AIBU - Morning Phone call

[MrsNacho]

My DP works away. In the morning he gets up in his hotel, has a shower, throws on his work gear and then rings me.

It drives me mad!!

In the morning I get up, sort out the wet washing in the machine, have a shower, start calling the kids, dry my hair, call the kids some more, cajole the youngest into getting dressed, clean my teeth, feed the animals, lose my temper at the teen, finally get him up, supervise his medication and carb count his breakfast, do my face, remind everyone to get everything several times, referee the endless bickering...

so basically a good morning chat is the very last thing that I need. Then I am driving, dropping two kids at breakfast club, the teen near his school and getting to work hopefully on time. I am a new driver so even if I remembered to ring him on hands free before we left, I don't want the distraction.

We have spoken about this before and he says well I just wanted to hear your voice.

Today he rang and I was a bit short with him and I think he is offended.

So AIBU to tell him not to call me in the morning?

[howmanybiscuits]

I just wondered if I have become too set in my ways and I should be grateful that he is the romantic type

No. You are doing what women do. Men don't do this, generally.

You have made a perfectly reasonable request. He has ignored your reasonable request and put his needs first. Instead of becoming more insistent, you are now doubting yourself and wondering if it's you at fault here.

It's not you at fault.

Say you liked to call your DP after the school run, and he said to you - I'm sorry. I love hearing from you, but calling then is really inconvenient for me as I'm just so bust at that time of day - what would you do?

Would you carry on calling him at that time? Tell him that you just want to hear his voice? Would you expect him to start doubting himself and worrying if it he was stuck in his ways?

No. You'd simply stop calling him at that time because you're a reasonable adult and would have more self respect than to come across like a needy arsehole!

He is creating this problem.

It may be that he's just being a little thoughtless and he needs to be encouraged to think about this, and everything will be fine once he has.

Or it may be that he's the kind of man who doesn't think your feelings matter. Who's charming and lovely so you think they couldn't possibly mean it - but if you look at their actions, you'll see they don't like you standing up for yourself, or denying him what he wants. It could be a huge red flag.

[howmanybiscuits]

How do you feel about being in contact all afternoon and evening?

My controlling ex did this. I though it was sweet to, for quite a long time in fact. Until I realised it wasn't.

[MrsNacho]

I was thinking this must be what couples do. I have never had a working away relationship before.

He is very vocal about his love for me, where as I am more reserved. For example he posts all over social media how much he adores me and I just think that is for everyone else's benefit.

I prefer to be show him I love him by popping round to his through the week, make sure he has fresh milk for a brew when he gets home. Do bits of housework so his time is freed up to spend together. Make the place smell nice etc. All things that show I do miss him through the week but between us rather than the public.

[mondaylisasmile]

Do you know how many women would love to have your problem?

I cannot believe I've just read this. So the OP should accept a new relationship where the new partner has been told her mornings are manic, but since it's what he wants, his wants get to override and contribute to her stress levels?

OP, i have no idea how you manage all of that - i got stressed just reading about your morning.

Stop letting this new partner dictate what happens - just put your phone on silent.

TBH i'd also find the constant communication suffocating, how on earth do you get any work done?
How does your employer deal with someone constantly in comms with their partner like that?
I mean, you only work until 2.30pm and talk to him so frequently i've no idea how you manage the kids, pets and the job and him in a normal day.

Apart from anything, if you're driving, you would be best putting your phone on silent or making it clear you only pick up (on hands free) if there's emergencies.. you need to be concentrating on the ROAD ffs.

How would he cope if he was dating someone who was a police officer and had to leave their personal mobile in a secure locker every day for (gosh!) hours at a time?
What about GPs who have patient consults - would he expect you to do all of this on top?
What about if you worked somewhere like a call centre dealing with sensitive customer data so aren't even allowed private phones on the call floor?

I mean, his expectations are just beyond normal. And he's not respecting your boundaries even when you've told him what impact he's having. Either he didn't understand or he doesn't care.

Personally I'd make it absolutely clear ("from tomorrow, my phone's on silent whilst driving, if it's an emergency call the work switchboard, no phone calls in the morning, i'll speak to you when i have time"),... and if he still continues to put his needs above your safety/stress, i'd get rid, because he clearly doesn't give a hoot.

It's too new a relationship to be having battles like this nonsense, it really is.

[Plurabelle]

Look, this is sounding a bit nauseating.

You're a busy person with a job. Why are you skivvying around for somebody who isn't helping you out with your home and your family.

I think love is about mutual respect. Back in the day phonecalls were expensive and for passing on vital information.. People didn't keep checking in to proclaim their love or message people every day. They might miss each other but they'd focus on catching up when they got home.

I think if you do love each other you don't keep having to 'prove it'. That's perfomance - not the real thing.

[cocodash]

i can see both sides.

On one hand many woman in your positon would LOVE for their partner to want to speak to them each morning if they werent at home. its a nice thing to hear and nice way to know your loved.

Would you be bothered if he didnt make an effort to phone and didnt want to chat to you?

Like a PP said, i personally would be upset and hurt if i thought my partner didnt want to speak to me in the morning while i worked away.

me and DH get up 15 min earlier when either of us is working away and facetime.

[MrsNacho]

@Ohyesiam I don't mind so much in the evenings, I do sometimes feel that I could live with a bit less, when I am doing dinner, home work, watching a film with the kids, walking the dog. But I am just quite a busy person and not a people person as such.

I do really like him though and he is a bit needy so I try to bear that in mind.

[Neighneigh]

My dh likes to call for a chat when he's driving home, which coincides with me making the kids tea and said kids also getting grumpy & tired at the end of each day. It's lovely he wants to ring but a) he's home in half an hour and b) it's just awful timing. I've told him and he is a bit miffed but everyone is happier when he does get home, because they've been fed!! Just tell him op, it's really not a good time, can we chat in the day.

[Myheartbelongsto]

Honestly, 10 mins of sleep is nothing.

It's a very simple solution to your problem isn't it!

[howmanybiscuits]

me and DH get up 15 min earlier when either of us is working away and facetime

Fine if it's an occasional thing and you both want to. And it's something you both do.

The OP missing out on 15 minutes sleep every day as a matter of routine is not OK.

[Plurabelle]

Do the children like him? How is he with them?

[howmanybiscuits]

It's a very simple solution to your problem isn't it!

No, because her problem is not that she wants to find a way to talk to her DP in the mornings. The problem is that she already talks to her DP several times a day and he's not listening that this morning call is totally inconvenient.

[OffToBedhampton]

Either don't answer it (tbh I wouldn't hear my phone in morning when running around)

Or answer and put on speaker phone on the side in kitchen and let him hear how busy you all are going off - with full kettle & slamming of driesge, doors banging, chatter about who's had what breakfast, where's your brother, what's to go in your packed lunch , let me sign/where's your school books & gym kit etc ..going off and a "I'm right in middle of hectic morning school run stuff honey.. I can't walk around with a phone but you'll hear my busy & stressed voice 😆😆"

He'll soon learn it's not the quality romantic quick chat he's expecting...!

[Weepingwillow5]

When my OH is away the first thing we both do in the morning is send each other a text just saying morning . It takes seconds and the other party knows you survived the night 😏 We email throughout the day and he calls to talk to the kids at the end of their day and later to chat to me at an agreed time. Same time every night. He is the one in a hotel somewhere , who’d rather be at home , and I’m the one surrounded by home comforts - it’s not always convenient - but you make time . There are plenty of times where I’m multitasking with a phone sandwiched between my shoulder and my ear . On balance though it’s better to have a partner who wants to talk to you than one that doesn’t . We have a system that works for us . You as a couple need to find one that works for you.

[Alsbals]

Yes YABU. Do you know how many women would love to have your problem

Why do you think this?

I don’t think may women would actually - especially going by the responses on this thread.

Yes, it is sweet of him to want to hear the OP’s voice in the morning, but it’s also inconsiderate of him to call when the OP is up to her eyes in kids and chores.

Having to stop what you’re doing on a hectic morning to have a (probably) pointless conversation isn’t something that fills me with much joy at all

[notacooldad]

Tough one this. Sometimes you do have to put up with well meaning but pita behaviour for the good of your relationship
It's not a tough one at all. If he ring someone when it is convenient the Op will have more time to chat and have a nicer conversation. Who needs someone that doesn't try to understand your POV


If he just wants to hear your voice just let it go to voice mail!

Yes YABU. Do you know how many women would love to have your problem?. Is this a pisstake? A mum running round like a blue arse day fly on a school morning and a needy fella whining that ' he needs to hear her. Voice'. If I was in her shoes I'd tell him to grow the fuck up, stop being needy and ring up at a sensible time when we can have a lovely chat and catch u instead of giving me something else to deal with.

OP you have no idea how many ladies envy you right now .. to have OH actually says he misses your voice/you 🌷& to top it off calls you!.
Yawn, she also has an op who is not listening to her and putting his needs first. How attractive is that!

[MrsNacho]

The children like him well enough but he isn't hands on with them or anything. He comes out with us if we are going somewhere and he makes an effort to be nice to them but he's definitely Mum's boyfriend rather than step dad which is fine at this stage and I wouldn't want anything more at this point.

[OffToBedhampton]

*Fridge not driesge!! Autocorrect

(But if you have a driesge then get kids to slam it 😂)

[mondaylisasmile]

some on the advice here sounds like something from the 1970s... "my new partner occasionally hits me but tells me he loves me and gives me lots of attention..."
..." you should be grateful and put up with it if he says he loves you".


WTF?

OP has stated this doesn't work for her, new partner is continuing regardless... how is that a loving relationship?

It sounds controlling and suffocating.

[Plurabelle]

Perhaps one option is to call boyfriend up at work when he's busy. 'But darling, I wanted to hear your voice. I love you so much. Don't you love me too.' I am sure that will go down brilliantly

[Ohyesiam]

That makes sense op.
Can you set aside time at weekends to REALLY focus and give him attention. Hard with a family life I know but it might help his neediness. It did with me when I was young and needy( shortly before I became old and antisocial)

[howmanybiscuits]

Can I ask, of the people saying how lovely and sweet it is - if you wanted to call your DP at a certain time, and they said it wasn't convenient at that time and please could you call a bit later instead - would you ignore them and carry on calling at that time or move to their suggested alternative time?

If you'd change the time - then think about this - why is is acceptable for the OP's DP not to?

If you'd stick - why would you do that when someone has asked you not to?

[AnOwlCalledPlop]

Can you set aside time at weekends to REALLY focus and give him attention. Hard with a family life I know but it might help his neediness

Christ 🤦🏻‍♀️

[Drum2018]

Just don't answer the phone. I assume you speak to him in the evening or at night when kids are in bed. Tell him that's enough. Stop pandering to him by answering the phone and making your morning routine more hectic. As for getting up 10 mins earlier to chat to him - fuck that! That's just giving into his neediness. You say he's a bit needy - it must be like having an extra child to deal with. Not sure I'd find that attractive at all.

[MrsNacho]

@WeepingWillow5 that would be fine with me. It is literally the mornings I really could live without. The rest is ok. A few emails during work and then extra contact in the evenings I can cope with.

@notacooldad everything you are saying is what I feel. So glad its not just me!