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Original poster

Letting my daughter live alone at my house

86 replies

mintymurray · 22/03/2019 02:56

Hi All,
So i work away month Away in distant lands month in UK , my daughter who turns 16 next week has expressed an interest to live At my UK house full time, ( she does not get on with her Mum's partner ) She used to be very responsible but as of late is lacking responsibility ,
Anyway to sort this out i thought of letting her stay at my house whilst i am home for a month to monitor who she gets on, ( i spend 99% of my time at my GF house , yes the kids do come stay there lots)
has anybody experienced this before if so any ideas on how to go about it . I thought of setting a rules of dads house type of thing which if she breached any of the main security ones then it would be a all stop,

thanks for now Minty

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/03/2019 03:12

This would be a recipe for disaster.

happyhillock · 22/03/2019 03:18

I wouldn't let her live alone in the house at 16, agree with Aquamarine recipe for disaster.

ElizabethMainwaring · 22/03/2019 03:19

Hi. How are you going 'to monitor how she gets on'? It doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

Original poster
mintymurray · 22/03/2019 03:23

Hi All,
so i will be within the area and can pop in at any time, seeing as all my things are there so go back for clothes gear etc.
if 16 is too young at what age do you deem old enough, i left home at 16 and joined the british forces !

OP posts:
SD1978 · 22/03/2019 03:32

So she's rebelling against mums rules, you spend most of your time at your partners, and you figure you'll let her lose on her own. Yup. Can't see that imploding at all. If you were going to be mainly there too, that would be different but getting free range and responsibility at that age I do t see going well for a lot of kids. You joined the army where you were told what to do, when to eat, when to sleep and where. It's a pretty cosseted environment and not a fair comparison. Why has the relationship broken down with her mother? Could she move in with you and your partner or is that not offical as to living together?

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 22/03/2019 03:32

Your first sentence is unclear.
Basically when you come home from abroad, you will be staying at your gf’s and you want your daughter to stay at home nearby?

Depends how well you can monitor it. My first thought would be you’ll have hordes of teenagers descending on your house and trashing it.

purplepears · 22/03/2019 03:33

Why don't you live with her for the months you are back in the UK? Sounds like she needs support and comfort. She's only 16, she's your daughter and the time you spend with her now will sow the seeds of your future adult relationship.

sobeyondthehills · 22/03/2019 03:45

My partner's dad did this with him, but didn't have the choice of sending him back to his mum's.

Basically DP was responsible, but felt very abandoned by his father and really didn't speak to him and has fractured alot of his relationships with a lot of other people going forward

Original poster
mintymurray · 22/03/2019 03:51

Thanks again guys,

she used to stay with me when i was home, but refused to stay until she could by herself ! she is not rebelling against her mothers rules, her mum has no rules or boundries , I have asked her to stay at the GF house with us as she gets on with everybody but she is holding firm she wants her independence. And yes i am not officially living with my GF its just happened that way that i spend more time at hers , I thought about allowing her during the week but having to go to her mums or with me where i am at the weekend, I stay at the house with them on a Sunday and a Wednesday anyway so we have quality time, as it used to be quantity time and i ended up sitting by myself whilst they did there own thing, so now Sunday and Wednesday we DO things rather than sit on the internet , I would not be abandoning her .

OP posts:
PregnantSea · 22/03/2019 03:56

It depends on your daughter but probably not. I don't think many 16 yr Olds are ready to live alone, even the very responsible ones. You know your daughter best though.

weaseley · 22/03/2019 03:59

Everyone's telling you it's a terrible idea, but I have a feeling you're going to do it anyway. You were hoping we'd give you some confidence, but honestly, don't.

My parents left me alone at 16 because I begged them to and realistically they wanted to do their own thing and I gave them an out. I was scared and made terrible choices during that time. In retrospect, I think it was ridiculous of them to agree. I would never allow my children to be in the same position. I would never have admitted to them how ill equipped I was.

Original poster
mintymurray · 22/03/2019 04:05

Thank you @weaseley , did they just move you out or did stay in the house as well, I am not planning her being alone as i plan to stay at least one night in the week and one night on a Sunday , and plan for her not to be in the house on a weekend, so she can either be at a friends, her mums or wherever i am , i am still mulling this all over ! as she cannot stay at the minute as i have a coal fire that heats the back boiler to heat the house ! Gas heating coming soon,

OP posts:
Sanguineclamp · 22/03/2019 04:05

Nope! Not a good idea.

