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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Boundaries?

285 replies

Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 19:32

I really don't think I'm being unreasonable but tell me if I am. In short...

There's a woman my partner works with who is attracted to him. Because of this I think he should avoid her where possible. Obviously normal work interactions are fine but anything beyond that I don't think he should engage in

He doesn't see the issue or why it'd bother me him talking to her socially or sharing food/drink etc with her at work or telling her about himself

AIBU?

OP posts:
BlackSatinDancer · 05/04/2019 17:34

She has really reeled him in hasn't she? She's backed off (according to him) and he's obsessively looking her up on FB and Instagram.

I thought it very interesting that he came home and told you what she supposedly said. I'm not sure I believe him. Maybe he made that up because you'd been asking about her more than he liked you to.

Whether she has backed off or not, your partner appears to have feelings for her and you would be very unwise to marry him under the circumstances.

Nearlythere1 · 05/04/2019 18:03

OP, open your eyes for goodness sake. I know it hurts but come on. That woman is playing your partner like a fiddle and you are sitting by and watching. Honestly at the rate he's going it sounds like he'll be the one to call the wedding off. Think how fast this has all occurred, from your first post now to this social media stalking. I'm almost positive he has said something to her about you questioning the relationship and that's what triggered her "backing off" conversation. It happened so quickly on the back of your original post. Ergo, he was sharing personal information with her, about his wife's fears no less. That is unconscionable. They are either going to end up in an affair if that's what she wants (remember, she is in control here), or she's going to dump him the second she gets him and the chase is over. At which point, he'll come crawling back to you.

Motoko · 05/04/2019 18:12

How on earth are you tolerating that?

Original poster
Pomo81 · 05/04/2019 20:01

I believe him that she's stayed away. I can weirdly see things from her pov. If she does care about him then maybe she's actually hurt and will stay away...

That's not my issue obviously. I asked him about Instagram and he said she requested to follow him and must have unfollowed him straight away. He sees him answering my questions as proof its innocent on his part

OP posts:
Motoko · 05/04/2019 21:32

Bullshit! Why would she request to follow him, then unfollow him straight away?

Instagram's not like Facebook where you need to request to be a friend, unless his account is private. Is his account private?

Hanab · 05/04/2019 22:10

You know OP I have been following this thread from the onset ..

No matter what we see as outsiders you either don’t want to see it for you make excuses for him ..

You know lines have been crossed .. you just don’t have it in black & white .. you are so desperate ( it seems to me) to see good in him .. rightly so as you would not have accepted his proposal or had a kid with him..

However,
He is playing you! Point blank!
He is having his cake an eating it too ..

He would not, never in a million years fo what he is continuously doing after being confronted or discussing your feelings over & over ..

He is border line obsessed if he is now stalking her profile..

His head has been turned & he is attempting damage control before he loses in this game he is playing ..

I will now refrain from putting my thoughts down on this matter because OP I feel sorry for you. You don’t deserve this 🌷

Hanab · 05/04/2019 22:12

Excuse the typos hope it makes sense though .. I am angry for you 🌷hope everything works out the way you want it to!

AlexaAmbidextra · 06/04/2019 00:27

OP. You seem very fixated on the idea of this woman staying away. What you really should be expecting is for your partner to stay away. If he was fully committed to you with no interest in her then her actions would be irrelevant. He’s the one in a relationship with you. She isn’t. He should be keeping his distance. Sadly though it seems that he’s enjoying it too much. ☹️

Jon65 · 06/04/2019 00:32

I too would have problems with his behaviour.

