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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Boundaries?

285 replies

Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 19:32

I really don't think I'm being unreasonable but tell me if I am. In short...

There's a woman my partner works with who is attracted to him. Because of this I think he should avoid her where possible. Obviously normal work interactions are fine but anything beyond that I don't think he should engage in

He doesn't see the issue or why it'd bother me him talking to her socially or sharing food/drink etc with her at work or telling her about himself

AIBU?

OP posts:
starzig · 20/03/2019 20:52

Restricting to work interaction and small talk doesn't make a good team environment. You spend a lot of time with colleagues, you need to be able to share stuff and have a laugh too.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 20:55

They aren't in the same team, just the same building and he's two grades higher than her. I'm not saying they can't talk or can't talk to women or whatever. I'm saying if even he acknowledges she likes him then he should be respectful to both of us and not engage in bonding more

OP posts:
starzig · 20/03/2019 20:59

Be careful you don't drive him away.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 21:01

I've already said I'd never tell him he can't do anything. I don't think me not liking him spending time with a woman who likes him by choice is going to drive him away

OP posts:
PengAly · 20/03/2019 21:01

You really do seem quite insecure, OP. Why is it a big deal if he is friends with her and chats to her? As long as she doesnt make a move and he doesnt lead her on then all seems innocent. You need to work out why you are so paranoid because its going to make you very controlling.

Nicknacky · 20/03/2019 21:04

How do you know all this? You just be quizzing him like mad.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 20/03/2019 21:05

Op this would be very unprofessional. She will think she has done something wrong regardless of whether she fancies him. You sound controlling unless he has a form of cheating?

PengAly · 20/03/2019 21:07

Have you considered how awkward itd be for you DH to just stop a friendly work relationship? You say you wont tell him he cant talk to her but what exactly do you expect him to do? Give her a list of do's and dont's?? Confused

Original poster
Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 21:14

Not to be a twat, but it's not just friendly work chat. I already said that he missed meetings because he was distracted chatting to her

Maybe I am insecure. But I've never had reason to be before. We're getting married soon and I don't see why he'd need to befriend anyone he knows is attracted to him

OP posts:
BlueMerchant · 20/03/2019 21:15

I don't understand how people wouldn't feel uneasy. I would hate my OH spending time with and bonding, accepting/sharing food, personal information and whatever else with a woman who fancied him.
I'd expect him to show a bit of respect for our relationship by 'cooling' things with this woman if I'd told him I felt uncomfortable.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 21:16

What do I expect him to do... Not go out of his way to spend time with her. Be normal and professional but not want to sit and talk with her while he should be doing work or accept any 'gifts' from her

OP posts:
PleaseJustSayNo · 20/03/2019 21:17

Yeah, sorry OP but none of your updates are making you look any better. Or him any worse.

I think you need to get over this. And quickly. You have literally given NO evidence to support even a single one of your claims

PleaseJustSayNo · 20/03/2019 21:18

@BlueMerchant there is no evidence of her fancying him other than what OP thinks

Nicknacky · 20/03/2019 21:18

How do you know she is attracted to him?

Hanab · 20/03/2019 21:19

I honestly think you are all being too harsh on OP..
she has that gut feeling that something is brewing and OH is dismissing her feelings ..
come on people red flags!
He is entering EAffair territory ..

OP you can only ask OH to acknowledge your feelings .. but I would definitely keep a close eye on things 🌷

Nicknacky · 20/03/2019 21:19

It’s hardly gifts for crying out out.

Wallywobbles · 20/03/2019 21:21

Maybe look at buying the book not just friends busy Shirley Glass. And get him to read it. It'll help him see where this road might lead.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 21:22

Thanks Hanab. I'm posting here because I'm sad not to feel worse though I appreciate AIBU comes with the territory

I say gifts as that's how it feels. If someone sees something you know someone would like and leaves it on their desk for them and that's only done for that one person, I see that as unusual. If she did it for everyone I wouldn't care

OP posts:
Original poster
Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 21:23

Hanab, which bit sounds EAy to you? I feel a bit daft but there's something gut wise

OP posts:
user1474894224 · 20/03/2019 21:24

I'd be unhappy. I wouldn't want my OH sharing bits of cake with another woman.

My OH has had a couple of female colleagues he's been close too. Professionally rather than personally. Meeting up for coffee with then when he was at the same office. He even developed a website in his own time for one of them (she was selling handbags). I wasn't worried because he was completely open with me about this. Had there been any sense by me this was more than it was I wouldn't be happy.

Women do have an intuition....he should be pulling back a bit if you've expressed concerns.

Nicknacky · 20/03/2019 21:25

I went halve on an empire biscuit with one of the guys from work a couple of weeks ago. I managed not to shag him.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 21:26

That just sounds nasty for the hell of it. Please remember I'm a real person with feelings

OP posts:
Hanab · 20/03/2019 21:27

@POmo81

He is so into her ‘chats’ so he misses meetings ..

She telling him everything about her life .. surely he is reciprocating🤔

Spending unnecessary time with said colleague ..

Dismissing his partners fears/worries

Isth · 20/03/2019 21:27

Hmm. I don’t know. I started off thinking you were insecure and OTT but the more you say, the more I think your gut feeling could be right. Maybe it’s technically nothing right now but it’s verging on the too close line imo.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 21:30

Isth, I think my worry is that. I don't think he even gets what he's doing

OP posts: