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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex best friend dating the man I love, should I show him the message she sent me about him ?

278 replies

Margielodi · 20/03/2019 12:14

First time poster. So I met my ex best friend at work, I have been working with her for
4 years. I have been in love with one of my colleague for nearly 3 years. I never had the courage to tell him , and didn't want to ruin my career or make things awkward in case he rejected me. This is gonna sound so crazy-teen-girl , but he was the main reason I was going to work.

I remember having discussions with her about how much I loved him, and she would tell me I had no taste because according to her he looks like a troll , a lesbian, he's so short.

I had to take some time off work because I got very sick. When I came back a month later , I heard my colleagues discussing the new " office couple". Turns out my ex best friend and the man I am in love are now dating. What's strange, is that when I was ill she kept visiting me and didn't tell me anything. She blocked my number, blocked me on social media , and ignores me at work. I didn't confront her at work because I don't want anyone to know about my business, and it's just not the appropriate place.

However, I have hundreds of messages , where we talk about him. I'd text her about how much I love him ( I know it's sounds cheesy) , and her responses are about how ugly he is , he's dwarf , he looks like a woman , oh you have no taste he looks like a dump I took today. She even took pics of him while at work and would caption it " Damn you are the only one who can be in love with such an atrocious creature".

I checked her facbeook via my sis account , and there are so many pics of them too " I love you baby , my baby". I am so hurt and depressed.

Should I show him the messages or should I just let it go and try to move on ?

OP posts:
x2boys · 21/03/2019 19:47

Don't be ridiculous Luna ,I had crushes,that lasted for a couple of years when younger but they were not love , I love my husband that's real and is reciprocated.

AureliaJane · 21/03/2019 19:48

Definitely don’t show him. You would only be using him as a means to hurt her. That isn’t at all fair on him.

She has behaved badly but maybe she’s had a come to Jesus moment and realised how great he is. Or maybe she’s just a bitch - he will soon realise.

Focus on your own wellbeing and happiness; you need to actively work on moving on. Happiness is out there for you.

viques · 21/03/2019 19:50

luna the OP says the only reason she works there is because he does, to have sent hundreds of messages she was probably trying to catch sight of him daily to comment on him. Stalking in my opinion.

If he was your daughter and her co workers were talking in this way you would probably call it stalking too.

Catsinthecupboard · 21/03/2019 19:51

Oh. OP. He wasn't the one for you. I'm sorry that you're hurting. We've all been there. It really really hurts.

I know he's not for you bc you're not together. You may love him unrequitedly. I have done and i know that hurts but i have also been truly loved and that is wonderful.

That's what you deserve. To be truly seen and loved. Move on from this job. These people. It's toxic.

She wasn't honest. She was trying to put you off him.

You WILL find your true love and then YOU will think that this guy is a short pile of doodoo.

Also advice: NEVER. EVER confide in another woman about the GOOD in a man. Tell your friends some bad things (this is assuming it's a healthy, not abusive relationship), come here for AIBU for stuff. But if you tell people how great your dp is, that is like polishing a nice tasty apple then saying, "no bites!"

One of the 7 Deadly Sins is coveting. That's what happens if you have something wonderful; others want it.

I never tell people how great dh is, i wouldn't tell them i had a big sweet peach in the fridge either. Why? I don't advertise anything someone may want. People are unscrupulous.

I promise you that you'll find the right man for you. Be patient and keep your chin up. Shoulders back and if she makes a snarky remark to you. Look her straight in the eye and with a laugh, say, "you were RIGHT! He IS a short Troll doll pile of poo! You're a perfect match!"

Flowers
Stompythedinosaur · 21/03/2019 19:53

I agree that unrequited love is infatuation. It may feel intense, but it is not they same as the feeling you have in a reciprocal relationship.

LunafortJest · 21/03/2019 19:53

As someone said on a debate elsewhere "If you think that you need to feel love in return for it to be real, then you have never loved someone who didn't love you back. I have been in love with a girl for 4 years, a girl who has never shown a single sign of loving me back. To me this girl is the most precious beautiful thing in the world. I would do anything for her to be happy regardless if I am in the picture. Love is about truly putting ones needs and emotions over your own. Love isn't a connection between two people but a feeling of appreciation and attraction to that one special person you believe to be unrivaled."

LunafortJest · 21/03/2019 19:55

@x2boys Again, you do not have to be in a relationship with someone to have fallen in love with them. Why can't you understand this?

LunafortJest · 21/03/2019 19:58

@Stompythedinosaur Unrequited Infatuation and Unrequited Love are two different things. Basic common sense says that the love doesn't have to be reciprocal for it to be love.

I think some people on here are confusing 'true love' (ie being in a relationship) with being in love. You can be in love and not be good for each other, not be soul mates. It does not have to be 'true love', or reciprocal for it to still qualify as love. That is what a psychologist told me during a session.

