To tell the school no to this plan

[lyralalala]

I'll try not to waffle too long.

There's a boy in DS(10)'s class who every break or lunchtime only wants to play one specific playground game, and always wants to play it with either DS or another boy.

The school is excellent in terms of having a lot going on at break times to keep the kids busy and active. There's always football, one other 'moving around' game and then they have giant connect 4 type games as well as bits and bobs like skipping ropes etc.

This boy always wants to play one of the giant board games. My DS has no interest in them as he likes to play the running about games. The other boy is the same. They do sometimes play the board games with the boy, but they don't often. However, there is always a queue of kids waiting/willing to play (that's one of the reason DS doens't enjoy them, he says you basically wait ages and then have a quick game) so he is absolutely not being left with no-one to play with. Even his own Mum has said this on numerous occasions.

However, he wants to play with one of the two boys. If they say no he cries, gets angry or has some other big reaction that usually involves one of the adults in the playground stepping in. This has been an ongoing issue for the last few years. It has been escalating more recently as DS and the other boy have both been playing football most days as they've joined the school team (break times have no correlation on the team, they are just on a spurt of enjoying playing football). The boy has been throwing more and more tantrums and twice I've been called in as he has actually hit or kicked DS. Same with their other friend.

So the way the school have decided to deal with this is to have a rota. DS got upset at bedtime and told me that 2 lunchtimes a week, and 2 morning breaks a week, he's to play with the boy at the board game. 2 other lunches and breaks the other boy has to play with him. He was in tears when he said that he was told by Mr X (one of the school SLT) that the school needs "team players" and feels bad that he doesn't want to do it.

I'm livid. It's completely rewarding the bratty behaviour of the other boy imo. There's no SN or anything like that - I know his Mum well and she openly says that he's spoiled and is a 'demanding child'. Unfortunately she's one who thinks is easier and better just to give in to him once he gets loud.

Don't get me wrong, if the child had no-one to play with, or if my DS was in anyway saying that the boy couldn't play the game they were playing I'd understand it. In fact if DS was excluding him from the games I'd come down on him like a tonne of bricks! However, that's not what is happening. I'm not at all happy about almost half of his breaks being completely dictated by another child so specifically.

DH thinks it would be "kind" to tell the school we'll agree to 1 lunchtime, but I don't want to agree to any. AIBU to say no completely to any rota?

[PotterHead1985]

Agree with PP. Heck no. They shouldn't be pandering to this child. He has plenty of people to play with and he needs to be taught he won't always get his own way. Also they are taking away your child's free will and choice and that is not on. It isn't his responsibility. I'd be in there first thing in the morning to tell them no and I'd say your DS friends parents would be in agreement.

[MillyMollyMandy2018]

YANBU why should your son have no choice about how he spends those breaks? No rota. If he wants to play with the other child, then fine. If not, then tough. Especially if he ends up getting hit on occasion.

[user1493413286]

I wouldn’t agree to that either; I see no reason why your DS should have to play a game he doesn’t want to play when there are loads of other children who want to.

[delilahbucket]

Definitely not. Had a similar situation with my DS. This particular child worked his way round a handful of boys in the class, crying "bully" when they didn't want to play with him. In the end his mother was so convinced he was being bullied by every single child in the school and the teachers, she took him out of the school. No SN, just an oddball mother who lacked social skills and passed that awkwardness on to her pandered to son.

[lyralalala]

Being brutally honest, my first thought on this is that it's an easy way to solve the issue of school staff having to get involved most days. They don't have the time/staff for that.

I'm really starting to lose faith in the school. There's so many little niggly things and this is just another.

And I worked in schools for 15 years so I'm not naive to what schools can and can't do. I'm always supportive to the school usually as well. This just feels extremely unfair, and not helpful.

[oldowlgirl]

That's ridiculous - YANBU, I'd go nuts with the school for doing that as they've shown no consideration to your DC at all & instead are making him feel guilty about how he feels. That's terrible.

[MamaAffrika]

Guarantee the child is on autistic spectrum and the rota is a way to manage his socialisation.

[Morgan12]

Absolutely not it's ridiculous. I'd be going in first thing tomorrow.

[Farmerswifey12]

I would be seeing red too! Not an appropriate way for the school to deal with things at all - you can't force children to be friends. I'd email the head teacher in the morning or head into school to discuss straight away

[Dutchesss]

No, don't let them do that. It's OK to say no in this situation.
Teach your son that it's OK to say no.
Even if the other child has SN it's not up to a 10 year old to manage.

[puppy23]

What is this teaching this other boy for the future?

[kateandme]

it seems to becoming a common thing where the bad behaved kids are being given the best treatment.ive read lots of this happening currently from some threads on here.
where is the balance.and what is in it for the school that they keep doing this?

[howabout]

YANBU

On a wider note I am surprised and would be concerned if my DCs' primary school had ever interfered so much at playtime. Ours largely make their own games and decide on their own friendships, although there is a buddy system of older pupils for left out wee ones finding their feet.

