AIBU to be completely fed up with this crazy woman and her DD

[RedRose3]

Hi all,
Long story. I met a woman at my daughter's school open day. We got talking and then became "friends". It was more of convenience friendship for both of us. Our kids did many activities together and we shared pickups and drop offs. She moved her daughter to a prep school in Year1 for grammar school focus and has absolutely nagged me to death several times to move my DD - going on and on about now lovely the new school is. It felt quite premature at that point to send my DD to a hot housing school without knowing her true potential. We loved our state school so we continued there. We still did some activities together. I heard a lot of criticism about "state school kids" from her over the years but I chose to ignore it.. Another big problem with this woman is her attitude. Whatever she touches is gold. Her kids are best, her profession is the best, her house is the best. She is VERY dismissive about others choices. (For example: DD is sporty - She made comments several times to say sports are useless). I find it very annoying. We slowly distanced ourselves from them and did our own thing

Fast forward to Year5, 11 plus preps in full swing. Her DD went to numerous tutors. We tried some tutors and settled with a tutor who had a calmer approach. This "friend" at this point was after my life for "collaboration". She wanted to know what we were doing. I told her our plans and strategy. I told her about our target schools and why we think they were suitable for our DD. She said she gathered some resources from another parent from school and would share them with me. I asked twice but I got shitty excuses (lost them, cant find them etc). So, the collaboration was all about getting info from me but not sharing anything. Through out 11plus prep time, whenever and whereever we met, her DD had only competitive questions for my DD. How much did you get in that paper? What level are you at swimming? What level in Piano? This woman also went behind my back and checked with common friends what I was upto.

Many many times I felt like asking this woman to shut up and get lost. I just kept distance and ignored. DD got into a local grammar and guess what, her DD will be going there too :( This woman started calling me again. COLLABORATION shit. How our grammar is the best, the other grammar is just crap (its a brill school , I know children who are happy there - it just didnt feel right for my DD). I spoke nicely, but I just hate her now. Last week my DD met her DD at a park. (I wasnt there, she went there for a play date after school with another child and her mum). and guess what, the ONLY things her DD asked mine were "What was your 11plus score, what level at swimming and whats level at piano. What other activites are you doing and what levels". DD is fed up and felt quit. I am going mad. I cant put up with this shit all through school now.

Anyone met insanely competitive and selfish people like this woman? How to ignore her? We aren't competitive , we don't push our kids. (Some people do, we respect their choice - we all do whats best for our kids) We just encourage our children to do their best. DD is terrified of having this girl in her class. Its not the child's fault, she was raised that way, but the whole thing is a BIG PITA long term. I hate confrontations, but one more shit talk, i might smack her.

I had someone like this in the playground at my daughter's school. She'd identified my daughter as a threat in the reading stakes and would come over to quiz me on which books she was on. It drove me mad. It only ended when I said, "Oh I didn't realise your daughter's birthday is in December. She's six months older than mine, then. Odd they're on the same books, isn't it?" I know it was bitchy but it did the trick - she never spoke to me again. Job done.

oh dear.

My DD is 7 and I met someone like this at music centre recently...it was all about what her DD (also 7) was doing in a million activities, I was likely grey rock about a few things, but eventually got bored and started returning fire a little. After 30 mins of banging on about her DD's score in all the entrance exams for various schools she eventually got around to ask where my DD was at school...and the answer I gave (which is true) was 'my DD is home-educated. We made the decision because I work in higher education and I believe the over testing that happens in schools is killing the mental resilience and creativity of a whole generation of children.'

Needless to say this killed the conversation entirely and she's barely said two words to me since.

If she does ever talk to me again I'll drop in that DD is into solving simultaneous equations at the moment...because she is - even if she can barely write her own name yet...

I knew someone like this and had a similar situation to yours, op, for quite a while and it was hell. I can't offer any advice beyond saying I really understand how you feel, and I'm really sorry you're going through all this.
It started slowly, but got more and more out of control over the years. My way out was stopping giving any information to feed the competitiveness. It was very awkward to directly answer "What grade did yours get in their exam?" with "I'm not sure. They did okay probably", and it made me look very uncaring about my children's schoolwork (!) but it did then eventually end in her moving on to people more willing to compete.

We had someone like this in our baby group, and it was very wearing. She was a nice person underneath, and you could see all the constant comparisons came from insecurity.
At least five of them ended up in the same secondary school though, so none of that early precociousness made a difference

I think you must be at the same school! seriously - one parent last year had four tutors for their child (english language / creative writing / maths / 11+) and hired a PR agency to write the personal statement for school application. Said child was in pool at 6am and doing sports / homework / tutoring every night after school. The rebellion will be astonishing when it happens.

Take comfort - parents never have to see each other at 2ndary so you can ignore happily.

I quite like "we don't do competitive parenting," as a response, and I don't think it is particularly rude.
I hope you managed to ring the senior school, and got a satisfactory response.
Also, make sure DD knows what to say when the girl inevitably grills her after, say, the first lot of tests.

Her poor DD. Is she allowed to do anything for herself or is it all for her mums benefit. What a ridiculous pressure to put on a child. I don’t blame you for wanting you to keep your Dd away.

I feel for you OP.

I had a neighbour like this....always going on about how much they were spending on the house etc

We then had babies 3 months apart,mine being the oldest.
Her daughter walked at 10 months old,my son was very late.

