Class Teacher handing out party invitations

[Penguincake]

I am quite willing to be told I am BU. My son has Autism and can occasionally push children when he is panicked. He has been doing a lot better recently and his teacher has said he is forming good relationships. However I understand that some children might be wary of him.

He has been in reception since September and has not been invited to a single party. I totally accept a parents choice in not having a child who pushes at their child's party.

What does hurt though is when there is a party, the class teacher or TA stands at the door at class time with a big wodge of invitations and gives them to each child as they leave. Yet again today they had a stack of invitations and my son was the only one walking out without one. He has started to question why he doesn't get a "card". It all feels so bloody thoughtless and cruel.

I think class teachers should refuse to hand out invites unless everyone is invited. Or maybe I should just suck it up and reconcile myself to the fact that for my son and I that this is the way of the world.

Is it every single child but yours? If it's 10/30 kids it's fair enough, still a bit of an insensitive way to go about it though.

Does your child generally get on with the party child?

Unfortunately I have met too many parents who have had to fight for special school places because of harm that comes from the social exclusion that children face. Even if it is not whole class parties it still hurts the child that they never make the cut. I know with DS1 that the parents who avoided him would still cover their facebook in autism awareness because that does not involve them doing anything. DS1 made his friends in year 3/4 and when the parents lost some of the control.

At our school they get slipped into book bags. Nice and discrete.

I'm really upset for your son, Penguincake. I'm a teacher. Please say something, it may just be you getting upset but your son has noticed and it's not okay he's being left out. I've never got involved in handing out invites, by slipping them into bags or otherwise. However, I'd certainly hope that if I was making it so obvious one child was left out, the parent would say something to remind me this is unfair. Either whole class or just a few, not all except one. Yes, he pushes when frustrated, but you say you're working on that and if you were to offer to stay and watch him I'm sure everyone could have a good time.

At the very least, this teacher should not be handing these invites out. Please do say something. If I had handed them out in such a way I should expect the parent of the left-out child to talk to me privately. I can't believe they haven't noticed; taking a mental register in this kind of situation is almost an unconscious reflex.

My youngest DDs school is another that will only hand out invitations if they are for the whole class. At least now they do....
When my older DD with autism was there they had no such rule and she was left out of parties sometimes. It really upset her. And me.
I’m glad they’ve changed this.

Sorry, OP, meant to add: please go in and chat to teacher about this. If you get no joy from this, then see the head.

Can’t imagine what they’re thinking, giving out invitations one at a time like that, to all except one. Thoughtlessness from the staff as well as the party children/parents.

Another one saying talk to the teacher. ASD or otherwise, no child should be pointedly left out like that, it is cruel.

As a side note, I don't generally invite all the kids in the class, I get my boys to pick ten (out of 28). But at your son's age, if a parent had explained that their child had not ever been invited and was feeling excluded, I would have had no issue adding him to the party just to help out.

Are there any parents in the class that you feel may be sympathetic that you could approach?

At our school they get slipped into book bags.

Love the way posters always use words like "slipped," as if it's just an easy and quick thing to do. It's not. It's an absolute ball-ache and it's absolutely not on for parents to expect school staff to do this. I'm surprised more schools don't ban it.
And yes, more important is the rubbing of some children's noses in the fact that they've been missed out.

She should just put them in their book bags.

No, she shouldn't. This is absolutely not part of any job description of teacher. Parents can arrange their children's social life outside of the classroom. I am not some sort of social secretary, I am there to teach.

I don't give out invitations, and my students know I don't want to see or hear about them. If they get given one in the playground, they come inside, put it in their bag and give it to their parents that night.

Ive always thought parties should be whole class or fewer than half.

Op id be complaining to someone about that. Thats bullying to exclude one child. Some parents are a disgrace.

They wouldn't even need for all the parties to be everyone except OP's child for this to have happened. Even if several of the parties were not for the whole class, he could still be the only one who hadn't been invited to any of them. This is a truly terrible way to deal with party invitations, and OP, I would definitely go and have a word with the teacher and ask them to consider doing it differently and less publicly in the future.

As a class teacher I refuse to hand out invites unless they are for the whole class. If a child is excluded then I give them back to the parent/ carer and ask them to give them out in the playground before/ after school. The odd time I've had a complaint I've offered them a copy of my remit and asked them to point out where it says "hand out party invites " on it. Surprisingly none have taken me up on this.

