To tell the school no to this plan

[lyralalala]

I'll try not to waffle too long.

There's a boy in DS(10)'s class who every break or lunchtime only wants to play one specific playground game, and always wants to play it with either DS or another boy.

The school is excellent in terms of having a lot going on at break times to keep the kids busy and active. There's always football, one other 'moving around' game and then they have giant connect 4 type games as well as bits and bobs like skipping ropes etc.

This boy always wants to play one of the giant board games. My DS has no interest in them as he likes to play the running about games. The other boy is the same. They do sometimes play the board games with the boy, but they don't often. However, there is always a queue of kids waiting/willing to play (that's one of the reason DS doens't enjoy them, he says you basically wait ages and then have a quick game) so he is absolutely not being left with no-one to play with. Even his own Mum has said this on numerous occasions.

However, he wants to play with one of the two boys. If they say no he cries, gets angry or has some other big reaction that usually involves one of the adults in the playground stepping in. This has been an ongoing issue for the last few years. It has been escalating more recently as DS and the other boy have both been playing football most days as they've joined the school team (break times have no correlation on the team, they are just on a spurt of enjoying playing football). The boy has been throwing more and more tantrums and twice I've been called in as he has actually hit or kicked DS. Same with their other friend.

So the way the school have decided to deal with this is to have a rota. DS got upset at bedtime and told me that 2 lunchtimes a week, and 2 morning breaks a week, he's to play with the boy at the board game. 2 other lunches and breaks the other boy has to play with him. He was in tears when he said that he was told by Mr X (one of the school SLT) that the school needs "team players" and feels bad that he doesn't want to do it.

I'm livid. It's completely rewarding the bratty behaviour of the other boy imo. There's no SN or anything like that - I know his Mum well and she openly says that he's spoiled and is a 'demanding child'. Unfortunately she's one who thinks is easier and better just to give in to him once he gets loud.

Don't get me wrong, if the child had no-one to play with, or if my DS was in anyway saying that the boy couldn't play the game they were playing I'd understand it. In fact if DS was excluding him from the games I'd come down on him like a tonne of bricks! However, that's not what is happening. I'm not at all happy about almost half of his breaks being completely dictated by another child so specifically.

DH thinks it would be "kind" to tell the school we'll agree to 1 lunchtime, but I don't want to agree to any. AIBU to say no completely to any rota?

YellowFish123 I am having an affair with your dh while he 'works from home'. He like it rough, btw.

Good luck OP

He sounds dreadfully indiscreet. And unprofessional. And imaginary

Good luck op, hope the head has more sense.

Good luck OP.

From my work in schools, they would very much help a child to see they can't have their own way all the time. Hope the issue gets resolved.

🍀🍀🍀

I don't have children and I'm furious on your behalf. I hope you manage to set the HT straight this afternoon, that your child won't be used to make the staff's life easy. It's shocking.

Contraceptionismyfriend
@YellowFish123 I've never worked in a school. But even I know everything you just posted is absolute bullshit.

Quite. Most of her posts on other threads make mention of 'I'm a director/senior manager' frequently so I'm puzzled how she finds the time to come on here and post such rubbish.

I am astounded that a school would micromanage playtimes like this.

The other child may have been told of the rota, but that doesn't mean your son has to agree to it.

I hope your meeting goes well.
At the same time, the school has a responsibility to this other child and I'm sure as there are lots of children who want to play on these games they could use their imagination and set up some kind of tournament once a week that he could be involved in, because a forced playtime task for just two people in a whole class just doesn't seem like a sustainable option anyway, quite apart from the unfairness, they are not really helping the first child much and will be causing resentment which is more damaging
I hope for all the boys they manage to come up with something sensible.

Hope it went well, was the other mum complaining too?

Grabbed a quick word with the mastermind of this plan and his only concern, that he repeated multiple times, was that the child has already been told of the rota plan so changing it would be problematic.

My answer to that would be that he should have thought about that before putting in place such a stupid plan.

Oh pants, wrong thread, I have self reported, very very sorry

@WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo and what thread would that be? Looks interesting

Things like this rota can work, if it's properly voluntary for the other children.
When my child was in primary there was a child who couldn't cope with the playground at lunchtimes and the others in the class volunteered to spend lunchtime inside with him - it was made very clear that no one had to do it, but there were always more volunteers than needed.
They also had a buddy bench in the playground where anyone who felt lonely or had no one to play with could go and sit and one of the children who had volunteered to be a buddy (and had training for it!) would join them to chat or play games. Again it was very successful and there was so many children willing to be buddies that they were only on 'duty' once every 3-4 weeks.
They key is that no child was forced to do anything they didn't want to do, and the school found that many children were willing to give up some time for others as long as it was their choice.

I certainly would never have agreed to my child being forced to spend almost half their break times having to play games they didn't want to play with a child that had kicked and hurt them. Lazy lazy management by the school.

That's bizarre. My then 5 yo was getting into trouble because he got upset and angry that his friends always wanted to play a game he didn't want to do. It took longer than we'd like but we kept explaining over and over that he couldn't expect the boys he wanted to play with to play the same things as him, and that he'd either have to find other friends who liked doing the same thing or play a more popular game, and we worked on his interests outside of school as well.

It wasn't much fun but I'd have found it utterly bizarre if the school had dealt with it by forcing the other kids into a rota, rather than expecting me to work with them to straighten out DS' expectations.

YANBU - I hope they see reason

Hopefully the meeting went well.

Yellowfish123.... Just odd..

Hope your meeting went well OP, and I hope you've managed to speak to the other boy's mum too.

Rota isn't happening. The meeting wasn't the most successful. There was far too much emphasis on the other child's needs and the school's struggle to deal with the situation in a "kind and stressfree way".

Totally changed track when I requested in writing that the were saying that the adults in the school were struggling to cope with the situation so they wished to transfer all of the responsibility onto two children. Also asked for them to confirm in writing that DS's wishes were less important than the other child's and that they were, seriously, stating that they expected him to give up half of his breaks to do whatever another child wished him to do regardless of his own wishes.

Pointed out that their OFSTED report praises the fact that the children enjoy break time because they have such a wide and varied choice of things to do and asked to see the policy that covered restricting that for some children at the whim of other kids and the staff.

I have very, very little faith in the SLT now. They seem devoid of ideas. And they discussed the other child far, far too much for my comfort. It's really annoying as I moved DS to this school a few years ago because his original school got a new HT who basically decimated the school (the staff turnover was phenomonal, the discipline was awful and the atmosphere was terrible - a LOT of people moved their kids in the end) and now I'm wishing I hadn't as that HT was a one year wonder and his old school is thriving again.

But they've scrapped the rota. Both of the other Mum's have been in. The other rota'd child's Mum wasn't happy and the mother of the boy hit the roof. She's trying (and she is, she openly says it's her fault, but she's trying to fix it) to teach him he can't have his own way and this did not have her backing or had even been discussed with her.

How did the meeting go lyralalala

Wow, I'm glad the rota won't be happening but I'm sorry the meeting was such a mess.

The fact this was implemented without the knowledge or agreement of any of the parents involved seems bizarre.

Sharing information with you about the other boy is really poor.

Sounds like a tough meeting, well done for sticking up for your boy in a reasonable and logical way lyralalala.

The school sounds like they have massive communication problems! I think I probably used to work there .

Good for you. And how refreshing BOTH other mums were as one with you.