...to be sick of women being made to feel uncool for feeling insecure about their husbands female friends?

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Is it just me?

There are often threads here from women, girlfriends, wives who have husbands who have a ‘close female friend’ and are exclusive of the wife/gf. Often they get told on MN that they are jealous, insecure and controlling for feeling uncomfortable.

Isn’t this a case of other women being a bit misogynistic towards a poster feeling insecure?

Why on earth is it ‘cool’ to be oh so fine with your man having as many close female relationships as he likes?

And why is it assumed that cheating only ever happens because the man is going to cheat anyway, it’s hard wired? That it doesn’t matter whether they have female friendships are not.

I don’t understand and I think we are in danger of putting ourselves down as women telling others not to trust their instincts.

Why aren’t healthy boundaries cool? I think that they are.

That’s not to say that opposite sex friendships are banned, but there is a healthy balance.

Unless a woman is being very jealous, not letting her partner look at another woman etc, then I’d say 90% of these posts are from women who really are being disrespected and demeaned by their partners.

Just feel a bit depressed to see so many women be put down for this!

I totally agree with you.

I am a happy and fully paid up member of the uncool wives club and couldn't give a shiny shite what anyone else thinks of me for that.

It depends on how you define that friendship? Partaking in a hobby/club together where they talk etc.. going on night out together or in a group, sending the occasional message or phone call, texting each other daily, meeting up with partners, meeting up without partners, partners have never met, parents have met but occasionally they go out on their own.
Everyone has different friendships. Most of the above are perfectly normal, I would find it strange if none of my husbands female friends wanted to meet me, would also find it strange if he didn't want me to meet them, and vice versa. As it happens for us that is not the case, neither of us particularly have friends of the opposite sex we would want to socialise with individually, most of our socialising is done in groups generally of couples with the odd night out on our own if we can ever be bothered!
Trust is needed, however in some situations it is inevitable that as friendships grow, so does emotional attachment. This can sometimes lead to an emotional affair which often escalates into a physical one.

slightly disparaging to label other people 'cool' simply for not being bothered.

I simply do not have a jealous bone in my body when it comes to relationships - never have had - someone is with me because they want to be - if they don't want to be why would I want them.

I'm not cool it's just how I am - if any man tried to stop me seeing my male friends I'd stop seeing him

I'm not cool it's just how I am - if any man tried to stop me seeing my male friends I'd stop seeing him

This must be what sparked the term.. " judging by their own standards"

Besides ...No one breaks a diet with one cake. If married men are cheating its usually with more than one person. Unless you plan on keeping them.locked up in a cage you are making a whole lot of effort for yourselves for someone not worthy of it.

Those threads are always SO disingenuous.

Ninety nine times out of a hundred it is NOT the case that the person involved is a 'close female friend' at all, it's blatantly a dodgy situation and the H's approach is to gaslight like fuck. And then the coolies pile on to add to it.

Fuck that!

I’m bisexual, which means that by the logic of some people on this thread I can’t have any close, intimate friendships because it wouldn’t be fair to my husband and I can’t expect him to be ‘cool’ with it, since I’ll probably end up cheating on him.

Equally, my husband has a good female friend who he sees often. They’ve known each other for longer than he has known me. They were at uni together and then worked together for a while. They meet up most months for dinner or drinks (sometimes with another mutual friend, sometimes not). She occasionally comes to dinner at ours with a bigger group of my husband’s uni friends. I like her, but she’s very much my husband’s friend not mine. And I genuinely don’t resent or worry about their friendship. Not because I’m desperately trying to be a cool girl, but because I trust my husband.

My sister’s best friend is a man. They’ve known each other since they met in primary school aged 6, and have been best friends pretty much since then. He used to sleep over at our house almost weekly, they kept ponies at the same yard and spent every weekend there together, he was a bridal attendant at her wedding. Are they now not allowed to be friends because they’re both very happily married to other people?

I think it’s ridiculous to conflate friendship with romance. Anyone can overstep the line and start behaving inappropriately, but that isn’t an indictment of friendship. It’s an indictment of your faithless spouse, who made the decision not to be loyal. It doesn’t mean married people can’t have friends in case it leads them to cheat.

The OP suggested it’s misogynistic to think women should be fine with their husbands having female friends. I think it’s far more misogynistic to assume that women are only able to be objects of romantic interest to men.

'people cheat because opportunity occurs' - well I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who I think will cheat if opportunity occurs.

'I was a cool DP and then he cheated' - see above point.

I think I have healthy boundaries. As Gerry says, you can't keep your DP in a box away from everyone of the sex they fancy. If someone is going to cheat, I'd prefer to know and get rid of them than to try and control their friendships so they can't cheat.

Policing your partners friends is controlling. Isolating people from their friendships is a common behaviour of abusive partners. It is always correct to call out abusive behaviour, and if this leaves controlling partners feeling sad because they are called 'uncool' then tough mammary glands.

For me it's less about gender and more about attraction. If I found myself vaguely attracted to someone I wouldn't pursue any kind of friendship with them and I'd expect my husband to do the same. To be honest our friends are mostly mutual so it's unlikely the situation would ever come up that one of us would be spending an extended period of time with a friend of the opposite gender, but I trust my husband to be careful. If I was ever uncomfortable with one of his friendships he would respect that and take a step back.

But I'm not and never will be a cool wife. Porn is a no-go area too!

AIBU to be sick of people assuming I can't have a friend of the opposite sex without wanting to shag them? It's not about being cool,.it's about being in s relationship with someone you trust, of you dint trust someone why be with them. Insecurity and controlling behaviours don't stop people cheating, if they're going to they will. People ask the time on here highlight controlling and unacceptable behaviour from men, well the same things are unacceptable from women. I've worked with s lot of abusive and controlling men, a lot of it comes from insecurity, it's not an excuse and it's not ok.

If you object to your husband having close female friends then yes there are trust issues, or you're insecure and controlling. If you have specific concerns about your husband and his friendships then that's different (although I don't think those concerns will be resolves by preventing him from having female friends).

For me it comes down to the type of friendship.

Longstanding friend they met years ago and have been friends ever since? Fine. I would never want someone to end an old friendship over my insecurity.

Making new female friends? A bit more tricky! If my partner came home saying he'd met a great new female colleague and they were off to the cinema at the weekend. Sorry but I couldn't be cool with that. I have male friends, some of them married, and we always tend to meet as a group, even if it's just three of us. One on one evenings, alone with someone else's husband doesn't feel right to me. So I wouldn't want a partner of mine doing it.

Then there's the "we fucked a few times" friendships. A guy I met doing OLD had a friend like that. I tried to be cool with it until he sat there basically sexting her in front of me! That was the end of that.

Yy zippy

It's not about being "cool" at all.

I've always just asked myself. " how would I feel"

How would I feel if dp turned round and said no you cant go. Because despite being able to stand inches apart in the same room with him naked after a shower and control myself how is it suddenly that in a crowded place in full view of hundreds of people and fully clothed it's going to suddenly be a problem.

However do I manage to get any work done with all those men around me...

Alphabet you mentioned open relationships. Me and DH are in a fairly open relationship, not full on relationships with others but casual/semi-ongoing ones. You're absolutely right there's boundaries even there.

A good rule that we use that I think can apply to any relationship is don't do or say anything you wouldn't be happy your partner knowing about. So I totally agree with you there's plenty of blokes with close friendships where they are saying shit they wouldn't say to their wives/doing stuff they know would make her uncomfortable and that's not ok imo.

Ultimately there's no set rules about which boundaries are cool and which aren't. If someone is regularly jealous and struggling with this, their partner should be working with them to overcome it, help them work out those feelings and how to get past them. Not saying well I think this is acceptable so you just have to deal with it. That's stupid and is what certain posters do on here I agree.

I am pretty sick of people labelling those who feel differently to them 'cool wives'.

It's a complete put down that basically says 'that not how you really feel, you are being naive and cant form opinions of our your own. You need to listen to me because I am oh so clever and can form my own opinions'

Some dont like it. Some feel differently.

I have a Male best friend. He was around before dp. Do didn't have to be my dp and could have not got involved with me. I would give up a good friend for a new boyfriend.

I also do think that healthy boundaries can very easily become controlling.

I’m quite controlling and jealous. My DH is gorgeous and women flirt with him all the time so that colours my view.

