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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Class Teacher handing out party invitations

178 replies

Penguincake · 20/03/2019 18:53

I am quite willing to be told I am BU. My son has Autism and can occasionally push children when he is panicked. He has been doing a lot better recently and his teacher has said he is forming good relationships. However I understand that some children might be wary of him.

He has been in reception since September and has not been invited to a single party. I totally accept a parents choice in not having a child who pushes at their child's party.

What does hurt though is when there is a party, the class teacher or TA stands at the door at class time with a big wodge of invitations and gives them to each child as they leave. Yet again today they had a stack of invitations and my son was the only one walking out without one. He has started to question why he doesn't get a "card". It all feels so bloody thoughtless and cruel.

I think class teachers should refuse to hand out invites unless everyone is invited. Or maybe I should just suck it up and reconcile myself to the fact that for my son and I that this is the way of the world.

OP posts:
Original poster
Penguincake · 20/03/2019 19:43

I am pretty sure he was the only one not invited today. A TA was retrieving an item of his clothing which was wet. It took ages. So I got to wait at the door and watch every other child get an invite.

OP posts:
NoooorthonerMum · 20/03/2019 19:45

That's an awful way to hand out invitations when not everyone has them.its also awful that they're just excluding one child from the party.

VeraWangTwang · 20/03/2019 19:46

Don't you dare just suck it up OP , you need to try and sort this out. Speak to the school and explain the situation.
Your poor son and poor you, that would really upset me

nzborn · 20/03/2019 19:46

Totally agree hand out to everyone or no one.

Cherrysherbet · 20/03/2019 19:49

I’m so sorry for your ds. What a horrible situation for you both. I’ve always included all the children in parties. I just couldn’t single out just one child. I hate the ‘party thing’. Parents can be so bloody selfish and thoughtless.

0hT00dles · 20/03/2019 19:52

Oh that’s so horrible. I feel for your poor ds.

If it was me, I’d personally have a word with the teacher. Our school has an unwritten rule of ‘whole class, or all boys or all girls’.

It works well across the whole school for all events and obviously as they get older, their friendship groups will grow smaller but for the little ones, it’s so hard.

Only one parent has so far this school year gone against the grain and it was a shame for the child as the mother created her own text group and handpicked none of the child’s actual friends.

My dd wanted a girls only party as that’s what her friends have done and she doesn’t play with the boys. But all girls got an invite. I wouldn’t leave someone out. I am however not inviting any of the boys that she does play with (in her class on play dates etc) as it’s a grey area. I hope your ds gets some invites and don’t be afraid to be that parent

Contraceptionismyfriend · 20/03/2019 19:52

Our teacher puts them into the bags. DS's party is coming up and it's the first time we've only invited 15ish.

The alternative to the teacher doing it would have to be me handing them to DS to give out in the yard at Drop off/collection time which would be a lot more obvious.
I'd just ask the school if they could be a bit more discreet.

Aquilla · 20/03/2019 19:54

I can't believe they do it like this! Why not just put them anonymously into book bags!?

TriciaH87 · 20/03/2019 19:55

I suggest you speak to the teacher and ask if its possible they start putting them into the childrens drawers at lunch time so the children put them in their bags at home time rather than walk past and feel left out.

Applesandpears23 · 20/03/2019 19:56

Our school senco (technically head of inclusion I think) put a bit in the school letter asking parents not to exclude children with special needs from whole class parties. It had some hints and tips for inclusion eg explaining what would happen at the party to the parents and asking them whether it would help to bring the child for only part of it, food from home, leave before singing etc depending on circumstances.

Holymolymackerel · 20/03/2019 19:56

My ds who is in year 1 has this all the time. He has recently started at a new school and I asked the teacher the name of a child who my son particularly wanted to invite.

The teacher knew who I meant and said don't bother inviting Peter he's autistic and won't be able to go and cope.
I was shocked because even though I know Peter is autistic she shouldn't have told me another child's diagnosis or spoke in such a way about Peter or autism. She also knows my son (birthday boy) is also autistic.
It revealed a lot about what she thinks about autism.
Peter is invited anyway and his mum accepted.

I found this sort of thing is often directed by the parents and/or teachers and not the children.

(Names have been changed)

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 20/03/2019 19:57

Think it should be more discreet

Daisychainsandglitter · 20/03/2019 19:59

OP I have no advice but I understand. My DD is also autistic and in reception and watches the teacher hand out invitations and it is extremely rare that she will get one. She said to me the other day when I was sealing an envelope that it was an invitation to a party and I had to explain it wasn't because she hadn't been invited. It's very difficult as my DD wants friends and thinks everyone's her friend when the reality is that she doesn't really have any.
I would definitely prefer teachers to pop invites discreetly in bags if the whole class is not invited.

Seniorcitizen1 · 20/03/2019 20:00

This is shocking. When my son was at nursery he insisted that the 3 children with downs and the one with celebral palsy must come to his party. When he git married 23 years later his best pal with downs was an usher. Can’t understand why any parent would be so cruel

SileneOliveira · 20/03/2019 20:00

I have never heard of teachers giving out party invitations. I don’t think they should get involved in social events.

Our school agrees. I've attended several "welcome meetings" for new parents when I was on the PTA and ever year she runs through things like teachers not handing out invitations for parties, not being able to give out class lists and not being unable to provide contact details for other parents.

It's not part of a teacher's job, and neither should it be.

dahliaaa · 20/03/2019 20:02

I very rarely reply on AIBU but this is awful
Angry

thedisorganisedmum · 20/03/2019 20:03

The invitations should be handed out by the kids themselves, it would save the teachers from doing it!
The problem is that not all parents are available at pick-up, some never set foot in the school, so they only way they have to give out invitations is in the classroom via kid or teacher.

I don't agree with forcing children to invite everybody, but there's no real solution. Not all classes have a couple of TA who can put the cards in each book bag, it's unreasonable to expect a teacher to do so when he has to handle a class of 30 children at the same time.

thedisorganisedmum · 20/03/2019 20:04

not being able to give out class lists and not being unable to provide contact details for other parents.

that's another issue with ridiculous data protection rules and so on, but it doesn't help parents to invite a whole class when they can't know the names.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 20/03/2019 20:05

My daughters teacher puts them in their bag during break so that they can't even see if anyone has been missed.

Original poster
Penguincake · 20/03/2019 20:06

Applesndpears your Senco sounds brilliant.
Holmoley that is disgusting. Did you tell Peter’s mum what had been said?

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 20/03/2019 20:08

Our primary would only distribute invitations if it was whole class.

I think that's the right policy.

It doesn't solve the issue if your DC is the one who is never invited, but at least the conspicuous part of the snub (which occurs out of the blue) is removed.

jacksonmaine · 20/03/2019 20:10

That is shit YANBU.

I came to pick up one day to see a line leading out the classroom door. I asked what it was as my DS was crying and it was a party for one of the boy's in the class and my son hadn't been invited - he was devasted(6 years old). He literally cried all evening Sad

Some parents are complete idiots.

jacksonmaine · 20/03/2019 20:11

*devastated

Waveysnail · 20/03/2019 20:15

Bloody awful. Ours slip them in book bags but still kids pull them out and wave them about. Mine kids have asd too and not many invites come their way

Hollowvictory · 20/03/2019 20:15

The teacher handing out the invitations is awful.
However, many parents won't know they are excluding a child with sen they'll just know their child does not want to invite a child that pushed them. My dd had bite marks round her nose that bled after a child with sen bit her face. I'm friends with the mum, I wasn't cross in the slightest although obv sorry for dd. But I would not be inviting him to her party!