...to be sick of women being made to feel uncool for feeling insecure about their husbands female friends?

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Is it just me?

There are often threads here from women, girlfriends, wives who have husbands who have a ‘close female friend’ and are exclusive of the wife/gf. Often they get told on MN that they are jealous, insecure and controlling for feeling uncomfortable.

Isn’t this a case of other women being a bit misogynistic towards a poster feeling insecure?

Why on earth is it ‘cool’ to be oh so fine with your man having as many close female relationships as he likes?

And why is it assumed that cheating only ever happens because the man is going to cheat anyway, it’s hard wired? That it doesn’t matter whether they have female friendships are not.

I don’t understand and I think we are in danger of putting ourselves down as women telling others not to trust their instincts.

Why aren’t healthy boundaries cool? I think that they are.

That’s not to say that opposite sex friendships are banned, but there is a healthy balance.

Unless a woman is being very jealous, not letting her partner look at another woman etc, then I’d say 90% of these posts are from women who really are being disrespected and demeaned by their partners.

Just feel a bit depressed to see so many women be put down for this!

If you have to go to the lengths of setting 'boundaries' and establishing a list of 'do's and don'ts' then it's probably a safe bet to say that the relationship probably isn't built to last.

Yeah sorry, AureliaJane I wasn't clear there

I think it's not so much the specific 'no' to your partner about having female friends- rather the general push that all women have to be 'cool' with everything and are sometimes pushed into accepting behaviour or engaging in behaviour that they don't feel good about, and feel unable to express their full feelings for fear of being a 'bunny boiler' or other horrible terms.

There is nothing at all 'secret' or furtive in our relationship.

I was talking in general terms and not directing anything at you. I didnt accuse you of any secret communication, but you seem defensive about it.

In general... IMO ... another woman's husband shouldn't be your best friend.

Well I’m not gay but I know my gay daughter thinks of her best friend like a sister. But she has also had issues with gay women she thought just liked her as friend, then wanting more. So I’m thinking gay people have the same sort of issues of friends often wanting more.

Having boundaries works for us and has kept DH and me together and happy for 30 years. If you are happy with your husband basically dating other women then good luck to you.

I do get some of what you are saying. We shouldn't demean or ridicule other women who have concerns about their relationship, and we shouldn't compare another persons relationship to our own.

Having said that, I have male friends. I have male friends I would see on my own without my DP. I have male friends who I might end up crying on if something was going wrong, and who might cry on me if something was going wrong for them. I do not fancy them. I would be deeply offended if my DP said that he didn't trust me to have male friends simply because they are male and I am hetrosexual, as if I fancy anything with a penis and couldn't be trusted not to sleep with them should the situation occur.

It's the same way around for my DP.

Yes, if a new female friend appeared on the scene that he suddenly spent a huge amount of time with I might have concerns and want to meet her, but that would be purely because it would be so out of character of DP to spend that much time with anyone else, regardless of their gender. To be honest, if he suddenly started spending that much time with another man I'd be equally worried that he might be cheating on me, physically or emotionally, because it would be hugely out of character.

He has female friends he has known for 20 years, who are married themselves. If he told me he had met one of them and they had cried about their marriage or asked for advice or anything like that I wouldn't feel jealous or insecure.

There's a line here. I do kind of think that saying you can't have a friend of the opposite sex smacks of saying that anyone would sleep with anyone else.

I take it as a more general point about the way posters are treated on here when they express concern.
For me, it's about women being told over and over again about how they SHOULD feel about something whilst how they actually feel about it is dismissed or minimised

Hmm, I am not remotely interested in anyone except DH, but I have had a male friend try to kiss me. I have had one declaring that he loved me. DH had had a female business contact that he was friendly with invite him to stay at her house and make a real point of saying that her husband was away. (He declined).

I’m like to see male friends in a group. I don’t need anything else from them.

I think my views are also formed on the basis on my own behaviour. My exH and I were having problems in our relationship (hence why he's now ex). I was friends with a single guy at work. Just friends, I really wasn't interested in him romantically. But a whole bunch of us workmates went out one night on a leaving do. We all got drunk. Suffice to say myself and male colleague came close to crossing a line. We didn't, but it would have been so easy. And I've never cheated on anyone in my life. Given the "right" circumstances, and especially if you throw copious alcohol into the mix. Even the most trustworthy person can get it wrong. I know.

TinklyLittleLaugh

I had a situation with DP at work a while ago, about a colleague who made it clear to him that she was interested. My initial suspicions (which I posted on here about) turned out to be right- but the thread accused me of thinking my DP was 'irresistible' and because FIL had a similar experience, then somehow I was mad for thinking that the men in the family had women throwing themselves at them etc etc. There were some really belittling posters on there- along the lines of it was all in my head and DP wasn't 'all that'
It was really horrible - as if I was making it all up and yet just a quick chat in our mixed staff room about it revealed that 4 out of 12 of my dept had had similar experiences at some point in their marriages

I think my views are also formed on the basis on my own behaviour

I can understand that certainly about your own relationships, but that doesn't extrapolate out to others' relationships.

I have never been close to crossing a line, therefore I am perfectly happy to have close male friendships because they're simply that - a friendship.

Funnily enough, DH’s cool female friend who told him all about her sexual exploits and bf problems slowly evaporated as it became clear we were serious. DH was a bit disappointed as he was clearly either a back up plan or “I could totally have him” ego boost.

I never tried to stop them being bffs, though would put the brakes on a similar messed up friendship being made.

another woman's husband shouldn't be your best friend.

Do explain. Are married people not allowed to have close friends other than their spouse in this bizarrely constricted and proprietorial world view?

