To think this isn't neglect?

[twentytimes]

3 children aged 11,5 and 4. Eldest is sometimes left alone with the little two for several hours and is on her own once a week from after school until midnight. 4 and 5 year olds have on a few occasions been left alone for up to half an hour. They have mums number and know how/who to contact if something goes wrong, nothing ever has though.

Little two are never put to bed because they don't want to. Most nights they eventually fall asleep on the sofa whilst watching tv and are either left there or carried up to bed. They're allowed to watch whatever they want, 5 year old is easily scared so doesn't but both the 4 and 11 year olds will watch adult rated films or tv programmes.

They do what they like with their appearance as long as they aren't in school or it doesn't break school rules and are overall just given a lot more trust and freedom than most children their ages. They aren't spoilt with material things and are told no but if they want to go somewhere or start a new club for example they are almost always allowed. They don't have many rules at home but are expected to follow other peoples rules and are disciplined if they break them or are rude

They are all very happy and confident children, very polite and not badly behaved. Their Mum really loves and supports them. None of them complain or are upset by any of the things I mentioned, if they ever were then Mum would change her parenting.

I know this probably isn't the best example of parenting and If I ever have children I wouldn't do the exact same but AIBU to think its just a different parenting style rather than neglect and that I don't have a moral obligation to report any of this?

Pop next door, not poo next door 😂😂😂

You're in a really difficult position, OP. The chances are your mum won't listen to your views because she's convinced she's doing everything right. But clearly she is a neglectful parent. What does the father say?

I've been that child, it was my job to look after my little brother from the age of 10, he was 4. My mum's need to go out in the evening was put before the needs of her children, which I can sort of understand as she was a very young widow. It was frequently very scary.

It's absolutely neglect OP, I expect there is neglect in other areas too.

Very normal for the 70s / 80s.

My mum was a single mum who worked (( scum in the eyes of 80s Britain )) if for whatever reason I was off school id be left alone from reception agewith the instruction to go next door if I needed anything, don't touch the cooker and here's the TV remote.

We lived. We were resilient and sensible........ I don't think today's over cosseted kids have it any better tbh.

I would say I'm usually on the more relaxed side of these parenting debates but even I don't think leaving the kids alone as you have described is ok.

I doubt you will find anyone on MN who thinks it's ok either. Have you talked to your mum about it?

Please please report it. You cannot think for a nano second that this is ok.

Total neglect op. Dangerous and unacceptable.

I was raised much more questionably than my siblings are being which is I guess why I'm finding hard to know this is wrong because I ended up fine anyway.
I have a still have a very close relationship with my Mum and will talk this through with her.

I stand corrected with the post before mine 😂

Definitely neglect. Two young children should not be left alone at all! It doesn't matter if its a small village or a large city, it's still neglectful!

Yes, that is neglectful. You have no idea of the damage this could be causing them that may only manifest itself in later years.

I hate these emotive posts where the truth of the situation is only revealed once everyone else has given answers based on assumption (since no relevant details were given in the OP). What is the bloody point of that?
If you had said from the off what the actual situation was you would have had helpful and meaningful answers much much sooner.

Um, yeah. It's neglect.

Their father doesn't want to be involved.

what was it that made you ask OP?

Yes it's neglect. I would count myself on MN as bring in the liberal brigade but this is not acceptable. There could be a fire or an accident. An unexpected caller. Children who need love, care and attention, good square meals, a bath and a story and a good nights sleep. To share their worries and troubles. And no one is there.

Except for a terrible burden on an 11 year old.

My sisters used to fight horribly when my Mum was out - once a knife was thrown amongst other things. It's dangerous.

I'd call it very negligent. I sure as anything wouldn't call it parenting.

If the children are indeed as well grounded as you say they are, I would say they have done a fine job so far of raising themselves. I worry what happens when puberty, the teenage years, and high school hit.

Very normal for the 70s / 80s.
Rubbish

Not normal in the 50s or 60s either.

Do they all actually have beds? What do they eat when they are left alone? Are they bathed, and in clean clothes? It is as everyone else has said, definitely neglect. They sound like they are being left to bring themselves up!

Of course its neglect. Scary how some people can have kids

Why when she's popping to shop etc can she not take the kids with her? Has it ever crossed her mind that if say one of the younger ones had an accident and 11 yr old called an ambulance what does she think would happen? Her kids would get put into care. She sounds like a selfish cow.

You might have ended up fine more through luck than good judgement though and you definitely need to get some sort of support before contemplating becoming a parent yourself as your boundaries are questionable.
Leaving four and five year olds alone is neglectful.
Leaving four and five year olds in the care of an eleven year old for long periods of time is neglectful.
Leaving an eleven year old alone in the middle of nowhere up until midnight is neglectful and exposing them to adult tv is neglectful.
Much of the rest of it regards bedtimes is shit parenting tbh.

You absolutely need to speak to your mother before someone else reports her, anything could happen to your siblings.

None of this is normal or acceptable op. Most children have dinner, a bath, a cuddle, a story more often than not and tucked into bed with clean sleepwear. Your poor siblings being left on the sofa every night watching adult content is so unhealthy and bad for them.
The most dangerous thing though is the four and five year old being left at home alone both with and without the eleven year old.

You are an adult now, and you have a responsibility to your siblings to do everything possible to keep them safe. Including calling SS if you feel this is the only way forward.

I think its shameful behaviour of the parent....to put all that responsibility onto an 11 year old child....someone needs a serious head wobble here....scandalous

OP, I was struggling initially to think this was a genuine post. However if you have been raised in this manner I can see why you may find the situation questionable.

I see controversial parenting as allowing children to grow up too quickly. Neglect is putting them in unsafe situations.

4 & 5 year olds should never be left unsupervised as it is unsafe.

Some 11 year olds behave like grown ups until there is an emergency, then dissolve in to panic which is unsafe.

Regardless of the length of time it is an unsafe situation for these children to be left alone.

If something bad happened you would never forgive yourself.