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 22/03/2019 04:09

As someone who had a bloody awful relationship with a step parent, I would have loved the chance of escaping that situation earlier than 18.
It comes down to the following:
How independent she is now - washing, tidying, cooking etc
How protected she is now - if with a bf, is she on the pill?
How savvy she is with regard to emergencies - stopcock, break-in etc would her Mum or your gf be an emergency contact?
Are any of her unreliable issues atm to do with social issues: drinking, drugs, smoking, curfews etc - if yes, the added freedom means she could go off the rails. If no and it is a stepparent issue then give her a trial month.
How is your house insurance - can you afford malicious damage if a party goes out of control or she does not maintain the place?
What are her plans - 6th form/job/apprenticeship? is she going to pay towards your house?

Wishing her (and you) Shamrock and that you can sort out some kind of trial or compromise. Many 16 year olds are level-headed and could manage incidentally - mine is one of them.

TheSandgroper · 22/03/2019 04:11

What was once able to be done is now a recipe for disaster with the social media, alcohol and drugs around. Your daughter has not the strength to hold back the peer pressure she will constantly receive to allow others into the house. I have just this week been to a teenager/drug/alcohol session so it’s all fresh.

She still needs firm, consistent appropriate boundaries and supervision. When the peer pressure increases, and it will, she needs to be able to say “I am not allowed “ , knowing that on the other side of the door is her backup.

Paul Dillon has an excellent blog on the subject. I recommend doing a seminar on the subject, if you can find one. Also, Ysafe has good info for parents.

brizzlemint · 22/03/2019 04:16

You need to put your daughter before your girlfriend and be a father to her. You live with her at the house and let your gf visit.

Monty27 · 22/03/2019 04:20

Maybe you should have sent her to boarding school. FFS the poor girl.
She is subjected to negligent parents that don't appear to give two hoots about her Shock

NorthernSpirit · 22/03/2019 04:23

Your 15 year old daughter (who isn’t yet 16) wants to live on her own. I’m astounded you are even considering it.

A firm no from me. She’s far too young and immature. Doesn’t matter what she wants, you need to step up and parent her.

Orangecookie · 22/03/2019 04:25

No. Very telling is this...
She used to be very responsible but as of late is lacking responsibility

And you want to follow her lead and let her basically live alone?

No. No. No again.

Original poster
mintymurray · 22/03/2019 04:27

interesting thoughts,
Thank you

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 22/03/2019 04:39

have asked her to stay at the GF house with us as she gets on with everybody but she is holding firm she wants her independence.

Then suggest that living at Dads rent free isn’t really independent. Independence comes with responsibilities, such as paying for the privilege.

What you’re suggesting isn’t independence. It’s pandering to a 16 year old that is stamping her feet.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 22/03/2019 04:43

I moved country and had my own home at 16 independently, so I can and is done.

if she’s wanting independence how is she going to support herself?

What’s the reason at 15 she’s wanting her own space?

Monty27 · 22/03/2019 04:52

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Graphista · 22/03/2019 05:07

Honestly? "Does not get on with mums partner" this is a recent thing? In which case it's highly likely she's acting out and mum and mums partner (who she had less of an emotional attachment to and is harder to play) are putting their foot down!

I'm with "recipe for a disaster" she'll be having all sorts round, partying, wrecking the place... Dreadful idea.

"i left home at 16 and joined the british forces !" And did you live the life of a celibate teetotal monk when you did? What were you getting up to at that age? - I was an army dependent for 27 years so I've dated and seen what soldiers get up to.

And even in the forces there's strict rules and regs and discipline and they're very aware of needing to keep an eye on the younger ones so they don't get in too much strife too.

"She used to be very responsible but as of late is lacking responsibility"

"she is not rebelling against her mothers rules, her mum has no rules or boundries" I find that VERY hard to believe but a fairly typical comment from an ex military ex husband

ThriftyMcThrifty · 22/03/2019 05:22

I didn’t get on with my stepdad, especially around this age. My dad lived abroad but had a flat locally and I would spend a good amount of time there. It was a lifesaver for me, I could get on with my a level coursework without being badgered and constantly harassed and criticized. I think my stepdad just couldn’t cope with me as a teenager, so tried to be overly stern. We are cordial now I’m in my late thirties, but I’ve very little to say to him to be honest. To the previous poster who suggested the girl is making this up to manipulate her dad and escape her mums rules, I doubt it’s as simple as that. Life in step families can be tough for everyone.