Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Boundaries?

285 replies

Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 19:32

I really don't think I'm being unreasonable but tell me if I am. In short...

There's a woman my partner works with who is attracted to him. Because of this I think he should avoid her where possible. Obviously normal work interactions are fine but anything beyond that I don't think he should engage in

He doesn't see the issue or why it'd bother me him talking to her socially or sharing food/drink etc with her at work or telling her about himself

AIBU?

OP posts:
Verynice · 23/03/2019 06:10

In my very early days of dating my ex (say about 3 weeks), we were sitting outside a pub on the windowsill smoking and this damsel (his friends sister) came up to my now ex and put her hand on his knee and started chatting to him. I told her to get her hand off him Blush With hindsight, I wish she had snared him - she'd have saved me a decade of hell! But ye, I'm a bit wary of some women around men sometimes.

BertrandRussell · 23/03/2019 06:22

If you don’t trust him, dump him. Life’s too short.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 23/03/2019 07:00

I trust him and I've not had reason not to in six years. We have a son together and are getting married in a couple of months so it's not as simple as dump him :(

OP posts:
HarrysOwl · 23/03/2019 07:16

I've read the thread OP and at first I thought you were being controlling, and the problem was your self esteem.

But now...I think I'd be concerned too. Mentioning her a lot, talking via his personal phone when he's on annual leave, practical giggly jokes at work, shared hobby, missing meetings because they're engrossed in talking, sharing food and gifts, it could all be totally innocent but it could also be him going over the line a little.

I think I would trust him at this point, and carry on as you are. Don't push the issue, and see if he suddenly stops mentioning her whatsoever (red flag) or if it continues as it is and they are simply friends.

If she were a male colleague having these interactions with him, there wouldn't be any issue and it would simply be a case of him getting on well with a colleague, so I'd reassure myself with that.

HarrysOwl · 23/03/2019 07:20

If you don’t trust him, dump him. Life’s too short.

What shit advice.

How about working through issues as they arise in a relationship? Life isn't black and white. Honestly I think some posters forget don't care that there are real people with real lives and families behind the threads, and give 'advice' they'd never actually follow through with themselves.

BertrandRussell · 23/03/2019 07:25

It’s really not shit advice. If you think that the person you’re with is likely to cheat, then how are you ever going to trust then again? You’re going to spend the rest of your life worrying every time he’s half an hour late or changes the password on his phone. Being in a relationship is supposed to make you feel safe and secure and important. Not twitchy and threatened.

AgentJohnson · 23/03/2019 07:33

I understand your frustration and unease but you need to take a massive step back because you are firmly in ‘everything was fine until this bitch tried to muscle in on my man’ territory.

Your major difficulty isn’t her behaviour, it’s his and him liking the attention. I would think very carefully about the future of your relationship because either, he’s to stupid to appreciate the ramifications of his behaviour or he doesn’t care. Either way, you have a DP problem and this isn’t a small thing.

WoollyMummoth · 23/03/2019 07:51

The issue is that he is enjoying been made a fuss of by this creature, it’s fine to create bonds with people you spend a lot of time with at work, (hell it gets you through the day!) it’s not fine when he know it’s really upsetting you. I don’t think it will develop into anything serious I just think he’s loving having his ego stroked.

Windowsareforcheaters · 23/03/2019 08:03

If he is going to have an affair he will. If you 'put your foot down' he will just lie to you and tell you what you want to hear. Or he is telling the truth and you are damaging the relationship.

You can't control what he will do. Either he is trustworthy or he isn't.
You can control what you do.

HarrysOwl · 23/03/2019 08:06

It’s really not shit advice

It really is, though.

This is the first time in 6 years OP has had feelings like this. Relationships are complex, ever-changing and they evolve over time.

To suggest OP just dumps the relationship is part of this whole trend to throw away a relationship instead of working through issues as they come up.

Do you think a husband should dump his wife and children because his wife forms a friendship with a colleague and he's worried she'll have an affair?

Of course in an ideal world we'd trust our partners 100 percent but life happens, and we're, shock horror, human and not perfect, and when we love our partners it's reasonable for some people to have these feelings from time to time.

It's irresponsible to support such over reactions, when OP could have a happy marriage ahead of her and this could just be a blip to work through.

longwayoff · 23/03/2019 08:39

Collars and leads available at many pet stores. Microchipping also.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 23/03/2019 12:02

Longwayoff, what a massively twatty thing to say. Thank you, hope its made you feel better at least

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 23/03/2019 12:53

Pomo81 Tell him to knock the childish flirting on the head.
Get busy and ignore him for awhile, show him your not the only one with things to lose.
Is his flirting worth his family set up.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 23/03/2019 16:18

He says he doesnt think it's flirting, just messing around.

Agent Johnson, what do you mean this isn't a small thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pomo81 · 25/03/2019 17:33

I've been thinking about it the last few days and I think I'm going to say one last thing to him then that's it

Before I do, would you say it's OK or it's inappropriate the locking out/talking about personal stuff/texting if he's about to be married? Even if he's not planning on more?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pomo81 · 29/03/2019 19:09

Hopefully my only update... He kept mentioning her again so I told him again that it bothered me and he (I'm summarising) told me he does think she's attractive and they do get on really well but he doesn't plan on doing anything because he loves me. He also said he's not going to change anything as he's not doing anything wrong, there's nothing in it so why can't they buy each other lunch etc. I asked him if it was totally professional and he said he'd told her some work stuff that perhaps he shouldn't but he trusts her so it's fine

OP posts:
Hanab · 29/03/2019 19:23

That would not be ok with me..

He is putting your feelings on the back burner ...

Original poster
Pomo81 · 29/03/2019 20:09

I think he genuinely doesn't think he's doing anything which is why he's so indignant. There's a few other bits that are too outing to post that I'm not thrilled about. They share another mutual male friend and he said he behaves the same with him but I think the fact she's a woman and is attracted to him changes that. I also would be interested to know how she's taking his behaviour. He hurt himself last week and she had something that would help him at home and brought it in for him...i don't think he should be accepting any help like that

OP posts:
Hanab · 29/03/2019 20:57

He knows you are uncomfortable with this relationship yet he persists.
He talks about your child and his life etc .. its not professional.. knowing your feelings he still insists on carrying on this friendship as it is.. no backing off no setting a line .. i’m sorry OP I personally would not be accepting of this.
I think boundry lines are already blurred & I hope in this case they are not crossed.. you seem to be taking it so calmly I know for a fact I would have blown my gasket already.

Their are friendships one knows it is juat pure friendship but when your gut tells you something else is up 99% of the time it is correct .. esp when you have not had the feeling before..

EmeraldShamrock · 29/03/2019 21:14

Hi OP. He is aware it bothers you. I dont know what you should do.
He is enjoying the attention and acting naive.
There is another active thread, it reminded me of your issue, I think you might relate.
To think my marraige is affair proof

Original poster
Pomo81 · 30/03/2019 05:24

Thank you, I'll have a read of that thread. I'm not calm but I know shouting won't make me heard either. He's said he's sorry I feel this way and that there's no need to worry. Am I being unreasonable though? I couldn't help but think if he's hurt, she shouldn't be bothered, I should

OP posts:
Original poster
Pomo81 · 30/03/2019 13:50

.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 30/03/2019 14:03

I'd be unhappy. I wouldn't want my OH sharing bits of cake with another woman.

Huh? I do this with my boss. A colleague made the most amazing cupcakes and he chose chocolate and I chose lemon. We both wanted to try both so we cut them in half and shared them. We get on really well and have a great laugh. However, I'm married to an amazing man who I love and adore and boss is married to an amazing woman who he also adores. The fact there's no sexual potential means our friendship is probably closer than if there was a chance something would happen.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 30/03/2019 16:11

There was more to it than the cake

OP posts: