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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Boundaries?

285 replies

Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 19:32

I really don't think I'm being unreasonable but tell me if I am. In short...

There's a woman my partner works with who is attracted to him. Because of this I think he should avoid her where possible. Obviously normal work interactions are fine but anything beyond that I don't think he should engage in

He doesn't see the issue or why it'd bother me him talking to her socially or sharing food/drink etc with her at work or telling her about himself

AIBU?

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 30/03/2019 22:26

I think she may be honest, I know if I was getting close to a guy who was due to be married, I would tell him to step away.
The wedding maybe had him flirt and fall as a last chance thing.
She has noticed the line getting crossed and pushed him back.
Give it a few days, then have a good chat, he has his family in you, I hope he gets it.

sprouts21 · 31/03/2019 04:19

Am I being really naive thinking maybe she was actually being honest?

Unfortunately yes you are. If she wanted to cool it she just would, there's no need to say anything. These things are not said to create distance, they are said to bring the issue into open discussion. He is acting stupid pretending to be confused, he knows exactly what she means. Instead of being offended (because he's getting married) he obviously wants to discuss it further.

They are not friends as you now realise. You mustn't be afraid to assert yourself here because you've really nothing to lose. I would tell him he is free to navel gaze about this woman's feelings and gawp at her Facebook but he won't be in a relationship with you while that's happening. Frankly unless he distances himself promptly I would tell him to leave.

Once these things start they are very difficult to stop and it won't be long at all till they are in a full blown affair.

QueenOfMyBee · 31/03/2019 07:52

It was a move. There is no reason to tell someone you are attracted to them. She could have easily said she was taking on a new project or something and so would be seeing him less and then carefully just pulled away.

She very cleverly told him she wanted him but made herself look like a moral person at the same time by doing "the right thing".

She has basically given him a massive come on..."I've got feelings for you but I know you are getting married. So, are you going to come and chase me? If so, at least I can say I tried to push you away..."

Eases her conscious.

As for him mooning about over her, I would be livid by now. Looking at her Facebook? What is he, 12? Missing work meetings because he was too busy chatting?! He won't stay two grades above her is he doesn't sort that out! How unprofessional!

This screams emotional affair or unhappiness in your relationship. I wouldn't be marrying him right now. I say that as a woman who has cancelled a wedding before too. Best decision I ever made.

Lots of people were really snipey at you when you first posted but I think your gut was clearly correct.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 31/03/2019 13:04

We have a son together too so it's not as simple as cancelling a wedding. Today I've woken up to a card and present and him following her on twitter as I looked at his phone. I feel horrible

OP posts:
BlueSaphire · 31/03/2019 13:46

Cancel the wedding.

If he is so fascinated with another woman before you wed, how can it get better after?

BlueSaphire · 31/03/2019 13:53

I have a friend who's husband of many years seemed to be getting too involved with a woman he worked with. She knew this because she had a friend who worked at the same place and she wanted to know what was happening...mood swings' casually mentioning this other woman, sprucing himself up...all the usual signs.

He even organised nights out with his wife, the woman and her partner at the time, and it became obvious to my friend that they fancied each other.
My friend nipped it in the bud by giving him an ultimatum, her or me, if it's me, no more cosy lunches together, no contact unless work related, he agreed, and they are still happily married.

sprouts21 · 31/03/2019 14:23

I would be absolutely furious about him following her on twitter. Have you challenged him about this?

AlexaAmbidextra · 31/03/2019 14:25

The more I read the more I think you would be making a huge mistake in marrying him. Not only is this, IMO, the prelude to a full-blown affair but he is being cruel and dismissing your feelings by carrying on regardless, even though he knows he’s hurting you. His behaviour shows that this is not a man who loves and cares for you and certainly not someone you should be planning to marry. I’m sorry for you. He’s a selfish shit and I suspect he wants out but is taking the cowardly way that so many do.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 31/03/2019 14:29

Sprouts, I haven't said anything about it yet as I looked at his phone. She's not following him

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 31/03/2019 14:30

I think she may be honest, I know if I was getting close to a guy who was due to be married, I would tell him to step away. The wedding maybe had him flirt and fall as a last chance thing. She has noticed the line getting crossed and pushed him back.

No way is this her being honest. She’s throwing down the gauntlet. It’s an invitation.

sprouts21 · 31/03/2019 14:48

www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/divorce-and-remarriage/anatomy-of-an-affair-what-are-the-4-phases-of-a-close-call.html

Op all affairs start out in the same predictable way. You will see from the article that this stating of feelings is typical, along with "on and off "again dance. Your husband is acting like he is obsessed with her.

