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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Boundaries?

285 replies

Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 19:32

I really don't think I'm being unreasonable but tell me if I am. In short...

There's a woman my partner works with who is attracted to him. Because of this I think he should avoid her where possible. Obviously normal work interactions are fine but anything beyond that I don't think he should engage in

He doesn't see the issue or why it'd bother me him talking to her socially or sharing food/drink etc with her at work or telling her about himself

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pomo81 · 30/03/2019 21:14

I'm never going to defend her in a million years but it didn't seem like a move. He said she wouldn't speak to him after and said she had work to finish. I don't know if it's worse that she's actually serious

OP posts:
Ilovemypantry · 30/03/2019 21:17

Why is he looking at her FB page? Have you asked him?

Original poster
Pomo81 · 30/03/2019 21:21

He just said nothing when I asked. I said if she's told him what she did earlier, he should listen

OP posts:
Tinkoschminko · 30/03/2019 21:24

So he went back to try and talk to her about it and she cut him off? Wonder if she’s feeling less than charitable. Maybe she feels she’s received some mixed messages...

BitOfFun · 30/03/2019 21:25

So is he going to cut out the silly flirting at work?

I honestly wouldn't firm up any plans to marry this man, POMO. See what unfolds first.

EmeraldShamrock · 30/03/2019 21:27

He will get over it, his ego is bruised, let him lick his wounds.
She may be on MN, read the thread.
I think we all find ourselves at one time attracted to another during a long relationship, it is when boundaries come in, it is over now, move on.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 30/03/2019 21:28

The wedding is booked and is two months away...

OP posts:
Original poster
Pomo81 · 30/03/2019 21:28

Apparently he did. I said what was there to talk about and he said he was confused and wanted to know what she meant.

OP posts:
Tinkoschminko · 30/03/2019 21:37

He’s confident enough to approach her after that. They’re either very close or he’s very confident.

BitOfFun · 30/03/2019 21:37

So how are you feeling? Do you feel confident marrying him?

Original poster
Pomo81 · 30/03/2019 21:42

I'm not sure how I feel, a bit bemused. I know he loves me but he shouldn't give a shit about her and his strange mood is bothering me

OP posts:
Original poster
Pomo81 · 30/03/2019 21:43

How do you mean confident enough?

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 30/03/2019 21:45

Have you got wedding insurance? Not sure how these things work really, sorry. I couldn't marry a man who was mooning after somebody else though.

BitOfFun · 30/03/2019 21:46

Confidence in him would look a bit different to this, I think. He's behaving as though he's been dumped.

PleaseJustSayNo · 30/03/2019 21:48

I'd be in a 'strange mood' too if someone I thought was a friend suddenly stopped being a friend, whatever the reason

Catinthetwat · 30/03/2019 21:52

It's time to give him the benefit of the doubt. He probably feels a bit sad that they can't be friends anymore and is maybe a bit confused as to what's gone on.

It should sort it's self out from here. By all means keep an eye on it, but it'll probably be fine.

Tinkoschminko · 30/03/2019 21:52

I just mean if I had a platonic relationship with someone and they told me they couldn’t talk to me because they had feelings, I’m not sure I’d have the balls to double-back and ask them to elaborate, unless of course, we were perhaps a bit closer than we should be. All speculation, though.

BitOfFun · 30/03/2019 21:53

Yes, perhaps EmeraldShamrock is right, and he just needs to lick his wounds for a bit. But I'd expect a proper, honest conversation about it in the next few days. He's really not understood your misgivings about the situation at all.

sprouts21 · 30/03/2019 21:55

Op it is definitely a move, and a well documented one. They're now going to start talking about their feelings for each other, and what they should do. She has effectively told him her feelings are so powerful she cannot be around him.

Tinkoschminko · 30/03/2019 21:58

I would never tell someone this unless it was a move. She just wanted him to know.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 30/03/2019 21:58

Am I being really naive thinking maybe she was actually being honest?

OP posts:
Tinkoschminko · 30/03/2019 22:00

If she really cared about him and needed to step away for the integrity of your marriage, she’d do it quietly surely?

Aria999 · 30/03/2019 22:01

I agree it sounds like it's an emotional affair. He's reacting like this because in a sense he has been dumped.

Also agree it's possibly a move on her part. Easy way to say she's interested without it seeming inappropriate, and then to make him really think about how much he likes her by withdrawing herself.

Not sure what to advise as it all happens in a work space where you can't really get involved. Have you asked him how he would feel if you had this kind of relationship with a male friend?

It's perfectly reasonable to trust that he won't physically cheat on you and yet still be uncomfortable with his level of emotional closeness with another woman.

Aria999 · 30/03/2019 22:02

And I say this as someone whose DH has lots of close female friends which I am perfectly comfortable with. This sounds different.

Tinkoschminko · 30/03/2019 22:03

I could never say this to a married man without feeling like a complete twat, unless I knew I was in with a shot.