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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Class Teacher handing out party invitations

178 replies

Penguincake · 20/03/2019 18:53

I am quite willing to be told I am BU. My son has Autism and can occasionally push children when he is panicked. He has been doing a lot better recently and his teacher has said he is forming good relationships. However I understand that some children might be wary of him.

He has been in reception since September and has not been invited to a single party. I totally accept a parents choice in not having a child who pushes at their child's party.

What does hurt though is when there is a party, the class teacher or TA stands at the door at class time with a big wodge of invitations and gives them to each child as they leave. Yet again today they had a stack of invitations and my son was the only one walking out without one. He has started to question why he doesn't get a "card". It all feels so bloody thoughtless and cruel.

I think class teachers should refuse to hand out invites unless everyone is invited. Or maybe I should just suck it up and reconcile myself to the fact that for my son and I that this is the way of the world.

OP posts:
Holymolymackerel · 20/03/2019 20:15

Penguin cake

No I haven't said anything to her. Peter's mum is struggling at the moment anyway with the school so I didn't want to add more upset.
In fact, this teacher's attitude to asd is very concerning for all. She has a very brusque manner and is extremely strict.

I'm so sorry about your boy's situation. It's totally unfair.
I blame the parents and teachers. So uneducated. It's very rare to find a 5 year old that would exclude a child themselves without being prompted.

Backtobacktoback · 20/03/2019 20:18

I once confronted a parent about my DD not being invited as it was at a park next to my house and I thought it would be horriblly confusing for him (and me) to see this taking place right outside our home.
I felt a bit ashamed later that I had bothered to give this person head space and energy but put it down to experience....

drspouse · 20/03/2019 20:18

At our school they are placed in trays, and DD who is in Reception has only been invited to one so far with one coming up shortly, she struggles a little with talking but seems to have friends. My DS who has fairly major SEN was invited to more parties than her in fact but I think his year is more of a "close group" than hers so far.

Original poster
Penguincake · 20/03/2019 20:21

Back to back what did the other parent say?

OP posts:
TurquoiseDress · 20/03/2019 20:21

YANBU

I find it really strange that the teacher is handing out the invitations

Normally, from my experience, the invitations go in the book bags

Only have experience in reception class so far, presumably things change as they progress through school

There have been several birthday parties where (it appeared) that the entire class had been invited, based on the number that came

I really think it's not appropriate for the teacher to be handing them out, especially when it effectively excludes one or more pupils

GreenTulips · 20/03/2019 20:21

My daughters teacher puts them in their bag during break so that they can't even see if anyone has been missed

Sorry he teacher doesn’t get a cuppa or loo break? Is that OK with you?

ShowMeTheKittens · 20/03/2019 20:28

That's really unkind. I'm sorry x

Sowing747 · 20/03/2019 20:30

OP that's just awful - I'm so sorry this is happening to your DS.

My DCs are now at secondary school, but all the way through junior school they just didn't seem aware of which birthday they hadn't been invited too, because the TA always discretely put every invitation in the child's drawer.

You need to have a word with your DC's TA. Both my DCs were gregarious and popular, but they weren't part of the 'clique' that seemed to be invited to every party, but for that reason it never bothered them!

happymum12345 · 20/03/2019 20:32

Oh that is awful! I would have a word with the teacher. Perhaps she doesn't realise that your son has not been invited to any parties. She should just put them in their book bags.

Sanguineclamp · 20/03/2019 20:35

We had a note home from dd's (former ) primary asking parents to either invite the whole class, or a very small number, to avoid this situation. Very sensible.

mcmooberry · 20/03/2019 20:36

OMG this is dreadful your poor son if he realises he is being left out and poor you as you obviously do. I just can't fathom this going on in a reception class, in our school the vast majority were whole class parties or no party at all. I have a theory that the world is divided into parents (mothers generally) who would leave one child out and those who never, ever would. What I am struggling with is that there are clearly so many of the former in your son's class. I despair reading threads like this and am upset for you. I think something needs to be said about it. Sounds like at least your son isn't fully aware of what the "cards" mean, I used to get upset at my son not getting an invitation to something he didn't even know about as I would hear about it in the playground. Anyway, you are NOT being unreasonable and it sounds like your son is forming friendships and things will change for him as he gets older. Do something nice with him with the money saved not having to buy a birthday present!

anniehm · 20/03/2019 20:36

This happened to dd but quite frankly she was horrible to the other kids bar one at that age, she wouldn't share or sit next to anyone but her ta and the lad she shared her ta with. He didn't get invited either so on his birthday his mum took them plus their younger siblings (who were in nursery together) to a theme park (she took their au pair as well for extra help!) which dd was super impressed by.

Crispsy · 20/03/2019 20:41

This is mean but it’s not a surprise! If you have a class party it should be a WHOLE class party. I’ve found that parents are meaner than children!

My DS always told me he was left out of parties, but he hates parties so would throw the invitation straight in the bin at school before I could see it. I have also found a stack of invites in his tray that he never bothered to bring home.

IhateBoswell · 20/03/2019 20:45

My sister told me recently her daughter’s teacher will only allow whole class invites or they’re not allowed to be given out.

liitlepenguin · 20/03/2019 20:45

God I still remember as a kid being the one in the whole class who wasn't invited.

The teacher is a prick OP. Can you say something to the head about it. It's completely bang out of order

Original poster
Penguincake · 20/03/2019 20:47

Thank you for all of your replies. I have been reluctant to say anything to the class teacher as it is me not my DS who is upset by this. He doesn’t understand that the cards are invitations. I am embarrassed at how much this is upsetting me. I thought it could be due to being pregnant.

OP posts:
AlpacasAreLlamas · 20/03/2019 20:52

Maybe he has pushed the little boy one too many times where his Mum is crying and upset about her son being bullied.

Backtobacktoback · 20/03/2019 20:57

The other parent ummed and aahed but frankly I couldn’t blame them for not being able to say much, I wasn’t expecting a reason why my child wasn’t invited just the
Cheek of it made me speak up.
I haven’t bothered chatting much to them since primarily because I don’t want to invest time and energy with someone so thoughtless about another child’s feelings.
It’s very hurtful for you right now but please see this for what it is, thoughtlessness and unkindness on their part and you are SOOO much better than that! Flowers
Do something special with your child on the day of the party, it ll make you both feel better.

Treaclepie19 · 20/03/2019 20:58

Penguincake don't be embarrassed. You're protecting your little boy.
It's so hard, especially when your child is getting excluded because of something they can't control.
I fear we will have the same issue.

MillicentMartha · 20/03/2019 20:59

Alpacas, it’s not just once that this has happened, though.

OP, I get you. In my case the other parents (except one or two) were very inclusive for whole class parties. The school on the other hand, were less so. Please have a word with the teacher. It’s just a very small, ‘reasonable adjustment’ to manage your DS’s potential disappointment.

dreichuplands · 20/03/2019 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dreichuplands · 20/03/2019 21:01

Wrong thread, I've reported.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/03/2019 21:03

So sad for you, I have two kids with SN and totally get it. Teacher should not be involved, invitations should be put into book bags discreetly, as it isen't fair on the children who were not invited.

Original poster
Penguincake · 20/03/2019 21:05

Alpaca I am not saying they have to invite my son just hand out the invitation in a more sensitive way. Unless you think we should be punished more because an autistic 4 year old gets panicked and pushes people?

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 20/03/2019 21:07

The TA used to do it them
In the kids drawers , so if having drawers happens and m your school you could request this. Or in the book bags