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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Letting my daughter live alone at my house

86 replies

mintymurray · 22/03/2019 02:56

Hi All,
So i work away month Away in distant lands month in UK , my daughter who turns 16 next week has expressed an interest to live At my UK house full time, ( she does not get on with her Mum's partner ) She used to be very responsible but as of late is lacking responsibility ,
Anyway to sort this out i thought of letting her stay at my house whilst i am home for a month to monitor who she gets on, ( i spend 99% of my time at my GF house , yes the kids do come stay there lots)
has anybody experienced this before if so any ideas on how to go about it . I thought of setting a rules of dads house type of thing which if she breached any of the main security ones then it would be a all stop,

thanks for now Minty

OP posts:

Inliverpool1 · 22/03/2019 07:16

I turned down marriage because this would have been the situation I’d have been in. And my daughter was older, no way would I do this for a job

AbriaFern · 22/03/2019 07:17

You joined the navy and were told when to get up, where to sleep, how to make your bed, when to eat, and what to do.

How is that independence?

AbriaFern · 22/03/2019 07:18

You also had no bills to pay, didn’t need to cook your own food,.... you get the gist

Graphista · 22/03/2019 07:21

Wow! Clearly I touched a nerve!

Teetotalism is rare even in civvy population let alone military. I think you understood my point perfectly but don't want to admit that those of us predicting the disaster to come could be right.

But hey, you clearly just want us all to agree with you it's a great idea, her mums useless and her stepdad a mix of useless & tyrant and you'll be her saviour. Please!!!

None of that is at all realistic or sensible to anyone involved.

SconesandTea · 22/03/2019 07:24

Also has she been taught independence skills? Cooking healthy meals? Managing money? Sexual health protection? She won't automatically know any of that.

Sanguineclamp · 22/03/2019 07:29

I'm confused too. I don't want to sound judgemental but if her mother is not doing a good job, and ss are involved, then surely she needs to be with you even more? And if it boils down to a choice between your daughter and your gf, then your daughter must come first until she goes to college or uni, or can live independently (earning a wage, renting a flat sort of independence).

Partimeateverything has it exactly right. My nearly 16 yr old needs far more emotional input than she did at eight! Life for teens is hard nowadays. You need to be looking out for what she needs not what she wants.

If she is crying out for independence though, that shouldn't be ignored. Can you help her find it in a more constructive way? Volunteering? Part-time job? Duke of Edinburgh? Something similar?

HJWT · 22/03/2019 07:37

@mintymurray It all depends on your daughter, I was brought up from 12 years old to be independent, I was taught to cook clean and look after myself I was also helping out 60% of the time raising my sisters DD with my mum so by the time I was 16 I was a 'grown woman' with a 4 year old, never liked going out drinking at that age or when I got to 18, so you know your daughter best and only you can answer your question 😁 you could always ask your GF to check on her and the house when your away, maybe even put CCTV in the living room & kitchen.

anniehm · 22/03/2019 07:39

I would seriously consider her boarding for college - they think they are grown up but lack the skills to make good decisions, Harrogate where 16&17 year olds who join the army train is very supervised!

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 22/03/2019 07:41

Similarly to weaseley I was left alone for a fortnight at 16, I was a quiet, studious, bookish girl and seemed very mature for my age! It was an absolute disaster! As soon as ‘friends’ realised that I had the house to myself, I was manipulated and used and ended up with a house full of strangers who were a lot older than me, being pressurised for sex by a man I had never met before. Luckily I found my voice and had the wanker escorted from the house but that evening my parents and brothers had things stolen from them and a ‘friend’ ran up an extortionate phone bill calling her bf.

I was too naive and inexperienced to realise that I was being used/ exploited or that those exploiting me were planning a party (I thought we were going out and had zero intention of anyone coming home with me!). This would have been obvious to me now as an adult but I was too naive to see it at the time!

By all means leave your dd to it, but don’t be surprised if your home becomes party central and ends up wrecked!

BluebadgenPIP · 22/03/2019 07:42

Party house for the sixth form at yours then.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 22/03/2019 07:44

It is obviously a terrible idea, but it seems you are not really listening.

Moonchild1987 · 22/03/2019 07:45

Would it be a compromise if you were out during the day so she can get on with wanting to be 'independent' but you go there to sleep at night. That way you can make sure there is no parties, homework is being done and that she cooked a healthy meal. She would get a little freedom to structure her day and learn what does and does not work for her.

Ellisandra · 22/03/2019 07:45

Meh. I moved out 3 months after my 16th birthday, got a flat with my boyfriend, paid my half with a part time job whilst getting AAA at A levels and then off to a very good uni. No wild parties there! Nor was I scared to be alone in my flat, or flummoxed my finding a stopcock

Many 16yo’s would be mature enough - plenty others would.

My concern in this case, is that lack of parental support on both sides. No support from mum, and a dad that fucks off to her girlfriend’s house almost the whole time he is home. Even if she’s welcome and comfortable there, it’s not her HOME. How about you first try creating a home for her, WITH you?
A 16yo can have plenty of independence within a family home.

Ragwort · 22/03/2019 07:46

Why can’t you live with your DD and ‘date’ your GF, yet another parent putting their own emotional needs before their parenting responsibilities. Poor girl, I feel desperately sad for her, I see a lot of vulnerable young people through my volunteering in a Food Bank and many of them have come from broken homes and been abandoned by their parents, often pushed out to allow a ‘partner’ to move in .

winsinbin · 22/03/2019 07:49

My advice would be don’t let her live alone. She is a teenager and they need love, support and clear boundaries. If she really can’t bear it at her mums she could perhaps follow in your footsteps and join the army where there will at least be support and boundaries.

Damntheman · 22/03/2019 08:07

I'm going to go against the grain here. It's quite common in Norway for 16 year olds to move out to study the equivilent of 6th form or start apprentices in other towns. DH did it at 16, sure he lived on ramen and came home every weekend to wash his clothes but he learned a lot of independence from it.

I wouldn't straight up say no, OP. But I would have strict rules. She must get a saturday job in order to contribute to the bills. It's important that she learns the financial implications of independence ASAP, it should also help her mature and learn responsibility. I'd also rule that there are to be no house parties without prior permission, and any breaking of that rule will result in her not being allowed to live alone anymore. She must also keep up with the house's upkeep, cleaning and do her own laundry, cooking and washing up.

Be firm with your rules, keep them reasonable but aim them towards her experiencing how it really is to live alone and have responsibilities. This could be a valuable experience for your daughter and, if other posters have suspected she doesn't get on with her step-parent this could also be a valuable escape for her in order to focus on her studies.

greathat · 22/03/2019 08:09

If a 16 year old I taught told me this was happening I'd be reporting it as a safeguarding issue. Bit worrying if a 16 year old doesn't want to live either of their parents!

Afineexample · 22/03/2019 08:15

Disaster waiting to happen. There is a risk that your house will become a doss or party house. Do you really want that? I don' care how much you think she won't- she will have friends around. And it can get out of control fast.

And your house becoming wrecked is possibly the least of your problems.

I suspect she's not getting on with her mum and step parent because they are trying to reign her behaviour in, BTW.

Jaggypinecone · 22/03/2019 08:25

To give some balance to the argument, Just wanted to add that it depends a lot on your daughter. Many posters are aghast at the thought but legally if she decided to leave home, get a job and start living in her own place, there is no law against it. It rarely happens because of financial barriers but that doesn’t mean to say it can’t happen. Like Haudyerwheesht, my pal left home at 16, waved her parents goodbye as she left Glasgow on a train to London. She got a job, shared a flat and was absolutely fine. Another friend also left home at 16 got job, place to stay. I was left alone every weekend at that age, I was fine and cooked my own meals and cleaned and set the coal fire each day (shock horror, I didn’t burn the house down. During longer holidays, I’d be on my own for a fortnight and be getting myself up for work then a bus and a train into Glasgow. My SIL was engaged to my brother at 16, married at 18 and are still together 42 years later. Have our kids become so mollycoddled that they cease to function properly as almost adults? It is a parent’s job to make ourselves redundant and the OP sounds like a good concerned Dad and not deserving of some of the comments made to him.

ShatnersWigIsActuallyAMammoth · 22/03/2019 08:28

she wants her independence

Tell her to get a job and rent her own place then. THAT's independence.

OpportunityKnocks · 22/03/2019 08:29

At just 16, this is a critical time for her education with exams looming.

Is she 'world wise'?
Does she hang out with a good crowd?
Can she take care of a house and respect the property?
Can she cook, do washing, clean the house?
Is she disciplined in time management (ie, can get up for school, do exam prep and coursework?)

Personally, she's pushing her luck! Of course she wants to live alone, but that really can't be best for her at this point.

WhiteCat1704 · 22/03/2019 08:56

My stepdaughter lived alone for few months at 16. Her behaviour was out of control and she refused to live with her mother. She didn't want to live with us either or follow our rules. It was bad and she was adamant she will go to sheltered accommodation before living with her mother. We rented her a bedsit near to us. Had her over few times per week. Few months on we asked if she would like to move back in with us and she said yes straight away.
Has been great to have her back and she is a different person. I think the experience has thought her to appreciate what she has more.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 22/03/2019 09:03

Horrific idea.

At 16 I wanted a lot of things

Her mother sounds useless frankly and your daughter sounds like she needs more structure not less.

What you also need to consider is there are a lot of predatory people out there and all it takes is one.

LIZS · 22/03/2019 09:05

I think most 16 yos benefit from ongoing support rather than independence. They feel grown up but when the nitty gritty of cooking, cleaning, washing up etc completely fall upon them , let alone coping with a crisis such as a burst pipe, while trying to cope with education or work, most will feel overwhelmed. The novelty would soon wear off and you may well find that the property soon becomes a mess and a party central. Moving into a supported and disciplined environment such as the forces is completely different.

Orangecookie · 22/03/2019 11:21

@damntheman but in Norway the kids have had years of learning how to live independently before 16, and are expected to do a lot of chores around the home. Also they don’t live alone I thought, near or next to others all studying hard too and home weekends. Not comparable.

You need to work with the mother too. And your daughter. What are the issues. Why is she ‘less responsible’ now? Get stuck in.

You both as parents sound like you are a million miles away from this girl.

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