AIBU to be completely fed up with this crazy woman and her DD

[RedRose3]

Hi all,
Long story. I met a woman at my daughter's school open day. We got talking and then became "friends". It was more of convenience friendship for both of us. Our kids did many activities together and we shared pickups and drop offs. She moved her daughter to a prep school in Year1 for grammar school focus and has absolutely nagged me to death several times to move my DD - going on and on about now lovely the new school is. It felt quite premature at that point to send my DD to a hot housing school without knowing her true potential. We loved our state school so we continued there. We still did some activities together. I heard a lot of criticism about "state school kids" from her over the years but I chose to ignore it.. Another big problem with this woman is her attitude. Whatever she touches is gold. Her kids are best, her profession is the best, her house is the best. She is VERY dismissive about others choices. (For example: DD is sporty - She made comments several times to say sports are useless). I find it very annoying. We slowly distanced ourselves from them and did our own thing

Fast forward to Year5, 11 plus preps in full swing. Her DD went to numerous tutors. We tried some tutors and settled with a tutor who had a calmer approach. This "friend" at this point was after my life for "collaboration". She wanted to know what we were doing. I told her our plans and strategy. I told her about our target schools and why we think they were suitable for our DD. She said she gathered some resources from another parent from school and would share them with me. I asked twice but I got shitty excuses (lost them, cant find them etc). So, the collaboration was all about getting info from me but not sharing anything. Through out 11plus prep time, whenever and whereever we met, her DD had only competitive questions for my DD. How much did you get in that paper? What level are you at swimming? What level in Piano? This woman also went behind my back and checked with common friends what I was upto.

Many many times I felt like asking this woman to shut up and get lost. I just kept distance and ignored. DD got into a local grammar and guess what, her DD will be going there too :( This woman started calling me again. COLLABORATION shit. How our grammar is the best, the other grammar is just crap (its a brill school , I know children who are happy there - it just didnt feel right for my DD). I spoke nicely, but I just hate her now. Last week my DD met her DD at a park. (I wasnt there, she went there for a play date after school with another child and her mum). and guess what, the ONLY things her DD asked mine were "What was your 11plus score, what level at swimming and whats level at piano. What other activites are you doing and what levels". DD is fed up and felt quit. I am going mad. I cant put up with this shit all through school now.

Anyone met insanely competitive and selfish people like this woman? How to ignore her? We aren't competitive , we don't push our kids. (Some people do, we respect their choice - we all do whats best for our kids) We just encourage our children to do their best. DD is terrified of having this girl in her class. Its not the child's fault, she was raised that way, but the whole thing is a BIG PITA long term. I hate confrontations, but one more shit talk, i might smack her.

That poor little girl under so much pressure. Can't even talk properly to other children, she's missing her childhood :(

Block her and if she comes over to witter at you tell her that her daughter can go to all the best schools in the world but she’ll still have her mother’s neurotic genes dragging her down. Then walk off. And tell your daughter to reply to her daughter “can’t you think of something more interesting to talk about?” if she gets more questions. Seriously I hope the school puts them in different classes.

She said that laughing and saying 'oh, we don't really do competitive parenting' gets rid of them.

😂 I will remember this one! She's probably very insecure but that's no excuse to be rude. I would call her out on it next time she disses your choices (if you haven't managed to shake her off before that).

I know my suggestion sounded rude but this woman has been rude for 6 years! Even to the point of getting her dd involved. And it's a shame if she's insecure but she knows what she is doing. It isn't nice whether you are insecure or not to intentionally make someone else feel bad to make yourself feel better and superior. I think a bit of a rude response is what she needs to hear. Maybe it'll make her think and stop putting all that crap on her DD.

You need a stock of responses .

We are very proud of her
She is where we expect her to be
We aren’t so crass as to discuss results
Lol shall I get teachers to send you a copy of her reports
Whatever you feel comfortable saying . Remember it’s ok to make her feel uncomfortable

All that money on a private prep school and she ends up in the same state school as your dd.

Surely given her previous comments on state education she would have gone private

@showmethegin I didn't mean you! CF competitive parent woman was being rude and had no excuse to be.

I really struggle with throwing appropriate responses at her on the spot. My mum was so strict about manners while growing up, I find it bloody impossible to be rude. I must change this about me. Someone suggested I have a list of responses ready - that’s a great idea.

Blocked her on my phone and WhatsApp. I’ll speak to the school today. Will keep you all updated.

Thanks a lot everyone.

Maybe try "oh, I'm so bored of talking about school stuff with people. What have you been up to? Where did you get that dress? Have you heard about X in the news? Have you been on holiday?" If you're really desperate you could even ask her about Brexit. That one is not for the faint hearted lol...

Ultimately she sounds like a very different person to you and you should just avoid her. Since your DD didn't have fun with her DD the last time they were together it sounds like you won't have much reason to continue the "friendship". The great thing about secondary school is the kids become more independent and there won't be much in the way of forced playdates/activities - if the girls aren't a match personalitywise then they will end up with different friend groups. Especially since your DD is sporty and the other mum thinks they are beneath her DD. That will set them on different social paths.

