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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Boundaries?

285 replies

Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 19:32

I really don't think I'm being unreasonable but tell me if I am. In short...

There's a woman my partner works with who is attracted to him. Because of this I think he should avoid her where possible. Obviously normal work interactions are fine but anything beyond that I don't think he should engage in

He doesn't see the issue or why it'd bother me him talking to her socially or sharing food/drink etc with her at work or telling her about himself

AIBU?

OP posts:
ShawshanksRedemption · 30/03/2019 17:09

I don't think there is anything wrong with your DP mentioning his child was ill to work colleagues. I don't think there's anything wrong for work colleagues to txt messages of support, saying they hope the DS is feeling better.

When you work with people you can have friendships with them, talk about family etc. I think this is all it is, and your DP loves the fact he has friendships like this woman.

At the end of the day, do you trust your DP to keep it as friends?

Original poster
Pomo81 · 30/03/2019 17:28

There's nothing wrong with a platonic friendship at all. I think it's different if one or both are attracted

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Original poster
Pomo81 · 30/03/2019 18:36

Well my days changed quite dramatically. He came home from work in a funny mood so eventually got out of him what's wrong. Apparently today she told him she needs to stay away from him as he's not single and she's attracted to him. I didnt know what to say. He said he didn't say anything and she just walked off

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Bluestitch · 30/03/2019 18:48

I asked him if it was totally professional and he said he'd told her some work stuff that perhaps he shouldn't but he trusts her so it's fine

So he's in a senior position and breaching confidentiality at work to impress her? I'd be bloody furious.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 30/03/2019 19:16

I don't know about breaching confidentiality but trusts her more than he should

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BlueSaphire · 30/03/2019 19:31

I would feel uneasy about it.
A woman fancies him, he finds her attractive, he often brings her name up when he is talking to you, and he knows you are not comfortable with his relationship with her.
It sounds like he is hardly discouraging her, and now she says she has to stay away from him because he isnt a single man, which she presumably knew from the start.

Trust your instincts, he either fancied her right back or he is trying to make you jealous...I would guess the first.

Catinthetwat · 30/03/2019 19:46

Gut feeling op. You were obviously right. It sounds hard, I'm not sure what advice to give. Just talk more with dp and try and find a way through.

Ilovemypantry · 30/03/2019 19:48

So, OP, in light of what she told your DP today, will she stay away from him?🤔

Original poster
Pomo81 · 30/03/2019 19:51

I just don't know what to say still. I don't know if it's a good thing she said that

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Original poster
Pomo81 · 30/03/2019 19:52

Well I assume so. It didn't sound dramatic from what he said, just matter of fact. He's in a really funny mood

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BlueEyedPersephone · 30/03/2019 20:20

U're gut was spot on, he is two levels above her, he either needs to stop or maybe she has said that maybe EA is already happening. Don't doubt yourself, watch out for over working, texting and secrets.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 30/03/2019 20:24

If texts are just nothingy is that still bad? (more past these than now after what she said)

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Original poster
Pomo81 · 30/03/2019 20:24

What do you mean about ea already?

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BitOfFun · 30/03/2019 20:27

Emotional Affair.

BitOfFun · 30/03/2019 20:29

That Shirley Glass book is available as a PDF online if you google. It covers the substance of emotional affairs very thoroughly.

BlueEyedPersephone · 30/03/2019 20:30

She may already have decided that she has a chance and by telling him is testing if he is interested, if he is not he should go totally work only, delete her number, not contact except for work any text/ contact out of work will encourage her

MamaBear8686 · 30/03/2019 20:33

If you trust him then you need to let it go over your head. It's very annoying, a girl my oh works with quite clearly fancies him...openly rude to me at work events and massively over the top friendly with him acting as if they're the best of pals etc.

I know she's no threat and by getting annoyed at him and having a row over it she's just getting what she wants. You're right to expect him to limit contact but he shouldn't really treat her differently to anyone else he works with.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 30/03/2019 20:35

It didn't sound that way from what he said. He said she realised that they aren't just friends and he's not single so she needs to stay away from him and left. I'm more concerned about his weird mood since

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Februaryblooms · 30/03/2019 20:37

Another poster in a somewhat similar situation posted on here recently and the responses were the total opposite, saying she's not being unreasonable etc.

Most of the replies (first few pages I've read) say the opposite tonight even though the circumstances are not too dissimilar. Married man, close friendship with woman he met at work, clear attraction etc.

YANBU in my opinion OP. It wouldn't sit right with me either.

BlueEyedPersephone · 30/03/2019 20:37

Hence testing, she's put temptation in his head. Only he can come out of it and deserve your trust.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 30/03/2019 20:44

What would you make out of his mood? He says he's fine but he's very quiet. I've seen him looking at her Facebook page but they aren't friends

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MudCity · 30/03/2019 20:45

My DP was in a similar situation to this. He really did not see there was an issue. I felt there was. He assured me that there was absolutely no potential for anything to happen and, looking back, I think this was genuine on his part hence the fact he felt quite safe being in her company. He was confident nothing would happen even though her behaviour was often inappropriate. I guess he trusted himself.

The weird mood may be because he is genuinely worried he has done something to encourage this woman. Perhaps he felt it was all innocent and is now worried that he has ‘led her on’ a bit? My DP does not have a cynical bone in his body and always thinks the best of people. He is then surprised when they do something bizarre. Perhaps this is the case with your DP.

BitOfFun · 30/03/2019 20:52

He's mooning over her FB page?

Tinkoschminko · 30/03/2019 21:01

I get it OP. I could be objective and sanctimonious but I’ll give you my no-doubt irrational reaction.

They’re close. You don’t like it. I wouldn’t either. My DH is my best friend - anyone else can go get their own.

Also, if he really does think that she fancies him, then I agree that splitting food or missing meetings isn’t doing much to convince her she’s not special.

BitOfFun · 30/03/2019 21:09

I'd be really pissed off that she's told him she's attracted to him. It's a move. Now he's going to be thinking about it, and there's not much sexier than forbidden sex Hmm