...to be sick of women being made to feel uncool for feeling insecure about their husbands female friends?

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Is it just me?

There are often threads here from women, girlfriends, wives who have husbands who have a ‘close female friend’ and are exclusive of the wife/gf. Often they get told on MN that they are jealous, insecure and controlling for feeling uncomfortable.

Isn’t this a case of other women being a bit misogynistic towards a poster feeling insecure?

Why on earth is it ‘cool’ to be oh so fine with your man having as many close female relationships as he likes?

And why is it assumed that cheating only ever happens because the man is going to cheat anyway, it’s hard wired? That it doesn’t matter whether they have female friendships are not.

I don’t understand and I think we are in danger of putting ourselves down as women telling others not to trust their instincts.

Why aren’t healthy boundaries cool? I think that they are.

That’s not to say that opposite sex friendships are banned, but there is a healthy balance.

Unless a woman is being very jealous, not letting her partner look at another woman etc, then I’d say 90% of these posts are from women who really are being disrespected and demeaned by their partners.

Just feel a bit depressed to see so many women be put down for this!

I also find it very strange how these female 'friends' of a married man, are never friends with the wife too. In fact, they don't know her, and generally don't want to know her.

But are you always friends with your female friends' husbands and male partners? I'm not. It's a pretty odd assumption that you'll also form a friendship with someone's spouse just because you are friends with them - is this supposed to be some kind of alibi? I certainly don't feel the need to include someone's spouse (of either sex) in a friendship. If I like them, and we also become friends, fine, obviously, but not otherwise.

I hardly know my male best friend's wife, because our friendship started at work, and we live a good two hours' drive apart, and tend to see one another for a quick coffee or drink one-on-one after work, because we both have young children and no evening childcare. To spend time with his wife would involve making complex weekend arrangements involving long drives and the schedules of three young children and four adults, only two of whom know and like one another, so we've only done it rarely.

When did we get so weird about any restrictions = controlling insecurities? Aren’t we more grown up than this?

Because I would feel that if someone was unhappy with me having a friend of the opposite sex, they’re basically saying they don’t trust me. I think that would have to come from a place of insecurity.

Yeah - a woman crying on a man's shoulder is defo a big ego boost for him, makes him feel needed and protective. I look back on my own situation now, where there was no scheming or malice, and realise that this is true, whoever the man involved. But she should frigging well have known better!!

I don't think you have to know all your partners friends, whether they're male or female.

My DH doesn't know all my friends, as I usually meet them outside of my home environment. I'll just say I'm going to meet Lisa or Karen.

Boundaries are absolutely necessary though and it's boundaries you instill yourself as a married man or woman. It's not something I expect to be discussed, because to me it's obvious not to cross a line.

The book 'not just friends' by Dr. Shirley Glass really explains it so well.

I remember a woman whose DH had an affair and she said she warned him about the risks of getting close to a divorcing woman. Sure enough he had an affair with the woman and left his wife.

She saw it coming...with the shoulder crying and confiding.

It does annoy me when women say he's my best friend. Another woman's husband should not be your best friend, when you communicate in secret and would be unable to show her your messages.

I generally think that any relationship that is exclusively one to one outside of a marriage can be subject to unhealthy factors. And even marriages where there's overly heavy co-dependency involved.

If a relationship is a positive one, the determining factor in it being positive is that it does not require exclusivity from other relationships in order to function.

I don't like it when people talk about trust as an absolute. I trust my partner 100% in some areas, 90% in others, and with certain things not at all (mainly laundry related ). Yes, trust is essential, but it's like qualifications - they need updating now and then. You gain trust by demonstrating capability, and you lose it the same way.

My DH has good friends who are women. I've met them, like them but don't really know them well.

I wouldn't ever tell my DH who he could be friends with and I am lucky that I am just not a jealous person (I have been cheated on in the past). However, if he had a relationship that made be uncomfortable, I would talk to him about it, as I would any issue in our relationship.

It's a pretty odd assumption that you'll also form a friendship with someone's spouse just because you are friends with them

I agree with this.

I have a male friend and his wife (he met and married her during our friendship) is not my friend. Nothing against her. I've met her, she's been to my house with him when I had a baby years ago, but it's him I text or call now and again. DH has met him too.

If I was hosting a big event, I'd invite both of them.

DH has always worked in a female dominated environment, he has had many female friends, been away on courses, nights out etc etc and I've never been remotely bothered. We each have respect for the others individual and joint friends.

A few yrs ago another woman joined his team. There's something different. I can't put my finger on it, and I'm as sure as I can be that he wouldn't cheat on me. But this particular friendship has my stomach in knots. I don't stop him socialising with her, mostly it's with others apart from the odd lunch here and there but I find myself getting very angsty when I know they are socialising. On the surface he doesn't appear to treat her differently than other female colleagues but still .. something about it bothers me. She's not some young, pretty girl. She's my age and not dissimilar in looks, it's just a feeling of mild panic that he prefers to be with her than me.

I suck it up, I get that it's my own insecurity causing these feelings and I wouldn't stop him seeing her but I really really don't like it. I can totally understand how it can go further and partners issue demands. Part of me just wants to do the same.

I suppose for me there’s a difference between having an issue with a particular friend because there are aspects of the friendship that have made you uncomfortable and having an issue with a particular friend simply because they’re the opposite sex.

I think your just being silly now OP, comparing controlling a partners friendships with being asked to pick up laundry? Yes everyone has boundary's but when they are mismatched then a relationship won't work and arguing that your way is the correct way is controlling. Just have a discussion about it and if you can't agree then its not the relationship for either of you.

OP

It's because telling somebody who you are in an intimate relationship with, who they can and can't see, is actually called "Coercive and Controlling Behaviour" and is a CRIMINAL OFFENCE.

Perhaps you should think about your "boundaries" and the fact that the above law exists for a reason.

It does annoy me when women say he's my best friend. Another woman's husband should not be your best friend, when you communicate in secret and would be unable to show her your messages.

Whoah, that's a huge leap from having an married, opposite-sex best friend, and secret communications!

My best friend is a man, who is married to someone else. There is nothing at all 'secret' or furtive in our relationship. We see one another a lot, and we've gone away for the weekend, and for a (brief) holiday, as I've done with my other (female) close friend. It's all pretty light of day stuff. What on earth are people imagining???

If people are gonna cheat then are going to cheat.

If the only reason they haven't cheated is because their spouse has kicked off about them meeting someone then they have problems that extend way beyond the friends they keep company with.

Either you trust someone or you dont.

Jealousy is not attractive.

Why would I want to meet the spouses of my friends. I dont by default have to instantly become friends with people just because they marry someone .

Dont get me wrong I'd say hello I'd be polite but ant force someone to become friends it's not how it works.

Same with me. There are husbbadsbajd wives I get along with both and are happy to meet up with.

Others I hadn't met and are not fussed about doing so . I'm.not after their husbands and dont want to be chaperoned to make sure.

I'd have more of a problem dp meeting up with Male friends daily and getting drunk and being useless to me in regards to home and kids than I would be about the odd meet up with a female friend

And where does it end? If they visit a Male friend and their wife or sister comes along too is that ok or do we need to enquire exactly who is coming check in with any female additions that may turn up?

People have access to other people daily. Theres no way to know of they are flirting with the newbie in Hr or banging the secretary int he stationary cupboard. We have no idea if they called in sick and went to the dog walkers house instead.

Think a monthly meet up with the friend you know about is the least of your worries. It explains one evening. What about the rest of the time.they are out the house.

he been banging some coke head whore work colleague

THAT’S misogyny ^^

I’ve got lots of male friends. I had some well before I met my husband. Others I’ve met through work. I treat them in the same way I do my female friends. If relationships come up as a topic, we talk about them.

Oh, but I’m bi. Does that make a difference? Maybe by the OP’s logic it means I’m not allowed any close friends at all, in case I accidentally sleep with one of them just because they’re there?

