AIBU to be completely fed up with this crazy woman and her DD

[RedRose3]

Hi all,
Long story. I met a woman at my daughter's school open day. We got talking and then became "friends". It was more of convenience friendship for both of us. Our kids did many activities together and we shared pickups and drop offs. She moved her daughter to a prep school in Year1 for grammar school focus and has absolutely nagged me to death several times to move my DD - going on and on about now lovely the new school is. It felt quite premature at that point to send my DD to a hot housing school without knowing her true potential. We loved our state school so we continued there. We still did some activities together. I heard a lot of criticism about "state school kids" from her over the years but I chose to ignore it.. Another big problem with this woman is her attitude. Whatever she touches is gold. Her kids are best, her profession is the best, her house is the best. She is VERY dismissive about others choices. (For example: DD is sporty - She made comments several times to say sports are useless). I find it very annoying. We slowly distanced ourselves from them and did our own thing

Fast forward to Year5, 11 plus preps in full swing. Her DD went to numerous tutors. We tried some tutors and settled with a tutor who had a calmer approach. This "friend" at this point was after my life for "collaboration". She wanted to know what we were doing. I told her our plans and strategy. I told her about our target schools and why we think they were suitable for our DD. She said she gathered some resources from another parent from school and would share them with me. I asked twice but I got shitty excuses (lost them, cant find them etc). So, the collaboration was all about getting info from me but not sharing anything. Through out 11plus prep time, whenever and whereever we met, her DD had only competitive questions for my DD. How much did you get in that paper? What level are you at swimming? What level in Piano? This woman also went behind my back and checked with common friends what I was upto.

Many many times I felt like asking this woman to shut up and get lost. I just kept distance and ignored. DD got into a local grammar and guess what, her DD will be going there too :( This woman started calling me again. COLLABORATION shit. How our grammar is the best, the other grammar is just crap (its a brill school , I know children who are happy there - it just didnt feel right for my DD). I spoke nicely, but I just hate her now. Last week my DD met her DD at a park. (I wasnt there, she went there for a play date after school with another child and her mum). and guess what, the ONLY things her DD asked mine were "What was your 11plus score, what level at swimming and whats level at piano. What other activites are you doing and what levels". DD is fed up and felt quit. I am going mad. I cant put up with this shit all through school now.

Anyone met insanely competitive and selfish people like this woman? How to ignore her? We aren't competitive , we don't push our kids. (Some people do, we respect their choice - we all do whats best for our kids) We just encourage our children to do their best. DD is terrified of having this girl in her class. Its not the child's fault, she was raised that way, but the whole thing is a BIG PITA long term. I hate confrontations, but one more shit talk, i might smack her.

Do neither of you have distractions like careers? It's all very dramatic.

Imitation is the biggest form of flattery OP. Clearly your laid back parenting style is a class act!

I'm very helpful and I am too nice

Whenever anyone describes themselves as the OP has done here it invariably turns out that the opposite is the case

@Bluemerchant : We are talking about the SAME woman!!

Just don't engage with it anymore. Make it clear you don't live your life around the school system, desperate for your child to be #1. She isn't a friend, she's a pain in the arse. She'll find another person to go on at.

@ColeHawlins : We both do. I don't know what this has to do with careers?

I think I will just cut her off and block her on my phone. I will also ask the school to separate them. Its worth a try.

I have to talk to DD about handling questions from her/her dd.

It all just sounds very time consuming, and so easily avoided if you don't want to be sucked in.

When DC1 was in Year R, the pushy mum tried to lay claim to me in the playground; "Your Jacob is good at X isn't he? So is my Charlie. They should bounce off each other!" "What Reading level is Jake on now? Charlie has just gone up to RED!"

Three incidents of me laughing and saying that I didn't know/care/remember or couldn't be arsed and she was gone.

You've been feeding this for six years and now you seem confused that it's still going on.

It’s not going to get better as you head towards 16/18 exams and university places, I’d block her as you’ve years more of it left. I’m ‘too nice’ but it’s mostly a failure to set proper boundaries and reacting to other people’s emotions before my own and I’ve taught that to my dd, we are both trying to backpeddle and think about what we agree to, whether it’s in our interests.

Have a think about why you’ve let her do this for years and whether your dd does the same with her friend.

It’s a good learning opportunity for both of you on managing toxic friendships and emoting various strategies with pushy people. Plenty of pushy people in the world who won’t think twice if you agree to something.

I would tell your dd to say something along the lines of

“Is that all you can talk about”

If she is feeling particularly brave or really pissed off

“I am glad I didn’t go to your school if all you can talk about are grades and test results”

I have a bit of a streak of this myself unfortunately and it’s all about insecurity...: she’s obviously decided you’re the type of person she wants to emulate, the right sort and instead of having the confidence to forge her own path she’s checking all her actions against yours to see if they measure up. You and your DD are the role models. It sounds unbearable for you though and I’d have no compunction in just stopping contact

She really does sound a few sheep short in the top paddock.

I'd definitely go the blocking and requesting separation in classes route.

And when she tried to engage, just saying something like, 'really not wanting to discuss that with you, thanks. Got to go now, bye.'

I'd also be telling my daughter to do the same thing - don't give them ammo or oxygen.

Block her, be non-commital and ask the school to put her in a different class. I had a similar problem and found it really quite easy to avoid the hideous woman.

That's a shit load of crazy, right there.

As far as your DD goes, I think the main thing to stress to her is that she doesn't have to answer any questions she doesn't want to answer but not making a big deal about the other girl being the one who is asking. To put too much emphasis on "If XXX asks you about school/piano/activity, don't tell her anything" might lead to your DD actively disliking this girl and this might lead to other 'schoolyard' problems. I'd also actively encourage other friendships that would take your DD out of this girl's (and thus her mother's ) sphere.

And yes to blocking this nosy woman. And if she approaches with her questions say "Why on earth are you asking that?".

My grammar school organised the three classes alphabetically so with a surname beginning with 'P' I was in the third alphabetical class (P-Z). Hopefully your daughter and this girl will be in different classes. having said that once they get to GCSE the classes all mix as the division is by subject so they may end up in the same classes if they choose the same options. Good luck. I'm not competitive and disliked the whole 'what did you score in that test/exam' but i'm sure that goes on in all schools. All the best.

So you let this woman run down all of your choices, your daughter and your life for six years? Pfft.

There was one of these in DD's class, I had great fun pretending to not understand her questions and being evasive until she gave up around Yr1. Then she sent her son to question DD and I put a stop to that. Finally her flying monkeys (other parents) were dispatched. She got no information out of me, that was none of her business. The last interaction I had with her was in year 6 when she stormed up to me in the playground and accused me of lying about DD's ability because she got a higher 11+ score than her son. Apparently he had come home in tears about it, having overheard her telling a friend and it was my fault for not being honest about DD.

The one in DS's class has a little notebook that she uses to compare her son to his classmates. Reading levels, test scores, current reading book etc it all goes in there. She showed it to me because she thought I would be interested, I'm afraid my response was laughter and rolled eyes, followed by complete avoidance in the playground.

Why would you give this woman so much airtime? Especially when she is so rude about your life and your daughter? You need to teach your daughter to say things like "why on earth do you want to know that?" "I am really happy with my score" "I don't really remember" and to change the subject.

It really does sound as if this situation requires a "Will you just fuck off, for the love of god!" said loudly and in an exasperated tone .

Sorry OP, if you were able to do that you'd never be in this situation. Asking the school to separate the girls and blocking her on your phone is a start. But she WILL approach you face-to-face, and that is where my suggested phrase may have a place ...

Op in the nicest possible way grow a pair and politely tell the woman you don't like her so No longer want to continue. the pretence of friends. She sounds fucking awful

You both sound like pushy parents to me. Tutors?

This appears to be the same woman time travelling and having multiple children because she was indeed my neighbour in our claustrophobic village for several years and as well as doing every single thing you mention above OP she also caused arguments with all the other neighbours, was a huge Wendy basically taking over my life and was in charge of the PTA. In the end I removed my kids from the village primary school (not down to her but it was a bonus) and eventually she moved.

Everyone thought she was wonderful. I feel for you OP, but you must protect yourself and your DD now and go NC.

I have to talk to DD about handling questions from her/her dd.

I were your DD I'd just ask "why do you want to know?" every. single. time. I reckon she'll be cured in a day.

^Tutors?

Completely normal in some areas, considering everything in the eleven plus is a higher level than they will have been taught at school by then, or they won't have been taught it at all. Considering I as a post-grad educated professional struggle with some aspects of the practice papers, tutoring seems a good idea.

I think I'd keep this woman around , I'd find her absolutely hilarious. Though I'd make sure my daughter wasn't in the same class as hers if possible.

Rest assured - at secondary school you will never ever see or speak to another parent - its bliss.