Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be sick of women being made to feel uncool for feeling insecure about their husbands female friends?

482 replies

Alphabetsoup4 · 21/03/2019 12:42

Is it just me?

There are often threads here from women, girlfriends, wives who have husbands who have a ‘close female friend’ and are exclusive of the wife/gf. Often they get told on MN that they are jealous, insecure and controlling for feeling uncomfortable.

Isn’t this a case of other women being a bit misogynistic towards a poster feeling insecure?

Why on earth is it ‘cool’ to be oh so fine with your man having as many close female relationships as he likes?

And why is it assumed that cheating only ever happens because the man is going to cheat anyway, it’s hard wired? That it doesn’t matter whether they have female friendships are not.

I don’t understand and I think we are in danger of putting ourselves down as women telling others not to trust their instincts.

Why aren’t healthy boundaries cool? I think that they are.

That’s not to say that opposite sex friendships are banned, but there is a healthy balance.

Unless a woman is being very jealous, not letting her partner look at another woman etc, then I’d say 90% of these posts are from women who really are being disrespected and demeaned by their partners.

Just feel a bit depressed to see so many women be put down for this!

OP posts:
Floralhousecoat · 21/03/2019 12:48

I agree op. Sometimes people cheat because the opportunity is there. I think greater boundaries around these friendships are needed to protect marriages and relationships.

NoooorthonerMum · 21/03/2019 12:53

I've never seen that on MN. I would always be kind to a poster feeling insecure but I do think it would be controlling to object to your husband having female friends. If course that doesn't mean people don't cheat and a woman who has suspicions about a particular friend might not have a reason to worry.

AFPH123 · 21/03/2019 12:53

A lot of men cheat because the opportunity presents itself.

There is a fine line between boundaries and control though.

BigFatGiant · 21/03/2019 12:55

It’s not misogyny. Insecurity is unattractive in both sexes. People naturally admire those who are confident.

BigFatGiant · 21/03/2019 12:57

I would also like to point out that notdictatingtoyoud partner they can and cannot be friends with is a healthy boundary.

BarbarianMum · 21/03/2019 12:57

Personally I dont let my husband choose my friends, male or female. I also don't think expect to choose his. If I cant trust him to act appropriately with a friend then we'd clearly have a serious problem.

I think people who want the right of veto over their partners friendships are controlling and better off avoided. So yes I think YABU.

stevie69 · 21/03/2019 13:01

Sometimes people cheat because the opportunity is there

And some of us don't Blush

Original poster
Alphabetsoup4 · 21/03/2019 13:02

I wouldn’t consider it a fine line between boundaries and control.

I think there is a huge big gap between them.

For example a couple who have no outside friends I would consider unhealthy. They don’t have boundaries between each other.

Having lots of healthy interests and friends, as a couple, is healthy isn’t it?

Having exclusive opposite sex close friendships. Where you talk about your relationships. Where there is an ego boost. And making your partner feel they are jealous if they say it irks them. That’s not healthy.

OP posts:
Dairyqueen2 · 21/03/2019 13:03

Having a friend of the opposite sex is fine. Having cosy meetings with them where she cries on his shoulder about various issues about her relationship and her own partner is not. Angry I've been bitten in this way when previously I was completely happy go lucky and relaxes about my partner and his female friends. If things get too intimate it can spell trouble. Danger signs are if they are doing anything at all in secret or discussing things that they would not want you to overhear. Women suspicious of their OH's close friendship with women have my, regrettable, support Sad

Dairyqueen2 · 21/03/2019 13:04

Alphabet soup- I hear you.

Stawp · 21/03/2019 13:05

I made it clear from the get go with my husband that I'm not the mythical cool girl and I will never pretend to be.

Original poster
Alphabetsoup4 · 21/03/2019 13:05

To those that have close opposite friendships and are in a relationship.

Do you just reserve the right to do exactly what you want and would leave your relationship if your partner said they were uncomfortable?

I might be wrong, but I guess that you probably do have some boundaries within your close opposite sex friendships? Like not being too intimate? Not moaning about your relationship? Not excluding your DP from the friendship at least some of the time?

OP posts:
americandream · 21/03/2019 13:06

YANBU. But I don't believe for a second, that these women would be OK with it.

I also find it very strange how these female 'friends' of a married man, are never friends with the wife too. In fact, they don't know her, and generally don't want to know her.

I question the motives and morals of a woman who is BFFs with a married man, and the motives and morals of the married man who is BFFs with a female who has never even met his wife.

