Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell the school no to this plan

377 replies

lyralalala · 21/03/2019 21:20

I'll try not to waffle too long.

There's a boy in DS(10)'s class who every break or lunchtime only wants to play one specific playground game, and always wants to play it with either DS or another boy.

The school is excellent in terms of having a lot going on at break times to keep the kids busy and active. There's always football, one other 'moving around' game and then they have giant connect 4 type games as well as bits and bobs like skipping ropes etc.

This boy always wants to play one of the giant board games. My DS has no interest in them as he likes to play the running about games. The other boy is the same. They do sometimes play the board games with the boy, but they don't often. However, there is always a queue of kids waiting/willing to play (that's one of the reason DS doens't enjoy them, he says you basically wait ages and then have a quick game) so he is absolutely not being left with no-one to play with. Even his own Mum has said this on numerous occasions.

However, he wants to play with one of the two boys. If they say no he cries, gets angry or has some other big reaction that usually involves one of the adults in the playground stepping in. This has been an ongoing issue for the last few years. It has been escalating more recently as DS and the other boy have both been playing football most days as they've joined the school team (break times have no correlation on the team, they are just on a spurt of enjoying playing football). The boy has been throwing more and more tantrums and twice I've been called in as he has actually hit or kicked DS. Same with their other friend.

So the way the school have decided to deal with this is to have a rota. DS got upset at bedtime and told me that 2 lunchtimes a week, and 2 morning breaks a week, he's to play with the boy at the board game. 2 other lunches and breaks the other boy has to play with him. He was in tears when he said that he was told by Mr X (one of the school SLT) that the school needs "team players" and feels bad that he doesn't want to do it.

I'm livid. It's completely rewarding the bratty behaviour of the other boy imo. There's no SN or anything like that - I know his Mum well and she openly says that he's spoiled and is a 'demanding child'. Unfortunately she's one who thinks is easier and better just to give in to him once he gets loud.

Don't get me wrong, if the child had no-one to play with, or if my DS was in anyway saying that the boy couldn't play the game they were playing I'd understand it. In fact if DS was excluding him from the games I'd come down on him like a tonne of bricks! However, that's not what is happening. I'm not at all happy about almost half of his breaks being completely dictated by another child so specifically.

DH thinks it would be "kind" to tell the school we'll agree to 1 lunchtime, but I don't want to agree to any. AIBU to say no completely to any rota?

OP posts:
hellenbackagen · 22/03/2019 17:46

No wonder we have the problem kids we do if the school can't say NO to a child and look for an easy way out that's better for them than the children they were foisting the issue onto.
Ds is autistic and I wouldn't have been happy with this as a solution.

Well done for standing your ground.

jacks11 · 22/03/2019 17:46

Glad the rota is not going ahead and other parents are also being equally sensible. I am not at all surprised that you have little faith in SLT now. Their handling of the situation has been, from start to finish, pretty abysmal.

tokirara · 22/03/2019 17:46

Shocking lack of insight from the school. As a school governor myself, I suggest you follow up in writing to the school head to set out your concerns over their response, and CC the governors.

beenhereages1 · 22/03/2019 17:46

I agree with @harriethoyle , how great that everyone was with you on this one!

UrsulaPandress · 22/03/2019 17:47

Well done you. Really well handled.

Chamomileteaplease · 22/03/2019 17:51

Sounds like you dealt with the school's nonsense amazingly Smile. Well done!

goldengummybear · 22/03/2019 17:53

Well done OP for getting the result that you and the other families wanted. 👍🏻

NunoGoncalves · 22/03/2019 17:54

So even the mum of the troubled kid wasn't asked about / didn't approve of the rota?

What a shambles.

Troels · 22/03/2019 17:58

The school needs to start telling him No. Make the kid sit out playtime each time he kicks off. He isn't going to learn if they don't get tough on rules. Poor kid.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 22/03/2019 18:01

Totally changed track when I requested in writing that the were saying that the adults in the school were struggling to cope with the situation so they wished to transfer all of the responsibility onto two children. Also asked for them to confirm in writing that DS's wishes were less important than the other child's and that they were, seriously, stating that they expected him to give up half of his breaks to do whatever another child wished him to do regardless of his own wishes. Pointed out that their OFSTED report praises the fact that the children enjoy break time because they have such a wide and varied choice of things to do and asked to see the policy that covered restricting that for some children at the whim of other kids and the staff.