My 3 have all been the nice child expected to put up with a more challenging classmate at some point. It generally doesn't work at which point I tell my DC to adopt a zero tolerance approach and complain instantly at every transgression until they are moved. If the teachers didn't respond to this I would be making an appointment - I have never had to.

If your DC are behaving, getting on with everyone and learning it is not their job to manage the other DC - that is up to the adults imho.

[Goldmandra]

I agree with the PP who suggested there may be some undiagnosed additional needs. It isn't uncommon for parents to be in denial.

That said, additional needs or not, there is no way your DS should be blackmailed like this.

If the child has ANs, it is the staff's responsibility to meet them and teach him appropriate social skills. They should not be teaching him that tantrums or meltdowns gain him control over other pupils.

You need to raise this with the school immediately and tell them very clearly that you do not expect your DS to be approached about this again.

[Dippypippy1980]

This solution is not fair. It doesn’t tackle the very real social issues this boy is exhibiting, but punishes two other children when they have done absolutely nothing wrong.

The troubled boy will be heading to big school soon and this behaviour needs to be addressed before he is bullied mercilessly. You son deserves to speaks his break enjoying himself and burning off some energy.

The school has completely mishandled this situation - and you are absolutely in the right to insist your child isn’t forced into such an intensive rota. This isn’t just asking children to be kind and play with a lonely child. THIS boy has been violent beciase he isn’t gonna strong his own way,

[firawla]

Not appropriate solution from the school at all! I would be saying DS won’t be taking part in the rota. Why should he lose his football time just because one child has demanded so?!

[lyralalala]

Guarantee the child is on autistic spectrum and the rota is a way to manage his socialisation.

His Mum doesn't think so, and the school don't think so (in terms of everything she's said about her dealings with them). Also having seen him in different settings over the years I really don't think so. I could be wrong obviously, but I don't think so.

However, even if he is and they need or want a rota, then having two children timetabled to spend almost half their breaks each responsible for the socialisation of another child isn't an acceptable solution.

[Starlight456]

Can I ask are you been polite or basically telling them to sort it out.

Go in tell them your Ds is upset . Has been kicked and hit by this boy, doesn’t like the board games and it is therefore completely inappropriate . Been a team player is not doing what somebody else wants you too.

My Ds was a bit obsessed with playing with another boy in reception. He would frequently cry . His teacher would ask the classs who would play with my Ds . I reinforced that the other boy did not have to play with him and he had another 58 children in his year alone to play with.

My Ds did move on from this boy. This is what needs to happen here .

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

it's an easy way to solve the issue of school staff having to get involved most days. They don't have the time/staff for that

Then they are inadequately staffed and that’s a safeguarding issue. There must be enough staff to be able to deal with a playground incident. What if a child falls over and hurts themselves and has to be taken off for first aid? Absolute rubbish. They need to crack down on this little sod, not pander to him. He’d get bloody short shrift from us in our school if he kept that up. He could try the new game of sitting outside the staff room at play time, perhaps he’d like that.

[multiplemum3]

Regardless if this boy has something undiagnosed, the posters son shouldn't have to spend his break time playing stuff he doesn't want to.

[Bookworm4]

A similar thing happened to one of my DD when she was 10, I only knew about it after, because she was excelling at a subject they sat her beside a boy who was struggling and he was told to ask her when he needed help. I only found out when she said 'I didn't have time to finish my work today because I had to show John how to do his maths' I was furious and told her teacher she wasn't an unpaid TA and they best move her seat.
Too often the schools are using pupils to support other kids and it's not acceptable. Get yourself into his teacher tomorrow and tell them to jog on.

[ittakes2]

You are not being unreasonable - I hate this sort of thing. My son started showing signs of anxiety and then I discovered he has been told to play with a particular child with issues every play time and lunch time and my son was responsible for keeping this kid away from certain other children - my son was 6 at the time! I was furious. I spoke to the school who ended up reducing it to one playtime and one lunchtime and put other children on a rota. One year later when my son was 7 they tried it again with other child i.e. made my son responsible for this child each playtime and lunchtime each day of the week. Again only discovered after my son started showing anxieties at home. Its just not fair - kids need their playtimes to destress after studying - they should not be responsible for other children.

[DarkDarkNight]

YANBU to say no to this. The staff shouldn’t be dictating how your Son and the other boy spend their breaks. The rota means the two boys don’t get to play with each other either which is really unfair. I would say absolutely not and not leave any wriggle room.

It sounds like Staff need to be managing the Child’s expectations and behaviour better. They shouldn’t be relying on students to do this for them. It does sound like their are some kind of SN there, but that is not for your Son to solve.

[Billben]

so he is absolutely not being left with no-one to play with.

Even if he was, it still wouldn’t be your or your DS’s problem.

Guarantee the child is on autistic spectrum and the rota is a way to manage his socialisation.

Even if this was the case, it would still have nothing to do with OP or her son.

[littlecabbage]

YANBU. What kind of break is it for your DS if he doesn’t actually get a break from being told what to do by teachers?