I think there is a difference between having osme discomfort over a particula person and downright stopping your partner having friends of the opposite sex.

My partner has female friends. I have no issue with it - I have male friends. Makes no odds. But if for some reason I felt uncomfortable about one I would trust my gut and talk about it. In fact at one point I did have an issue with one - but I knew it was completely my issue, no part of me thought it was either of them making me feel uncomforatbel iyswim - and I addressed it and now no issue. But as I said if I got a feeling and felt uncomfortable I wouldn't write it off

Exactly, Cheby -- you don't get to have friends of either sex at all. Or only if you are are accompanied by a chaperone with a cattleprod at all times.

It's a pretty odd assumption that you'll also form a friendship with someone's spouse just because you are friends with them.

If I was hosting a big event, I'd invite both of them.

As I say above, I don't think it's about automatically being friends. I think it's when the other relationship ONLY works when it is exclusive. If someone wouldn't come to a party because the dynamic ONLY works in private... that's a cause for concern. (of course there might be other reasons - say, not knowing anyone else there)

I don't think it's just a sexual thing either.

My husband's ex best friend never attempted to make friends with me. I attended a few get togethers including him, but that was it. It was a one to one friendship because this guy had steadily alienated everyone else in his life with his shitty behaviour. I strongly suspect he didn't want to talk to anyone who would throw a light on his shitty personality.

(My husband is very loyal, very 'soft' and very forgiving. After their friendship finally broke down, he admitted that this man bullied him at school.)

Sorry I think YABU

Half my friends are male. I don't moan about my relationship as it's fine. I do go drinking or even out for dinner with these men. My husband has got to know most of them and now we are friends with some of their wives as well and we hang out as couples. I don't 'make' him feel anything. If he was jealous he'd be being ridiculous given it's always been this way.

I think that I'd very different to having one very close friend who is a shoulder to cry on and it being different to most other friendships for example if someone shared things they wouldnt normally share

Surely it depends on the friend though and the situation? I'm fine and happy for my dp to have female friends, he's the same with me and Male friends we don't actually have very many friends at all though

But if I thought a female friend is overstepping I would say, he would be the same. Neither of us are flirty people though so we don't tend to accidentally find ourselves in those situations.

My husband's ex best friend never attempted to make friends with me.

But thecats, that sounds like a specific dynamic, and he sounds like an unpleasant man -- but I wouldn't in general see your husband's friend not wanting to be your friend, too, as any kind of red flag, or indeed, a one-on-one friendship being in any way odd or suggesting the people involved have alienated their other friends.

Some people are better in one to one situations. I tend to see my two (male and female) best friends in one-on-one situations, because that's what works for us.

Asking someone to stop dropping clothes on the floor is asking them to stop a bad habit that makes your life harder. It's polite.

Asking someone to drop long standing friends of the opposite sex when it isn't inconveniencing you in any way and it's actually enriching their life is just controlling and basically saying you don't trust them

A man is as faithful as his options.

It really depends on the friendship surely?My DH has 4 sisters and is very close to his mum (didn't know his dad so well) so naturally he is very comfortable with women and relates to them well. He has female friends, meets them for coffee etc. and I genuinely don't mind at all. His main focus is very much me and our family and he is not spending loads of time with his female (or male) friends or constantly messaging them. He confides in me with any of his problems so I don't feel he's emotionally dependent on female friends. I had all brothers and was brought up by a stay at home dad so I am naturally very comfortable with men. All my life I've had lots of male friends. I love the company of men having spent many years having a laugh with my brothers I enjoy the lighthearted banter I have with male friends. There's nothing sexual in it. I don't want to sleep with them. My husband has no worries. If my husband tried to stop me being friends with men I would find it very controlling and disturbing. All of the above is because both my husband and I have completely platonic friendships with the opposite sex and are committed to each other. If my husband had a female friend and was meeting her loads, telling her all his problems, always messaging her then I most definitely WOULD have a problem!! For me it's all about the quality of that friendship - not the fact he has friends who happen to be females.