To tell the school no to this plan

[lyralalala]

I'll try not to waffle too long.

There's a boy in DS(10)'s class who every break or lunchtime only wants to play one specific playground game, and always wants to play it with either DS or another boy.

The school is excellent in terms of having a lot going on at break times to keep the kids busy and active. There's always football, one other 'moving around' game and then they have giant connect 4 type games as well as bits and bobs like skipping ropes etc.

This boy always wants to play one of the giant board games. My DS has no interest in them as he likes to play the running about games. The other boy is the same. They do sometimes play the board games with the boy, but they don't often. However, there is always a queue of kids waiting/willing to play (that's one of the reason DS doens't enjoy them, he says you basically wait ages and then have a quick game) so he is absolutely not being left with no-one to play with. Even his own Mum has said this on numerous occasions.

However, he wants to play with one of the two boys. If they say no he cries, gets angry or has some other big reaction that usually involves one of the adults in the playground stepping in. This has been an ongoing issue for the last few years. It has been escalating more recently as DS and the other boy have both been playing football most days as they've joined the school team (break times have no correlation on the team, they are just on a spurt of enjoying playing football). The boy has been throwing more and more tantrums and twice I've been called in as he has actually hit or kicked DS. Same with their other friend.

So the way the school have decided to deal with this is to have a rota. DS got upset at bedtime and told me that 2 lunchtimes a week, and 2 morning breaks a week, he's to play with the boy at the board game. 2 other lunches and breaks the other boy has to play with him. He was in tears when he said that he was told by Mr X (one of the school SLT) that the school needs "team players" and feels bad that he doesn't want to do it.

I'm livid. It's completely rewarding the bratty behaviour of the other boy imo. There's no SN or anything like that - I know his Mum well and she openly says that he's spoiled and is a 'demanding child'. Unfortunately she's one who thinks is easier and better just to give in to him once he gets loud.

Don't get me wrong, if the child had no-one to play with, or if my DS was in anyway saying that the boy couldn't play the game they were playing I'd understand it. In fact if DS was excluding him from the games I'd come down on him like a tonne of bricks! However, that's not what is happening. I'm not at all happy about almost half of his breaks being completely dictated by another child so specifically.

DH thinks it would be "kind" to tell the school we'll agree to 1 lunchtime, but I don't want to agree to any. AIBU to say no completely to any rota?

Don't diminish your skill in managing this. That's a brilliant move to ask for it in writing....(I would love to have seen their faces as they realized how incompetent it would have made them look)....You are the one who remembered that a dad had done it successfully, You are the one who then had the initiative to make that request and You are the one who got the necessary and best result (given the limitations of the situation) for your ds. Well done. Please take the credit that is due you.

And also don't forget to praise your ds for standing up for his own well being and rights when being presented with something unreasonable. My dd is one of those kids who lets these things happen to her and only stands up for others instead of herself and I've spent a lot of energy in trying to re-train her on that front.

You rocked OP! You should be so proud of yourself.

P.S. I agree with unspiritualhome....send an email summarizing the meeting so it's clear that it's in writing.

Do tell us how the disapproved-of parents find themselves being managed out, YellowFish. We'd be fascinated to know how he gets around all the legal restrictions on that sort of activity.

Wow OP you are awesome!

Utterly awful behaviour by the school, I find it particularly fascinating that they kept talking about the child’s needs and yet are saying that he’s not got any SN 🤔 surely they see that if they are having to put such drastic things in place, maybe there just might be something else going on for him 🙄 not your issue though.

Very pleased the mum was against it too. Teaching our kids social rules is incredibly important for their futures and she is totally right to not want these whims pandered to

YADNBU!!!

I was ready to side with the child, but my God, HOW are they allowing this?

I work as a "mid day supervisor" at my children's school. I generally work with KS1 but sometimes am up with KS2. Never, EVER, does a child have to play a certain game with a certain person. If someone wants to play a game and their chosen person wants to do something else we tell them to find someone else, and will help them do so. We'd never force a child to play with someone when they want to play a different game...it's their playtime as much as anyone elses. The only sanctions come from REALLY bad behaviour.