Well done you for putting them on the formal spot like that. Seriously. They were completely out of order and they knew it, they just couldn't be arsed.

BackforGood · 22/03/2019 18:01

Very well handled.
Very interesting that even the Mum of 'demanding boy' was incredibly cross with their plan.
Sounds like pretty weak SMT to me.

Original poster
lyralalala · 22/03/2019 18:01

Now I need to spend the weekend thinking about what to do. I've got my DD due to start the school after the summer as well as DS's last year before high school.

I'm thoroughly tempted to find out if the other school has space for DD. Then it's a case of working out what to do with DS. Moving him again seems very reactionary, but this SLT are not giving any faith. Staff turnover seems to be a bit higher than usual. There are 4 teachers leaving in the summer which is a lot for a smallish school. Plus lots of little daft things. I'm just not happy with the school at all atm.

OP posts:
woolduvet · 22/03/2019 18:11

Maybe give your son the option?

VeraWangTwang · 22/03/2019 18:15

Well done, hopefully they won't try and pull this shit again
They need to look at their playground management

FrancisCrawford · 22/03/2019 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coyoacan · 22/03/2019 18:23

You have such a way with words, OP, and reasoning, I'm thoroughly impressed

whiteroseredrose · 22/03/2019 18:27

Wow. Very well done. You had prepared so well. I'm in awe!!

KOKOagainandagain · 22/03/2019 18:51

The mother is clearly in denial and school are encouraging this to everyone's detriment due to financial concerns. If they really believed the child was just spoilt they would not do this. They just don't want to fund appropriate adult support.

DS2 is now thriving at internet school but when he was at school they would constantly try to make other DC act as unpaid TAs arguing this was for the benefit of DS2 and others. Bollocks.

Don't blame the other child or his mother though. DS2 had a f/t EHCP that specified support at break and lunch times but the school still played this stunt. It ticks the boxes for discretion and peer support.

KOKOagainandagain · 22/03/2019 19:02

Peer supporters who have no choice are also 'allowed' to do things that adult supporters are not allowed to do - they are just kids and have their limits so they can say 'shut up, idiot', remove OT recommended fiddle toys etc. This helps no one.

MarkingTimeIm59 · 22/03/2019 19:25

Congratulations OP. You've handled this whole sorry mess without hysteria and I really admire you! I imagine the head teacher knows they have met their match! Your DC are lucky to have you as their mum.

billybagpuss · 22/03/2019 19:29

You has me cheering you from the sidelines when you said about asking for it all in writing. Really well handled 💐

My friend moved her DD for year 6. It worked out really well for her and was the right thing to do. Have a look round the other school and see what your DS thinks obviously if they have space. Good luck it is a mine field isn’t it.

faw2009 · 22/03/2019 19:33

I loved the way you turned the tables on the school, quoting ofsted, asking for things to be put in writing. Brilliantly handled.

Original poster
lyralalala · 22/03/2019 19:36

Tbh I only asked for it in writing as while I was in there I remembered a Dad doing that to a HT I once worked for in a big meeting. It wasn't something I planned, there was something about the manner of the meeting that reminded me of it.

Thanks for the support. I'm not the most confident parent in the world (ironically would have doubted myself much less if it was someone else's child in a work capacity) so having somewhere to vent/get advice is pretty invaluable.

OP posts:
Gruzinkerbell1 · 22/03/2019 19:38

You’ve handled this brilliantly OP, well done!

UnspiritualHome · 22/03/2019 19:39

You need to check whether the old school has a vacancy before thinking about whether to move your son there.

I'd suggest you write to the school summarising what was agreed at the meeting, so that there is a record in paper. That will make it more difficult for them to backtrack next time they're struggling a bit with the other kid. It should be interesting to see what they do about him next week when he can't get his way at playtimes.