...to be sick of women being made to feel uncool for feeling insecure about their husbands female friends?

[Alphabetsoup4]

Is it just me?

There are often threads here from women, girlfriends, wives who have husbands who have a ‘close female friend’ and are exclusive of the wife/gf. Often they get told on MN that they are jealous, insecure and controlling for feeling uncomfortable.

Isn’t this a case of other women being a bit misogynistic towards a poster feeling insecure?

Why on earth is it ‘cool’ to be oh so fine with your man having as many close female relationships as he likes?

And why is it assumed that cheating only ever happens because the man is going to cheat anyway, it’s hard wired? That it doesn’t matter whether they have female friendships are not.

I don’t understand and I think we are in danger of putting ourselves down as women telling others not to trust their instincts.

Why aren’t healthy boundaries cool? I think that they are.

That’s not to say that opposite sex friendships are banned, but there is a healthy balance.

Unless a woman is being very jealous, not letting her partner look at another woman etc, then I’d say 90% of these posts are from women who really are being disrespected and demeaned by their partners.

Just feel a bit depressed to see so many women be put down for this!

'Sometimes ppl cheat because the opportunity is there'

Isnt the point that they overcome temptation through devotion to you? I'd feel a bit shit if my partner was only loyal through lack of opportunity

even if you’re defining the relationship in terms of the absence if it

I define friendship as just that though. It doesn’t matter whether there’s a male or not involved. I mean, I don’t think about my best friend and think “oh well he’s my closest friend but there’s definitely nothing sexual”. I think of him exactly the same as my female friends, it just happens that the person I’ve met that I’ve got on best with as an adult friend is male.

I’d have been very disappointed in my then husband if he felt he could make demands to alter the friendship.

Hmm, not sure about the gay thing. I imagine DD's girlfriend thinks that if she was ever going to go there with her best friend then she probably would have already.

But no, not sure about how making new gay friends woks out for her. I know she has done in uni (and also been hit on).

DD is not keen on having male friends, just has little in common with lads.

I guess one way of testing it out is a real situation I had with DH last year. Where I think my male friendship was okay but his wasn’t. Not sure what you think?

At a wedding we were happened to be sat next to our friends partners!

DH had an exclusive female ‘friend’. Really annoying. She texted him all the time, like ‘do I look good in this dress?’ Moaned about her fiancé. Liked to go out dancing and drinking with DH. Met for coffees. Got cross with him if he didn’t get back. No interest in me whatsoever.

I had a male friend who had a lot of female friends. He was lovely, and probably to be honest could have been a relationship. But we never did, just met up sometimes, for coffees or a concert. He got married and our friendship slowly faded, we didn’t meet up on our own, but still kept in touch casually.

Both of us at the wedding table were sat next to our friends other half’s! I liked it as I think my male friends wife is fantastic, and we got on well. I hardly talked to my male friend as, I guess, we weren’t close one to one friends now. Which is fine. I lost that intense connection but gained a couple friendship instead.

DH and his female friends fiancé barely spoke at all. DH had heard so many bad things about the man that it was awkward for him to be friendly I guess. The fiancé hadn’t a clue who DH was as she never told him. If he knew how many texts she’s sent! His female friend was obviously cross that she wasn’t sat next to my DH and came to him later upset because of something her fiancé had done. She totally ignored me as she always does. Luckily DH was too tired to give her attention and has since backed off as she’s ‘a little intense’ his words.

I think between men and women there is invariably a sexual dynamic to some extent - even if you’re defining the relationship in terms of the absence if it

I wonder if this is at the crux of the issue. There appear to be some heterosexual people who cannot interact with a person of the opposite sex without defining them in sexual terms. Then there are others, and I clearly fall into this category, who see people as people. Whether I would want to have sex with them or not rarely enters my head, and only then if i'm single and they are single. I have never encountered this alternative world that many on here refer to where men and women can't be alone together, particularly if there is alcohol involved, without at least one wanting to shag the other.

I guess one way of testing it out is a real situation I had with DH last year. Where I think my male friendship was okay but his wasn’t. Not sure what you think?

But all that proves is ONE friendship wasn’t ok, not that you should immediately be wary of every female friend. But, if your partner (if either sex) is totally trustworthy it doesn’t matter if someone throws themselves at them - nothing happens surely?

Men with a need for lots of female friends. Women with a need for lots of male friends. & boasting about it.

I'm not interested in their dynamic, over-focus on what opposite sex thinks of you or how they view you, I find validation crave like that boring. Especially as people like this tend to always want to steer conversation around to men/women.