Ah this one in particular annoys me also, I spent years being single as I didn’t agree with this. And if you spent time with a male privately then they would soon moan, or probably cheating emotionally as lets be honest no need for grown men to have little girl friends, its sad im sorry but it is.

End of the day if mine decided to start adding bum chums then he would get the boot. Simple as and he knows this lol.

Always trust your instincts as they are usually right.

Exactly Crochet. Women (and men) are very often attracted to my DH, even though he’s now an old gimmer. When women blatantly flirt in front of me it does really annoy me to be honest but I mostly don’t say anything. He doesn’t flirt back and he doesn’t put himself in a situation that could turn embarrassing.

One of DH’s very, very good friend’s wives obviously has a massive crush on DH, to the extent that my grown up daughters have commented on it and my grown up son has, out of the blue, declared he doesn’t like her, although she is actually a nice, kind woman.

She has recently joined DH’s hobby group and he has now admitted that I was right about her liking him, and not just being friendly, and declined her offer that they do the hobby together.

Having exclusive opposite sex close friendships.

Fine.

Where you talk about your relationships.

Fine.

Where there is an ego boost.

Not fine.

And making your partner feel they are jealous if they say it irks them. That’s not healthy.

I think you're muddling different things up. How can a partner "make you feel that you are jealous"? You either are jealous or you aren't, and either the friendship is over the line or it isn't.

OP I totally agree with you. I can only talk from my personal experience, but every time (pre-marriage) I thought I had a male “friend”, I was fooling myself that it was purely platonic. Even if I could honestly say I wasn’t attracted to them at all, I always knew that there was probably more on their side - given half a chance or in different circumstances. In short, it never ended well. I have my female friends and they’re more than enough. I don’t have any typically male interests anyway. I know all mt friends’ DHs and partners; we all socialise together etc, but I feel no need whatsoever to go out with another male “friend” on my own. I think it would be didtedpectful to DH; inciting trouble and why would I feel the need to do that anyway? By the same token, he would never hang out with another female on a one- to- one basis. There’s no need for this when you can easily socialise in groups. Neither of us are reclusive or repressed - far from it. I’m just not interested in making a song and dance about having male friends because most people see straight through this.

By this logic, lesbians in a relationship shouldn’t have close female friends either, and yet somehow they manage it.

Gay people tend to mix with other gay people too, before anyone tries to claim that lesbians’ female friends are probably straight.

By this logic, lesbians in a relationship shouldn’t have close female friends either, and yet somehow they manage it

Yes I've always wondered how this works. How is it every other combination of people and sexualities is ok except for straight couples? Or do people just not think about that

Ime its actually groups of same sex people that are worse together for crossing boundaries . Do you really wanna know what they say and do to bar staff/waiting staff when they go out in groups?

Is is cos men get a kick.out the idea of their girlfriends/wives getting it on with their female friends that they are ok with going out with a lesbian friend?

Which is odd really cos people used to be uncomfortable being with gay people xis what if they tried it on. As if that meant u tried it on with every man or womme you met. But the whole time it's clearly hetero sexual people that cant be trusted to be friends with members of the opposite sex?

Yes I've always wondered how this works. How is it every other combination of people and sexualities is ok except for straight couples? Or do people just not think about that

So, I did spend a while wondering if straight people are just a lot more sex driven than not-straight people. Maybe straight women just genuinely can't talk to a man without thinking about grabbing his cock.

I mean, I'm joking, but only semi joking. It's always seemed as if the whole 'I don't let my husband hang out with THOSE WHORISH WOMENFOLK' thing came from a really peculiar world view that did see all interactions as far more sexualized than mine have ever been.

Well I’m not gay but I know my gay daughter thinks of her best friend like a sister. But she has also had issues with gay women she thought just liked her as friend, then wanting more. So I’m thinking gay people have the same sort of issues of friends often wanting more.

Well, yes. I'm not saying there is no such thing as friends having feelings for each other. But surely the fact that your daughter has a female best friend, despite being gay, means it is possible to be platonic friends with someone of your preferred gender? Do you think your daughter's partner should be pissed at her for 'basically dating' her best friend? Should she not socialize with women at all and only men? Or would those also be bad because the men might fancy her and it would be disrespectful to their wives?

My husband has had many female friends over the course of our marriage so far. Only one has been a problem, the others have always socialised with both of us as well as occasionally him without me, they’ve been people I’ve become friendly with too if not close friends. The one that was an issue for our marriage was completely separate from me, barely mentioned to me after the initial new friend phase and just felt different. The red flags were correct in that case although it never became a full blown affair. I’d probably be more wary of new female friends in future. Equally he’d not automatically be bothered if I made a male friend or saw male friends he already knows.

If married men are cheating its usually with more than one person.

On what basis is this comment made?

Working with them

Confessions from them or the bits on the side.

Overhearing conversations.

The gay couples I know have similar issues. One lovely but extremely flirtatious woman I know has caused havoc with a lot of committed lesbian couples in my area! She loves being centre of attention.

I don’t think it’s as simple as never having an friend from the gender you fancy. However there is a line, don’t you think?

On the subject of interactions with gay women, I guess the issue of sexual chemistry just never occurs to me as a possiblity so doesn’t bother me or impede a friendship. Also, a woman having a potential crush on you is less threatening than a man. It’s just not something you consider really. As a straight woman, there’s no sexual dynamic there with another woman and if there’s any flirting cues, they probably just go right over your head.

I think between men and women there is invariably a sexual dynamic to some extent - even if you’re defining the relationship in terms of the absence if it.