Fingers crossed that your daughters move onto new mates and you don't have to put up with her mum anymore...

The one in DS's class has a little notebook that she uses to compare her son to his classmates. Reading levels, test scores, current reading book etc it all goes in there

How do they even have time for this shit? I wouldn’t tell you want my dd had for dinner last night let alone what reading level her and her friends are at

just tell her bullshit...
what level is she on... she on a higher plain and conventional grades just stifle her creativity
what was her mark on xyz... she got eleventy hundred!!! fuck i was so proud ELEVENTY HUNDRED!!!!!
whats she doing to prep for xyz.... nothing we are going to a Eminem concert the night before the test so we are going to just say fuck it and wing it

shit like that, she will think you have gone mad and try to avoid you in case its catching

What gets me is the sheer futility of it all. Even if she compares everyone in your class, or even dchool year; that's a drop in the ocean compared to the amount of people they will be competing against when it gets to applying for oxford/cambridge.

She could be smugly thinking her daughter
Is the best in her year but what if she is in a particularly academically ungifted year (no offence OP )?

She's teaching her daughter to look around and see rivals not friends, and if she talks to other kids like she does your dd she won't make any either, so pointless and sad.

Sorry @Aria999 I didn't mean it as a response to your message but it did make me realise it might have been a bit of a rude response so just explaining it 😊

Yup. Best thing Is to put in boundaries and ignore!

I would wind her up to be honest!

She is clearly a fruit loop so would play her at her own game.
Next time you see her I would announce that "Matilda has taken up archery and mandarin" and refuse to engage in any more details. She will be going mad that her dd is "missing out" on these. Actually would be better to choose something that doesn't even exist in your area, have a quick google.
If she tells you that her dd is joining too then smile and say nothing.
These types are the type I love to hate.

My exsil used to invite children for play dates so she could rifle through their bags and see what reading books they were on and compare. She was a nasty piece of work!

You just came up with your best line in one of your posts to shut this down: “We aren't competitive , we don't push our kids...... We just encourage our children to do their best”
Any more questions and repeat this, maybe with a “well, let’s allow them to just be kids, eh?”. Then you can look at her like you don’t understand and she’s nuts and laugh a little while shaking your head.

Also quote, “comparison is the thief of joy” at her when she asks about your daughter’s grades.

Oh dear God, this reminds me of a mum at our local secondary. She was always competitive and when it became obvious that my DD was brainier, the mum encouraged her DD to pick on my daughter.
They found out she was a bit autistic and teased her about it!
Cut off all ties with them, but the DD was still at the same school.
The teachers kept their lessons apart.
Turns out that the 'mad competitive woman' turned her DD into a nasty piece of work. When she didn't get what she wanted, she would make accusations.
Got a poor lad in deep trouble in year 11, by lying that he had raped her!
Evil!

@Zoflorabore: You have no clue! They traveled 25 miles 1 way every week for 3 years for one activity - just because she decided the teacher was the best. They do another activity 10 miles away. Her weekends are ONLY about activities. Her poor DD.

@Tensixtysix : OH-MY-GOD !!

My "friend" definitely has those traits. There is a boy who got into a very prestigious super selective school. This woman HATED IT. How dare someone else do so well !! He is 1 year older to the woman's DD. They were at a birthday party and the boy was accused of touching her DD inappropriately. I heard the boys were playing rough and it was an accident. The boy apologised straightaway, but they created a big scene. He didn't even know what he did! The parents were terrified. There were witnesses and they calmed everyone down. It was definitely an accident. The boy is very well behaved.

This incident stayed with me. My 3yr old nephew is very playful. Recently he bum-pinched my DSIL and she told him off. I stood there thinking - hope he doesnt do this again, hope no one accuses him doing something evil when he does something innocently. Its so sad.

Oh dear. She sounds very stressed about the whole private/grammar/state school thing. If it bothers her so much I’m sure she can find a private school that will take her daughter. Problem solved! I would show her sympathy and encourage her to do that. I don’t think she’s cut out for anything else.

Though she’s probably drive most mums nuts there too after a time.

I know exactly the type! Don't engage. If you bump into her, smile and wave - don't engage. Tell your DS to do the same. Ask for your daughter to be put into a different class. Try not to worry - once school starts there will be so many kids and parents it'll be easier to avoid. This silly woman can find new victims.

If she's really persistent you may have to spell it out and say you find the comparisons unnecessary and and your family wish to be left out of it.

Some people are such dicks.

It's so sad when people like the parent turn the kid into an equally competitive arseholes. We know a family where mum and 3 kids are obsessively competitive about everything (oh grandparents too - 3 generations) and unfortunately we see them everywhere. They also massively suck up to teachers and are a very popular family which makes it even more irritating.

I do wonder what family life is like though. Do they ever just chill and have a laugh? How will their egos cope if / when one day they have difficulties of any kind.

She sounds awful. Though if her daughter has been tutored and hot-housed as much as you say you can take consolation from the fact that as time goes on she’s likely to become out of her depth at grammar school!

My experiences of grammars has been that it quite quickly becomes apparent who has been hot-housed beyond their natural abilities and who is just ‘naturally’ bright!