...to be sick of women being made to feel uncool for feeling insecure about their husbands female friends?

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Is it just me?

There are often threads here from women, girlfriends, wives who have husbands who have a ‘close female friend’ and are exclusive of the wife/gf. Often they get told on MN that they are jealous, insecure and controlling for feeling uncomfortable.

Isn’t this a case of other women being a bit misogynistic towards a poster feeling insecure?

Why on earth is it ‘cool’ to be oh so fine with your man having as many close female relationships as he likes?

And why is it assumed that cheating only ever happens because the man is going to cheat anyway, it’s hard wired? That it doesn’t matter whether they have female friendships are not.

I don’t understand and I think we are in danger of putting ourselves down as women telling others not to trust their instincts.

Why aren’t healthy boundaries cool? I think that they are.

That’s not to say that opposite sex friendships are banned, but there is a healthy balance.

Unless a woman is being very jealous, not letting her partner look at another woman etc, then I’d say 90% of these posts are from women who really are being disrespected and demeaned by their partners.

Just feel a bit depressed to see so many women be put down for this!

My partner seems to have more female friends than male. He's close to some of them and confides in them from time to time. The reasons I'm ok with that are:

• they have all made an effort to meet me and get to know me
• he is interested in their partners too and never leaves them or me out
• he tells me if he has confided in one of them (and they tend to give really good advice that helps our relationship)
• it means he doesn't need to confide in our mutual close friends about things that affect both of us

I would not be OK with him having female friends I'd never met and who took no interest in me, who hid their friendship with him from their partners. I don't know anyone who would find that OK to be honest.

His WIFE should be his best friend, not you

But that’s just a different opinion. I have never felt I needed my then husband to be my best friend. I wanted more than friendship from him. I want friendship from my friends - platonic friendship.

I don’t think it’s as simple as never having an friend from the gender you fancy. However there is a line, don’t you think?

Oh yeah, absolutely. Every relationship has boundaries, although those will be, in my experience, very personal to the couple in question. I knew one couple once who were in an open relationship where sex with other people was fine, but they had some specific pet names and in jokes that it would be cheating to say to other people. Obvs, most people will have slightly more mainstream rules!

But I'm not saying 'no boundaries' - I just get the rage at all these 'men and women can't be friends which is why I never let my DH spend time alone with a woman and you're a deluded doormat if you do'.

@rudewordsaretheshit

My partner seems to have more female friends than male. He's close to some of them and confides in them from time to time. The reasons I'm ok with that are:
-they have all made an effort to meet me and get to know me-he is interested in their partners too and never leaves them or me out
- he tells me if he has confided in one of them (and they tend to give really good advice that helps our relationship)
- it means he doesn't need to confide in our mutual close friends about things that affect both of us.

I would not be OK with him having female friends I'd never met and who took no interest in me, who hid their friendship with him from their partners. I don't know anyone who would find that OK to be honest.

Exactly this. ^ well said. I know all my DH's female pals, and he knows my male ones. I mean, they don't have much to do with him (and I don't with his female pals, but we do speak, and they are nice to me, and so are my male pals to DH.)

But when women come on here and say some other woman's husband is their BEST FRIEND, that is questionable at best, sinister and creepy at worst. As I said, I bet all these married men never tell anyone that their best friend is the female in question who is claiming the married man is her best friend........

But when women come on here and say some other woman's husband is their BEST FRIEND, that is questionable at best, sinister and creepy at worst

Well there’s some massive projection.

Agreed, JacquesHammer. I love my husband, but he’s my husband, the only person I have made vows to, the only one I have sex with, the co-parent of my child, the person I share finances and a household with — none of these things are elements of my relationship with my male best friend. He in turn has that relationship with his wife.

A marriage/committed sexual relationship is an entirely different thing to a friendship, even a ‘best’ friendship, for me. Others may feel differently, but they are not in my marriage or friendships.

I'm bisexual. If I couldn't have close friendships with people I could potentially be attracted to I wouldn't have any friends

I have some 'almost friends' who are men. They all want sex. On that evidence I conclude that men who are friendly with women are hoping to get a legover.

I do think claiming to be “best friends” with another woman’s husband is odd tbh. To me it wouid come across as needy / lacking boundaries. I just wouldn’t think like that out of respect for his wife. I’d never be so arrogant or needy to presume that my friendship is more / as important than his marriage and I’d just back off accordingly.

Plastic - yes I have to agree with you, if I’m absolutely honest.

Yes I too would find the word ‘best’ as a competitive assertion of territory. I’d find that annoying, the FF of DH said often he was her best friend.

On that evidence I conclude that men who are friendly with women are hoping to get a legover

Well my longest standing male friend has been my friend since 1998ish. He’s still waiting so he’s clearly playing the long game

I really disagree though, much like I don’t want to shag every guy I’m friends with (or indeed any guy I’m friends with) apart from the one specifically for that purpose, I’m quite positive that my male friends don’t want to shag me.

It's when they lie......
I'm going out walking for the day he says ......
You follow him to the local train station and see him there walking boots and backpack meeting with another woman. It transpired that 'the wife was too busy to go walking that day'.
This 'OW' had received a rather drunken rant (me thinking sisters together) awhile previously about how pissed off I was with the way he had arranged his social life to exclude his DW.
The last crazy episode was DH attending the opera with this OW and me sitting a few rows behind, I enjoyed myself, struck up a conversation with the nice gentlemen sitting beside me and walked out in the interval right in front of DH + OW (front row she's short-sighted!).

It is controlling telling DP who he/she can/cannot be friends with based on opposite sex.

But fucking hell, it's such a lottery though right? For every great male/female relationship, there's another infidelity, physical or emotional.

Who likes them odds, and can you blame them?