I swerve people like that

This post made me think of a thread comment on a post - - brag-- about having male friends. One poster said she sleeps naked next to her male friend and her husband doesn't mind. Yeah, right... I bet her H tends the pampas grass too...

Anyway hasn't 'insecure' been replaced by 'controlling' as the new MN buzzword for women to diss other women...?

I think though, even if you’re with a man who you’re not physically attracted to at all, there’s always the possibility that something about them could grow on you over time. For instance, their sense of humour or their intelligence, or something? Go br absolutely honest, for me, if there’s no hint of a “spark” (not necessarily sexual, but just “something”), I find it hard to maintain interest in a friendship with a man because, without meaning to sound rude, I wouid find it a bit boring. Also, it would always be in the back f your mind whether they had other feelings towards you, so for this reason alone, it always feels kind of awkward and claustrophobic for me and I’d rather just not go there at all.

For instance, their sense of humour or their intelligence, or something?

Not particularly for me, as I said a friend is a friend.

I guess it’s just about different personality types. I’ve never wondered for a minute whether my male friend has feelings for me in much the same way as I’ve never considered whether my lesbian friend has feelings for me - it’s just not a thing.

@Alphabetsoup4

I think it's fine for you to be uncomfortable with this particular friendship. It seems to be verging towards an emotional affair at least from the perspective of the other woman.

I don't think anyone would argue against the fact that some friendships are inappropriate. I think people take issue with a partner who thinks their partner shouldn't have any opposite sex friends at all.

I get on better with men than women. I have lots of male friends at work. Shock horror- sometimes they share their lunch with me. Would I cheat with them. Never. Do I think it’s a bit pathetic when women write my dh has a female friend at work.... Yes I do. It’s about their own feelings of inadequacy noty behaviour or their dhs!

if there’s no hint of a “spark” (not necessarily sexual, but just “something”), I find it hard to maintain interest in a friendship with a man because, without meaning to sound rude, I wouid find it a bit boring.

Why would you find the friendship any more boring than a friendship with a woman? Sounds like you have a very negative view of men if they're only interesting to you if sex/flirtation/attraction is on the table.

Fair enough Jacques and I think that’s great. I just can’t think of a male relationship I’ve ever had where the sex dynamic or lack of it had genuinely never entered my head. I think the way men and women joke with each other, for instance, is different to when you’re in same sex groups. It’s hard to put your finger in what it is, but it’s something?

I have never had an issue with DH's friends male and female (together 30 years, married 25) until recently when an old school friend of his whom I was also friends with started to 'need' his friendship a lot more. It made me feel very uncomfortable to the point I did say to DH that it's either the friendship or our marriage.

I'm shocked at myself for delivering this ultimatum given I've no doubts at DH's commitment to our relationship but there was just something that felt wrong at her 'ramping up' the friendship and whilst I have never controlled any other female friendship I felt that this was not in my comfort zone.

@jelly yes thanks I was probably right to feel uncomfortable. I did raise it but got accused of being jealous and controlling by DH, and uncool by DHs friends, so I dropped it. Although it did make me question DHs love for me on occasion, I just kept it to myself though.

What is worse his FF (is this short for female friend?!) now blames me for ending the friendship! She told friends of mine that I was a dangerous control freak who stopped DH from having any life of his own.

Jelly - I guess I don’t have that much in common with a lot if men - ie. I’m not interested in team sports. I’m
not one to hang in pubs or whatever. I don’t have a negative view if men, but I find female friends suit me better.

Incidentally, speaking as a bisexual woman, my experience has absolutely been that the friendships where I’ve had issues have absolutely been with allegedly straight women. Back when I was single I had loads of experiences where a straight female friend found out I was bi, and it developed into them seeing an opportunity to experiment or develop their ‘bicurious’ side. From speaking to my other bi and lesbian friends, this isn’t uncommon. Being friends with bis and lesbians leads some straight women to re-evaluate their feelings and explore the possibility of same-sex romantic relationships.

This wasn’t a problem I tended to have with male friends.

I’m just saying, it’s not as straightforward as saying men can’t have female friends without their being a sexual element, and yet pretending this isn’t a feature of same sex friendships too. Not everyone is straight, and those of us who aren’t manage to navigate our friendships without being unfaithful or unfair to our partners. It’s stupid to pretend the same thing isn’t possible for straight couples. It is. If you trust each other, you should be able to have friends of the opposite gender. Just try taking a leaf from the non-straight book

YABU.

This sort of sexist nonsense is why some cultures have women covering themselves up. Anyone can be friends with anyone else. Deal with it.

@Pa1oma

I think that's different. Although I'm surprised you've only met men who are interested in the pub or sports. I imagine lots of us would be offended if a man said he wasn't interested in female friendships because women mainly want to talk about make up or go shopping.

