Ex best friend dating the man I love, should I show him the message she sent me about him ?

[Margielodi]

First time poster. So I met my ex best friend at work, I have been working with her for
4 years. I have been in love with one of my colleague for nearly 3 years. I never had the courage to tell him , and didn't want to ruin my career or make things awkward in case he rejected me. This is gonna sound so crazy-teen-girl , but he was the main reason I was going to work.

I remember having discussions with her about how much I loved him, and she would tell me I had no taste because according to her he looks like a troll , a lesbian, he's so short.

I had to take some time off work because I got very sick. When I came back a month later , I heard my colleagues discussing the new " office couple". Turns out my ex best friend and the man I am in love are now dating. What's strange, is that when I was ill she kept visiting me and didn't tell me anything. She blocked my number, blocked me on social media , and ignores me at work. I didn't confront her at work because I don't want anyone to know about my business, and it's just not the appropriate place.

However, I have hundreds of messages , where we talk about him. I'd text her about how much I love him ( I know it's sounds cheesy) , and her responses are about how ugly he is , he's dwarf , he looks like a woman , oh you have no taste he looks like a dump I took today. She even took pics of him while at work and would caption it " Damn you are the only one who can be in love with such an atrocious creature".

I checked her facbeook via my sis account , and there are so many pics of them too " I love you baby , my baby". I am so hurt and depressed.

Should I show him the messages or should I just let it go and try to move on ?

@YippeeKayakOtherBuckets she is 12 years older than me. She would advise me on life, listen to me, and I always ( yes yes I am immature I know) listened to her because she was more experienced than me.

@burgundyjumper No, they did not have an equal part. He wasn't the one who I was seeing everyday, spending weekends with. It would not hurt me as much if it was another woman. During those 3 years, I met 1 of his girlfriend, and though I was jealous of her I knew I had no say. I didn't know her, and she didn't know me, it made things easier. Or at least she could have told me the truth, and explain to me why she was insulting him if she now in relationship with him.

No don't send the messages ,you says are not in your head and can't know how you feel but I remember having infatuation ,s when younger it isn't love because you don't know him,no matter how strongly you think you feel,real love is when you build a life together and love each other people in spite of each others faults ,also please don't listen to other posters telling you to send the messages they are not helping and they are not the ones going to look foolish!

Out of interest - how old is he?

I had a child and settled down at 19 so don't listen to anyone who thinks there's an age limit to certain feelings.

I don't think anyone has said there's an age limit to feelings. It's more that from the OP's first post it seemed that this was just someone she worked with. She has since said she knows him socially as well but even so, I personally think it takes a lot to fall in love and you have to know someone very well to do it.

I actually think feelings can be much more intense when you're younger, or at least become very intense very quickly. You tend to have less life experience and so be less guarded. So no, it isn't the OP's age which makes me think she's not really in love, although no doubt she has strong feelings for this man. It's the fact that she doesn't really seem to know him.

OP. I replied on the first page saying the situation was toxic and demoralising. You have had some very harsh replies on here - but I am glad you have decided not to show him the messages. I am also gladdened to see you are going to look for another position . The day you hand your notice in because you are moving to another job will be so liberating for you.

Good luck OP. Love awaits elsewhere.

Hi OP,

Well done for sticking with the thread. It must have been hard to hear some of the comments here.

I just don't understand why she was insulting him, and convincing me that I would never have a chance with him. She would tell me " Pakistanis only date Pakistanis, his parents will never agree".

She was trying to gently steer you away from him. All the insults and the reference to culture was a way to try and put you off and make you look elsewhere for love.

After 3 years she knew you'd never make a move on him and, when she had her chance, she took it. I am sorry to be blunt but she likely sees you as a young, immature girl who has a crush but she sees herself as an adult with a chance at real happiness so took it. She will say to herself 'Margielodi will get over it, she's only young.'

She knew you'd be devastated and feel betrayed but she doesn't care. Why else block you? You two could never be friends after this and I am honestly not sure she ever saw you as equal friends to begin with.

She has given you a shot across your bow with regards to HR, take her seriously. If she shows 3 years of messages to them about this man and then reveals you have been hassling her now over her relationship with him, it could turn sour for you.

Your only choice is to find a new job and move on, as hard as that will be.

Good luck

Op, the HR threat I feel is a bit much. Have you said anything to her after this situation? Showed disappointed? Caller her a traitor?

If not, I’m just gonna put a question out there to other posters as I’m not good with these things,

What about going to HR first and informing them that this girl fell out with you on personal matters and has threatened to use HR on you, and that you promise HR you won’t be doing anything unprofessional but that you want them to reach out to you if this girl makes accusations because she sounds like she is up for some defamation to cover her own Arse so beat her to it.

Don’t discuss the details though as it might sound petty, just put them in the picture that you received a threat without provocation and you feel she is up for drama.

Yikes 12 years older than you and he is probably older too- right? I suspect they havrle been seeing each other a while and were keeping it quiet at work.
Don't give it anymore headspace- you'll look back and laugh as well as cringe in 5 years time.

I think you need to go grey rock, civil and professional only. And get a new job.

It will hurt. You fancied him and built a big fantasy of who he was and how you would be in your head. You fell in love with that fantasy.