Vehivle · 06/04/2019 00:59

Hi OP, I'm really sorry I only found this thread today! I have read it through (well first few pages and then just your updates) and I was absolutely STUNNED at the pile on of posters saying you were being unreasonable/ controlling. FWIW even from your 1st post, I'd have said you were not bu! Maybe I'm old fashioned but if my DH had a special female friend at work I wouldn't like it at all and would tell him this AND would expect him to make amendments so he can continue to work for her but to maintain professional boundaries. None of this eating lunch together on a regular basis or playing silly pranks (essentially teasing each other / light flirting) on each other. Like someone said on a different thread - it's never Trevor from accounts that men become all buddy-buddy and sharing cakes and giggles and having long deep meaningful chats with. When I read your OP to my partner his first words were "he's fishing around". It may be because your marriage date is coming up and the finality of it is making your partner start to act out. It's one thing to end things with a girlfriend and smoothly move on to seeing other people - but it's not as easy when you're married. So often marriage itself does change the dynamic of the relationship and can test it because it does feel more final and you're more bound to the other person. Which is probably why after 6 long years - only now is your partner starting to behave this way. I definitely wouldn't go through with the wedding. I'm not saying break up with him. You have a kid together I get that. What I would do though is call off the wedding. Women do all the time for practical reasons (one lady on here posted that she'd change the date 3 x!). So it's not the end of the world - you may lose some deposits on things but it would be worth it. Call it off and give him a short sharp shock. Show him the potential consequences of him not taking your feelings seriously. You have told him you're not comfortable with the relationship he has with this woman and he has reacted dismissively. He's going on her fb, insisting on continuing the relationship even though the woman herself has said she wants to stay away. FYI that is TOTALLY her pulling a move. Like a PP said above so perfectly - she's essentially telling him she wants him but can't "because he's soon to get married". Then she removes herself from him but not completely as they work together so he sees her at work but she does the whole ignoring him or giving him short answers and this of course drives him to distraction- forbidden fruit and all that - and because he will now miss what they had (work bantz) and will make effort to win her back whilst telling himself that it's just a friendship and how good of a person she is being so moral. All the while he'll be falling for her more. When she finally rewards his efforts with "OK I guess we can be friend" he'll be so happy to have her back as his work pal he will start looking forward to seeing her each day and spending time with her (now he's experienced how it feels with her distant) and soon he'll start thinking of her more and before you know it he'll realise he has feelings for her etc.

By basically pulling a drastic move and forcing him to see he may lose you - I get that I'm asking you to do the "pick me" dance which i usually would never recommend. But at this point he hasn't crossed that final line - it's still worth fighting to get him back. But first he needs to realise he is being a fool! A shock will do that.

He has no excuses to be honest. You don't want him talking to her unnecessarily - SHE doesn't want him talking to her unnecessarily (she says anyway!). Why not play the card she dealt to the max by having him follow the wishes of you both and literally NOT talk to her unnecessarily anymore. You can tell him he'll be making both parties happy. He will be forced to agree with his and eventually with time and lack of contact with her, his feelings for her will die. And she will get a massive surprise as I expect she hopes her "I must stay away from you for my own good!" play will result in him being like "no! I can't lose you as my friend!" And fighting to stay close to her (which he is predictably doing now with his whole "must talk to her about it as I'm confused!). But instead it will massively backfire with him just totally distancing himself back and her ego will be hurt and hopefully she will be too embarrassed to go back to him saying "what happened?". Though be careful - she might be one of those utterly shameless women who on realising their play isn't working, will go back to the man saying "this is silly. I miss my work friend too much" etc and then their relationship will resume. Hopefully he will tell you if she does that and you can tell him that's not on.

Again to all those people saying "it's controlling". Sorry but when I got married my commitment was to my husband. I have plenty of close male friends but if my husband told me I was getting too close to one or he felt uncomfortable with that friendship - I would put my husband first and foremost and would apologise to my friend but place some more boundaries in to ensure my husband felt OK. My husband isn't controlling or abusive at all and I'm not to him. But we recognise - much like what the consensus was on the other thread - NO marriage is affair proof! Feelings can easily morph from close friends to suddenly something more. So it is perfectly reasonable to be aware of this and to communicate it to your partner like a grown up when you get the feeling that it's happening to your partner. As often the person starting an EA is too blind to see it. Their partner first notices with mentionitist. Again - this is all such common sense that my mind is blown at the rubbish "your being UR/controlling" responses from posters on the 1st and 2nd pages. OP trust your gut and confront your partner. You deserve so much more than this. Demand and ensure you get the respect and commitment you deserve!!!

Aria999 · 06/04/2019 02:44

OP, you're being lovely but his behavior is pretty disrespectful to you. I think you need a way to make him see that. What have you tried?

