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AIBU?

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Original poster

Class Teacher handing out party invitations

178 replies

Penguincake · 20/03/2019 18:53

I am quite willing to be told I am BU. My son has Autism and can occasionally push children when he is panicked. He has been doing a lot better recently and his teacher has said he is forming good relationships. However I understand that some children might be wary of him.

He has been in reception since September and has not been invited to a single party. I totally accept a parents choice in not having a child who pushes at their child's party.

What does hurt though is when there is a party, the class teacher or TA stands at the door at class time with a big wodge of invitations and gives them to each child as they leave. Yet again today they had a stack of invitations and my son was the only one walking out without one. He has started to question why he doesn't get a "card". It all feels so bloody thoughtless and cruel.

I think class teachers should refuse to hand out invites unless everyone is invited. Or maybe I should just suck it up and reconcile myself to the fact that for my son and I that this is the way of the world.

OP posts:
Yabbers · 21/03/2019 07:28

Oh they would. Often the parents are worse than the children.

Always the parents are worse than the children.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 21/03/2019 07:37

I can't believe the cheek of parents even thinking it's ok to ask the teacher to hand them out! And as for 'popping them in book bags'... So match the invite with the bag (wherever they have been thrown), open it, close it, put it back. Times 20. Yes, honestly, why should staff get a break when there are invites to give out? The excuse of parents never being in the playground.... here's an idea, leave work early for one day and give them out personally if it's that important? Hopefully teachers will not give out 28 invites knowingly. Unless they are expected to count them as well? Op, bring it up with the school. Sorry ds is getting upset.

zingally · 21/03/2019 07:52

I'm an infant class teacher. Unless there's an invitation for every one, I don't get involved.

Honestly, when only a couple of kids get left out, it can often be painfully clear why. If yours is the kid who is always kicking people in the playground, then they deserve it, quite frankly.

But sometimes, when it's the autistic kiddy, or the one with the speech impediment, or the deaf one, or the one with a facial disfigurement, I just think what real $hits some parents can be!

coolcrispsnow · 21/03/2019 07:55

A nice thing to do would be if there is no invite for any child would be to hand a little 'well done' note mentioning something that child had done well in that day. Smile

thedisorganisedmum · 21/03/2019 08:03

The excuse of parents never being in the playground.... here's an idea, leave work early for one day and give them out personally if it's that important?

you are missing the point, I can take half a day off to be on the playground at 3, but who do I give them to?
Half the kids will have disappeared to after school or sport clubs
Half the remaining ones will be collected by child minders!

I don't agree with teachers having to give out invites at all. I was making the point that 1) parents no longer have a full class list which makes it tricky
2) children should give out invitations in the class, problem solved. (would not solve the lack of name, but that would keep teachers out of it)

NigelYerABawbag · 21/03/2019 08:07

Your poor DS Flowers

I also have a child on the spectrum who hasn't been invited to a classmates party for 3 years. He's only 8 and when we invited every child in his class to his birthday party last year only 3 came Sad

There's no excuse for it. WTF are the other children learning from their parents? What a horrible thing to teach them. It makes me seethe and I've cried over it before.

PregnantSea · 21/03/2019 08:13

YANBU. Teachers shouldn't be involved in out of school social arrangements full stop. Also agree with PP that it sounds like a waste of their time, which I know teachers are very short on.

coolcrispsnow · 21/03/2019 08:17

Also agree with PP that it sounds like a waste of their time, which I know teachers are very short on.

I was so pleased teachers did hand invites out. My D.C. was not very socially confident in primary. They wouldn't have handed invites out themselves. I did not even see all the parents in the playground. It really helped my DC's social confidence in just being able to have a party which I couldn't have done very well without invites being handed out.

NigelYerABawbag · 21/03/2019 08:21

Yeah well it doesn't do much for my child's social confidence being excluded from every class party since Yr 1, so I'm glad the teacher doesn't give that her tacit approval by handing out the invitations Smile Imagine how much worse it would be for him to see his teacher as yet another person who leaves him out

coolcrispsnow · 21/03/2019 08:30

Nigel that would be alleviated if the teacher handed out a well done note as I mentioned they could upthread.

NigelYerABawbag · 21/03/2019 08:33

Er, not really - children can read and see and hear, they'd all know FFS.

NCforthis2019 · 21/03/2019 08:37

Wow. I am surprised that there are parents like this. Sorry for you and your DS.

Ours place the invites in the bags.

Hollowvictory · 21/03/2019 08:37

Teachers should not be handing out invitations full stop.

Hollowvictory · 21/03/2019 08:38

They don't at our school and yet somehow children still manage to have parties 😉

youknowmedontyou · 21/03/2019 08:39

@coolcrispsnow no it wouldn't! Most children recognise a party invite and then have joyous yelps .... I'm going to Jane's party and it is then followed by cries of joy from others.

Not sure why you didn't see mother's/ fathers carers etc in the playground....

Dreamingofkfc · 21/03/2019 08:41

We have been given a class list, but not with surnames on.

Glitterblue · 21/03/2019 08:44

Our school asks for them to be handed to the teacher rather than given out in the yard so that it can be done on the quiet. The teachers slip them into the bags without anyone knowing. It's so cruel to stand at the door and hand them out like that.

Dreamingofkfc · 21/03/2019 08:48

@youknowmedontyou - not all parents/carers are at drop off everyday so some ppl might miss each other, some kids might have to do breakfast club everyday....plus it's so busy sometimes it's easy to miss people. There's still some mums/dad's/carers from my son's class that I've never met.

TheFaerieQueene · 21/03/2019 08:52

It’s not the ‘autistic kiddie’ any more than it could be the ‘cancer kiddie’ or the ‘diabetic kiddie’. Jesus!

OP I hope you get this resolved. The teacher or TA should be ashamed.

youknowmedontyou · 21/03/2019 09:17

to do breakfast club everyday....plus it's so busy sometimes it's easy to miss people. There's still some mums/dad's/carers from my son's class that I've never met.

Well make more of an effort then! It's not a teachers role to manage party invites and clearly as OP has pointed out it's causing upset.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 21/03/2019 09:17

If our teacher didn't do it. Then I would have to hand them to DS in the yard.
My very loud. Very excitable 4yo DS. There would be no discretion. I don't see how that would save feelings.

Luckily when I went to the teacher to ask how to do it she said she'd be happy to put them in the bags and to just drop them off to her.
They all have naked pegs though so it doesn't sound half as chaotic as what others describe.

Dreamingofkfc · 21/03/2019 09:28

@youknowmedontyou - it's not as simple as making more of an effort....I get there I'm plenty of time but some parents don't, I'm not exactly about to stop them to chat when they are clearly running late. We've have lots of meet ups, some parents just don't want to attend, i usually find its those with older children. Plus there are parents who are not there for any pick ups as their child is in breakfast and after school club, not sure how I could make more of an effort with them?

givemesteel · 21/03/2019 09:31

penguin, I'm so sorry. My sibling is autistic and my mum said it was the same for them, it's heartbreaking.

Definitely complain to the school, that is disgraceful. Unless the whole class is invited then the school shouldn't get involved and parents should be asked to be discreet if they're going to be cruel and exclude a handful of children

youknowmedontyou · 21/03/2019 09:33

@Dreamingofkfc it's busy and easy to miss someone... you've more than one day to hand out invites?

Peleus · 21/03/2019 09:37

It is possible that the teacher thought that the whole class was invited, and they didn't have time to shuffle through the cards and check that there was an invite for everyone.

But if this has happened several times before, and your DS is the only one not invited, or maybe just a few not invited, what does this say about the school's ethos? It may be happening in other classes too, and would happen again when DS's class go up the school. So I would want to speak to the Head so that this doesn't happen again in any class at their school.