Your friend isnt a nice person to be so nasty about this man, dating aside. I suspect if she is so two faced about him, she likely slagged you off behind your back too.

Not a pleasant person. Do not show him the texts that would be unprofessional and cruel to him.

@YippeeKayakOtherBuckets
I would also put my money on them being a couple for a while.

I suspect they havrle been seeing each other a while and were keeping it quiet at work.

I wonder if they were using the OP as an unofficial chaperone. "No, it's not a date, there will other friends there too!" If that's what they've been up to, it is quite nasty and underhand behaviour on their part.

Yes google Limerence as someone else suggested - interesting read.

She has been a total bitch to you OP

So many people being so nasty to the OP, she's only 21 (and people mature at different rates - that is okay, we can't all be the same) and hurting, we all hurt over different things, being nasty to her isn't going to stop her feelings.

OP, in the nicest possible way, banging on about how ugly the guy is the classic teenage girl sign you fancy the bugger. If you’re fourteen.

I believe you feel you were in love with him op, I believe you named your feelings love, but I also believe it's highly likely you've never been in love in a reciprocal adult relationship, so are maybe mistaking obsession and infatuation with being in love.

I suspect she was trying to put you off him, possibly for Your sake as she knew it was not going to happen. It's the way a lot of people would handle it.

She's not handled it well since they have got together, and the fact they have got together does not mean she's also been mooning over him for the last three years, more sometimes it happens. But she should have told you.

You're right to not show him the messages, she will simply tell him she was trying to put you off him and clearly doesn't think those things of him. He likely already knows.

If you will struggle to get past this, her and him, both together and individually, it may be worth seeking some therapy to help you work your way through it, because the biggest concern here is your Long term infatuation and obsession with this man.

I remember the first time I had my heart broken at 21. It was devastating. I WAS young and it WAS dramatic, doesn’t make it any less painful.

You cared for two people, one of whom has been deliberately deceitful. Of course you are hurting. Don’t send the messages, not for reasons of dignity but because she sounds a nasty person not to get on the wrong side of. I think she’s make life even worse for you.

Change jobs/departments if you can. Find better people to surround yourself with.

Shake them off OP. When I was your age I had a toxic friend, but we had been friends since childhood and I just couldn't see it.

It took her trying it on with my husband before I understood about her.

Onwards and upwards. Move on, forget about them both.

I understand that it is hard though to let go of someone you thought was a good friend.

Find another job and another man. Then send them the best of the best of the messages. Who cares if they see you in a bad light? The woman who is a backstabbing harlet? Pfft. If anything they might just laugh it off together in that case you dodged a major bullet there.

She's a cow for not being honest with you, but perhaps she got to know him and realised she really liked his personality and so then became more attracted to him.

You had a LONG time to tell him how you felt, and you didn't. So can't have liked him that much surely?

I'm sorry that you're hurting now, and you've lost a friend. But showing him the messages would be very immature.

Just try to move on. And next time you fancy someone, tell them! The worst they can say is no.

Sorry OP
You sound a bit nuts!
Time to grow up. How could you love him? You haven’t had a relationship with him!

I'm sorry this happened to you Margielodi. Something similar happened to me years ago, it was a horrible thing - and I later discovered she had made a move on two other people I'd shown an interest in without my knowledge, plus an ex - I don't know what that made her but it wasn't a friend. And we'd been thick as thieves, me being the thick one, her being the thief, of my emotions anyway. I'm just glad you're referring to her as your 'ex best friend'. Do nothing to anyone except be kind to yourself.

You don't sound nuts to me op.

Your friend is a bitch though.

She was attracted to him because you were. She got an extra kick out of knowing she'd hurt you. You'll never be able to have a relationship with this man because she'll be saying all sorts of things about you, so I would look for another job.

It must be a horrible feeling that your friend has deceived you and blanked you and that he’s fooled by it all. Whether their relationship is genuine or not or may become so nobody can tell. Forget about them. This is about you. Your hopes and dreams dashed and letting a friend dictate to you who you should and shouldn’t like. In this instance you didn’t give it a chance, you never asked him out or gave him a clue possibly. Maybe your friend was trying to put you off because she liked him too and didn’t want to upset you with a bun fight over the same guy. I remember those days. They could already have been dating and she didn’t want to hurt you but had no choice once it was more serious. I don’t think there is any kind way for friends to tell each other that they’ve bagged the guy you feel you love. In reality he would probably disappoint you deeply especially if he didn’t have the guts to talk to you about it himself. It’s awkward. As hard as it may feel you need to do yourself a favour and move on. Forgive and forget. Change jobs if you need to, to get over this. You’re confidence will grow knowing you don’t need either of them to thrive. There will be someone better for you who thinks the sun shines out of your .. ehem...and will chase you, just let them now with a flirt that they have a chance and don’t tell your friends about too much, just see what happens.

You were infatuated not in love, but of course it hurts. Of course you shouldn't send the messages.

I would turn this around.

Act completely unbothered by it and really excited for her if a little surprised I.e saying something like 'omg I had no idea you had a secret crush on him too, you hid that well! Really pleased for you though admittedly a bit jealous! But how exciting for you both I really hope it all works out' then continue being really chirpy and friendly with her. Just be really nice at all times, don't let her see that you are bothered and Mr right will come along for you sometime