AIBU - Morning Phone call

[MrsNacho]

My DP works away. In the morning he gets up in his hotel, has a shower, throws on his work gear and then rings me.

It drives me mad!!

In the morning I get up, sort out the wet washing in the machine, have a shower, start calling the kids, dry my hair, call the kids some more, cajole the youngest into getting dressed, clean my teeth, feed the animals, lose my temper at the teen, finally get him up, supervise his medication and carb count his breakfast, do my face, remind everyone to get everything several times, referee the endless bickering...

so basically a good morning chat is the very last thing that I need. Then I am driving, dropping two kids at breakfast club, the teen near his school and getting to work hopefully on time. I am a new driver so even if I remembered to ring him on hands free before we left, I don't want the distraction.

We have spoken about this before and he says well I just wanted to hear your voice.

Today he rang and I was a bit short with him and I think he is offended.

So AIBU to tell him not to call me in the morning?

[mondaylisasmile]

it must be like having an extra child to deal with exactly, or like something to tick off your morning to do list. a chore!

as if the OP hasn't got enough on her plate with kids, work, commute.

[Namechange8471]

DONT ANSWER THE PHONE!

[americandream]

That is a bit much tbh. My DH used to work nights, (15-ish years back,) and he would come home at 7 to 7.10am and stay up til 9am. I would get up at 7.15-7.20am, and be busy and frazzled trying to get the kids ready for school, (and get ready for work myself,) and he would just sit there yapping, and telling me all about his night, and his drive home, and what went on at work etc etc.

I just wanted him to STFU and go to bed. He only went to bed when I left the house! He never helped me with anything either, as he had been at work for 8 hours and needed to 'unwind.' (Never mind that I had 8 hours work ahead of me, on top of all the pre-school hours stress!) I was SO glad when the place that he worked at closed down, and he moved somewhere else where he did days!

I think some men are just clueless about how busy a mum's pre-school morning is!

YANBU. there has to be another time he can call FGS!

@burritofan

As for the "you don't know how lucky you have it" comments...

Yeah they are boiling my piss too! Comments like this, and 'do you know how many women would love to have your 'problem?'

WTAF?!

Patronising, judgemental, and dismissive much?!

[americandream]

I agree with the poster who said 'don't answer the phone.'

Just don't!

[blackteaplease]

Why should she sacrifice sleep for so much contact? What's wrong with a quick good morning text and then a chat later.

OP I would find this level of contact suffocating

[AdvancedAvoider]

Can you set aside time at weekends to REALLY focus and give him attention. Hard with a family life I know but it might help his neediness.

Why? Why does the Op need to do this. Relationships shouldn't be this hard.

If I were in a newish relationship and it turned out he was really needy, then I'd end the relationship. I'm not investing all my energy in to entertaining a mans neediness.

[OffToBedhampton]

An ex DP used to ring me about time I got home from work and after-school clubs/nursery whilst I cooked tea & ran around. I used to put it on speaker phone on the side as "honey I'm cooking and midst homework/baths, it's not a great time"
My youngest DC would inannely chatter to him as "mummy is busy with (other children names). It'd work equally well in morning rush especially as you'll likely forget he is on phone and disappear into hallway..
My (nice romantic) XP soon learnt to text me to let him know when I was free to natter. 😂😆 Dose of reality should fix it !!

[notacooldad]

MrsNacho I'm sorry to have so many spelling errors but glad you got the jist of my post.
My eyesight is failing and it seemed to make sense when I posted!!
( must go back to Soecsavers!!)

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Tell him you won’t be answering anymore. He’ll soon stop ringing.

[LeesPostersAreInFrames]

I'm in the tell him firmly and stop answering the phone in the mornings camp. I'd happily send a good morning text. I know we all never really know until we've walked in others' shoes, but I can't imagine having this problem because I simply would not allow it to be a problem. Don't answer the phone. Call him when it works for (both of) you.

[TwoleftUggs]

YANBU. my DH does the exact same thing and it drives me mad. When he’s home we share the morning chaos of family, pets, school etc, and it’s not too bad for either of us. He just doesn’t seem to realise that while he’s got up, showered and had his breakfast made, Ive had his share of morning chaos to shoulder on top of my own!

[livefornaps]

Block his number & leave the country

[MrsNacho]

I can see it is quite a divisive topic so plenty of people understand where he is coming from, equally plenty are with me and the get where I am coming from.

That makes me feel better, its neither of us are wrong, we just have a different approach to things.

I do miss him, I do think the world of him and its not that I don't want to chat at all, just be a bit more considerate of when!

I feel bad that I never ring him, he always calls me or messages me first but actually I don't have the chance, hes always pipped me to the post.

[lottiegarbanzo]

I don't get the 'envy' comments at all. Sure, there's the 'romantic early part of a relationship' thing but, there are DCs and a busy household involved here, that need to be accommodated - nicely, by someone who wants to include them, respect their mother's role as a parent and make things work.

