre, she already speaks to him plenty. She's busy. It's absolutely fine to say, it's not a good time. Women don't have to constantly put themselves at the bottom of the heap all the time.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Shitbags might do those things, decent people wouldn't.

It shows extremely low standards, poor life experiences, or negative patterns of thought to consider such reactions normal.

My claim, which I stand by, is that negativity about men is to be found on the side of such low expectations, whereas positivity about people, their behaviour and potential, is on the side of expecting decent behaviour as the norm.

Whereas pp seemd to be arguing from a position of expecting the worst from men and fathers as 'neutral' so any nice act as something positive.

[Absurditi]

why would anyone do either of things, or think that anyone else would do either of those things?*
course people do those things!!! how could you think they don't exist.

[lottiegarbanzo]

But yes, getting up early and doing lovely lunches is quite sweet and a bit 'over and above'.

It's just the seeking praise through public recognition that rings a little 'here we go again' bell. I know from experience that blogging and the like quickly becomes a real commitment that has to be accommodated and worked around (can be fitted in to one's existing leisure time, can easily start to encroach on other things).

[lottiegarbanzo]

I'm sure the blog is lovely (and maybe even helpful to others) but it fits very neatly into a recognisable pattern of behaviour whereby some men want and seek 'praise' for 'helping' domestically, instead of just mucking in and accepting tedious, repetitive tasks as part of their lot as an adult and parent.

I feel positive about everyone, their abilities and maturity, in as much as I expect decent standards of behaviour from all adults.

Someone would have to have extraordinarily negative ideas and expectations to think that a normal reaction to seeing your wife experiencing an everyday stressy morning routine would be:

To blame the wife for being a shit mum who wasn't in control of the kids in the morning.

Or Think of ways he could make things more stressful by placing more demands on his wife.

Why would anyone do either of things, or think that anyone else would do either of those things? That would be negative - and quite derogatory towards someone who is presumably, a decent grown-up.