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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Boundaries?

285 replies

Pomo81 · 20/03/2019 19:32

I really don't think I'm being unreasonable but tell me if I am. In short...

There's a woman my partner works with who is attracted to him. Because of this I think he should avoid her where possible. Obviously normal work interactions are fine but anything beyond that I don't think he should engage in

He doesn't see the issue or why it'd bother me him talking to her socially or sharing food/drink etc with her at work or telling her about himself

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pomo81 · 21/03/2019 18:49

Thanks for the replies... As pp said its that it's the first time since we've been together I've felt like this

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 21/03/2019 19:42

Yabu. If he is going to run off with his colleague he will anyway.
It is not a nice feeling.
Plenty of colleague's are close, my bestie in work is a married man, I am with DP 15 years.
He is indulgent in your jealousy.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 21/03/2019 21:06

I don't think he's going to leave me or anything. I just don't understand how he'd think encouraging his personal relationship with her is helpful to anyone.

He's definitely not saying it to wind me up. He came home tonight and said something about something he must remember to ask her tomorrow - again really innocent to him but I don't like the investing energy or him really giving a shit (he thinks he might have met her mum somewhere and had 'bee thinking about it all day but forgot to ask')

OP posts:
Hanab · 21/03/2019 21:15

Ask him to please set a boundry and to respect your wishes as it is making you uncomfortable..
then ask him his feelings if the situation was reversed ..

Hanab · 21/03/2019 21:16

And to all the ladies saying its okay for him to do what he is doing and she is paranoid .. G-d forbid it happens to you and your feelings don’t matter

EmeraldShamrock · 21/03/2019 21:48

I don't think he's going to leave me or anything. I just don't understand how he'd think encouraging his personal relationship with her is helpful
Try to ignore it OP, obviously set boundaries but try ignore if he mentions he needs to ask her something.
Bring out your inner She-wolf, I didn't see but has she directly told him she likes him, he needs to put her in her place, I do think he is inconsiderate towards your feelings talking to her about personal issues, unless it is a professional conversation it has to stop.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 22/03/2019 05:37

No, she's never said anything but if I was another colleague watching from the outside I'd think they both liked each other : (

OP posts:
ApplePieIsAmazing · 22/03/2019 06:02

Hi OP, really sorry you're feeling like this! I work in a very male dominated industry and my work colleagues and I get along like a family. For example, someone will bring in donuts and they are for the whole crew. What I'm getting at is no one buys or brings in gifts for just one person. Also, none of us would miss a meeting because of chitchat. I would ask your OH about this, maybe show him this comment if you would feel it would help. Definitely sort it out before the wedding

It's all well and good being pals but you have to respect people's relationships.

Bun123 · 22/03/2019 06:56

Dear OP. I am so sorry you are feeling like this. It must be horrible.
Be careful. When as with all couples, you have a row or a tiff, she will be there, nice and understanding, fun and feeding his ego. Things could escalate.
Some men, alas, are weak.
Building up to a wedding is a stressful time, don’t give her the opportunity to step in.

Be watchful. Take care xx

EmeraldShamrock · 22/03/2019 13:57

Sorry I meant he is inconsiderate discussing personal information, has he said he likes her or is it constant chat about her.
I have a work friend, we talk about lots of stuff, I mention him to DP a fair bit, he knows I am not interested in my work friend, My work friend is in love with his DW, I know he mentons me to his DW too.
Are you sure it is not just a friendship. I would listen to your gut feeling, be wary.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 22/03/2019 16:52

I'm sure that's all he thinks it is as he seems to genuinely not get it. He has conceded she probably likes him and even if he thought she was attractive he's not going to do anything about it... Yet still I saw her name flash up on his personal phone rather than work phone today saying something about our son being ill and hopes he feels better. She'd only know that if he shared that info with her as he's off for a week on annual leave

OP posts:
Original poster
Pomo81 · 22/03/2019 20:18

I meant to say thank you for the supportive messages, it's made me feel a bit better

OP posts:
Hanab · 22/03/2019 21:15

And this is why I personally would have major issues with this situation .. she should not have his personal number and he should refrain from discussing your personal business ..

EmeraldShamrock · 22/03/2019 21:20

She'd only know that if he shared that info with her as he's off for a week on annual leave
Wow OP, he is completely over stepping boundaries, he knows how you're feeling about this friendship. I really don't think he is respecting you, sending texts while on annual leave.
I really think you have a DP problem, he can't be that naive.

EmeraldShamrock · 22/03/2019 21:23

Oh to ask by conceded do you mean pressurised to make the assumption she might fancy him, are you constantly asking? It is hard to tell if he is answering questions or she really has a thing for him.

BitOfFun · 22/03/2019 21:30

Hmm, I'm with you, OP. I'm not naturally jealous, but I would be peed off if my partner just dismissed my feelings. I do think that he's being a bit disrespectful to you if he's giving colleagues the impression he's flirting in the workplace.

Original poster
Pomo81 · 22/03/2019 21:47

Bitoffun, does that sound like flirting to you? It's stuff like messing around locking her out of the office for a minute and joking around that just makes me think why??

OP posts:
Original poster
Pomo81 · 22/03/2019 21:49

Emerald, it was in our one and only conversation about it with me asking who she was, him answering and giving the examples of behaviour then me saying it sounds like she likes you and him agreeing saying maybe she does but he wouldn't do anything about it anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
Pomo81 · 22/03/2019 21:52

I didn't say anything about seeing the text. It was only a couple back and forth and they were conversational but still... Hanab/Emerald, so you both agree it's not OK? Friends, yes but say he's attracted to her (taking her feeling out of the equation) is it acceptable to be texting anything at all even if she instigates?

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BitOfFun · 22/03/2019 22:31

There are no rules as such, but I'd try again to get him to see your point of view. If he insists on ploughing on regardless, I'd have to reconsider the relationship. Trying to build a future with somebody who doesn't seem to care about your feelings is a bit pointless, really.

CheshireChat · 22/03/2019 23:31

Unless something particularly distressing happened to her, missing a meeting is bloody odd. It'll also look terrible at work as he isn't paid chit chat really.

Also, if I knew that DP was feeling jealous regarding someone, whilst I probably wouldn't change my behaviour, I'd also not randomly mention them at home as it's unkind.

EmeraldShamrock · 23/03/2019 00:14

No it is not ok. He is flirting with her, even if it is subconscious, but I doubt it is.
He knows it bothers you, he continues to act inappropriate around her.
Locking her out of the office, I am sure other colleagues have noticed the giggles. I agree with you OP.

Hanab · 23/03/2019 05:51

I think its highly inappropriate and would voice my concerns again more vocally this time. If he continues than obvs it’s a major DP problem ..

Verynice · 23/03/2019 06:02

I would think she tickles his fancy. Mentionitis is a dead give-away. I wouldn't be happy no. What can you do? Fuck knows. Call off the wedding?

Verynice · 23/03/2019 06:05

It reminds me of a Meme I saw recently.

DH: Hey babe, I'm at the hospital, they think I've broken my leg and may need surgery. Karen drove me here and is with me now.

DW: Who's Karen? Hmm

Grin Love that because it's just me haha.