To tell the school no to this plan

[lyralalala]

I'll try not to waffle too long.

There's a boy in DS(10)'s class who every break or lunchtime only wants to play one specific playground game, and always wants to play it with either DS or another boy.

The school is excellent in terms of having a lot going on at break times to keep the kids busy and active. There's always football, one other 'moving around' game and then they have giant connect 4 type games as well as bits and bobs like skipping ropes etc.

This boy always wants to play one of the giant board games. My DS has no interest in them as he likes to play the running about games. The other boy is the same. They do sometimes play the board games with the boy, but they don't often. However, there is always a queue of kids waiting/willing to play (that's one of the reason DS doens't enjoy them, he says you basically wait ages and then have a quick game) so he is absolutely not being left with no-one to play with. Even his own Mum has said this on numerous occasions.

However, he wants to play with one of the two boys. If they say no he cries, gets angry or has some other big reaction that usually involves one of the adults in the playground stepping in. This has been an ongoing issue for the last few years. It has been escalating more recently as DS and the other boy have both been playing football most days as they've joined the school team (break times have no correlation on the team, they are just on a spurt of enjoying playing football). The boy has been throwing more and more tantrums and twice I've been called in as he has actually hit or kicked DS. Same with their other friend.

So the way the school have decided to deal with this is to have a rota. DS got upset at bedtime and told me that 2 lunchtimes a week, and 2 morning breaks a week, he's to play with the boy at the board game. 2 other lunches and breaks the other boy has to play with him. He was in tears when he said that he was told by Mr X (one of the school SLT) that the school needs "team players" and feels bad that he doesn't want to do it.

I'm livid. It's completely rewarding the bratty behaviour of the other boy imo. There's no SN or anything like that - I know his Mum well and she openly says that he's spoiled and is a 'demanding child'. Unfortunately she's one who thinks is easier and better just to give in to him once he gets loud.

Don't get me wrong, if the child had no-one to play with, or if my DS was in anyway saying that the boy couldn't play the game they were playing I'd understand it. In fact if DS was excluding him from the games I'd come down on him like a tonne of bricks! However, that's not what is happening. I'm not at all happy about almost half of his breaks being completely dictated by another child so specifically.

DH thinks it would be "kind" to tell the school we'll agree to 1 lunchtime, but I don't want to agree to any. AIBU to say no completely to any rota?

[Alleycat1]

Bravo OP! Handled brilliantly.

[Sewrainbow]

Not read full thread but I wouldn't be happy about this. I would speak to school break time should be pleasurable to the children and a release from work. If the boy had no one to play with then maybe it could be managed by the teacher but more subtely than this. If no sen then it is giving in to a tantrum and not teaching the child how to manage their behaviour or emotions and will only breed resentment amongst classmates rather than encourage friendship. I'm surprised he gets away with at 10 if there are no sen.

[Motherontheedge1]

I teach in a primary school and I think this is totally unacceptable. When I have to deal with playground issues I tell the children that it’s kind to include everyone and that no one should be excluded from larger group games but that no one can be made to play with someone they don’t want to play with. I was never one for going up to school complaining when my son was younger but I would definitely have complained if I’d been in your position. The school doesn’t have a leg to stand on. It’s ridiculous. Wonder how many of the teachers spend their free time doing activities they have no interest in. Can’t imagine what SLT teacher is thinking.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Well done OP.

Definitely worth exploring which school is best for your DD while you have a relatively easy opportunity to make a change.

[mrshousty]

I think you should be extremely proud of the fact that your boy is so considerate that he was already willing to play with him before the plan was put in place, you are absolutley right though, there should be no need for such a plan and he kids should be able to play with whoever they want.

I also get the impression that the other boy may be being mislabelled as spoiled/bratty by everyone? Could he possibly have a learning or behavioural difficulty that someone has missed? This sort of behaviour was knocked out of my son at end of nursery (not physically- just in case someone takes that literally 🙈) so the fact that this boy is displaying it at 10 years old is concerning. There's not a chance he'll get away with that behaviour in high school.

[mrshousty]

I live in n.ireland and was just wondering if this is a UK wide thing or just us but most primary schools here have a buddy system where the older kids (p7) look out for the younger kids at break times and some other times during the school day... ie play with them, make sure they're ok... take them to and from class for photos and things... obviously as ops ds and others involved are older kids it doesn't apply

[ToftyAC]

Absolutely not! He has physically harmed your DS and id have told the school to do one!

[MummaMooMoo]

I can't express enough how much I'd tell the school to do one, and probably make clear that consent is a broad societal issue they should be actively engaged with teaching, not enabling the children who won't take no for an answer without resorting to violence. What do they think this boy will become with this sort of enabling!? Would also be saying that at break time, unless your child is actively breaking rules or showing concerning behaviour, you'd be grateful that he be left to use the short amount of free time he gets, to do whatever he likes!