For me:

A partner who goes away for work for many days and doesn't want to be in touch at all = shit partner.

A partner who goes away and wants constant contact / reassurance / to keep tabs (how the hell does anyone get any work done?) = shit partner.

A partner who goes away, discusses what time of day is best for a call, reaches an agreement, which may be easy, or involve a bit of compromise on both sides, and sticks to that, plus maybe the occasional text = nice, normal partner.

I think that, if I were devising top tips for a successful relationship, one of them would be 'tendency to believe the other person, when speaking about their own experience, even if they themselves have never experienced such a thing and don't really 'get it''.

That is, belief comes first, understanding ('getting it') second, in an effort to understand or, never, because they are different people and don't have the same experiences or feelings but still respect the other person and their feelings as real and valid.

[Hanab]

To all of you having an issue what I said .. read some of the other posts on this forum about women feeling that their OH don’t bother to keep in contact the suspicion the pain the anger etc .. Each to their own..

And reading back I missed that OH is a newish partner .. Maybe he is full on .. perhaps more into you than you are to him 🤷🏻‍♀️ Only you OP now what will work for you .. if he is over stepping you should let him know . Best wishes 🌷

[gokartdillydilly]

Don't answer the phone. Job done.

[Plurabelle]

I think modern technology has made things a lot worse. Women in particular seem to be tracked and controlled by men - though obviously women may also send lots of messages, feel insecure re replies.

I don't find exchanging trivia via phone very interesting especially when there is so much to be done. I think it is a lot better if people can wait until there is some quality time. Though sending quick messages about stuff that's amusing or interesting is a way of keeping the lines of communication open.

[notacooldad]

I disagree with your last post OP. I don't thing. The Thread isn't that divisive. Most people are saying he needs to stop being needy, understand it's not a good time for you and respect that. There are only a few people that think you should be like aStepford wife and keep your man happy and be grateful ( unbelievable!!) despite how inconvenient it is for you.

Some people may think he is a selfish twat for persisting on doing this despite knowing how much you are rushing round. I can't comment on that but after I ask someone not to do something and they continue and they know it makes me unhappy I wouldn't care if they were offended as you have suggested your boyfriend is in your first post.

[Halo84]

10 minutes at the beginning of your day is not being a “Stepford wife”. But my view has changed knowing they are in a new relationship and unmarried.

[livefornaps]

Yesssssss @notacooldad, you get it.

The DH sounds like an arse.

[notacooldad]

To all of you having an issue what I said .. read some of the other posts on this forum about women feeling that their OH don’t bother to keep in contact the suspicion the pain the anger etc .. Each to their own.

Hanab you are missing the point. He is overriding the wishes of the OP. She hasn't said that she doesn't want contact from him, just that first thing in the morning is not a good time and yet he continues. That is not a good caring boyfriend but someone who is disregarding what the OP wants and doing exactly as he wishes regardless. Nobody would want to boyfriend disrespected by their boyfriend like that surely!

[EarlyWarning]

Just put him on speakerphone "thought you'd like to hear all of our voices, darling" and then he can appreciate what's really going on

[burritofan]

@livefornaps

read some of the other posts on this forum about women feeling that their OH don’t bother to keep in contact the suspicion the pain the anger etc
But ultimately it's the same thing! In those other posts, women want something from their partners that their partners refuse to give. In this post, the OP wants something from her partner – for him not to add to the morning stress/chaos – and he's refusing to give it, with a side of emotional manipulation ("I just want to hear your voice").

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

Just don't answer the phone

[howmanybiscuits]

I can see it is quite a divisive topic so plenty of people understand where he is coming from, equally plenty are with me and the get where I am coming from.

That makes me feel better, its neither of us are wrong, we just have a different approach to things

I'm not sure this is true. Plenty of people don't recognise this as a red flag for controlling / needy behaviour. Doesn't mean it isn't.

Sorry if I sound like I'm being harsh, but I used to be like you. I wanted to see the best in everyone and I was so bloody considerate even when men were trampling all over my boundaries. I didn't realise this was happening.

This man is not respecting your boundaries. It may feel like a small thing, but this is how it starts. It's too soon to tell if he's just a bit too needy / doesn't have any respect for your feelings / is a massive controlling wanker.

I've thought long and hard about how I attract controlling arseholes (or used to) and one of the main reasons was because I didn't recognise the signs or have enough of a self preservation instinct. I was too bloody nice, I tried to rationalise them trampling over my boundaries instead of asserting them. It wasn't so much that I was attracting controlling men, it was that other women more wise to this would have defended their boundaries and - on finding he didn't respect them - have left the relationship long before I got to the point of even realising something was up.

You are being too nice about this. He may not be a controlling arsehole - but just because he's nice to you, it doesn't mean he isn't.

Have you ever said no to him about anything?