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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Boundaries?

285 replies

Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 19:32

I really don't think I'm being unreasonable but tell me if I am. In short...

There's a woman my partner works with who is attracted to him. Because of this I think he should avoid her where possible. Obviously normal work interactions are fine but anything beyond that I don't think he should engage in

He doesn't see the issue or why it'd bother me him talking to her socially or sharing food/drink etc with her at work or telling her about himself

AIBU?

OP posts:
Motoko · 07/04/2019 11:00

Well, he's gone past harmless attraction, way past, and it's no longer harmless, he's harming you, your feelings and self esteem, and your relationship. And he's doing it in front of you too, to add insult to injury.

He crossed the line a while ago.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 15/04/2019 10:33

So things have been fine, thankfully until this morning. The new divorce laws came on the news before work and he made a remark on it like oh that's good to know...is it me or would that not even pop into your mind if you're about to get married??!

OP posts:
Motoko · 15/04/2019 10:58

No, most people getting married wouldn't even think about the possibility of divorce.

Save him the hassle of divorce, even with the new laws, and cut out the middle man - don't marry.

AlexaAmbidextra · 15/04/2019 12:27

I say this gently OP but how much more do you need posters on here to say before you will allow yourself to see that his behaviour is so inappropriate and unkind and that he really isn’t someone you should be marrying imminently?

Original poster
Pomo81 · 15/04/2019 20:52

Everything really did seem OK again. But even as a joke, wtf???

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 15/04/2019 22:45

But even as a joke, wtf???

But it isn’t a joke is it? It’s yet another example of his attitude towards you and how he doesn’t give a shit for your feelings. Like when he was telling you all about the woman at work and didn’t care that it was hurting you. I’m so sorry for you but this isn’t how someone treats the person they love.

Aria999 · 15/04/2019 22:47

Did you call him out on it?

Hanab · 15/04/2019 22:51

I have NO idea how you have not lost your cool with him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Goodness! Are you a saint with rose tinted glasses? I know if he was my SO i would have done something drastic by now🙈I would gladly tell him off for you

Tillygetsit · 16/04/2019 03:21

Sorry OP but he's treating you with no respect at all.Tell him this business with his work colleague has made you have second thoughts and you want to postpone the wedding. See how he reacts to that and I reckon you'll have your answer. Good luck.

kb1992 · 16/04/2019 15:19

I agree with Tillygetsit
Tell him you want to postpone the wedding and I reckon you'll find out how he really feels

Original poster
Pomo81 · 17/04/2019 18:13

OK I finally snapped and told him his comment had been playing on my mind. I then made him tell me everything and although I'm gutted, I believe him. I'm not sure what I want right now but it felt like the truth

I asked him if anything had happened with her and he said no, never kissed or anything like that. I got out of him that the furthest it'd gone was him holding her hand of sorts, instigated by him. I do believe him but what the hell. Why would you even do that?!

OP posts:
Hanab · 17/04/2019 19:13

🙈 you know there is more YOU know!

Aria999 · 17/04/2019 19:21

Sorry OP but clearly because he fancies the pants off her and can't control himself. Glad you got an admission.

I really feel you need to postpone the wedding until you guys are through this. You can't get married in the middle of this emotional uncertainty. Are you even sure you still want a wedding?

Original poster
Pomo81 · 17/04/2019 19:23

I know it might sound daft but I really do believe that's all. It was after that that she gave him her speech and has stayed away since.

You wouldn't even touch another woman's hand would you, if you were sure about me?

OP posts:
Aria999 · 17/04/2019 19:25

No you wouldn't. 🙁

Original poster
Pomo81 · 17/04/2019 20:46

:(

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 17/04/2019 22:01

You know what would worry me? That if she hadn’t stayed away, if indeed she has, how far would he have gone? It’s like taking a toy drum away from a child. The child stops banging the drum not because it no longer wants to but because the drum has been put out of reach. I just think that you are, quite understandably, choosing to believe what you want to hear.

TwinMummy1510 · 21/04/2019 03:59

@Pomo81 - what's happened since? Are you doing OK?

Original poster
Pomo81 · 24/04/2019 21:49

You'll probably think I'm a mug but I've not said anything else, I've wanted to watch him.

He's watching every time she posts. Do other men in their 30s watch all videos all their friends/work colleagues post? I'm genuinely asking sort of as an aside to my situation, even. She seems to post something daily or more than one and he's viewed every single one

OP posts:
Original poster
Pomo81 · 24/04/2019 21:54

You'll probably think I'm a mug but I've not said anything else to him, I wanted to watch him.

He's watched every time she's posted something. Sort of as an aside, is it normal for a man in their 30s to view every single thing their friends /work colleagues post? I'm genuinely asking putting my situation to one side... She posts daily sometimes more than once and he's viewed every video

OP posts:
Aria999 · 24/04/2019 22:01

I don't think so but I don't pay that much attention to what DH is doing on his phone.

I think your DP is still obsessed with his colleague.

It's possible he might just get over it in time (sounds like that's what you're hoping for?) but it's quite a big undiscussed thing to have hanging over your relationship especially given your upcoming wedding and his divorce comment...

Cherrysoup · 24/04/2019 22:02

OP, I fear you’re being a mug. He obviously is very interested in her to be following everything she posts. Do you trust him? Honestly, I’d be fucking fuming and wouldn’t marry someone who’s dicking round holding someone else’s hand etc. That’s just plain weird.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 24/04/2019 22:03

Would you use the word obsessed for the viewings or in general?

OP posts:
Aria999 · 24/04/2019 22:05

I think the viewings may be a symptom of his obsession but you have mentioned other symptoms like his reaction when she backed off from him and the whole set off stuff that had you concerned in the first place.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 24/04/2019 22:19

I've just asked a friend about the social media viewings but obviously not mentioned the rest. She said people who flick through social media videos must be bored

I won't pretend I haven't looked at her posts on his phone... I wanted to see what she posts that he keeps watching and it's mainly her pet or food or herself so not exactly thrilling content

OP posts:
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