Having spent far too much time on infidelity forums, it's quite obvious to me that the worse thing you can do is be passive about it. This has already gone way over the line. Sometimes the cheater needs a massive wake up call.

QueenOfMyBee · 31/03/2019 19:08

We have a son together too so it's not as simple as cancelling a wedding.

With all due respect, because I know this is an awful thing to go through when you have a child together, but it is as simple as cancelling it. By marrying him and legalising your relationship you are making it harder to leave if it turns out this is an affair or turning into one. However I suspect you will still marry him regardless.

So, instead, I suggest you have it out with him properly.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 31/03/2019 20:50

I think cancelling would be a bit drastic as I don't know if he's actually done anything. I think I'm still just processing myself.

I asked him about following her on twitter and he said it was nothing and he'd unfollow her if it bothered me.

If it is just at the level I've said on here, do you still think that's something to worry about? Even if it never went further than conversation and having an attraction to her?

OP posts:
bananamonkey · 31/03/2019 21:00

I really can’t understand why you’re not livid about this. He’s massively disrespecting you and he needs a sharp reality check before it gets worse.

Aria999 · 31/03/2019 21:03

Being attracted to her is ok but he needs to do something about it. Why wasn't it him saying 'this is unfair on my partner, I need to back off now '

Original poster
Pomo81 · 31/03/2019 21:29

I'm not not livid, I think I just don't understand. Iffff it's just conversations and an attraction is that warranted for being livid? If he genuinely didn't know she liked him?

OP posts:
bananamonkey · 31/03/2019 22:11

Of course he knew. And as soon as she tells him, he doesn’t agree that she should back off instead he wants to discuss it further and he’s straight on her social media when he’s back at home with you. That’s disrespectful to me. But you seem happy to be passive in this and that’s your prerogative.

bananamonkey · 31/03/2019 22:26

Sorry that seems unnecessarily harsh, I’m just annoyed on your behalf!

AlexaAmbidextra · 01/04/2019 17:33

I feel very sorry for OP but I don’t think she’ll be back. There’s far too much honesty on this thread for her and it seems as though she’s desperately trying to minimise. She’ll marry him in a couple of months time and be back here later this year saying that he’s having an affair with the work colleague or has run off with her. Sad but sometimes people refuse to see what’s staring them in the face.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 01/04/2019 18:19

Don't think I'll be back? I posted less than 24 hours ago fgs.

Im not minimising anything, I'm processing and that's allowed.

OP posts:
MumUnderTheMoon · 01/04/2019 18:42

YABU just because she might have feelings for him doesn't mean he should alter his behaviour.

AlexaAmbidextra · 01/04/2019 19:12

YABU just because she might have feelings for him doesn't mean he should alter his behaviour.

Of course he should alter his behaviour. He should stop encouraging her and mooning about as if he’s 15. He could try being more considerate of OP’s feelings too.

Motoko · 01/04/2019 19:37

OP, you CAN cancel the wedding (or postpone it, if you'd prefer) because he has totally dismissed your feelings about this.

Someone who does that, is not someone you want to tie yourself to, because this won't be the only time he disregards you.

Forget about the seemingly flimsy reasons you feel like this, the fact that he's totally dismissing your feelings is what's important here.

Also, the term "7 year itch" came about, because this time in a relationship is well known for being a trigger point in relationship breakdowns.

Don't go ahead and marry him, just because it's hard to cancel it. It's a damn sight harder to divorce.

Postpone the wedding until this is thoroughly sorted out, one way or another. And you need to put your foot down about his mood, and following her on SM.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 05/04/2019 17:09

So I didn't say anything. I thought I'd let myself see if she really did stay away from him.
I asked him tonight if he'd spoken to her and he said barely, she seems to have meant what she said

He's also now following her on Instagram and watching every story she posts. He does watch lots of people's stories but??????

OP posts:
TanquerayTickles · 05/04/2019 17:34

He's behaving like a dumped teenage boyfriend, someone with a massive crush, stalking her social media, etc. I would lay it on the line to him that this behaviour is so utterly disrespectful to you that it would be a deal breaker for most people. He needs a short, sharp, shock to pull his head out of the clouds.

He's mooning over another woman, in your home, around you, and thinks that's ok? It's appalling!

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, it's such shitty behaviour.