Everyday when I left the house she would open her front door and say is he not walking yet....our Natalie has been walking since 10 months old....I just started replying yes I know you tell me everyday......a couple of months later I got fed up and said is that all you can talk about,its very boring.....think she got the hint but luckily we moved a year later,would have hated for our kids to be at the same school

You need to perfect the tinkly laugh plus deflection techniques every time she asks about your daughter's scores or activities, e.g. "Goodness me, at this age I don't micromanage DD's test scores, surely you don't either?" or a simple response along the lines that you really don't bother to remember all those details. Teach your DD to do the same if her DD is asking.

This is a good opportunity for you and dd to develop some life skills in holding your own boundaries.

If someone asks you a question you do not need to answer the question unless you want to. Practise with each other how the deal with unwanted questions.

Also as others have said secondary school is very different from primary schools in that you don't generally see other parents at all unless you actively choose to as the dc do things independently.

This woman is weird. I agree with the "why do you want to know?! " line of questioning. Polite but says "back off". I would also avoid her and her calls etc. Or a simple "I really don't want to talk about this anymore, please stop asking me and dd about it." Then repeat x 1 million.

OMG I just read your whole thread and I had a friend like this in school (we don't have the grammar system here) In the year 6 sats we both got 554 her mum couldn't stand that I had got a 5 in science when her DD had a 4 so told her to lie and say she got 555 not knowing I had seen the slip when they were handed out at school! It was always a competition with her and we weren't interested in playing in the end the competitive academic nature has lead her to building no life skills and struggling socially!

I read this whilst waiting for my youngest to come out of 11+ tutoring.

I know parents like this, I really feel for her dd. How on earth will she cope in the real world, what on earth will it do to her mental health. How will mum cope if her dd is not top - which is quite likely given how clever some of those kids are.

Make it clear to your dd that she doesn’t have to be friends, polite and courteous, but she doesn’t have to be friends with her.

Tell you daughter to always answer: I don't know, don't care, don't remember, I stopped because I am too dumb/teacher said I had no future, am useless So should you actually

This type of people are too stubborn and strong opinionated and will not listen.

Or next time you are asked for information remind her that she never came back to you about 11+. She will bring up some excuse and then you say cheekily "when you give me your info I will give you mine". Or try to take massive offense at anything that she criticises and might have anything to do with you e.g. state schooled children like your daughter, tell her that you find this incredibly offensive

You have had some answers already here that are great. Love the “we don’t do competitive parenting” quote. Just think about how much money you have saved sending your DD to a state school! You could always tot it up and that DD mainly got in on her own merit. Grammar schools are not for everyone at all. Some kids are tutored so much to get in that they sink once there as no more help......it makes me sad that sometimes people are fixated on the school and not where their child will do their best.
Yes, you can request the HOY to separate them and you won’t see this woman at the school Gates every day.
Shut her down and remind her that your child went to a state primary so she had way less practice so just think what score she would have got if she’d had all the extra!! Still ended up
In the same place! 😂.
Good luck in deleting and blocking!

Aw, you missed out on the fun where you got to ask where said kid was going if they failed. Prep school kids usually end up in State School if they fail. I did State School route and had faith school comprehensive option if grammar school was a non option.

Grammar schools are huge places and its easy to avoid people. It's not like KS2 so you really don't do playdates or playground pick ups which means you don't even have to interact even if your kids are friends. I've met dd best friend's Mum once and none of her other friends'. Don't worry about September. If your dd wants to avoid hers, you could ask they be in separate teaching groups. These tend to be based on prior schools so the kids can use what they've already learnt (Hothouse kids tend to know certain stuff only, state ones have broader knowledge) so your dd will be with kids from her school anyway.

Hope that's reassuring!

Friends make you happy and you enjoy their company.

This woman seems to do the opposite.
Distance yourself from her
She seems toxic, I feel sorry for her daughter.
Good wishes.x

Just a question: when did parents - particularly mothers, I fear - become so batshit? I'm pretty sure we didn't have all this crap when I was growing up (I'm 50). Or maybe it went over my mother's head.

Went to grammar, personally without any tuition. So many parents like this, thankfully not mine. So many mental health problems imo caused by excessive parental pressure/expectation. Forcing that education really isn’t doing ur kids any favours. People at comps get 10 A*s too

Why are you still entertaining this woman & stressing over her behaviour (caused entirely by her insecurities & fears) after all these years of nonsense from her? Why are you giving her so much power. Why are you trying to compete?

Your DD has of course picked up & absorbed all your negative emotions & is following your lead.

Instead of showing your DD that this side-show of this lunatic woman & her DD, whom she’s created in her likeness, should be ignored, you have given them your attention, your energy & you have created an issue.

Your DD is looking to you for example, for guidance & for the skills to deal with people like this.

You are a wonderful parent. You know what’s right. You dictate how you want to engage with this sad woman. Or not. And your DD will follow your example.

OP you are ridiculously over complicating your life.

Move on.

Just block and ignore. And I agree with PPs that you should ask for your DD to be in a different class from hers. This woman sounds awful.

Couldn’t you just snap OP and say to the next thing she asks “I’ve no idea and your doing my head in with all these questions” that’d end it.

I only met one woman like this at DS school and I’m not sure how bad she had the potential to be because I just said ok to her gushing and refused to be drawn in. They had moved schools as her DD hadn’t got on due to jealousy of the other dc. No it was because both this woman and her DD were insufferable. I know it wasn’t the kids fault, its all she knew. I was stuck on the sweet stall with her at the school disco so was captive.