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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Boundaries?

285 replies

Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 19:32

I really don't think I'm being unreasonable but tell me if I am. In short...

There's a woman my partner works with who is attracted to him. Because of this I think he should avoid her where possible. Obviously normal work interactions are fine but anything beyond that I don't think he should engage in

He doesn't see the issue or why it'd bother me him talking to her socially or sharing food/drink etc with her at work or telling her about himself

AIBU?

OP posts:
PinkCrayon · 20/03/2019 21:31

Why is he telling you all of this?

PengAly · 20/03/2019 21:31

Op you asked if YABU and yes you are. You have given no evidence for any of your claims nor have you given reasons for why you shouldnt trust him. Sharing some food is not a gift ffs.
If a man were to act/feel the way you do everyone would be quick to say he is being controlling but only on MN does a woman have "intuition" and is allowed to control who her partner is friends with Hmm

Isth · 20/03/2019 21:32

I think he quite possibly does though. He is telling you all this because he’s hiding it in plain sight. He knows himself really that it’s all getting a bit close so he’s justifying it by telling you about it.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 21:32

He mentioned her a few times so I asked about her, I said it sounds like she likes him and he gave his ïnnocent' examples

OP posts:
Original poster
Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 21:33

Isth, we're getting married though so if he's developing feelings for someone else... wtf :(

OP posts:
PengAly · 20/03/2019 21:34

he gave his ïnnocent' examples

They are innocent examples...
Honestly OP did you post on here to actually get peoples opinions on if YABU because you seem adamant that you arent no matter what we say.

Isth · 20/03/2019 21:39

I feel for you, I really do. I don’t quite know what to suggest tho. It could just be a crush which will fade again but I can see why it’s worrying you. I would sit him down for a proper chat, explain that it’s worrying you and that you feel like he’s becoming too close to her and focus on the fact it’s unsettling for you, rather than accusing him lf anything, which will just get his back up and close the conversation down.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 21:47

Oh I've absolutely been chilled when talking about it. We're open with each other and my words were along the lines of 'I trust you but I don't know her. If she likes you, spending time with her is only going to encourage her'

OP posts:
Asta19 · 20/03/2019 22:03

I think there are two types of people, as demonstrated by this thread. Those who are “low jealousy” and couldn’t care less who flirts with their partner as long as the partner is trustworthy. And “higher jealousy” people who think that is someone is flirting with their partner, that their partner has a responsibility to “shut it down”. I’m actually in the latter camp. I don’t think it’s good to “feed” someone’s crush for anyone’s sake. But this is why you’re getting such mixed responses. FWIW I agree he shouldn’t encourage her.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 22:07

Asta, that makes sense. I'm not jealous usually and haven't been before and we've been together six ish years. I do think it's encouraging her, and if I was her I'd take him choosing to talk to me when he's busy or should be busy doing work and rushed off his feet generally all shift

OP posts:
Asta19 · 20/03/2019 22:14

I personally wouldn’t go for someone attached, that’s not the type of person I am. But, if someone was consistently neglecting their work to have chats with me then yes I would think they were interested so I do get what you’re saying. If you’ve never shown signs of jealousy before I would hope he would take your concerns onboard and do something about it. Heck even if you were totally off base and irrational over her, if you’ve never questioned him before over someone I would expect him to respect your feelings. He’s marrying you not her, so your feelings should ultimately come first. Different if you were insanely jealous all the time obviously, but in a one off scenario, yes I think you should be more important to him than her.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 22:19

That's exactly how I feel. If it's nothing it shouldn't affect him to not do it, not tell her stories about where he grew up or when he doesn't feel well. Why would she care either

OP posts:
cochineal7 · 20/03/2019 22:23

In the kindest possible way, it is not great either way. If your instinct is right, he is willingly and knowingly engaging with her beyond the normal boundaries. If you are mistaken, and it is all innocent, it raises issues of control and insecurity (from you) that are also not really a healthy start to a marriage. So you need to address this. Before getting married.

Asta19 · 20/03/2019 22:30

I’m inclined to think that if this is the first time something like this has been an issue in 6 years, then OP does not have control issues! It’s hard to convey in a post how you feel without it coming across wrong. I wrote a post once that was interpreted totally differently to how I meant it. I think OP has tried to be succinct, but in doing so has come across a little abrupt, for want of a better word. It’s only because I’ve been in the situation myself in the past that I’m reading between the lines more. For me the bottom line is you shouldn’t encourage someone who has a crush on you if you’re in a committed relationship.