I was trusting, it's in my nature, and probably won't change despite my XW infidelity after 18 years and 12 married. I don't think many would blame me for being worried in the future though.

My husband’s best friend is female. In fact they were a couple in their early twenties. I couldn’t care less. They go out alone, usually have lunch together once a week and talk and text all the time. I’ve known her as long as I’ve known him. He was an usher at her wedding, she organised his stag night. I know her husband and we go out as a group too. The likelihood of them having a fling is so remote that it has never occurred to me.

Honestly. Is calling another woman your best friend ‘a competitive assertion of territory’, if she’s married? Are you stealing her affections from her husband, whose best friend she’s supposed to be, apparently?

I’d never be so arrogant or needy to presume that my friendship is more / as important than his marriage and I’d just back off accordingly.

I think when women say a married man is their best friend they mean exactly what they would if they referred to a married woman as their best friend. Out of all their platonic friends that man/women is the most important. I very much doubt anyone is implying they expect to be put before their friend's spouse. That would be crazy whether your best friend happened to be a man or a woman.

If I’m honest this would annoy me. They go out alone, usually have lunch together once a week and talk and text all the time. but I respect your view it’s your relationship.

I’m surprised by the amount of posters who assume that this thread is calling for no opposite sex/attracted sex friendships when you get married. I’ve not called for that. I don’t think I’ve seen a thread of a woman saying that to her husband. What I’ve seen is many threads where the woman has an instinct about a female friendship, or about the amount of friendships her husband has, and is shot down for being uncool and controlling.

I’m concerned because in my experience I’ve seen quite a few women who have been made to feel very insecure and belittled by their husbands female friendships. Like the poor woman cited here who had a husband have close FFs at work for 15 years - it eroded her sense of self worth but she felt she couldn’t say anything, until she struck up a friendship herself and her husband went mental.

I don’t think sex has to be involved to be damaging to the other person. You can clearly see in these cases it is the husband who has the upper hand, and feeding off his FF.

I think if I said to DH that my best friend was a straight man, he’d think I was a loon and he’d probably tell me in no uncertain terms he wasn’t happy about it. It would probably drive a wedge between us, if I’m absolutely honest. Similarly, I couldn’t imagine him being “best friends” with a woman and going out just to chat to her. What would they have in common really? He would feel like a creep if she would married. He just doesn’t relate in that way to women.

Do you just reserve the right to do exactly what you want and would leave your relationship if your partner said they were uncomfortable?

Yes I do, and yes I would. I have dumped boyfriends before because they were jealous about my male friends, who’ve been on the scene way before the boyfriend was. My priorities go like this: myself, friends, boyfriend.

I don’t impose any different boundaries on my male friends than female. I’ve been on holiday with just a male friend, we shared a room and even went skinny dipping. Nothing remotely sexual has ever happened between us - his last girlfriend, who I met through him and became great friends with, is still one of my closest friends. I sometimes hung out with him alone, sometimes with them both together. I confide in my male friends about my relationships and they do the same with me. If I’m dating, I would happily introduce my partner to my male friends, but would also want time alone to catch up with them too, just as I would my female friends. I’m sorry, but it is pathetic to feel threatened by someone’s friendship. It’s also internalised misogyny, because you’re assuming that the fact your partner is friends with a woman means there’s a sexual element and she must be some wanton slut after your husband. I find insecurity and possessiveness a massive turn off - not only would I not date a man like that, I wouldn’t particularly want to be friends with women who thought like that either

Similarly, I couldn’t imagine him being “best friends” with a woman and going out just to chat to her. What would they have in common really? He would feel like a creep if she would married. He just doesn’t relate in that way to women.

Well, I talk to my male friends about politics, movies, comics, music and gigs, rugby, sometimes a sport I do if they also do the same sport, friends we have in common, travel and travel stories - the same kind of things I talk to women about.

What on earth is your husband into if he can't talk to anyone with an XX chromasome about it? Does he just meet up with his male friends and discuss penis measurements or something? I do agree though, it's probably for the best if he stays away from women if he can't relate to them at all except as sex objects!

Working with them

Confessions from them or the bits on the side.

Overhearing conversations

You obviously work in a certain kind of environment.

For a MM to get multiple OW, I'd suggest he has to have a lot going for him...at least on the surface and have a lot of time to juggle all these women.

A great misconception is that men cheat more than women... thats not the case.

What does anyone have in common with someone of the opposite sex? Potentially everything but genitals and gender?

My (male) best friend is originally from the same country I’m from, we attended the same UK university, though not at the same time, we did the same first degrees, speak the same languages, both work in cognate fields in the same workplace (where we met), we both read omnivorously, we both had children late.

In fact, apart from the country of origin, pretty much the same things I have in common with my other, female close friend.

I spent a good few years working in pubs. You will be surprised what people tell you. I have learnt far too much about far too many people over the years that's for sure.

And you would also he very surprised at the kind of people who do seen to have multiple women/men.

I've lost count of how many men who have sat and tried to talk to me all night telling me all about their wives

It also was usually when they came on on their own or were out with another guy.

No one bats an eye lid at their husband or wife down the pub on a Friday night with same sex friends. Personally if you are the jealous type I'd worry far more about that than I ever would about a meeting with an opposite sex friend.

As for not imagining it well people are so diverse how could you ever make the assumption a man and woman would have nothing in common or anything to talk about. how would you ever find out if you made that assumption.

You see this kind of put down worries me...
it is pathetic to feel threatened by someone’s friendship.

Many women post on here really worried, very down and have marriages and families. I don’t think every friendship is bad, but many reported here are, and for a woman to be labelled pathetic is pretty harsh.

There are such things as emotional affairs. I believe DH was having one with his FF, or more to the point she was with him and he let it. I don’t think I was being pathetic.