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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Class Teacher handing out party invitations

178 replies

Penguincake · 20/03/2019 18:53

I am quite willing to be told I am BU. My son has Autism and can occasionally push children when he is panicked. He has been doing a lot better recently and his teacher has said he is forming good relationships. However I understand that some children might be wary of him.

He has been in reception since September and has not been invited to a single party. I totally accept a parents choice in not having a child who pushes at their child's party.

What does hurt though is when there is a party, the class teacher or TA stands at the door at class time with a big wodge of invitations and gives them to each child as they leave. Yet again today they had a stack of invitations and my son was the only one walking out without one. He has started to question why he doesn't get a "card". It all feels so bloody thoughtless and cruel.

I think class teachers should refuse to hand out invites unless everyone is invited. Or maybe I should just suck it up and reconcile myself to the fact that for my son and I that this is the way of the world.

OP posts:
Dreamingofkfc · 21/03/2019 09:38

@youknowmedontyou - yes, but surely that's worse? Anyways our teacher was happy to put in the book bags and I was pleased she could for me.

coolcrispsnow · 21/03/2019 09:38

Not sure why you didn't see mother's/ fathers carers etc in the playground....

Because they were still at work! Their children went to after school childcare. Mine didn't.

Allfednonedead · 21/03/2019 09:45

This is a problem at several levels. First of all, horrible parents excluding one child.
Then, the class teacher should refuse to be complicit in the exclusion.
And most of all, it sounds like a school culture that is not thoughtful or inclusive.
We have quite a high proportion of SN children at our school and I can’t imagine this happening.
I woulD be raising it with the head and SENCO, then possibly going to the governors.
That may seem like an overreaction, but if you don’t, then they will never examine their attitude to inclusivity and support. And a lot of children will be harmed, both by being excluded and by being taught it’s ok to exclude.

susan82 · 21/03/2019 09:49

OP, i hear you and YDNBU. I fully agree and understand that not every parent can hold full class celebrations due to cost etc but to openly make it clear that a child is not invited is cruel IMO.

Scotinoz · 21/03/2019 10:08

Our reception teacher/TA will do invitations (they're marvellous ladies and do loads), but they put them in the book bags.

Plus, all but one kid has had a whole class party to avoid leaving anyone out.

I think it's really poor show as a parent to single out one kid.

Bobbycat121 · 21/03/2019 10:17

I dont think its because he has autism, my son is the same age and hasnt been invited to any parties, he doesnt have autism. Teacher giving them out is bad though

Original poster
Penguincake · 21/03/2019 11:16

BObbycat I think it is because my son pushes because he gets overwhelmed because he has autism IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Original poster
Penguincake · 21/03/2019 11:20

I am very greatful for the support I have received in this thread. From those who have experienced this. Is it worth me doing a whole class invite when it is my sons birthday (July) to encourage them to invite him next year? Or should I just keep it to only school friends who won’t let us down?

OP posts:
lmusic87 · 21/03/2019 11:25

I would invite people your son gets along with, quality over quantity Smile

BoogleMcGroogle · 21/03/2019 11:38

Penguincake I'm sorry this is happening to your son. I'm an Ed Psych, and I come across this situation so often. It is heartbreaking for families, often one of the hardest things about school life. Most schools, however, don't tend to hand out invites in this way, but do put them in children's bags. I'm grateful they do, as my own son has SEN, and has recently changed schools. As I work, I don't know many families yet and my son would not be a reliable source of information about who is in his class!

I would say, take your son's lead on this. If he'd like a whole class party, let him invite them (and possibly a few other reliable sorts, from outside school) but explain (maybe with a social story) that not everyone can make it to a party. We are having a whole class party in July, in the hope that, one year after joining, I'll get to know and talk to some of the other parents. Our son has only had one invite this year so far. I hold out hope for a couple more, but who knows? He might or might not get invitations back, as I've found that parties get smaller as kids get older. I your son enjoys his party, whatever you decide :)

Lightheart · 21/03/2019 11:42

Now I'm not saying I agree with excluding 1 child but the people saying it's a whole class party or none seems extreme. Parties are expensive and not every one can afford to invite the whole class. I think it's important that children learn they won't always be invited to things and that's ok.

The teachers in our school slip the invites into book bags and I actually asked the teacher if I should do it and she said it was fine she would.

Lightheart · 21/03/2019 11:52

Just to clarify my post of course in the op case the teacher is adding to the insensitivity of the parents and that's not on.
Hope you get it sorted soon Op maybe if you approached the school about the issue they would change their process

Allfednonedead · 21/03/2019 12:07

With regards to your son's party - I'd be led by him! My DS who is autistic wouldn't cope with having a whole class party - even my rule of the same number of guests as his age leaves him wiped out (but happy).

We have had whole class parties for his younger DSs (twins), to which we have invited the non-verbal autistic child in their class. He loved it, but did need a known adult to stay with him.