It's highly disrespectful, and frankly quite weird that men have a female BFF that their wife doesn't know.

cariadlet · 21/03/2019 13:06

I'd say that if a woman is generally happy with her boyfriend/partner/husband having good female friends but is having a bad feeling about one particular woman then it suggests that her instincts are trying to tell her something.

But there are sometimes women posting who seem to be uncomfortable with their partner having a good friendship with any woman. To me, that is a sign of insecurity, a desire to control or both. I'd say the same about a man not wanting his female partner to have a good friendship with another man.

9thCircleInHell · 21/03/2019 13:06

Yeah I used to be a "cool wife". Didn't bat an eye when he was out with friends, stayed at his mates after a night out, went on a lads holiday pre marriage and kids but I trusted him. Used to be smug at all the insecure girlfriends/wives that used to freak out about porn or lap dances. Because I knew 100% that he wasn't the type to stray, that I knew him since we were 12 and with all our history I was so confident our marriage was going to go the distance.

Then it all came out, he been banging some coke head whore work colleague who's husband was a heroin addict. That all his money was going up his nose as well. That I never really knew him at all as he hid all this for god knows how long as he knew I would never be with a cheat or drug taker. 17 years down the toilet.

I suppose it was my karma for being a smug married cool wife. Now I just hope the cunt dies.

Original poster
Alphabetsoup4 · 21/03/2019 13:07

Having a friend of the opposite sex is fine. Having cosy meetings with them where she cries on his shoulder about various issues about her relationship and her own partner is not. yes I’d agree.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alphabetsoup4 · 21/03/2019 13:07

@9thcircle sorry that sounds so shocking Sad

OP posts:
americandream · 21/03/2019 13:08

Having a friend of the opposite sex is fine. Having cosy meetings with them where she cries on his shoulder about various issues about her relationship and her own partner is not on.

This. Highly inappropriate and very wrong. Some men love this though, because it makes them feel 'needed' and 'special' and lets him puff his big old chest out, and to hell with how shit it makes his wife feel. And the woman in question (who he's consoling) doesn't give a fuck about his wife. Why should she anyway? She doesn't even know her!

Original poster
Alphabetsoup4 · 21/03/2019 13:09

I also find it very strange how these female 'friends' of a married man, are never friends with the wife too. In fact, they don't know her, and generally don't want to know her.
Yes this is a red flag. For me anyway.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 21/03/2019 13:12

Why aren’t healthy boundaries cool? I think that they are

Your version of “healthy boundaries” might be another person’s controlling.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 21/03/2019 13:13

If your boundary is that you need to dictate to your partner who they can or can't be friends with then yes that is controlling. It goes both ways, see lots of threads where women say their partner is insecure about their male friends too.

I guess it works for some people but I have always had mixed circles of friends and have always had close male friends, trust goes both ways so I extend the same level of trust to my partner as I expect him to extend to me. I really don't get the people who think you can't have opposite sex friends when you are in a relationship.

JacquesHammer · 21/03/2019 13:14

Ooops posted too soon!

For me it’s not about what’s “cool” or “not cool”. It’s about what works for you in a relationship.

I wouldn’t have been comfortable putting restrictions on my ex’s friendships, and wouldn’t have expected him to do the same. As it was we both had friends of the opposite sex who were supportive through a break up - I’m certainly glad he had someone to confide in Smile

americandream · 21/03/2019 13:15

OPs point proven ^

AnguasDogCollar · 21/03/2019 13:18

It's nothing to do with being "cool". It's to do with not thinking I have the right to control DHs friendships, any more than he has the right to control mine.

People who are going to cheat will cheat, regardless of whether they've been "forbidden" from having opposite sex friendships. If you don't think your spouse can control themself then that's something you should accept when you get together with someone- it's not like you can ban them from all opposite sex contact.

I've met people (men and women) who see any member of the opposite sex to their spouse as a threat. This is usually a big indicator of a problem in the relationship- either lack of trust or over cobtrolling.

Original poster
Alphabetsoup4 · 21/03/2019 13:19

But all relationships come with restrictions don’t they?

Even open relationships would probably ask that you practised safe sex with other lovers. And things change of course in a relationship, otherwise it wouldn’t be a relationship. You ask DP to stop putting his clothes on the floor, he asked you to stop leaving toothpaste in the sink. Full of restrictions really but also the gains.

When did we get so weird about any restrictions = controlling insecurities? Aren’t we more grown up than this?

OP posts: