AIBU - Morning Phone call

[MrsNacho]

My DP works away. In the morning he gets up in his hotel, has a shower, throws on his work gear and then rings me.

It drives me mad!!

In the morning I get up, sort out the wet washing in the machine, have a shower, start calling the kids, dry my hair, call the kids some more, cajole the youngest into getting dressed, clean my teeth, feed the animals, lose my temper at the teen, finally get him up, supervise his medication and carb count his breakfast, do my face, remind everyone to get everything several times, referee the endless bickering...

so basically a good morning chat is the very last thing that I need. Then I am driving, dropping two kids at breakfast club, the teen near his school and getting to work hopefully on time. I am a new driver so even if I remembered to ring him on hands free before we left, I don't want the distraction.

We have spoken about this before and he says well I just wanted to hear your voice.

Today he rang and I was a bit short with him and I think he is offended.

So AIBU to tell him not to call me in the morning?

[MrsNacho]

I can put him on speakerphone but then I would get the dreaded "I never get your full attention" which is true, he rarely does get my full attention, because he rings me at stupid times when my full attention is needed elsewhere.

I don't know what he expects when he knows I have 3 children. I do think he has a point about the dog though who is also very needy and always tries to sit on my knee when DP arrives.

[livefornaps]

I hate it when I make clear when calls/messages are not convenient and that person persists.

It would really get my goat if this was then dressed up as "I just wanna hear your vooooooiiiice"

Would I be appreciative/grateful/find it endearing?

Aaawwwhhh heeeelll noooo

[PregnantSea]

My DH used to do this on his drive home from work in the evenings. It was very sweet that he was so keen to speak to me but it coincided with me having just arrived home from work. He left for work after me and used to make a proper breakfast in the mornings and left the kitchen in an absolute state. So I'd get in from work, be desperate for a pee and a glass of water after a long commute, be faced with washing up and a kitchen to clean, there would be washing to move over, and then I'd need to get dinner started if we wanted to eat before 10pm. Instead I'd get a call from him that would go on for his whole commute. He had to call the house phone too because the signal was bad and it was a corded phone so it meant I was stuck on the sofa. I asked him repeatedly not to do this and every time he was hurt by it. He kept doing it. In the end I stopped answering. It's the only suggestion I have for dealing with this lol.

[NicoAndTheNiners]

Blimey, he sounds very needy.

Dh knows better than to talk to me in the mornings and we're in the same room! I would lose my shit over ten minute daily phone calls!

[AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo]

This reminds me of the 'dh working from home' thread. It seems that in both there's a man putting what he wants from the OP first and ignoring (even relishing?) the impact on her (because he would like her revolving around him), and some posters are essentially advising the OP to keep the peace by 'just' making him lunch/getting up 10 mins earlier/whatever. And there's the implication that she should be grateful.
People wondering why women put up with shit in relationships - part of the answer is there's a lot of pressure to, because women are trained to make a million tiny accommodations that soon add up to their needs being firmly at the bottom, and discouraged from seeing the bigger picture.

YANBU, OP.

[MrsNacho]

@howmanybiscuits your post resonates with me, I have had abusive relationships in the past and completed the freedom program. I don't think he is like those men but I do see your point totally.

I do say no to him and he does accept it, there was sulking at first but he realized it wouldn't wash. he is much better now other than he just doesn't seem to accept that I am busier than he is. I may be his whole entire world but he is just a part of mine and that's the way it is.

One of the reasons I second guess myself so much is because of past relationships I have put up so many walls and tend to over analyse every little thing looking for signs of abuse and find it hard to compromise for fear of giving up my boundaries.

Not sure that makes sense?

Anyway that is kind of taking the thread down a rabbit hole. I really don't think he is abusive, just insecure, needy and a big soppy romantic.

[AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo]

I do think, on reflection, that the fact that he keeps calling when you are at your busiest with the children is sending a message about where he wants/expects your priorities to be. That would worry me.

[lottiegarbanzo]

So tell him that! Your full attention is available at X time, you'll speak then. In the meantime, you're busy.

He sounds naive at best about life with children. Probably too immature and selfish to be a suitable partner to someone with three kids. Or maybe not... but the onus is on him to prove his suitability.

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

Just don't answer the phone

[lottiegarbanzo]

Soppy romantic = in love with a fictionalised idea of love, not with another person. It's a very immature state of mind.

[Seaweed42]

Yes he's needy and insecure so has to keep checking you are still there every morning.
Before you move in together have him stay over during the week so you can see what happens on a normal day.
And what a great way to get your attention than to interrupt you and call you when the 'Competition' (your kids) are getting attention from you. If he's a need freak he's going to take any attempt by you to be separate as a rejection.
Start any comment of with (1) approval of his values then (2) make your point. This format actually works in a lot of situations.
So 'I know connecting is important to you and it's important for me too, but 7.25am is just a really bad time as I am running out the door'.

[MrsNacho]

@Seaweed42 that is actually excellent advice. I will try to bear that in mind, not just with DP but it is a good way to communicate in general.

[DayAtTheRaces]

My husband was at the World Trade Center in New York City on September 11, 2001 - thank God that he didn’t perish on that dreadful day.

So many widows/widowers/partners never had a morning greeting before the work day started and it still grieves them to this day.

Just saying.....

[AthelstaneTheUnready]

He's competing with the dog?!

[MrsNacho]

@DayAtTheRaces My mum died when I was 10 years old, so many lucky children get to give their mum a gift next Sunday.....

[TBDO]

As a single parent, this would annoy me a lot. He should be wanting to make your life easier, not causing you enough angst that you have to post on MN about it.

I’d tell him clearly that morning calls don’t work when you have three DC and you need to focus on getting them AND you up and out of the house on time. Evening calls once youngest in bed all fine etc.

I’d be very wary about moving in with him - if he can’t get that as a mum if 3, your time is split lots of ways and very precious, I think he has potential to get jealous of the time you spend on your DC and making the household run.

Also as a single parent - no way would I be going round to someone else’s house to do their housework, make it seem nice etc. I have enough going on in my life and I’d be focusing on my DC and my household.

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

@DayAtTheRaces what an utterly insensitive post!

[howmanybiscuits]

DayAtTheRaces

WTF?!! What kind of random emotional blackmail is that?

JFC that's low.

[ApolloandDaphne]

My DH works away a lot. Our routine is for me to message him when wake up as i know he is always awake before me. We have a short text chat but no call as he knows i don't really enjoy chatting on the phone and especially not in the morning. If we want to chat we do it later when he is in his hotel and i am just relaxing at home. We always message first to check it is a good time for a call. We respect that, for whatever reason, the other person might not want to chat. I guess what i am saying is that we each listen to what the other wants and prefers and it works perfectly. If your OH isn't listening then he is not being very respectful of your wishes and needs.

[poobumwee]

YANBU the last thing i have time for in the morning is chatting to someone. too much to juggle
don't answer the phone if he rings-bit whizz him a text to let him know all ok, but you are up against it etc

[birdsdestiny]

He sounds highly unpleasant. Most women would not want this. Ignoring your feelings, whining because he doesn't get your full attention when you are with your children. Sorry but the amount of time he wants to speak to you sounds controlling not romantic. I would be really careful before moving in with this man.

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

I just wondered if I have become too set in my ways and I should be grateful that he is the romantic type.

Why should you be grateful for something that makes your life more stressful?

we have never lived together so I am not sure how weekday mornings will be when we do.

He sounds needy and demanding. Think twice before you commit to living together. He's already putting himself before you and your children and you're already finding it hard to make him stop. He's chosen to be involved with a busy Mum, he should respect that and certainly not expect you to be permanently on tap for him.

You need to set boundaries. He does a lot of encroaching already. And if he is needy it's not necessarily the case that putting yourself out for him will satisfy his needs. Fine if it does work that way, but be aware that you giving him what he craves may just make him demand more. And more.

A good boundary will be, no you will not speak to him in the morning when it is so inconvenient for you. You talk when it's convenient for both of you. Not just him. If he gets arsey when you make reasonable demands for your own space and space for your children then that tells you something very important about him.

And if you have been in abusive relationships before then you do need to be aware that some abusive relationships can out start this way. Terribly warm and loving and romantic. But also demanding and stifling. And when you need space to lead your own life, or to care for your children, then they don't get the constant reassurance of your attention and you aren't putting them first every minute of the day - then some people get nasty. Cold and rejecting, or worse. I'm not saying that's necessarily what's going on but keep it in mind.

[Plurabelle]

My husband was at the World Trade Center in New York City on September 11, 2001 - thank God that he didn’t perish on that dreadful day.

So many widows/widowers/partners never had a morning greeting before the work day started and it still grieves them to this day.

I don't think if your partner is killed in a terrorist attack you think 'That's okay they rang me a few hours back to say, 'Good morning darling'

It's irrelevant to the situation of a couple that live apart and are in a relatively new and uncommitted relationship.

It's vile emotional blackmail.