I do think some women do tend to form friendships mainly with other women as they find they have more in common. I think that's fine.

Yes Jelly, that’s how I should have phrased it - apologies. It’s just about having more in common, ultimately. And equally, I don’t expect most men would have much in common with me!

My partner is bisexual: should I be 'allowing' her to have any close friendships?

I think it depends on whether there's a sexual spark or not. I've got close male friends, but wouldn't dream of shagging them, and the strongest clue to that being genuine is that even when we were single, drunk and sharing a house we never made a move on each other. If I had a relationship problem, I'd call the friend who I thought would give me the most sensible advice, whether male or female. I get on really well with the wives of the male friends, just as I do with the husbands of the female ones, but if I wanted to talk about something personal I'd rather not discuss it with a not-so-close friend, so I'd want to see the close friend on their own. If DH had ever had a problem with friendships that pre-dated our relationship by 20 years, I wouldn't have married him.

On the other hand, I'm scrupulously careful if I see my ex. I wouldn't plan to be alone with him beyond something like arriving at the pub shortly before the other friends. I wouldn't, and he wouldn't, we're both happily married and it's a long time since we were a couple, but I want it to be clear to DH and to his DW that I'm not up to no good.

@Alphabetsoup4

Your husbands female 'friends' sound toxic and spiteful, calling you uncool and blaming you for the friendship ending! I mean just how DARE you be upset, I mean you're only his WIFE.

And your DH sounds like a real treat too! Saying you are unreasonable and controlling! Bet he wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot!

Male interests?

What are female interests?

@Decormad

Do I think it’s a bit pathetic when women write 'worried my dh has a female friend at work... Yes!'

What a horrible thing to say.

Some women are just genuinely insecure and worried, that doesn't make them 'pathetic!'

You and a few others on here sound like the sort who latch onto a married man and become their 'best friend' (in your mind anyway!) and scoff and sneer at the man's wife when she gets a bit stressed about it.

If anyone is 'pathetic' it's a married man who has a little female hanging around him, (claiming that they're 'BFFs,!) And so is said female who claims 'we are BFFs and I can't help it if I get on better with men!'

Seems to me like the female is trying to make herself feel good with her 'cool platonic relationship' with her married male friend, and HE is trying to make himself feel good by being BFFs with a female. And BOTH of them think 'to hell with how the wife feels...' As long as they have their amazing cool friendship eh?

I know someone who had to put up with this shit for YEARS from her husband. He seemed to have a different female BFF every year at work, and was often their 'shoulder to cry on'. These women were almost always single too ... Several of them got quite attached and used to text and private message him on facebook etc. Also went for coffees and beers after work. No matter how much his wife said it was making her unhappy and insecure, he said he 'can't help it if he gets on so well with women!' And as you always find in situations like this - the women didn't give a shit about her.

After about 15 years of him behaving like this, she met a man at a hobby group who she got on with very well. Handsome chap-7 years younger, and recently widowed. You can probably guess what's coming next.

She became pals with him, and had a coffee with him a couple of times after their group, and her husband nearly had a meltdown worrying about his wife with this man. After a few weeks he told her he didn't want her going to the hobby group anymore, or seeing this man.

She told him to fuck off. She said after all the years she has put up with him and his 'friendships' with various women, he had no RIGHT to tell her to stop seeing her new male friend. She carried on, and nothing happened with this man, and after 6 months, he left the area, and she and he lost touch.

Weirdly, after that, her husband never had any more female friends.

Just needed a taste of his own medicine! Personally I would not have tolerated it for 15 years and thought she deserved better.

I think the majority of people will not be comfortable or happy with their husband or wife being very close to a member of the opposite sex, (especially if there has been a proclamation that they are BEST FRIENDS.) I think it's very odd for a woman to claim that another woman's husband is her best friend. His WIFE should be his best friend, not you. And I bet he doesn't tell ANYone that you and he are 'best friends.' It's only you saying that!

The film 'my best friend's wedding' springs to mind, where a single woman was devastated that her 'male best friend' was marrying another woman. She couldn't bear it that another woman was more important than her, and did everything she could to stop the wedding.

Even though the circumstances are slightly different, there are a few women on here who sound like that woman who was miffed that this man was not her best friend anymore, because his WIFE now was. As I said (and some others have,) I find it very odd and weird when a woman claims her 'best friend' is someone else's husband. WTF?

There is nothing wrong with being FRIENDS with a married man (when you are a woman,) but the ones who claim this married man is their BEST FRIEND are questionable, and I do question their morals - and motives.