Letting my daughter live alone at my house

[mintymurray]

Hi All,
So i work away month Away in distant lands month in UK , my daughter who turns 16 next week has expressed an interest to live At my UK house full time, ( she does not get on with her Mum's partner ) She used to be very responsible but as of late is lacking responsibility ,
Anyway to sort this out i thought of letting her stay at my house whilst i am home for a month to monitor who she gets on, ( i spend 99% of my time at my GF house , yes the kids do come stay there lots)
has anybody experienced this before if so any ideas on how to go about it . I thought of setting a rules of dads house type of thing which if she breached any of the main security ones then it would be a all stop,

thanks for now Minty

[mathanxiety]

I wouldn't do it.

Everything you say about her attitude screams defiant and stubborn.

She says she doesn't get on with her mum's partner. But she won't consent to live with you and your partner so it's not just that. She wants to be 'independent'.

My guess is she just doesn't want to have to follow any rules, come and go when she likes, with whoever she likes. For 'independent' I would read 'party', 'be the cool and very popular girl in school who has her own house and a dad who only pops in occasionally'.

Are you sure her mum has no rules at her house?
Are you sure her step dad has no rules?
Are you sure he hasn't tried to set some?

Do you know her friends well at all?

Maybe I am being cynical here, so just to give her the benefit of the doubt, have you sat down and talked to her about how life is in her mum's house, whether her step father is kind to her or does he have a temper, etc?

[maddiemookins16mum]

This was always going to turn into a ‘you’re a bad father for leaving her/her mum in the first place’ thread.

[kateandme]

a house to themselves at 16.yeh of course all teenager that age will choose it.but do they deep down.nope.not that I know of.all of those I know have moved at 16 its been to get away from something(I know not all) and again being in the armed forces your part of an even bigger family and support system.with even more rules so its very different than being on ur own in the house.
id say a girl of 16 who isn't able to stay with her mum sounds a bit vunerable.shes needs a parent to stick by and choose her.]
I don't know how she has even been given this choice,or even thought it could be a possibility.you say she is adamant she wants to be there by herself.how has she ever got this idea?

[mintymurray]

"i left home at 16 and joined the british forces !" And did you live the life of a celibate teetotal monk when you did? What were you getting up to at that age? - I was an army dependent for 27 years so I've dated and seen what soldiers get up to"
I am teetotal and always have been ! do not tar all with the same brush ,
her mothers partner has been there for ten years the mother left me for him and that has nothing to do with this discussion,
my ex wife has little or no rules and no boundaries !

i am a great father and asking here for advice so i can gain the information and a counter argument onto why it is a good bad idea ! and experiences from other parents that may have been in this situation,
if you have nothing constructive to say move on.

[mintymurray]

in response
Are you sure her mum has no rules at her house? YES her mum is very lapse , social services have been out about her son not attending school and other issues
Are you sure her step dad has no rules? He does yes when he wants but gets overrulled by mum
Are you sure he hasn't tried to set some?

Do you know her friends well at all? YES her friends are lovely

[mintymurray]

Thank you.

[AJPTaylor]

I am guessing you were not independent as a 16 year old in the Army. Probably had more supervision than most 16 year olds.

[Lifeover]

Personally, I would stay with her in your house full time for the month. She’s still young and needs guidance. She’s probably pushing everyone away as she feels abandoned anyway.

Tell her she can stay but there are rules. You say you joined the forces at that age. Why? What did you like about it? Was it the support, companionship, safety of having rules and boundaries? You can offer her all this as a present parent.

[Auntieaunt]

From the age of 16 I was left in the family home by myself in three month stints while she went to look after family abroad. Mum put my food money in a container above the fridge and I knew the neighbours were watching me like hawks.

I absolutely loved it - I learned to cook properly, budget before uni and matured. Yes I could have thrown a house party but my neighbours would have called my parents and I would have been made to stay with grandparents (hell no!)

It was literally the highlight of my teenage years and definitely not a form of abuse from my parents.

[mintymurray]

I joined the Navy as i had no clue what to do in life, and the navy was a family occupation, grandfather and uncles ,
i have looked at my diary for when i am home and the kids are on holiday so i am going to have a big chat with her, and formulate some sort of plan that we can both work too , i would never allow her to be in the house with me away. I want to support her growing up, we are very close , when there mother took them away it was very stressful, but the girls picked to stay with me when i was home and only went back to there mums when i went away , its only the last year She wants more independence, i am not sure living by herself is the right independence to be fair,

Moped test next. ( but then that will be another issue )

[Motherofcreek]

I had my own flat at 16.

I wouldn’t want my kids to be in that position.

Even though you feel mature enough - you just aren’t. I used to get scared at night. Made bad choices (because I was still a young person) felt lonely so had my friends round and partied. Made dangerous mistakes around the house. Eg. Not locking the door when I went to bed and got burgled whilst I was asleep, left the cooker on all night when I was drunk. Sliced my hand open and there was no one there to help me.

I honestly can’t believe my parents encouraged me to toddle off with a new baby.

Your her dad. It’s not safe. You still need to guide and parent her. You might have joined the army but you had older people there still

[AuntieStella]

You must not make the offer to your DD until you have spoken to her DMum. This is something parents need to thrash out together, before putting an offer to the child.

If DD is going through a bad patch (as teens so commonly do) then there might actually be nothing wrong in her current home and her DMum's restrictions might be entirely appropriate and reasonable.

Supervision every alternate month when you are away for the whole time (mentioned in OP, glossed over later) also needs to be sorted out before any offer is made.

There is a world of difference between living alone, and living in the highly structured, rule-bound and close-knit community of the Forces. That you were OK with one does not mean the there is suitable.

If she needs a bit of a break from her DMum (whilst clashes gong on) I think you wouid be better to increase her stays with you. How many nights a week is she living with you in the months when access is possible?

[nrpmum]

@mintymurray my son did this last year. He moved to his Dad's. He was nearly 17 at the time. He was a total arsehole at the time, thought he knew it all, etc.

This last year and a bit he has grown up into a lovely young man. Works part time (for the last year), attends college and is studying hard. Has not asked for a penny from me, and we speak nearly daily and have a fantastic relationship.

I was also out the house and living on my own at 16. I was also sensible, no parties, no twattishness. My Dad is also ex forces.

[Ihuntmonsters]

I thought that you were thinking of using the month you are around as a dry run for when you are out of the country OP? Your first post suggested that she was hoping to live in your house all the time not just when you were able to pop in and out. Your subsequent posts suggest a teenager pushing boundaries which would make me very wary of giving this idea the go ahead.

[nrpmum]

@mintymurray my son had a moped, he was very cautious.

[Olikingcharles]

I did this with my very responsible 16 year old daughter worked away four nights in the week. She coped fine no disasters at all. We did live in a small town though not a major city. I would never have considered it if i felt she couldn't manage or was unhappy about it. There were no wild parties or drugs or anything untoward happening when i was away i would've been told by someone. She was allowed to have a friend or two stay over if their parents were happy with the full knowledge i was not there.Was for period of around 5 months to be honest she was quite put out when my employment changed and i was home every night. We have a great relationship (she's now 24 years old). Didn't do her any harm. Worked for us but i understand it's not ideal for everyone. Really does depend on the child and how trustworthy, responsible they are. Good luck and it doesn't necessarily make you a bad parent either.

[Motherofcreek]

She will want her independence for sure because she is just starting to find herself bit this phase in life is crucial for her later development.

It’s vital for young girls to be guided, heard protected so they don’t make unnecessary mistakes. There is a good book called raising daughters you should read

[Springwalk]

Minty she is much too young to be left on her own.

She is years away from being an adult. There is no way you should consider this. It is neglect plain and simple.

She stays with you when you are in the UK, she stays with her mother at all other times. Speak to her mother about the issues at home, try and find a solution to the stepfather issues. Can he move out?
Can you work from the UK?

Your child, and she is still most definitely a child needs to come first.

[BridlingtonSand]

Personally, I would stay with her in your house full time for the month. She’s still young and needs guidance. She’s probably pushing everyone away as she feels abandoned anyway.

I think this too.

[ZenNudist]

No. Its hard being a young adult. No need to start her off on that path when so young and she is at such a delicate and key point in her education and emotional development. She needs your support and boundaries.

Fwiw my BIL had his mum's house to himself at 15-18. His dad died and she isnt a good mum so moved to work away. Sent him to private school though. Hes a low key guy so it was just a bit of booze and a lot of weed. Hes been with dsis since then so only one partner. It was still party hang out for all his friends and he didn't acheive academically. His life has been ok because dsis has been family to him since that time and supporting him financially. It would be very lonely and unsupported otherwise. We all felt sorry for him.

[parttimeateverything]

I couldn't get past "let her stay" she's 16, 2 years off being an adult. She presumably has exams coming up and all the friendship / relationship issues to manage that 16 year olds have. She needs parenting not a place to stay. That means a caring adult talking about her future plans, helping her revise, encouraging her to eat healthy food etc...
You may have joined the army at 16 but you were given a regimented life style with meals , etc provided.

[Tartanwarrior]

I'm confused...

Does she live in the UK?
If she does, then she's about to take her GCSE's and surely needs some structure so she can knuckle down and study. So, NO

If she isn't in the UK, but wants to come to the UK for a month- what about school? Does she have friends here? Isn't she likely to be lonely? So, No

Her mum is lapse, SS involvement etc. Sounds like you think she's a bit neglected? Wouldn't this be a fantastic time to spend a good solid length of time with her, and properly get to know her again? Parent her, look after her a bit, if she has been sorely lacking this type of care. You're missing out on a golden opportunity.

[strawberrisc]

If this was my daughter, absolutely not. She is nowhere near responsible enough to know what to do if there was a leak or if she locked herself out of the house. She’d probably just take down the fire alarms if the batteries were running low and it’s NOT through my lack of trying. Most importantly though, I think she’d be really lonely going home to an empty house most of the time. Either that or her fellow 15 year olds would take advantage.

[SconesandTea]

I get that if you haven't been physically there as much then this is an opportunity to support. Don't try and fix her though. Listen to her. At 16 you are forging more of an adult relationship.

Spending a month then leaving sounds horrendous. I would be devastated at 16 to experience a parent being there then going, but I appreciate you don't have much choice.

In my opinion, four nights a week alone is a lot for a teenager. You will need to be checking in with her every single day even after the first month even if she hates you for it.

[BigSandyBalls2015]

Depends on the teen but i think most are too immature at this age.

My DD has a friend whose mum died at 15, parents were separated and dad didn’t step and parent her, he didn’t want his life to change. She spent weekdays alone in a big old house eating takeaways as the dad threw plenty of money at her. Kids at school soon got wind of this and her house used to be party central, got totally out of control.