IM0GEN · 20/03/2019 22:34

I think he’s telling you all this to wind you up. He enjoys having this power over you.

Redwalk · 20/03/2019 22:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Her leaving food for him, it is probably going to get a bit ackward and confrontation if he has to ask her to stop on the other hand if he is eating lunch with her for example there are plenty of non confrontational ways to avoid that. I guess what I'm saying is it is unreasonable to ask him to make his work environment difficult or ackward but it's not unreasonable to ask him to avoid her when he can and not encourage it any further.

RomanticFatigue · 20/03/2019 22:54

Trust your instincts OP. I felt the same about my exH and his work colleague. They now live together with their 6 month old daughter.

Butiwantto · 20/03/2019 22:55

Agree with Asta!

OP I think you are getting painted as something you are not here and people are being much too harsh on you!
Sometimes it’s the way in which a certain name is mentioned or dropped into conversation that gets your spidey senses tingling. So you question who they are..and its the way they respond (too much “innocent” explanation and blustering etc) that causes that gut instinct to kick in! Not saying that the OPs husband is up to no good, but there is every chance that he MIGHT be and if she feels uncomfortable why wouldn’t she look a bit deeper into everything. I don’t think she is paranoid or controlling - i think she is worried and wanting to protect herself by keeping him from unnecessary temptation

CrispbuttyNo1 · 20/03/2019 22:56

I agree, he has no reason to tell you all of this other than he is trying to make you jealous. I shared a sandwich with a male colleague today. Same colleague brought me a pasty in the other day. We even go for a pint most Fridays after work. It doesn't occur to me to mention it to my DP because it means nothing. The fact that your DP knows it is bothering you yet still tells you far more than you need to know makes me think he is getting a kick out of it.

Crunched · 20/03/2019 23:24

I disagree CrispbuttyNo1, by not mentioning who he went drinking with after work I would feel my DH had something to hide.
My DH had a co-worker who constantly craved attention from him. She would buy him gifts from holidays, text him about his hobbies and they frequently went to the local town at lunchtime together to do the banking and pick up food. She would also call herself his ‘work wife’. How do I know this? Well I saw some of it it (as I worked for the same organisation albeit based from home) and heard the rest from DH and others.
I am a very jealous person but two things helped me to be cool with the situation. Firstly I was pretty certain my DH was not looking to hook up with anyone else and secondly, we invited co-worker and her partner to socialise with us. By her seeing we were a happy partnership I hoped she would back off. We have become casual friends now, thankfully both DH and her have moved on separately from the company and, though she is still all over DH when she sees him, no affair, emotional or otherwise occurred.
I think you are right to tell your DP your concerns and maybe he could organise you meeting her alongside him to put your mind at rest.

TheStoic · 21/03/2019 02:11

Op you asked if YABU and yes you are

No, you're not. But unfortunately there's not much you can do about it either way.

Unless you buy the book "Not 'Just Friends'" and read it with him.

PengAly · 21/03/2019 07:18

I give up, good luck OP

greenlynx · 21/03/2019 08:08

I don’t think YABU, I wouldn’t like this either. Of course some people could share food, go to lunches, give lifts, etc and it’s all very innocent because they will be like this with anyone. It’s not the case here. OP’s partner never shared cakes with colleagues before or missed meetings because of chatting about his childhood. So of course it doesn’t feel right. I don’t have an advice, sorry, it’s a tricky situation and potentially could end up in EA. And I would rather stop this at the beginning than deal with consequences.
My feeling about this is that he’s flattered by her attention and wants to feel still attractive and desirable now when you are about to get married So for me he’s the one who’s insecure.

Stargazer888 · 21/03/2019 11:21

I think given this is the first time you've felt something was off in 6 years trust your gut! YANBU.

Sparklesocks · 21/03/2019 11:55

My DP has a ‘work wife’, aka his closest female friend at work. They chat, make coffee at the same time, occasionally have lunch. I don’t think there is any attraction from her and even if there was I wouldn’t worry as I trust him. I think it’s nice they get on. Work can be dull and tedious, and colleagues with things in common tend to stick together and have a laugh to get through the day. I have male colleagues I spend time with at work but I don’t feel anything romantic for them.
There doesn’t seem to be any ‘evidence’ this woman feels this way about your partner, but how do you know so much about her to get suspicious in the first place? Does he mention her a lot? Talk about her in detail? If he brings her up a lot I’d be concerned, but I think it’s a good sign he’s open about how they interact – if he hid it from you, that would imply something that he knew was wrong.

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