I have no issue with party invites if for the full class but don't ask me to give out to the "selected" amongst my class who I all see as equally as important.

OP you have my sympathy and i hope your sons teacher has the strength and the support of their management to say "I'm not doing this" soon because it isn't fair or nice to your DS x

Yanbu
I would speak to them if I were you
Our school has a policy where the teacher will hand out invites if it is an all class party, or all the boys / all the girls are invited.
Anything else they won't touch, the parent has to make their own arrangements, outside of school environment.
I don't know why every school doesn't have this policy

as an adult this wouldn’t really matter but for a child not just your DS but for potentially other children this is AWFUL.

1. Teachers have better things to do
2. How can that be good for then MH of the children.

YANBU ; speak to the teacher

Our school (not UK) has a policy where invites can only be handed out in school if the whole class is invited (only 11 in our class so possible for many to do this). If not everyone is invited they ask that they are handed out elsewhere. It stops situations like this. It must be very hard for your son.

Please don’t ask her/him to put them in book bags! Finding the name label on 30 identical book bags (or trying to indentify the owner of 30 different bags) and putting an invite in each one, inevitably being left with some because not all children bring their book bags in and then getting yelled at by the parents who didn’t get the invite because they hadn’t looked in the book bag is not a good use of teacher time.
I’m sure if you point out your issue the teacher will try to find a solution with you. I have to say though it probably hasn’t occurred to her that a 4 year old would notice to be honest. Most wouldn’t notice that a teacher was handing an envelope to adults. Perhaps just don’t tell him what they are? Or say they are letters from the school? How does he know that an envelope = party invitation? Surely there must be multiple letters etc that are given out.

We shove them in book bags quietly, creates a lot less fuss than our brief experiment with letting the children give them out themselves and is better than standing at the door giving them out, getting parents to do it on the playground isn't an option due to so many going to breakfast club/after school club.

All parents are told I will put them in book bags on a Friday as I will have all 30 book bags out to put newsletters and library books in anyway, so adding invites to the mix adds less than a minute onto that, and is a lot less hassle than giving them out at the door, when I am generally a bit rushed and have enough other things to remember and THAT mum who absolutely must talk to me about nothing important right this second.

Our primary school did not allow party invites to be handed out at school at all, including the playground to avoid the whole "party invite is power" thing. Smarty pants mum who tried giving them out in the car park got a telling off. Parents were told to post or e-mail, a class list was available. Everyone knew the score, if you didn't agree to be on the class list other parents couldn't get in touch for invites. Sometimes I really like the no bullshit way Australians do things 😁

That is unacceptable - the teacher cannot give a class list to parents anymore which is why they end up giving out invites but these should go in the book bag.
Mean of parents not to invite your son purely because of his autism as well.

@missmartini you sound so lovely, I hope the parents and children are grateful to you.

@Penguincake I feel so sorry for you and DS. Do try and raise it as the teacher may just not be thinking about how left out children feel.

Oh that is insensitive way to handle it, no wonder you are upset we all want our child to fit in and be popular.

Ours shove them in book bags so no one sees as such. The only thing I would warn you of is it might get harder. The kids tend to talk about parties who is having a birthday who is having the next party so you may find you need a mechanism to cope with that in the next couple of years.

Once they get into year 2 parties get smaller and just friends tend to be invited so it's less personal to a whole class and just your son by then.

We've never invited the whole class because there are always one or two your child doesn't really want there so its fairer I think to invite just friends.

@AlpacasAreLlamas did you read the thread title or the OP? This thread is not about why the child isn't being invited, it's about how a small child may soon realise that he is being excluded. It's about his mother trying to protect her child's feelings in a world that is excluding him. Your comment was totally irrelevant on this thread.

I’ve never heard of teachers handing out invitations or slipping them into book bags. That’s not part of the teacher’s job. It’s up to parents to sort out how invitations are delivered, not leave it up to the teacher to organise.

I would Say Something

Keep it factual but note that seeing invitations being handed out on an almost weekly basis and never getting any
Is Making him sadder than is necessary

Many schools
Refuse to do
This

If the teacher and TA have time to stand at the door and give out the invitations to specific children then they have time to put them in the book bags or trays. I don’t think they should do either, but if they are going to do it they should do the option that doesn’t publicly leave out one child.

@holymoly Please tell someone senior at the school or that child’s mother what you were told. That teacher should not be telling other parents that the child is autistic or not able for parties. That’s absolutely disgusting given it clearly doesn’t come from his mother.