I normally feel mumsnet is a bit trigger happy with 'LTB' but I really agree with other posters saying your DP needs to get a grip.

BlueEyedPersephone · 06/04/2019 07:35

He has to disengage on all social media, or he is just having it all. He is ensuring you feel sorry for the women so that when he re- friends her, it will be with your blessing.
Please make sure their EA is over and gone before you marry him.

0nTheEdge · 06/04/2019 08:50

He's being a total arse, i don't see this ending well. If he had any decency he'd keep his distance from her. I thought at first he was maybe just being naive but now he knows she likes him he should back the fudge off! Mooning around after her in from of you is absolutely disgusting, and the worst bit is that he thinks he's done no wrong. I'd have lost all respect for him by this point. Sorry to be blunt. How are you feeling about it all? Not about her, him.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 06/04/2019 18:38

Motoko, his profile is private, yes

OP posts:
Original poster
Pomo81 · 06/04/2019 18:41

Thanks for all your replies

I'm not as measured as I might seem here but I'm not a shouter either. I don't actually hold any ill will towards her as I don't know what's happened. If it's just that she likes him then I get it (obviously, as I did the same)

How do I feel about him... Confused I think. I know he loves me and our son but even if I knew nothing and she'd never said anything I don't think you should be following someone you see on a daily basis and find attractive when you're getting married?

OP posts:
Motoko · 06/04/2019 19:09

No, you shouldn't.

He very obviously has inappropriate feelings for her. As PPs have said, he's behaving like a jilted boyfriend.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 06/04/2019 19:19

So that's not me being ridiculous, just on its own following someone you find attractive and see daily when you're not single isn't good?

OP posts:
Kisskiss · 06/04/2019 19:30

What a tough situation you’re in! I find it weird he told you what she said ( about being attracted to him), his reaction /mood after leaves me feeling u settled as well. If he only saw her as a friend he would have expressed surprise and laughed it off as something he wasn’t expecting ..

Motoko · 06/04/2019 19:43

He's actively seeking her out on social media! Of course it's not good!

Add in that he knows how you're feeling, yet he's dismissing it, as though what you feel doesn't matter, and it's bad, really bad. Especially as you're supposed to be getting married in a matter of weeks.

The only woman he should have eyes for, is YOU.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 06/04/2019 19:49

I think I'm just confused what's normal... As I said, no issue in six years. But where is the line between harmless attraction to others and too far? Taking away everything about me telling him how I feel and what she said to him

OP posts:
Kisskiss · 06/04/2019 20:18

He should show you respect and consideration by listening to what iScanner worrying you... to be fair, now that she’s outright told him she fancies him, your niggles were totally justified.
I’m not in the camp that believes spouses should only consider their other halves feelings regardless of whether they are being reasonable or not, but I think this situation has crossed quite far over the inappropriate line and your dp really needs a good shake!

AlexaAmbidextra · 06/04/2019 20:28

OP. Please believe most people that are responding to you when they say DP’s behaviour is so completely out of order. I know you want it to be ‘normal’ as the alternative is too painful for you to contemplate, especially as you have a wedding planned shortly. But you have a DP who seems to be obsessed with another woman and simply doesn’t care how he’s hurting you. This is not the basis upon which you should be considering marriage with him. What you should be doing is showing him the door as he shows no sign of stopping this outrageous behaviour nor remotely wanting to. I’m so sorry. This is a truly shitty situation for you. But imo, it’s only going to get worse unless you wake up. 💐

Aria999 · 07/04/2019 07:00

It's not you being ridiculous. He likes her, she likes him. If he was single they would clearly be getting together at this point. It's one thing to be friends with another woman but this is more than that. I don't know how to express it very well but if he's closer to her than you, cares more about interacting with her than you (on social media or otherwise) but is still with you, then that's disrespectful.

Aria999 · 07/04/2019 07:03

He needs either to distance himself from her and lose his feelings for her for the sake of your relationship or bite the bullet and decide he can't live without her. Otherwise she's taking up emotional space and closeness to him that need to be yours if your relationship is going to last.

Sodamncaughtinthemiddle · 07/04/2019 07:12

He's definitely got feelings for her.
If not a full blown affair it's an emotional affair
I would postpone the wedding
Take power back