AIBU to be completely fed up with this crazy woman and her DD

[RedRose3]

Hi all,
Long story. I met a woman at my daughter's school open day. We got talking and then became "friends". It was more of convenience friendship for both of us. Our kids did many activities together and we shared pickups and drop offs. She moved her daughter to a prep school in Year1 for grammar school focus and has absolutely nagged me to death several times to move my DD - going on and on about now lovely the new school is. It felt quite premature at that point to send my DD to a hot housing school without knowing her true potential. We loved our state school so we continued there. We still did some activities together. I heard a lot of criticism about "state school kids" from her over the years but I chose to ignore it.. Another big problem with this woman is her attitude. Whatever she touches is gold. Her kids are best, her profession is the best, her house is the best. She is VERY dismissive about others choices. (For example: DD is sporty - She made comments several times to say sports are useless). I find it very annoying. We slowly distanced ourselves from them and did our own thing

Fast forward to Year5, 11 plus preps in full swing. Her DD went to numerous tutors. We tried some tutors and settled with a tutor who had a calmer approach. This "friend" at this point was after my life for "collaboration". She wanted to know what we were doing. I told her our plans and strategy. I told her about our target schools and why we think they were suitable for our DD. She said she gathered some resources from another parent from school and would share them with me. I asked twice but I got shitty excuses (lost them, cant find them etc). So, the collaboration was all about getting info from me but not sharing anything. Through out 11plus prep time, whenever and whereever we met, her DD had only competitive questions for my DD. How much did you get in that paper? What level are you at swimming? What level in Piano? This woman also went behind my back and checked with common friends what I was upto.

Many many times I felt like asking this woman to shut up and get lost. I just kept distance and ignored. DD got into a local grammar and guess what, her DD will be going there too :( This woman started calling me again. COLLABORATION shit. How our grammar is the best, the other grammar is just crap (its a brill school , I know children who are happy there - it just didnt feel right for my DD). I spoke nicely, but I just hate her now. Last week my DD met her DD at a park. (I wasnt there, she went there for a play date after school with another child and her mum). and guess what, the ONLY things her DD asked mine were "What was your 11plus score, what level at swimming and whats level at piano. What other activites are you doing and what levels". DD is fed up and felt quit. I am going mad. I cant put up with this shit all through school now.

Anyone met insanely competitive and selfish people like this woman? How to ignore her? We aren't competitive , we don't push our kids. (Some people do, we respect their choice - we all do whats best for our kids) We just encourage our children to do their best. DD is terrified of having this girl in her class. Its not the child's fault, she was raised that way, but the whole thing is a BIG PITA long term. I hate confrontations, but one more shit talk, i might smack her.

Just stop engaging with her on topics like that. If she starts bad mouthing the other school simply say I think it's a good school myself. Anyways have you seen X y or z in the news. Etc. You don't have to have conversations like that. If you shrug them off enough she should get the picture x

You can ask the HOY to separate them.
The other mum will find lots of other victims to harrass.
You and dd will have to work on some avoidance and shutting down strategies.
Don't share any information in future.

All this over a grammar school. What a loon. Distance yourselves as much as possible.

Oh, and when heeDD goes to the grammar make sure you remind her about her state school kidscomments.

How tiresome! I'd maybe start refusing to answer her questions with comparable answers and focus on how well and happy your daughter is. Hopefully without ammunition in terms of numbers, she'll decide that she is the better parent with the better daughter and leave you to a peaceful, happy life without her

This is where you block and delete. If you run into her you lost your phone

Repeat as needed.

Don't take her calls or respond to her messages, excuse yourself from in person interaction. Tell your daughter to reply to her daughter with something like "I'm meeting all my targets." Smile then walk away or change the subject.

@BigFatGiant : Its not just about the grammar school. Its about everything - her DD has to be the best at EVERYTHING. Anything her DD doesnt do is "useless". Needless to say her DD does a million activities. Competing with many other DDs all the time. This woman's life revolved around 11plus for 6 full years.

Also, she weirdly doesn't consider grammars as state schools. I corrected her several times, she just wont have it. She briefly considered sending her child to a private secondary.. Those few months were full on mud slinging at parents who chose grammars. Her words "they just care about money. Our daughters education is more important to us than saving money. We want the best for our kids".

Sounds awful but why have you let this “friendship” drag on for all these years when your daughters aren’t even in school together? Can’t you just drop her..... stop replying to texts, don’t pick up th phone, and if you see her do very breezy and brisk oh yes must meet for coffee I’ll text you but just don’t?

Definitely block from your phone. Hopefully when your dd starts in the school she will make friends with other kids and can keep her distance from this girl. Tell her she doesn't need to answer all those questions, in the same way that you don't have to answer the mother. Be vague, don't give any information as to what your dd is up to in school or outside of school. Don't get involved in sharing lifts for anything. Hopefully this woman will find another mother to badger or even someone who will be equally as competitive and they can thrive off each other.

This "friend" at this point was after my life for "collaboration". She wanted to know what we were doing. I told her our plans and strategy.

I'm sorry, but why would you do that?