I think mostly I'd work on building some stable friendships for your DS, perhaps by cultivating some of the nicer parents. Even one or two friends he can have regular playdates with will be helpful in terms of learning to socialise on those terms. I stayed at playdates until I was sure my DS would be ok without me, so it helped if I got on with the friends' parents!

Allfednonedead · 21/03/2019 12:08

When I say 'nicer', it should really say 'kinder', or even 'open-minded'. People who are open to seeing difference as a plus, rather than scary and to be avoided.

Anique105 · 21/03/2019 12:20

Yanbu op. That is just so cruel. It's not even a parent doing it, who you can expect that they might hold a grudge about their child being pushed. but for a teacher to do this its unacceptable. She is meant to be treating all kids the same and in good care, so how can she exclude or hurt a child who she has a duty of care towards. I would definitely be taking this up with the school.

I'm so glad our school doesnt get involved in party nonsense. It's done out of school gates and your problem.

dahliaaa · 22/03/2019 22:25

There is no need to have ‘whole class or no-one’ but to leave out just one child is completely horrible. Shame on the parents.

LJdorothy · 22/03/2019 23:06

Parents need to stop giving school staff their dirty work to do. How dare they expect teachers to spend their own time putting party invitations in book bags because they've been mean enough to exclude a child??

CloudyTuesday · 23/03/2019 08:28

I teach and this is a real thorn in my side because there's no easy solution.

Working parents aren't at school for pick up, and don't know or recognise the other parents.

Asking the child to hand them out is chaotic, and ends up with misplaced invites.

Putting them discreetly in trays means they all discover them at some point and start excitedly waving them about.

Putting them in book bags is time consuming. There isn't enough time during the school day unless I do it at lunchtime. It takes longer than you think. Some don't have names on, some children haven't brought their bags at all. And at some point they all discover them, usually at hometime, and start waving them about.

Parents can't email or text each other if they don't have those contact details.

Even if they received them discreetly, little children talk on the playground, particularly on the day of the party or the day before.

If it's any consolation, while class parties don't happen for very long. By Juniors it's generally a much smaller group doing an activity or a sleepover.

CloudyTuesday · 23/03/2019 08:33

" How dare they expect teachers to spend their own time putting party invitations in book bags because they've been mean enough to exclude a child??"

IME if one child is excluded it is usually because they are known for hurting other children. I insisted that my own son invite the child in his Year 1 class who was known for pushing and biting. He had SEND and was impulsive rather than mean, and I couldn't bear to leave him out. On the day he pulled my son's trousers and underwear down, and bit someone else on the face. His mum was lovely and mortified, and took him straight home. But my son was mortified too, and did not enjoy his own party. I don't know what the answer is really, but not everyone excluding a child from a party is being a bastard, but rather are not putting someone else's child above their own.

peanutbutterandbananas · 23/03/2019 08:37

That is unfair and unkind. I hope your son is invited to a party soon x

thedisorganisedmum · 23/03/2019 08:42

Talking in general and not about the OP to be clear, I don't understand this MN insistence on inviting the whole class and not leaving out your child's bully. If a child comes back with teeth mark, got hit by a chair or thrown on the floor, what parent would force him to invite that other child to his party?

Normal parents ignore kids squabbles and fall-outs, but surely not bullying?

HexagonalBattenburg · 23/03/2019 08:48

Oh believe me - by now my daughter has completely fully mastered that not everyone gets invited to the parties. Sadly she's also fully mastered that invariably it's her who doesn't get invited to the parties. She's actually a little trooper coping with it but it does upset - when you're 35 you know it's a crappy disco in the church hall, but when you're 5 it feels like you're missing out on something epic.

SushiGo · 23/03/2019 08:54

I'm really sorry op - I wouldn't view my child being pushed occasionally in reception as a massive issue to be honest.

Definitely ask them to be a bit more sensitive.

I don't do whole class parties for one of my children because he doesn't like being the centre of that much attention.

Better to try and cultivate a smaller group of kids that 'get him'.

CloudyTuesday · 23/03/2019 09:47

"Better to try and cultivate a smaller group of kids that 'get him'."

I think this is the best advice actually. Talk to his teacher about the invites by all means, but in the long term the best approach is going to be cultivating a little group of mates for him. Invite them to play dates, host your own party, take them to soft play (or wherever) on the weekend whilst continuing to work on your son's tendency to push other children.

thedisorganisedmum · 23/03/2019 10:17

I wouldn't view my child being pushed occasionally in reception as a massive issue to be honest.

not talking about the OP here
It depends what you call pushing. I had a kid coming back with scraped knees and elbows just last week because their friend pushed them against a wall. Non-issue.

There a little one who has been grabbed by the arm and shoved into a table and all the kids are wary of that other child. Not ok.