Talk to the school and tell them that in no uncertain terms, your son will be playing whatever he wants to play. The other child can play with someone else.

No. SN or not, still no.
This has nothing to do with being a team player. The 'rota' will only cause resentment.
The boy has people to play with. Your son wants to do a different activity and should be free to choose. Just as the other boy is free to choose his preferred activity.

Just read your update! Well done. The boy's mother has her head screwed on thankfully.

I'm a teacher, and I applaud your stance on this. Well done.

So school are removing him from his friend 4 days a week. I would tell your child to have a tantrum when they make him go. They are rewarding this child for bad behaviour. I would be telling school with the other parent his play time is his choice.

@YellowFish123 I think you should remind your DH that he is in charge of a school, not North Korea!

YANBU I wouldn't be or have my child dictated to like this. So this other child gets to play his favourite game every single play time ie 100% and your son and the other boy only get to play their favourite game 50% of their time!!! Even if it was more fair for the other child to have it at 50% instead of 100% I still wouldn't be willing to be dictated to.

I'm glad you got the result you did but can't help but feel you need to take this further. Think you need to contact the governors about the situation,
Makes me wonder what else is going on that hasn't come to light yet x

Oh missed the updates! Excellent outcome well done!

Good result OP.
Good luck with decisions - never easy, but your DC are very lucky to have a mum who cares so much about them.

Fucking hell what a ridiculous school!!

Excellently handled OP. Appreciate it's thrown up the issue of whether to move DS, but you dealt with this like a PRO.

Bloody hell, it was such a good idea that nobody besides them thought it was acceptable and still tried pushing it.

Wow OP, you did really well in that meeting, well done for sticking to your guns.

Well done OP. You showed them! Can't believe it was necessary though.The school sounds dire.

I think in this case I'd be saying to the school that DS would be on the rota for 1 break and 1 lunch per week- that way he's being a team player and doing his bit for the school ethos, while also having time to himself.

The child in question does not have any SN. He just throws tantrums when other children won't do as he says. And now he's manipulating the school into complying with him.

Why on earth should the OP's son go along with this? What are you teaching the children, that throwing a tantrum is the way to get what you want, and that what this child wants has priority over everyone else's preferences?

Yellowfish, Is being "managed out" much better than being officially excluded through the proper channels? Apart from being more deceitful and shady, I mean.

Please report this to the board of Governors. It would be eye opening for them. It's not so much the stupid rota idea that I'd want to hear about as a Governor, but the teacher's reaction to your concerns that basically it was too inconvenient to change it as the other boy had been told it was happening already, and the SLT backing this up. It's so far away from everything the school environment/primary education should be for a child.

Interesting that all parties were aggrieved here, even the other child's mother, so the school are completely failing to do any kind of joined up approach to managing the behaviour and just doing what's going to get them a quiet life.

I've been horrified by threads I've read concerning children being used as unpaid TAs in the classroom/playground, and now when I do classroom or school visits it's something I specifically look out for. I know schools are cash strapped and unfortunately that in real terms means more staff because staff are the most expensive bit of running a school, but this sort of thing is the worst possibly solution to that problem.

Fortunately not seen it happen so far.

I would suggest giving it time before you disrupt your dc's education. The parent of the problem child isn't pushing for friendship even so it does sound like a class teacher trying to defuse an awkward situation with a demanding child (I still suspect autistic traits as they mask very well) whose parent is on board. In fact I would encourage your dc to invite the boy to join them playing football or other games as some kids are not good at joining a group unless specifically invited.

My dd is autistic and she still can't go up to people easily and just talk despite £££ of therapy, medication and being an adult but she has learned coping mechanisms and has friends through joint interests eg orchestra that she drinks with afterwards. She was that kid throwing a tantrum because the girl she had fixated on for friendship had found another friend/thing to do - but when we moved, her much larger new school had amazing empathetic kids who invited her to play, no teacher involvement but they seemed to understand they needed to include her.