AIBU - Morning Phone call

[MrsNacho]

My DP works away. In the morning he gets up in his hotel, has a shower, throws on his work gear and then rings me.

It drives me mad!!

In the morning I get up, sort out the wet washing in the machine, have a shower, start calling the kids, dry my hair, call the kids some more, cajole the youngest into getting dressed, clean my teeth, feed the animals, lose my temper at the teen, finally get him up, supervise his medication and carb count his breakfast, do my face, remind everyone to get everything several times, referee the endless bickering...

so basically a good morning chat is the very last thing that I need. Then I am driving, dropping two kids at breakfast club, the teen near his school and getting to work hopefully on time. I am a new driver so even if I remembered to ring him on hands free before we left, I don't want the distraction.

We have spoken about this before and he says well I just wanted to hear your voice.

Today he rang and I was a bit short with him and I think he is offended.

So AIBU to tell him not to call me in the morning?

[Orangecookie]

I just wouldn’t answer.

[barbiegrl]

My husband goes away on business trips for a week or so at a time, we do call each other,but he knows that my phone is on do not disturb from 10pm until 7am. This means that it doesn't disturb me if he forgets,but that he can get hold of me in an emergency if he calls twice within 3 minutes

[MrsNacho]

I am not planning to move in with him any time soon. we have discussed it and I have made my feelings clear. we are talking years down the line. he accepts that.

[VirginiaWolfHall]

Just don’t answer the phone or tell him to stop being so needy! In fact, do both...

[americandream]

@DayAtTheRaces

Your post at 12.28 is a low blow.

[Goodenough06]

I have a similar living situation with my husband and children and also often feel like he rings me when he's bored etc...often when I am rushing around like a maniac or literally just sat down for a minutes peace and the last thing I want is to talk on the phone. You could try sending him a morning voice note before you get out of bed? just saying I love you, he gets to hear your voice you get to do your hectic routine without pressure / guilt. Or failing that, put him on video chat throughout the morning so he can visually witness the mayhem!

[SilkClayFlowers]

My mornings are insane. I’d just not answer the phone. What’s apps, emails etc aren’t even seen till after the school run.

[grumiosmum]

My DH travels a lot, and although my DC are older, he almost never calls us at a convenient time.

I try to be civil when he's interrupting me cooking dinner or whatever on the basis that he's away & missing home & it would be worse if he wasn't interested in the family at all, but sometimes it's hard.

[AcrossthePond55]

DH and I always contact each other for a few moments in the morning when we're apart. But we've evolved into the 'earlier riser' waiting for the 'later riser' to contact by text, usually one word ("Up?") then the other will call.

But it's a three minute conversation; Did you sleep well, what's doing today or have fun today, and love you. It only takes a moment but it can mean a lot when you're far apart.

[OffToBedhampton]

OP,I wouldn't get carried away on either side, as aibu threads do tend to get people riled in your behalf, (often reasonably so!).

Let him hear how busy you are when he calls by putting phone on speaker if he imsists on calling at bad times- and if he moans he isn't getting your full attention then your reply is, "no one has my full attention then I have (x number) of DC to get to school and if you want my full attention, you'd be better not to ring when my DC need me most" as at that point & many other busy times in the day, his feelz are not more important than DC or you

YANBU to say 'I too need to get organised, dressed, fed and so do DC, and I need to make sure I have all my stuff ready for work and their school day. So Darling it's a poor timing issue on your part, not a 'do I care?' issue". "

Dayatraces made an emotional point. But no one can live their lives thinking 'if I don't stop everything and make all of us stressed and late, in order to whisper sweet nothings for 10mins every morning as well as several times a day to my DP, then he might be killed in a terrorist attack before 9am before I get a chance to talk to him again'. Or even at 5pm! Who could live their life like that?!

[7salmonswimming]

I’d be most concerned that I’d told my partner that xyz that they do bothers or inconveniences me, and they ignored it and carried on regardless.

I can’t see how I would put up with that.

[flumpybear]

Pass the phone over to the kids and tell him to tell them to get ready 🤪

[OffToBedhampton]

@flumpybear. 😂😂😂
Genius idea, then OP can get into shower and have a lovely restful getting ready morning like DP has had! 😆😆. Maybe text him a list of things that need to be asked and organised for the morning so he can join in!! 🤣

[3timeslucky]

YANBU

My dh travels regularly for work (different time zones). He'll text and ask "When's good to call?" and depending on what's going on I give him various windows. We've been doing this for almost 14 years and it works. I would assume there was an emergency if he rang during the morning routine.

While it is arguably touching that he wants to hear your voice, it is also inconsiderate and self-centred not to consider how you feel.

If he won't adapt his behaviour I just wouldn't pick up and would text later saying "Sorry I couldn't pick-up. Things were manic. Looking forward to talking to you later/this evening/during lunch". Repeat til he cops on!

[Hidingtonothing]

Agree with 7salmons, it's the refusal to listen to/accept your reasons for not wanting him to call I would be bothered by. I think I'd tell him once more it doesn't work for you and then just stop answering the call, sounds like he won't get the message unless you hammer it home. But I would be a bit concerned (and on the alert for future examples) by his seeming belief that his wants/needs trump yours.

