To tell the school no to this plan

[lyralalala]

I'll try not to waffle too long.

There's a boy in DS(10)'s class who every break or lunchtime only wants to play one specific playground game, and always wants to play it with either DS or another boy.

The school is excellent in terms of having a lot going on at break times to keep the kids busy and active. There's always football, one other 'moving around' game and then they have giant connect 4 type games as well as bits and bobs like skipping ropes etc.

This boy always wants to play one of the giant board games. My DS has no interest in them as he likes to play the running about games. The other boy is the same. They do sometimes play the board games with the boy, but they don't often. However, there is always a queue of kids waiting/willing to play (that's one of the reason DS doens't enjoy them, he says you basically wait ages and then have a quick game) so he is absolutely not being left with no-one to play with. Even his own Mum has said this on numerous occasions.

However, he wants to play with one of the two boys. If they say no he cries, gets angry or has some other big reaction that usually involves one of the adults in the playground stepping in. This has been an ongoing issue for the last few years. It has been escalating more recently as DS and the other boy have both been playing football most days as they've joined the school team (break times have no correlation on the team, they are just on a spurt of enjoying playing football). The boy has been throwing more and more tantrums and twice I've been called in as he has actually hit or kicked DS. Same with their other friend.

So the way the school have decided to deal with this is to have a rota. DS got upset at bedtime and told me that 2 lunchtimes a week, and 2 morning breaks a week, he's to play with the boy at the board game. 2 other lunches and breaks the other boy has to play with him. He was in tears when he said that he was told by Mr X (one of the school SLT) that the school needs "team players" and feels bad that he doesn't want to do it.

I'm livid. It's completely rewarding the bratty behaviour of the other boy imo. There's no SN or anything like that - I know his Mum well and she openly says that he's spoiled and is a 'demanding child'. Unfortunately she's one who thinks is easier and better just to give in to him once he gets loud.

Don't get me wrong, if the child had no-one to play with, or if my DS was in anyway saying that the boy couldn't play the game they were playing I'd understand it. In fact if DS was excluding him from the games I'd come down on him like a tonne of bricks! However, that's not what is happening. I'm not at all happy about almost half of his breaks being completely dictated by another child so specifically.

DH thinks it would be "kind" to tell the school we'll agree to 1 lunchtime, but I don't want to agree to any. AIBU to say no completely to any rota?

I also think you should follow up by putting your conversation and agreed outcome in writing and sending it to the Head to confirm and copying in the Governing body. There are clearly behaviour management issues within the school, and retraining and a whole school policy needs to be addressed. Don't let their complete and utter incompetence and inappropriate plans stay hidden.

I would also put it in writing confirming what was agreed in the meeting

I'm a parent Governor at a primary school. Copy in the Chair of Governors in your written response to HT.

The parent of the problem child isn't pushing for friendship even so it does sound like a class teacher trying to defuse an awkward situation with a demanding child (I still suspect autistic traits as they mask very well) whose parent is on board. In fact I would encourage your dc to invite the boy to join them playing football or other games as some kids are not good at joining a group unless specifically invited.

He gets invited to play every day so it’s not that.

If it was the class teacher I’d be less concerned, but this was the Deputy Head who is the main person in charge of discipline in the school. He’s fairly new and combined with a relatively new HT I’m very unimpressed.

It’s not just because of this I’m considering moving. There is lots of little negative changed that are making me consider it (they changed the staggered lunch so now some kids spend the majority of lunch in a queue, the relationship between the school and a genuinely good PTA has crumbled, they no longer issue a term calendar and dress up days are sprung with 2/3 days notice, parents night furbat changed to one I’ve never seen in any school I’ve ever worked in, and now 4 teachers leaving at the summer is a high number for a small school). I’ve seen schools changed for the better with new SLT, but I’ve always seen ones go bad rapidly, and this is worrying.

I’m certainly glad I didn’t take up a position on the governors as I think they might end up pretty busy!

This is ridiculous, you're most definitely NOT being unreasonable! This is bullying and the school is giving in to it. You should most definitely tell the school to stick the plan, your son and the other on the rota should be free to do i whatever they want at playtime

The boy needs to learn new social behaviours, even if he has SEN. Tell the school no. Otherwise they're going to make Transition much harder.

Definitely have a word, YANBU. I'd simply say he isn't on the rota as I prefer my DS to run around because he burns his energy off which helps behaviour and it's more healthy so should be encouraged. They can't argue with that.

RTFT folks

Well done OP and good luck for your decision ahead.

Well done @lyralalala. I am popping your borrowed tact in my arsenal for future meetings!

@YellowFish123 I imagine your DH May end up having first hand experience of being managed out very soon. His capabilities sound non existent!

This boy clearly has autism. It’s not bratty behaviour at all. It repetitive and fixated behaviour he can control so he feels calm and safe. Unfortunately it seems like your son and this other boy have become his only safe choices for play.
It’s nice the school are trying to find a compromise but unfair on your son if really doesn’t want to do it. Perhaps you could suggest to the school that they try to work with the boy to encourage a wider range of friendships or have a rota where all the class take turns to play?

READ THE THREAD! 🙄

Not the best idea from the school and handled appallingly.

The closest we have in my kids' school is a rota for the playground helpers - that the kids sign up voluntarily to do - and they get to walk around all officiously (they bloody love this) in a high vis jacket with a clipboard picking out kids playing nicely and recording their names and then giving out stickers and passing the lists on to the head teacher. Totally voluntary and the rota's been redone as the novelty's waned from some of them - some like my dear eldest have revelled in the chance to do it and taken on more playtime slots but she likes to feel she's running the school anyway.

With the kids that struggle socially what they do - and how they've approached it with my other daughter who was being socially isolated at playtimes at the start of this year was that they have a list of children they know are having problems (either social isolation, or needing guiding with friendship issues, or potential to get into trouble - even if it's just for playing something that's a really daft idea for a game) and it's updated weekly - some kids remain on it for a longer period of time as required - and it's briefed to all the staff internally weekly. The staff members on duty specifically look out for these kids (mostly the kids are oblivious - DD2 twigged the staff were checking she was OK after a while on it and would chirpily inform them if she'd decided to play on her own that morning) and one of the staff on duty is specifically allocated to be initiating and guiding some kind of playground game or activity and trying to gently channel any of the children they're watching extra carefully into joining in if it looks like they're drifting off in an inappropriate direction or being left on their own. All done very subtly and very much just starting something fun and bringing any random interested kids into it before gently stepping back out themselves and leaving the kids to it when they're engaged.

I have sn children and I'm very conscious that a child isn't stuck with my DC if they don't want to be as mine can be clingy. In fact I go into school and make sure that x child is given space and DC isn't dominating him or teachers putting them together as partners as it's not fair o the other child.

Beautifully handled. You expressed exactly what the fundamental issues are with this cack-handed arrangement.

I think YellowFish is banned now. But when a dictator resurfaces like a North Korean submarine, she'll be easy to spot.

What an utterly ludicrous suggestion on the part of the school! My dd would be utterly indignant at such a suggestion! She has a very strong sense of justice. It could only encourage resentment.

Since he only has a year left, I wouldn't fret about moving him, but I would certainly reconsider where you send your dd. Will two school pick-ups etc be manageable?

Incidentally, male teachers can come up with quite bizarre regimes!

What FrancisCrawford said. Put it all in an email so you have a written record - which I hope you won't ever need.

With luck, there will be so manycomplaints about this new SLT that he chooses to move on.

This is shocking. I hope the other child has to also play football?

Why should a child have to sacrifice their limited and precious play time to please another demanding head-the-ball?

Bluesky, do you really think that it's a snsile solution to have ONE child out of, what, 30+ in a class (how many in a school?) lose a lunch break every single week, simply to ensure another child doesn't throw a tantrum?

What does that teach either child? What does each child learn about, say, bullying? What do they each learn about equity? Fairness? Responsibility?

Definitely have a rethink as regards your daughter going into Reception. What is the Year 6 teacher like - if good maybe hang in there - if not which school are you thinking of for secondary school and which schools feed into it? If he has a good group of friends and a good Year 6 teacher if may be ok to stay but it does depend on what other niggles you have.

Maybe the best solution would be to support the demanding child's DM and say no!. If she's trying to fix the problem then the school aren't helping by saying if you kick, scream and throw a tantrum you get what you want. That is how you got your DS off the rota isn't it lyralalala. You screamed, shouted and kicked the HT

It seems incredibly strange what the school have implemented. YANBU.

Total bullying from school’s side. How can you MAKE want to play? I would refuse completely and complain higher. They clearly need a psychiatrist on site.

Hell, no - that's totally outrageous! I work in a primary school & I can't believe that's their solution! Your poor son. I would be marching straight in there & telling them that you are not allowing your son to be a plaything for a spoilt little brat because they don't have the backbone to deal with the issue properly!!!