Someone being "after" your "life" because "collaboration" purposes is seriously weird shit. It doesn't even make sense. What were you supposed to be collaborating about? Your whole lives? You already disliked her by this point!

There's always a point in these Single White Female stories where the heroine gives the creepy one, their money, or address book or the keys to the safe or something similarly trivial. That's how they end up dead!

@endofthelinefinally' : Can I really ask the school to separate them? Such a blessing. They have 3 classes in each year group.

@ColeHawlins: I have this big problem (hate to admit). I'm very helpful and I am too nice. I gave her the info because her daughter was going the 11plus too. I lose nothing by sharing info and helping others - will I ?

Yes, ask for them to be separated.

Totally ignore her, she is horrible.

Write to the head NOW and ask for your DD not to be put in the same class. If your DD is herself wishing she wasn't, then it's the least you can do. I've met parents like this and I find their attitudes disgusting. It's fine if being like that inside their own four walls is what gets them through their shitty judgy lives, but her attitude is and should be kept to herself.

I lose nothing by sharing info and helping others - will I ?

But you said "This "friend" at this point was after my life for "collaboration". She wanted to know what we were doing."

General information (the bus journey to the mixed sex grammar is tortuous), is different to your private plans.

The phrase "After my life" is honestly giving me shivers. And you responded by TELLING her stuff!

I hope to goodness you're trying out the plot for a novel on us.

If not, stop being nice, and actually start being unpleasant/frosty/curt with her.

@OhTheDramz: We saw them twice a week for shared activities until about mid Year3. Then just 1 activity. I met her every week for this until Y5. Her tutor(s) were the best acc to her. We refused to try them, so she started dismissing my tutor !! Her words " oh, I heard that tutor is rubbish". The tutor was lovely. She was perfect for DD and our pace.

I always thought of blocking her and shutting her out. I just thought it would be too rude. but I'm FED UP . I think I will block her now.

Wtf is a 'collaboration' in this context? 'Strategy'? The whole thing sounds bonkers

Different I suppose, as dd is in a massive 8 form entry bog standard secondary, but I requested before the start of yr7 that she be separated from a couple of girls from her primary, and they were happy to do this. Probably easier with 8 forms to play with though.

There no harm in making the request for class separation...but obviously you might not get it. And if you don't, then I think that you need to stop acting like you and your DD's world will fall apart.....it's a bit melodramatic tbh. You're still talking like a prep / junior school mum. I think you will find at secondary school the parent involvement is much more arms length - you'll drop off, pick up and that'll probably be it. Easy to avoid the people you don't like. Calm down.

Not quite the same situation as you but I know the type very well...
I've met one who tries to engage myself and my DD in a competition with herself and her dd who are in the same class at school(Yr3). She asks what book level my DD is on. Needs to know how many points she has.What her spelling test results were every week. It's draining. She also sends me updates every time her dd moves up a level on her reading book but wouldn't acknowledge any of my daughter's achievements and it even got to the point where she was texting me to tell me what she was making for dd's dinner and asking what my DD ate and making some kind of competitive out of that too.She would often invite herself and her rude DD over to our house after school and you could see them looking around and commenting on our routine. I got mightily sick of this and I now barely speak to her.
It seems to stem from low self-esteem and jealousy. My DD is a very happy child who enjoys lots of activities and has lots of friends. This other mother seemed to resent this and tried to undermine her by pitching her daughter against mine and trying to undermine us in any way possible even down to food choices!. She has, on the whole given up on us now. She's realized no one can compete with perfection. She's also sending her DD to a much better school than we've chosen for our DD ( Thank f*)

I spoke nicely, but I just hate her now.

This is you’re problem. She knows you hate her but put up with her shit, so she has you down as a pushover, don’t get me wrong op, I’ve been there, but I’ve learned you don’t have to be a fish wife to assert your boundaries.
There are polite ways of saying no, calling her out and shutting her down.

Just stay with the truth.
So to call her out when she starts slagging off your school say “that feels really rude considering my daughter gors to that school”
Or “that seems really rude my daughter goes there where are you getting your information from ?”

To shut her down say” I don’t want to talk about schools any more, as my choices always come out worst in your opinion “

She will probably use anger , or being offended as a response, but you know that what you are doing is right for you.
Or or on the other hand she might be used to people giving her the cold shoulder because she does sound quite vile !

I know it’s hard if you feel like you don’t know what to say, but it’s two rules. say what’s true and be polite.

She will more than likely to leave you alone after this because she is after all just using you.

Good luck with it

@Barrenfieldoffucks IKR?!

I'm really mesmerised by the sheer batshittery of this

@ColeHawlins: "after my life" was a bit of exaggeration. What I meant was relentless requests for coffee/meeting with a sole purpose.

The info I shared was about open days, how one school suits my daughter better than the other. How we plan to prepare for the test etc.

I agree about asking for them to be kept apart. The move to the new school will be a good opportunity for you to break away from this situation. I know that I had to fill in a form with information about my DCs when they moved to secondary schools and there was a section for this kind of thing - I think a lot of people make this sort of request for various reasons. I would then block the mother on your phone as she sounds incredibly annoying.