Also DH and I were great friends for a couple of years after we met. When in reality we were both secretly besotted but were both seeing other people quite seriously so didn’t say anything. I genuinely think that unless you have known a member of the opposite sex since you were young, and therefore have brotherly/sisterly feelings, then a man and woman are not friends unless one of them is attracted.

I’ve been hit on loads of times by men I thought were friends, men I was never slightly attracted to and had never even slightly flirted with.

So yeah. I’m quite cynical about opposite sex friendships. I’m quite good friends with the male half of some of our couple friend and I have male friends from my hobby. I wouldn’t go out with them alone. It would be disrespectful to DH and playing with fire.

I agree that having healthy boundaries and discussing those between yourself and your spouse/partner is important and concerns shouldn't be dismissed for not being 'cool' or fitting into how things should be done. Feelings are complicated and need more than those boxes.

I still don't get some of the boundaries in this thread. I'm a bisexual woman married to a bisexual man - are neither of us allowed to have close personal friendships where we meet others alone or have them cry to us about their relationships? When my spouse and I were going through a really bad time, it was really horrible feeling like I couldn't talk to anyone and I wouldn't want any of my friends to feel they couldn't talk to me about those things because of my sex or sexuality.

I'm not friends with my best friend's partner - I used to do business with the guy and think he's a bit of a Peter Pan entepreneur-wannabe. Both my spouse and I have, on separate occasions without the other, been a shoulder for her when this guy has been a selfish ass and I don't really see how that's a problem or an obvious line. I get that everyone's lines will be different, but I've seen that before and don't get how comforting a friend and being a sounding board is such a common one.

I don't think I have the right to do whatever I want, my spouse and I discuss our thoughts on such things and would take his opinions and feelings seriously. He's a pretty good judge of character so if he said a particular person made him uncomfortable, I'd listen. If I felt he was being too controlling, it would be an issue and I'd likely not want to remain in a relationship with anyone who wanted blanket policies on everyone of either or both sexes without any prior issues.

It can work opposite ways aswell. My friends relationship ended because his gf simply could not deal with he and I being friends.

I genuinely think that unless you have known a member of the opposite sex since you were young, and therefore have brotherly/sisterly feelings, then a man and woman are not friends unless one of them is attracted.

This is so sad. Not saying it isn’t true for you but it’s absolutely not true of everyone.

This is such a depressingly heternormative thread. How do you think those of us attracted to both sexes go about having friendships?! It’s possible to form deep, important bonds with people you have no romantic connection to.

I don’t get why turning to a friend when you’re upset is so wrong even if they are the opposite sex...I’ve definitely cried on male friends’ shoulders before and definitely discussed my husband when he’s being an arse as I do with my female friends. It’s just venting and for me friendship is about emotional support too. Doesn’t mean I want to sleep with my mates, or they me.

I agree. I think it’s fairly normal for both men and women to feel insecure about their partner’s friends of the opposite sex unless they know they’re gay. It’s a natural human reaction to feel threatened by their closeness to someone of the opposite sex knowing they could be interested in something more. Rationally you have to realise that if they wanted to be something else, it would have happened by now but we are human and rationality doesn’t always come into it.

I detest the phrase "cool wife" and think it's deeply misogynistic. It implies I'm either stupid and my husband is cheating on me, or I'm lying about our relationship.

I also think the "men and women can't be friends" crowd are heteronormative to the point of being homophobic. Do those of us who aren't straight just not exist?

This whole thread fills me with rage.

I agree OP and I think it is part of the women being sold that we have to say yes to everything and have lost our protection of saying no (paraphrasing Germaine Greer here)

forestafantastica high five.

I agree OP and I think it is part of the women being sold that we have to say yes to everything and have lost our protection of saying no

I actually don’t think women have the right to say no to their husbands having female friends. You can object to behaviour you don’t like (e.g. secrecy over things that shouldn’t be secret) but I think it crosses a line into controlling to say no female friends ever.

I agree OP and I think it is part of the women being sold that we have to say yes to everything and have lost our protection of saying no

But you are special and intelligent enough to see through that?

It amazes me how women who use the phrase 'cool wife' think they are some sort of feminist hero.

Whilst telling wome they are a bit dim and cant form their own opinions.