[notacooldad]

The phone call is a bit of a mute point I think.
It doesn't matter if it is a phone call or something else.
I think the point is the OP has asked her boyfriend not to do something and explained why it is a problem.
The boyfriend is riding roughshod over her wishes making things difficult- that is the issue. Despite stating why his behaviour in the morning is no good to the OP he is turning it on her and making it about him. To me it is ( currently ) dressed up low level bullying and cohesive behaviour. He is making the op do what he wants. Quite frankly that is appalling.

[lelrx]

My husband rings me loads throughout the day as he doesn't like to text, I get so annoyed because he doesn't need to call me about anything in particular but he rings anyway to tell me he misses me. Having said that I think I would miss it if he never and it doesn't do any harm, if I'm busy I won't answer and I will call him back later. It is sweet that he wants to hear your voice but unfortunately it's very difficult when you have 101 other things that take priority, just tell him you will call him back when you have a spare 5 minutes

[Honeyroar]

I work away. I wouldn't dream of ringing my husband at a time I knew he was in the middle of something. It's just selfish! Personally I'd just stop answering and send a quick "speak to you later" text. I'm a step mum, when I met my husband I knew his life had to revolve around his young son, it's the same for your boyfriend. He really ought to understand if he's a parent himself. If he's complaining that he's competing for attention I'd tell him I loved him, but we're getting increasingly fed up of him considering your children as competition. Tell him he's in a relationship with a busy single mum who can't always drop everything and if he can't cope with that perhaps he'd be better looking for someone with no children.

[Dulra]

Don't answer and call him back at a time that suits you. I assume you have an answering service on your phone so he can leave a message if it's urgent. I never understand why people always feel the need to answer their phones no matter how inconvenient it is for them.

[BlackCatSleeping]

DayAtTheRaces

WTF?!! What kind of random emotional blackmail is that?

JFC that's low.

Completely agree. What a shitty thing to post.

Just don't answer the phone. If he complains, just say mornings are manic and you don't have time to speak. Don't put him on speakerphone as you will still be distracted and stressed.

I think you should be wary of this relationship though. There are a lot of red flags here.

[Yabbers]

Tell him again it's inconvenient and you won't be picking up the phone any more. Tell him call him when convenient for you.

Can't believe people are suggested you wake up earlier. Bloody ridiculous suggestion.

Put your foot down and if he doesn't like it, he's not for you.

[oneforthepain]

I think I might have suffocated by now if I were you.

But I would be a bit concerned (and on the alert for future examples) by his seeming belief that his wants/needs trump yours.

Remember, just because he spins it as being about love and missing you etc rather than being blatantly cruel does not mean his intentions are good.

You do come across as struggling with boundaries and not valuing your own needs enough to be assertive and protect them - you're quite focused on appeasing him, blaming yourself for anything he does that makes you feel uncomfortable, and trying to be grateful he's not a total bastard.

Do you still have your book from the Freedom Programme? I mean this kindly, but you might benefit from revisiting it or repeating the course with a focus on the parts about understanding early warning signs. It's common to repeat it - I did. The first time it was so overwhelming I didn't take a lot of it in, but the second time it clicked and I felt confident I could read warning signs accurately (not over reading like you describe worrying about before, or under reading).

It sounds like you're still working quite hard to dismiss and explain away your own instincts, which is a natural result of having been through abuse but is a bit of a risky position to be in now.

The over the top proclamations of love are not normal or romantic, and stifling people is the kind of thing that popular culture might portray as care when it's really control.

What this level of contact means is that you're constantly on demand for him - in ways that do not suit you but that you have not felt able to stop without being made to feel guilty or being ignored. That is the worrying part - that your needs are ignored and he manipulates you. It would be different if it was mutually agreed, mutually beneficial, and he respected you and listened to you.

Positioning it as you never being able to be right - so you're in contact from the moment you wake up until you go to bed, despite it being inconvenient, and then he's still complaining about you not giving him the level of attention he wants?! He has your attention all day long! Good grief!

I get the thing about getting milk ready for him, that's nice, and wanting to show him gestures is lovely too, but it sounds like it's at a level where you're acting as his housekeeper during the week? Which is a little odd when combined with him snapping his fingers at you for undivided attention at his beck and call.

Just because somebody isn't cruel to you, does not mean the relationship is healthy or that you need to override your own discomfort. Charming people can be toxic too.

[couchparsnip]

He is very vocal about his love for me, where as I am more reserved. For example he posts all over social media how much he adores me and I just think that is for everyone else's benefit

Keep an eye on this. He could be love bombing.

I would tell him it's not convenient and you won't be picking up the phone in the morning any more. If you're not willing to do this then you maybe need to look at why that is.

[chocatoo]

I take the approach that I would rather have my husband 'phone me than to seek a friendly face to chat to elsewhere...I just pop him onto speaker phone and carry on with the jobs in hand.

[MrsNacho]

@chocatoo if I have to put myself out to stop him from straying then I don't want him.

I am going to take the advice above and just stop answering and tell him why when he asks. I can't be doing with a relationship that has me second guessing myself.