[celticprincess]

I definitely think there is undiagnosed SN here. Specifically ASD. Obviously as a parent of another child you can’t do much to facilitate a diagnosis. But just because mum thinks he’s demanding and bratty doesn’t mean that’s what it is. I have a child currently under ASD assessment. She struggles with social interaction and can only manage to play with one child at a time. As soon as a third child appears she withdraws and goes off by herself. She can’t cope with a third or more person. She has a very possessive relationship with her best friend (2 way possessiveness actually). Another child in the class who likes to play with her best friend and not my child suggested a rota!! I nearly flipped!! She got really upset about only being able to play with her best friend on a Wednesday for example so other people could ‘share her’. The best friend didn’t even want to play with this other girl. Luckily we managed to have words with the children and get rid of the rota idea. I can’t believe a school would come up with this. It is totally ludicrous. I’m not sure how old the OPs child is but children need to be able to choose their own friends over their break and lunch times. I can see why the school is trying to do this but surely if there are lots of people wanting to play this game then the school need to facilitate a way for this child to interact with others who want to rather than forcing someone who doesn’t want to. It’s hard from the other side as my daughter can’t jnderstsnd why someone wouldn’t want to play with her if she wants to play with them.

[lyralalala]

mrshousty celtic

As I've said previously I'm not going to give too much detail abotu someone else's child, but there's been more than one look into it by various different professionals and they, and his Mum, have come to the conclusion that it's just a case of being very very spoiled. His Mum is trying to rectify it (and it's understandable why he was very spoiled). The school are just not helping by trying to take short cuts.



I've decided to double check there is space at DS's old school (I'm sure there is) and if there is I'm planning on moving DS, and starting DD there. the Year 6 teacher is one who is leaving so I'm very concerned about the fact they'd have a new teacher, unfamiliar with the issues, as well as a poor management team.

There's just been too many issues adding up. I don't want to get part way into Y6 and then discover I should have moved him and by then too many people will have moved and the other school will have no space.

The primaries all feed into the same high school anyway so that doesn't have an impact.

[ovenchips]

Very well handled OP.

Y'know, unpleasant though it all is for you, it might actually all just work out for the best in terms of timing - changing the school for your DD before she starts and your DS not starting year with a newly appointed teacher. Best of luck.

[Goldmandra]

there's been more than one look into it by various different professionals and they, and his Mum, have come to the conclusion that it's just a case of being very very spoiled.

It's pretty irrelevant to the thread but I think it's important for people to understand that this is a pretty common scenario for children with ASD, particularly when the parent is in denial. Children are often observed and 'assessed' inappropriately by professionals who don't have the skills to recognise the subtler presentations of ASD and are very happy to agree with a parent who is saying that the child is spoiled. It's always a lot cheaper to blame additional needs on parenting.

Only time will tell which is correct.

In the meantime, it has absolutely no bearing on whether your DS should be supporting this child.

[Goldmandra]

If you do decide to move your DS, please send a formal complaint to the governors, explaining your reasoning so that they can address it for the benefit of those children who remain in the school.

[SummersOnMars]

Wow gob-smacking approach from the school. 100% would be telling them where to go.

[Littlemissdaredevil]

Well handled OP. Are you are WOHP or a SAHP? My mum stayed at home so we have the option of going home for lunch every lunch time.

[cstaff]

Well done OP. You sound like you put them right in that meeting and you were right - no question. There is no way that your child should be used basically as a child minder because they couldn't do their jobs.

[woolduvet]

How were all the boys today

[Mumoflove]

No rota please!! It’s break time and your son can play or not as he wishes and with whoever he wishes.

[lyralalala]

How were all the boys today

Of the 3 only DS was in. There is a bug spreading around like wildfire.

[TakeNoSHt]

I’m thinking the boy may have special needs too. Maybe school and mum are aware but choose not to say. Perhaps ASD. The ‘obsession’ to play certain games and have a fixed routine is similar to what i am familiar with the condition.
But in no way should your child be told what to do on his free break time, a big no from me

[toffeeghirlinatwirl]

I’m very late catching up with TFT but I’m so impressed with how you dealt with this, OP. Way to go

Do move your ds for y6. All 3 of my dc went through nursery up to juniors in a very small primary. When my youngest was approaching the end of y5, the school had free fallen from its ofsted outstanding rating and there was a huge staff turnover, bullying issues not being addressed, complaints about the new head teacher etc
We had recently moved home but my youngest ds was adamant he wanted to remain where he was. It was he who asked could he move days into the final term of y5. He’d had enough. He transferred smoothly into a large primary and fitted in instantly. Just go with your gut. Best wishes for the future.

[Roscommonet]

Just a quick interjection about moving schools - we moved ours, and it felt at the time like we were stepping off the edge of a cliff it was so scary to make the decision. It was absolutely fine. Wish I’d done it sooner.

[catherinet1973]

I've been told to do this as a teacher for children with special needs but I think it's wrong and puts a lot of pressure onto the friend. Go in and say no.

[Greywalls12]

Why don't people read the bloody thread? THIS HAPPENED 7 MONTHS AGO

[Pieinthesky11]

Defo yanbu - ridiculous