Belenus · 21/03/2019 20:18

I never tell people how great dh is, i wouldn't tell them i had a big sweet peach in the fridge either. Why? I don't advertise anything someone may want. People are unscrupulous.

Well, unlike the peach, presumably your husband has a say in whether he gets eaten or not. If you're secure in your relationship and trust your partner, other people can think highly of them, and nothing will happen.

Stompythedinosaur · 21/03/2019 20:21

Luna I suppose we only ever know our own emotions. I think the conflict on this thread is probably because we are defining love differently.

I suppose I am talking about my own experience of feeling I was in love as a young woman (with a partner who just wasn't so in to me). At the time it felt intense and real, and as though I would never love anyone else. Looking back, I now think I was mistaken, and that I wasn't really in love, because the love I have found since feels very different, it feels fulfilling and makes me feel good about myself in a way my earlier infatuation didn't.

I accept that other people's experiences may be different.

shitpark · 21/03/2019 20:24

In all those three years, did you never meet anyone else? Have you tried dating other people, and starting a real relationship, rather than the fantasy you built up.
Leave them to it, build your life around other friends, maybe you will meet someone else

Mary1935 · 21/03/2019 20:24

Hi OP do you think your so called friend is jealous of you - she may not fancy him but because you and she knows you do she’s gone after him.
Ignore her but she may have told him already you liked him.
She’s done you a favour and it’s time for you to move on. How about looking for another job?

piggybrownhare · 21/03/2019 20:25

Don’t show him the message. Keep your dignity by remaining silent and act like you are not bothered.

Pashal2 · 21/03/2019 20:27

Show the messages. Don't be a door by Matt and let her get away with her treachery. Never hide the truth.

LunafortJest · 21/03/2019 20:27

Stompythedinosaur it sounds like you were not in love with him. Unrequited love can last for many years, even forever. And yes, a relationship is so much more fullfilling than unrequited love, but it doesn't mean you weren't in love to begin with, that is just the difference between being in a relationship and not being in a relationship, thats all.

Sb74 · 21/03/2019 20:38

I very much feel for you and hope you can move on . I think her nastiness towards him was actually because she liked him. Often if people like someone but feel they shouldn’t they pretend they don’t like them. Classic. Maybe she didn’t want you to know that she liked him too.

Sb74 · 21/03/2019 20:41

I agree that you love him. It can hurt so much. The only way you will get over him is to try to turn your attention to someone else. Believe me I know.

Catsinthecupboard · 21/03/2019 20:42

Belenus

Yes, he does have a say. But it is darn awkward to be in that position isn't it?

Why would you share your personal information with anyone?

My dh has been faithful forever. However. Ex was def a player.

Ex wouldn't wait for a friend to approach him, he was an alleycat.

DH is introverted, loves me and has no interest in anyone else. I believe him bc he was my friend before he was my bf/dh. I know his habits.

However, i was over the moon in love with him and told my friends how great he was. He wasn't bitten. But a few "friends" tried to take a nibble!

I decided after that, that people looking for love adhere to "all is fair in love and war."

So i now throw out a second old saying, "loose lips sink ships."

Stompythedinosaur · 21/03/2019 20:47

I still wonder Luna how you can know someone well enough to be in love without an intimate relationship. I think in my case I was in love with the idea of who I wanted my ex to be, it was a fantasy. I do wonder if that plays a role in the op's experience too.

Sb74 · 21/03/2019 20:48

People are very narrow minded to think you can only fall in love within a relationship or it has to be reciprocated. A load of rubbish. Just because you’ve not experienced loving someone from afar doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. You are just lucky enough not to have gone through this very painful experience.

SilverySurfer · 21/03/2019 20:50

I'm sorry you are feeling bad but you have to face up to some facts.

  1. You may have had feelings for him for the last three years but he obviously never reciprocated those feelings or he would have done something about it. You can't make a relationship with only one person feeling the attraction.
  1. Whatever your ex-friend may have said, she is now in a relationship with him so he obviously wants to be with her.
  1. Do not send him copies of the messages, it will make you look vindictive, spiteful and a bit unhinged.
  1. Retain your dignity and expend your energy looking for someone to love who will love you back, which this man obviously does not.
  1. Find a new job so you are not constantly reminded of both this man and your ex-friend.

I wish you all the best.

exparrot · 21/03/2019 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinkbells · 21/03/2019 20:56

She was obviously trying to put you off him! I bet they have been seeing each other for much longer than you thing. You need to find a better friend and a better man Flowers

BejamNostalgia · 21/03/2019 21:14

I can’t bear people who think they have a bagsy on another human being and that the other people involved should acquiesce to an unsolicited and unwanted crush.

It sounds like she quite sensibly tried to discourage a crush on someone with no interest in you. And she blocked you because she knew you’d react like this.

LellyMcKelly · 21/03/2019 21:15

Agree with Pinkbells. If you do show him she can easily explain it away be saying she was trying to put you off him because she fancied him herself.

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